Category Archives: insight

Your Honor/ My Honor

60172Few of you may know, that I went to jail in early 2005.  The charges were “domestic dispute  with a misdemeanor of assault   I went to jail that night for about 16 hours.  It was by far one of the strangest things I have ever encountered.  I don’t talk about it as a respect to the other party, who really loves his privacy on such matters.  Regardless, I really do try and keep a good mindset about all things.  And though the jail thing was hairy, I endured it.  Upon seeing a court evaluator, I asked “what is the most the court will ask me to do?”  He said community service and classes on domestic violence and drug and alcohol abuse.  I got the info and got in right away.  I found a community art gallery and donated my time to the cause. I wrote this piece two days out of jail… but I had to wait 7 months for a hearing with a judge.  In the mean time, I did everything the was going to ask me to… ONLY I DID IT BEFORE THEY ASKED.

At the end of the trial ( there were people on the jury, who had totally bought a pizza from me a Papa Murphy’s)  where I was found guilty, the judge talked to me off the record, wherein I shared this piece of writing.

She was impressed with what I had done, and said I could have my record expunged after 4 years, if no other incidence.

There has been no other incidence.  I have been single for 7 years.  That was my last serious relationship.  It ended weird  and now I have a mark on my record… why? Why haven’t I had it expunged?  Because I would rather put petrol in my car, and buy a six pack then pay yet another $85 dollars into the system I found myself indebted to.

How did I win?  Well I guess I cut a lot of drama out of my life after all of that, and yet, at moments knowing what I know; I find myself still fearing the law.  Fuck me.

Your Honor,

I come before you a humble and humiliated part of society

my brain screams

“girls like me, don’t belong in jail”

but I compromised what allows me to be free

My reality, assault in the fourth degree

a fight

domestically

Luckily not another tragedy

just a young woman

with too much to drink

a tendency to over think

and a bottle of rage packed inside

These things I over looked

came back to bite

and now I know what a night in jail is like

I can’t remember the succession in which it all happened

Only I know

I don’t want it to happen again

I don’t want a record

or a label like criminal

Since that day

I pay for my actions

Two hundred and fifty

of my cash

goes to bail I owe

Not to mention the

broken double pane window

My brain gets lost when it thinks

of these court costs

My humiliation is evident at my job

with this broken nose

and black eye

No way to disguise.

Humbled as a daughter

who had to call home from a holding cell

didn’t go over so well 2000 miles away.

I’ve been waiting to talk to Your Honor

for weeks, just trying to think what I could do

for Deschutes County to drop these charges against me.

I confess I am willing to do anything

I can to lessen the charge

counseling or deferment

I don’t know yet

I ask your Honor for help

so that I can contain the stress

that made me burst outward

with violence

It makes no sense to me,

how I could act  irrationally

but then again

it was that dark part

that comes out with that depressing friend called liquor

it gets that range pumping quicker

until your mind goes black

and you are ready to attack your lover

The marks on my face

disgrace me

Public Humility

evidence of the darkness that exists inside all of us

once let loose

I am only here in Bend temporarily until March 10th

Then I send myself back to middle America

I swear it’s my word and your judgement

Your Honor, I trust what you decide, will fit the crime.

I appreciate you, for allowing me, this time with you.

I am ready to do what you ask me to.

The excitement of new potential

muralI can’t stop thinking… or feeling that there is something bigger that I am missing.  Something BIGGER than the biggest big I could conceptualize.  Everyday the search begins again.  Little pieces to the bigger puzzle, leaving me empowered and confused.  Addicted to the search.  I have gained so many new tools in my stability that I have started to feel that rumble and shake inside telling me to move on and use this newly acquired knowledge.

I received some cash today for art.  I  put it in a thin necked Vodka bottle.  It is harder to get it out that way.  I want 500 to travel with.  What is 500 bucks?  Nothing.  Bills in a bottle.  I am almost a tenth of the way there.  Not bad.  Should be easy  enough.  I make it harder with its easy accessibility.  I have to set up my own boundaries.  That too should be easy enough as I seem to set some sort of boundary for myself on a daily basis.  Not even the good kind.  No doubt as I tackle the task of breaking the boundaries I will be learning new skills of survival.

