Ownership and Boundaries; Possibilities and Outcomes

This funk has been deep and dark, but not as dark as some, and not as deep as possible.
I can admit the thoughts have been ruminating for sometime now.
I actually had an intuitive Chinese healer tell me three years ago that I had three things to work on; and though that list is in a storage unit miles away, I remember one point for sure.
Perhaps these successive lessons have been result of recent occurrence. Perhaps they will all solidify into something more palatable for me.
You know me, with my fine palate.
So this depression; if to prove correct, is to bring my attention to the reflection in others what I do not actually like or appreciate about myself.
So I pick apart these annoyances in order to satiate some sort of deep need for superiority, or ego satisfaction; because truly there is a lack of love for myself, by myself.
This creates a situation in which, though I may have a tough exterior, really I am quite fragile on the inside and at times confidence is low.
Now I can blame it on all the things anyone blames it on. TV, media, expectations of men presented through porn… There are a myriad of possibilities.
I know that I am a picky woman. Perhaps at times for all the wrong reasons. This is starting to reflect in my life, but it is through the concept of ownership.
There are very few things in my life, specifically carrying a high price tag, in which I have actually paid, “hard earned cash” for.
I have worked art trade for a laptop, I have done work trade for survival,
but since I have not made any huge purchases in my life, I suppose I do not have a certain “ownership” or “responsibility” to anything big.
I seem to even have a hard time conceptualizing what it would be like to be better off than I am.
I wouldn’t mind taking that on in some form, but I do not believe that I want the conventional form of it.
So lately, I have noticed a lack even, of emotional ownership in my life.
This goes hand in hand with Boundary setting with all people in my life but most specifically men.
I just naturally gravitate toward some people more than others. It seems to me that those people are far and few between, (there goes that picky thing again.)
Regardless I do give those I care for as much as I humanly can, but maybe I am not totally owning my unspoken expectations and all that comes with it.
The expectation to receive just as greatly as I give. To receive beyond the gift of giving.
I want those I care for to show they care for me, and have it some how quantifiably obvious.
I show love through time, service, art, and enjoyment, as well as through holding space.
Somehow, someway though, I rarely share those qualities with myself, by myself.
Always waiting for someone else to fill the void where I give to others what I deny myself.
I have not fully taken ownership for ME. My own love.
Part of this evolution, is remembering that I am me, and not to loose myself to another person.
I do it with friends.
I have wished I could have learned this lesson earlier.
As a direct result of not learning it; it has effected my sex life and my ability to grow and cultivate healthy relationships with men.
Attach that to a bit of a truth complex; feeling as if not everyone is telling the truth.
And in knowing myself, I have admittedly with held or over exaggerated and maybe even fabricated…
That is a lie, I have lied.
I may lie again, but I would rather not.
The lessons are becoming too evident.
And perhaps that is what all this chaos in the world is about.
If this is the worst I have to go through in regard to emotional breakdowns, on 13 year Mayan cycles this would match me to right around one of the more emotionally tumultuous times in my life earlier on.
Jr. high and just the beginning of high school.
It was a time when I was reevaluating who I was and what I thought my place was, and my place has always been on the outskirts just slightly.
I have not been proactive in seeking to be anything more than that, despite knowing I could.
I am not sure I want to step in the limelight, despite how good at it I may be.
I don’t know that I can.
But I do.
I know I should, that I am suppose to.
That in and through the refinement of my gifts comes refinement in self, and that is profound.
Okay, these things are sinking in.
So reflections of others in me, breed discontent.
I want out, I do not own.
I need to own me, all of the good and bad of it.
Truly.
Sweetly.
We are all flawed, ok; work on it, yes.
Appreciate what you have as you own it.
Appreciate the gift that it is.
In all things in, moderation.
Be kind to yourself.
And learn to say no.
Tell the truth.
Never give too much, learn that tender balance.
If you happen not to, you will always be running on fumes.
Men are men; and some men are extraordinary.
Trust that you are also extraordinary and that you deserve that.
You will recognize it.
Never a need to rush. YAY!
Keep creating because the dream of showing your art;
writing and performing a solo piece
as well as presenting a published work
To the world
May be exactly what you are now networking for.
Gaining experience for.
Get on it.
It is waiting for you but it will not wait forever.
Be kind to yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
Be very, very, very kind to yourself.
If you want to survive as an artist, you have to work at it, and not in a half assed way.
Dedicate and discipline yourself to at least 4 hours a day.
Split it up if you are having a block in progress and need a break, or maybe you will want to keep going on one thing.
Four hours, four hours, four hours, the tribal laborers labored at their specific job of hunting or gathering at least four hours.
This is your labor of love.
Love yourself and then love your art, otherwise you will love nothing around you truly.
Things come and go, art from you comes and goes.
It is passed on, it lives its own life, like children.
Sometimes they are close and can be visited, other times they go far from the home.
IT is fine.
You are a creator.
You must appreciate and own that within yourself; you must admire and give sacrifice for it.
You should be careful to not over indulge in either world of sacrifice or creation.
Just as you are a vessels you are also your own vehicle.
Keep it healthy and safe and mindful.
It will bring you whatever you want if you appreciate it and take ownership over it.
Set boundaries for consumption to keep in moderation.
You are not will-less; though you have acted less will.
You are not mindless although you have felt less of mind.
Own your words.
Mean what you say and say what you mean with integrity.
If channel will never tell you information that is not presented in a loving way, than a good example is set for us to follow suit.
Information can be granted, specifically when asked, but it is always asked to be given lovingly and with consideration. Lines must be drawn as to not be untruthful or in the mode of fabrication.
Men like drugs, all in moderation.
Be bold, don’t hold it in.
It isn’t a sin to be an empowered woman.
It’s okay to speak,
To breath to be,
Just in the sanctuary of life,
All that is and all may be.
There is art that flows from me
But rules in moderation perhaps are these:
Set boundaries for oneself.
Be mindful of one’s health,
Sacrifice for what is right and the highest self,
Find ownership in flaws and times of cause
But also in that equal draw,
Draw in light and ownership of your gifts, talents, strengths and growth,
This is the signature of owning the yolk of emotion,
One that threatens to pull down to the depths of destruction
The end perhaps of the Writers,
The Women,
The Sedated Race,
Left to giving gifts, never replaced for all they had given.
Always appreciate extra in others you lack to appreciate within.
Recognize in self, the flaws reflected in peers,
Remember always to be courageous go beyond all your fears.
If fear is fear of success
Of survival
And the survival of success,
Love of truth, and blessed existence,
That too should be an attainable dream,
Even if only for little ole me.