I live very much in a now and present future oriented mindset.  I aquire what I need in the moment as a way of confirming my energy in work… I think I am in the surplus.  This excites me, I just yet have not seen the total fruits of my labor.  This should be exciting fruition.

I have not yet traveled as much as I would have liked, to the distances I have hoped to see.  This will be a future manifestation when I finally have something tangible to offer.  But what is this; all these journals and pictures?  Is that not tangible?  Sure but it is the old journey and I am in the drivers seat for something new.  I am a pioneer who has yet to pick their path for the destination.

I ask inspiration to guide me into uncharted water.  I want to ride the current to a place few find because they fight the flow.  Getting caught up in a cove somewhere so close to paradise.  Always wondering the great “what if?” (Something I refuse to suffocate from.)

This acquisition of comfort is such a gift.  I have all I need and more in this moment, but I need more movement to balance this fixture of roots.  I am ready to dive deep and move forward in flow.

I ask that I am offered support, and that I be willing to accept it when it is fulfilling for everyone involved.  This is truly and exciting journey.

Oldies from the broken books

Voice

 

You are here to share your knowledge that war and violence are not the answer

You are here to share with the world; infinite beauty and creation

You are here to share the one true law, is love

You are here to love and empower yourself

You are here to love and empower the people of the world

You are a spokesperson for Humanity

You are here to live and love in the Now moment

You are here to keep your vision toward future love

Through this you will realize you are here to be Righteous

It will not matter if you are right

—————————————————————————————————————-

Judgmental

disrespectful, am I at times of this human race

My equals I placate

Putting them to disgrace in my minds eye

for pasts undeniable

Their feats definable to me

Past sins relived by mine own attachment to my own past

I rehash memories vibrant to me regardless of their own revelations

I get the sensation at times I fancy myself better

but why?

In my eagerness to retaliate to I lose the ability to translate life’s hardships of  the last five years

Thinking any one but my own tears are inequitable

Maybe others have changed from their deranged lives

Do I deny their struggle to survive life

My fall back, being my desire to attack those who believed themselves better than me

When equality is all I seek from beginning to end

I defend my right to  outcast myself, with no help from my peers

Succumbing to my own fears, I live to their expectation

I should find relation in this unmatched world

Crying for words to be heard; but reveling in my own deaf state

Looking for someone to translate the language I invented for those like me

And yet, somehow abandoned

I am stranded on this island of prejudice from those like me

But articulately they pursue academia while I run from the opportunity

The words dribbling from my mouth are more than you can handle

That is the scandal of my world, how absurd I must seem to lookers on

Beyond my own horizon I fear the speech of those with degrees

Afraid they will judge me inadequately

Unable to see the knowledge I manifest from my experience

They laugh and call me silly actor

That I would rather preach my knowledge on a stage or screen

No one wants to know me so I cling to those who cherish the unseen manifest through my skills

It doesn’t even pay these bills or support this life

Sometimes I want to die because my gifts sit dormant

waiting to be unlocked

Who will rock my world with a chance to impress

I regress

My talents limitless to those who provide an opportunity

But first

Someone must see talent in me, which may mean succumbing

To a place that makes my heart race and my vessels swell with unease

Unable to breathe the pollution

But I seek a solution and some guidance

I have reliance on nothing but myself and my ambition

What a situation for  a young woman of almost 24 with nothing more than some boxes

and a couple hundred in cash

That won’t last a day in Manhattan or LA

What the fuck am I to do on the move to Oregon in just two weeks

I’ve got to get it straight and try to relate to where I am landing

My man, demanding so much of me

But it has nothing to do with my passion

I don’t honestly know if satisfaction is part of the plan, but I hope it is

Otherwise, I can’t handle this

So now I will take a moment to breathe and think the best for me

No matter what I’ll prevail, ride the hail into the real storm

I’ll be reborn in this fucked up world.

Until then I will concentrate on breathing, not heaving in an overwhelming way

And I will conquer my dreams despite the delay

But I would rather have all the support of every connection I know

24 is almost here, purpose driven, void of fear

Contimplations on Flow- Sacred Water

Where are you living?

What are you doing?

spirit brain

What are your relationships?

Are you in right relation?

Where is your water?

Know your garden.

It is time to speak your Truth.

Create your community.

Be good to each other.

And do not look outside yourself for the leader.”

Then he clasped his hands together, smiled, and said, “This could be a good time!”

“There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.

They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are torn apart and will suffer greatly.

“Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle

of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above water. And I say, see who is in there with you and

celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, Least of all ourselves. For the moment

that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.

“The time for the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word struggle from you attitude and

your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

“We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”

— attributed to an unnamed Hopi elder

Hopi Nation

Oraibi, Arizona

Have you heard of my beautiful friend Water?

The innovator of the phrase “Let it Flow.”

You may have seen her, she gets around quite a bit

Oh that Sweet Water

She is quite the mover and shaker

She has friends all over , and all sorts adore her.

She came to be when her two gay Hydrogen Fathers approached their good friend Oxygen with the idea of creation

new life , beginning.

The conversation had been stirring that life had become a little to stagnant and sticky

The Hydrogens and Oxygen felt a need to let in a little flow

And despite their differences, felt a bit like innovators with their idea

It took a while to figure out a formula that worked…

But then those Hydrogen Fathers sandwiched Oxygen between themselves

And Water was born

Out of polarity came this Neutral Solvant

In a sense it was structured improvisation

All the elements working in their own way

Nature tending toward perfection

Despite how odd the occurrence, or how illogical it may seem

Within this improvisation was a creation of malleability

Water was a mischievous youth and a wonderful teacher

She has always been a fantastic imitator, with a photographic memory

She ran wild through the woods blessing all she could touch

Taking in everything it had to offer

Adding it to herself

And then moving on in her unique way

There was no boundary she could not reach beyond

Even when She was out of sight, she was still around

She traveled where ever her heart wanted to go

Growing large and vast

Connecting herself to everything she came into contact with

Leaving pieces of herself behind as to grow her ideas of prospective change

Magical adaptation

Ultimate mobility and convergence

Water was always ahead of her time

The other elements were a bit jealous of her ability to transmutate herself

Not realizing she was changing them, as she changed herself

In any situation or environment she touched

They marveled at her cooperative relationship to Temperature

And wondered at her ability to patiently weather all stages of her cycles

Even when she was at times Cold as Ice, she was still quite graceful

It was a common observation that she could be the most gentle of the elements

And also one of the most threatening.

When I was a child, my grandfather told me, “If you respect water, She will respect you; If you honor Her, she will teach you to Honor yourself.”

And when I would swim within that skin of Water, I would gently pull my arms down on her

Breaking the surface tension and submersing my self inside her

Thinking always, that she would hold me and move me along

As I grew, I became closer to Water, she enjoyed the respect and came to visit often

She would follow me on all my travels and she never complained about the weather

Except to say she thought the Desert had an unspoken grudge

Which was fine, because I rarely traveled anywhere but through the Desert to some other lush region

We talked long about the Desert, and its sense of helplessness that it disguises through resilience.

Water joked that anywhere she wasn’t allowed to hang out for too long, was no place for anyone to be

Some had accused Water of being a bit of a loiter at inconvenient times

Water knows more about this Earth and everyone on it than you could even imagine.

I suppose if she was anyone else she would be a big gossip, but actually she is a fantastic secret keeper

Water remembered every conversation, every thought, every prayer

She always knew my worries and needs

And when recognized would become the most brilliant amplifier

She absorbed every change, flowed through every integration

When others didn’t want to be like anyone else

Water was always totally herself, meaning to say

Water wanted to be EVERYONE and EVERYTHING always, and forever

Which is exactly what she is

Everything and nothing

She loves when you gaze within her shimmering eyes to see your own reflection

Because you are her, and she is you

She was born knowing that

It is her mission to share that knowledge, hence all of her worldly travels

From the tiniest blood vessel to the widest sea

She’s been there, all up in it

Sometimes she shares the beauty she has experienced through her snowflakes,

little perfect geometric shapes

Water captures prayers and praises and changes them into the most beautiful little expressions

And if you stare at the sky and attempt to catch them on your tongue

Did you know you are taking inside of yourself; someone elses prayer or affirmation as it falls back to earth.