Product of the 80’s

Product: Of the 80’s

Punk Rock, Mohawk
Technicolored Toe socks
Mario Brothers
Thunderkats
Beating shit with a wiffle ball bat
Mousercize
Mousecateers, wear little hats with little ears
He-man fought away our fears
Until we learned that he was queer
Rainbow Bright, Colored tights
Decorated bedrooms, with Christmas lights

Star Wars, Cinnamon Rolls
Carrie Fisher, coke up her nose
Navigator, Space Invader
Gelatinous candy in weird flavors
Cabbage patch, Garbage Pail
Afternoon Specials gave a reason to fail
Latch Key kids tell the tale
Pen pal letters in the mail

GI Joe, Barbie too
Little ponies in a zoo
Colonel Mustard in a game called CLUE
Ask an 80’s kid, so much to do

Jem and the Holograms
Just another cartoon band
Cinderella, Twisted Sister
Bon Jovi, Mr. Mister
Debbie Gibson
Tiffany
NKOTB
All great late night company…

for me

Nicktoons, Nick at Night
Camping out, turn off the lights
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK….?

Salute your shorts
Candy land
Never heard of “Rock Band”
Atari,

a game called “Sorry”
Push your cousin
Call “Malarkey”
Laughing at a man called Starsky.

Roller rinks, no time for shrinks

Friday pizza party

Commodore 64
Playing twister on the floor
$2.00 allowance for all those chores
No real reason to ever be bored

Play outside, build a tent
Wonder where my youth went

Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em
Robot action
When I was ten, yeah, I sure had them
Battleship with batteries
Nancy Drew Mysteries

Rural living on the plains
To get to town was a pain
10 speed road bikes on dirt roads
How we rode them, no one knows

Nearest friend a mile away
Go for lunch on hot summer days

Pack your toys , it’s time to play

Swim lessons, Recreation
On T.V., only 2 real stations
Pizza Hut, and Dominos
Micky D’s, Bagel Maker
After Church, lunch invader
Snack pack, bologna sam
Processed meat stuff in a can

How I’ve grown and how I’ve changed
But the child inside remains the same

So you call yourself an intuitive woman…

As happens with women, once a month unless augmented… comes the cycle. Men fear it… the wrath it may bring… the seemingly petty behavior. ” She is fine the rest of the month”… what is this emotional outburst happening with the moon?

Good question. Thanks for asking.

I am a woman. Once a month I hate myself… if I am really lucky I go a long cycle and hate myself two weeks out of the month; meanwhile feeling confused and misdirected.

Wait a minute. I read that women have the ability to be most intuitive during “that time of the month.” You know, they are tied to the “lunar cycle” and everything…

Shouldn’t that mean that a woman should be most clear in her motives and path during that time…?

Only if she is “in tune,” I read.

“In tune”?!?!?!

You mean “raging bitch”? “Indecisive?” “Moody?” “Hormonal”?

You want to be held… you want to be left alone… you need to talk…. things just aren’t right… you never seem to feel this way the rest of the month… The one you “love” is so over come with flaws and idiosyncracises based off your escalated PMS perception that you could just kick something and leave… leave it all…

WHAT?!?

This is your life, right? Your relationship? Everything you have worked for?!?!

And yet every month, at the approximate same time, you have an “issue.”

Sometimes it’s how attractive you do not feel around him, or how he doesn’t seem to care about what you say; or the way you feel like he SHOULD know this happens every month, and he always reacts inappropriately.

He doesn’t care what your going through, he just can’t wait until you get through with it, so things can go back to “normal” and you can act like yourself.

Your perceptions, analyzations, and observations as a woman, are in over drive. He doesn’t have ovaries, honey, he wouldn’t understand.

But, nonetheless, you start to feel crazy. You don’t recognize this behavior as something of the norm but every 4 plus weeks. Your life feels inadequate, why?

Our bodies are strange things. As a woman, ruled by the moon, susceptible to pattern cycles with close women, anything is possible. Women are more susceptible to be impregnated by extra marital lovers who fulfill emotional and physical needs. Anything is possible.

If as women we are more susceptible to be “in tune” with nature, if we so choose, based off our lunar connection, is it so far fetched to ask the question that women watch their insecurities when they bleed?

Cyclical fighting about the same thing, personal insecurities arising about the same issue, the same lack of feelings of fulfillment in the balance of a partner energies to ours, meet me again, same time, next month and I will whine about the same thing…

Valid topics for discussion, don’t you think?

But we cast these things off. We shove them to the side. We tell ourselves, as women, that we are neurotic for feeling this way, it’s only once a month only 12/52 of our life… which broken down to a smaller fraction is you know, still a big percentage. It isn’t normal or healthy…. or is it?

Could your body be telling you something, your mind does not want to accept for the desire of personal fulfillment?

If you believed that you didn’t have to work a job you hate to survive in this world; would you believe that the intimate love you have with a partner had to be dramatic or forceful or probing in communication most of the time… or would you believe that “partners,” “lovers,” or “husbands and wives,” had a system of simpatico, or understanding between one another… a telepathy, a reading of energies, an observation of beings.

The idealistic life, is one of enjoyment, and feeling connectedness to ones environment and personal self through the interactions, intimacies and lessons of involvement through relationships, however deep or shallow.

To believe that humans were put on this earth for more than suffering and enslavement, takes relationships to another level. If you know “love” or “connection, ” I ask you, how many times has that love or partner felt a need to serve you in some way before you can serve yourself or ask in need in order to show that their love transcends verbal communication. How often do we want to assume that someone knows what we want so that we do not have to ask? Lovers who are deeply involved in the spiritual co-creative nature of living many times fulfill those needs before we have to ask.
Call it telepathy, or knowing, or good guess work; but there is no better feeling than having the person you care about care about you before you can ask them to care. A desire to connect, to rebuild the bond after time apart is important.

We want more than we get. We go against the Four Agreements and assume that the other person knows what we want before we can ask… but what about the deeper and more intense agreement between those that goes unspoken; between those passing by on similar wave lengths? Those people in our lives who do not come judge or assume, who come in so perfectly, filling space in just the right way, at the right time, teaching us not everything has to be a struggle. That person who usually comes in as the perfect friend or lover, who in that first six weeks of “getting to know your biology” is brilliant in the interaction of precognition. The knowing before one speaks, the ability to give above expectation as if it was all being laid out like a perfectly mapped dream.

Most of us have had it at one time or another… most recognizably it was mother with a hot cup of cocoa after a cold day in the snow. But, my mother is long gone now 25 years so it is not her that I speak, but I thank her for the ability to have this notion to see… There are times when people come into our life and they can give us as we give them in the most extraordinary way. It is a telepathy, it is a “foreknowing” it is a relationship on another level.

Some call it sensitive. They say that one is so observant, consciously or not, that they can feel what another person is feeling and there by preemptively tune into that persons needs.

What if, through the suspension of reality, you imagined for a moment that those moments of blissful precognition with one another didn’t have to be hit or miss on such an intangible level? what if our sympathetic nervous system was sympathetic and therefor symptomatic of our external relations?