You are sharing a piece of someone else, which has inherently been recorded and crystallized by Water?

When you bathe in water you are sitting in a collection of thoughts and experiences and eliminations.

And Water is in bliss when you finally see it for yourself

Water tells us that just as she must come, she must go

And as she gathers along her way, she must release

She reminds us that as we take time to eliminate her from our bodies, through exertion and elimination

She says it’s good to consciously get rid of old thoughts that are no longer serving us

And that it is also a process in the cycle to appreciate and honor

At times it may seem Water is stressed out by life

Angered by the sight of pain and dis-ease

And she will come wailing in from the sky hitting eyes of passers by as they run for shelter

In her seeming helter skelter

And people curse her for reigning down

Thinking, something as gentle as water should never create waves

But some days she can’t help herself. She can be a catalytic force to be reckoned with.

It would be ridiculous to think one with such a brilliant memory would remember to be gentle all the time

Think of all the pain and destruction she has seen not at her own hand

Like tears in your eyes sometimes things need to be washed away

To clean house and start over

She has shared so much of herself with us

And we have unconsciously given back so much crap

That at times it seems like she is attacking

But She, just as we, at times need to purge

What most fail to see is the lesson of our own reflection

Our willingness toward emotional pollution

Our blames and lack of solutions

Our anger at our environment and ourselves

Our desire for help

But our unwillingness to change

What if change just means perspective

Water has been teaching us the whole time that our ability to handle all of this is within our control

But we let go of our cooperation some time ago

Slowly there are those hoping to win it back

They see the potential of fluidity in humanity

They understand the plan at the hand of Water

They want her to guide us

Because she cut her own path

And she constantly goes back to Source

She learns and takes with her wherever she goes

She flows freely, changing environmentally, adding to biology

Always giving back

Constant cycles

Her consciousness is ALL of US

We can not exist with out what she has to offer

Her filing cabinet is the planet,

It is the record keeper and proof that she was here and somehow, someway made a difference

Now is our chance to share our appreciation for Water

If everyday we choose to Bless her, she will be more willing to share her secrets with us

The first secret is this, you are never far from Truth and change than when this you do

Say, “Water, Great recorder keeper, Great Transmutator, Blessed Giver of Life

I honor You, I thank you! I love you, for you are the cutter of the path, the source of moisture to the Earth, Vapor of the Rainbows, A silent White morning Evident in our Sky

You flow around me, through me, and back to the Earth

Constantly changing , and yet always staying in some form

Water, I bless you, I honor you

Thank you Great Teacher

I walk in the path of respect for You”

Thank her daily, and her secrets will seep inside of you

One must ask first for her knowledge

It is part of sacred development to learn to ask for it

And then to be willing to receive what She has to offer

She teaches her lessons many ways, and one must not judge it with any sense of duality

Water is not good or bad

She is what she is.

The reflection of the observer

Blessed to have her as a Great Teacher

Always blessed to be her Student

But this too is perspective,

Water has been known to manipulate change in the perspectives of others

The difference is in the conscious realization

Which is when she says to you “let it flow. Just let it go and ride with it.

Take a deep breathe, keep your eyes open and drop off the edge

Get really, really wet

Don’t fight the current, watch out for obstruction

Use your body, mind and soul

Together

That is the function

Have confidence

You CAN handle this.”

Duality Transcendence

mindIn my dream I was told that nothing was gonna happen, nothing was going to change, that the biggest deception of all, believing the world will rearrange.

And in my dream I thought to myself, well if nothing changes, than I refuse to go on, because I have a purpose inside that tells me I have to keep keepin’ on.

The East and the West are melding and lines have only been drawn in our minds. This Red Electric Skywalker will teach you to walk the thin line, then how to absolve what you find.

In physicality we have demonstrated demonology, we have played the part of duality, it has been inside of you and me for as long as we remember.

But when you slumber there are chances to rise above it.  To see what it has done to us.  You’ve chosen your own symbology, decided what it means to be: Human. 

But the Spirit in you, the one you haven’t given much credit to, has been on the sidelines this entire time guiding you through the mucky muck, when you thought it was just random luck.

Face it, we have been coerced to see the worst in ourselves and one another.  We understand now the possibility that lies within negativity. 

It’s become so blatant to see all around us.  We have fussed, and fought; been internally wrought with confusion.  We have ignored our own solutions.  The little hiding gem beneath the soiled dirt, beyond the pain and hurt, is love. 

Just love unconditional. 

When you dig down to find it, you will be guided by the light it gives.  And when you finally hold it in your hands, you understand the duality of man, and how to transcend it.  We weren’t left here with out devices to find love when the time was right.  So now, it is time for the light to absolve us.  To lighten the load below us.  To walk the clouds of confidence that lift us in love.

For the things you do not love in yourself, there is solution.  Change yourself in internal evolution, let your cells speak of revolution, for they are fighting  back.  When the vibrations of the lower start to choke you, let Universal Unconditional Love, stroke you back to health. 

You are a potential wealth of love.  No one can give it to you, find it for you, or tell you exactly where to go… but if you listen without judgment, that heaven sent map will guide you on your individual way, to the place of your hearts calling. 

So to those who dismiss the greatest mission we have ever had, well they just haven’t found theirs yet.

Let go of the things you’ve been told forever, walk through the stormy weather with a smile.  All the while knowing, that this motion is the needed emotion to making the world a little bit better. 

Again she said,

This is all in your head.

Observant of these changes- January 29, 2010

I haven’t written in a while as I feel thrown into the waves of chaotic energy that seem to permeate this socio-economic state. We see the struggle from sea to polluted sea. But there is hope beneath the waters and above the clouds. Still we hunger for something other than this mother of turmoil boiling around us.
Natural disasters, personal failures, and realizations of a need to change ourselves because our government doesn’t seem to have the functional consciousness to do it for us. We waited to have a president who used “Change” as slogan bribing voters that one man could change it all for us, if we were to choose him. We have done just that; only to see that the bigger wheel is already turning. He is just a cog in a bigger machine full of other cogs and the votes tallied to bring him into office have no real baring on the decisions he will make, or the laws he will pass once in charge.
You see, some one IS in charge of him. A whole panel of people are in charge of him, and we have been led to believe that it is US, the American People. However, it is not to us that he answers. If it was would anti-abortion be an issue so long after Roe vs. Wade? Would we have the fear of possible imprisonment for not having health coverage? Would our countries leader really have given international immunity to Interpol International Police force?
The enslavement of American citizens has gone on long enough, and yet you can look forward to more incidents to occur causing fear and keeping us further enslaved. They don’t want you to think for yourself, they want you to be motivated to make decisions out of fear.
I am not afraid. I am not alone. And the uprising of the new Evolution says we can no longer revolve around this old paradigm. Somethings gotta break, and somethings gotta give. Which will you be? Breaking down to fear, or Giving the world light and real hope in a time when things look too dark.
We are not the sum and total of our government, but we should be in an ideal symbiosis; which is the government for the people, thereby the people supporting the government. It’s time to take it back and give that bitch a makeover.
My suggestion: Get some real women in there to clean house, cause the momma’s are coming home, and if momma ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy. And who cares about you more than anyone else? Usually Momma and Grandmomma. I like the idea of a future wherein not only do I get great effective low cost or free health care, but I also get a hug and a hot bowl of the best chicken noodle this generation has ever tasted. Take it from me Fuck the Revolution, let’s be the New Evolution.

 

1/29/2017 Update:  Here we are SEVEN YEARS later… and?  Different party, same ole problems.