The sympathetic nervous system is our fight or flight response; which is our natural biochemical response to confrontation or stress… Believe it or not, our biological systems do not ask us to ” talk thing over,” or “work things out.” Our biological bodies tell us that in confrontation, we should defend ourselves for survival by fighting or running…

But, we are not cavemen. We are intelligent; technologically minded, evolving people. And as space on this earth decreases and global communication increases, we need to find answers to the more puzzling questions of proper interaction with one another through the sympathetic vibe, and woman’s contribution through her connection to her body and the tides of our planet.

Best friends have it, intense lovers have it, twins, siblings, and parents have it with their children…. it is a spiritual connection through the heart, the reflex of love.

Women bleed on a fairly regular monthly basis and they feel a sadness inside, a lack of connection. Perhaps it is the lack of connection they feel to their sister women. The wonderful nurturing love of appreciation for sharing womanhood, the need to build a feminine community. And perhaps it is the sensitive empathetic response to all the injustices happening in the world and a desire to right wrongs. Or maybe it is the unconscious sadness that the one you love, does not love in the same way and would best be suited to another lover, but the conscious knowledge that letting love go to pursue more lofty goals, is bold and heart wrenching.

Humanity is capable of far more than we give it credit for. Telepathy; love, big picture perspective, evolution of a species. It is all possible if we listen to our inner selves and the wisdom it can share. Biology is strong, but our mind and bodies are stronger especially when used in tandem.

Being a woman is hard. The biology of it is tasking at times. Regardless, it is in tune with the nature outside of us, and the personal evolution happening inside. Bleeding is the shedding of a months worth of emotion, and energetic input and ou;put. Investments into relationships and endeavors, contributions to the collective consciousness. It is not mild, useless, or lame. It can be painful, beautiful, eye opening and catalytic. It is purposeful. As women we give life to children, art, love, nature, and opportunity. Through the wisdom of our moon we can see the influence of those gifts upon us. It is meant to open our eyes and hearts to personal truth.

If you are unsatisfied and saddened by your moon, ask why. Are you still lacking a love for yourself and an acceptance of your body? Are you in situations with peers, lovers, or acquaintances that do not sit right with you? Do you live YOUR PERSONAL TRUTH? Do you believe in yourself. Do you feel inadequate or confused?…. Does it only seem to strike once a month?

You, as a woman, are an amazing creature. Listen deeply to your body. It is your physical vehicle and it will send signs and symptoms to your malady, it’s internal wisdom guided by heart will give a cure. We can regenerate our lives over and over if we allow it to be so. If you need love, find you love yourself… if you feel a need to communicate your desires, may it be… and if you find yourself surrounded with a life that does not suit you, with those who do not love and respect you, respect yourself enough to move on.

It is not easy, but it is matter of life or death. Your body will only wait so long for you to listen to
it’s voice before it will break down and give up… it will warn you because deep down we all deserve the best. Your survival should not be life taking task. We are here to enjoy the beauty around us, and the beauty in ourselves. First we must accept our own beauty and then open up to the miracle around us, once you accept that the birds, bees and chipmunks are cared for you too, will understand that we are worth the same grace.

Be a strong woman, empowered by the internal knowing, blessed by the gift of life and creation. Live to be the feminine example you did not have. We come in every shape and size from every curve of Gaia’s hip, born of her mud and blood,kissed by her celestial lip. We are her daughters, sisters, mothers, voices of her love. We are WOMEN, we are bold, we blessings from above.

May the wisdom of your moon bring you to be better women, because women, are our future.

Observant of these changes- January 29, 2010

I haven’t written in a while as I feel thrown into the waves of chaotic energy that seem to permeate this socio-economic state. We see the struggle from sea to polluted sea. But there is hope beneath the waters and above the clouds. Still we hunger for something other than this mother of turmoil boiling around us.
Natural disasters, personal failures, and realizations of a need to change ourselves because our government doesn’t seem to have the functional consciousness to do it for us. We waited to have a president who used “Change” as slogan bribing voters that one man could change it all for us, if we were to choose him. We have done just that; only to see that the bigger wheel is already turning. He is just a cog in a bigger machine full of other cogs and the votes tallied to bring him into office have no real baring on the decisions he will make, or the laws he will pass once in charge.
You see, some one IS in charge of him. A whole panel of people are in charge of him, and we have been led to believe that it is US, the American People. However, it is not to us that he answers. If it was would anti-abortion be an issue so long after Roe vs. Wade? Would we have the fear of possible imprisonment for not having health coverage? Would our countries leader really have given international immunity to Interpol International Police force?
The enslavement of American citizens has gone on long enough, and yet you can look forward to more incidents to occur causing fear and keeping us further enslaved. They don’t want you to think for yourself, they want you to be motivated to make decisions out of fear.
I am not afraid. I am not alone. And the uprising of the new Evolution says we can no longer revolve around this old paradigm. Somethings gotta break, and somethings gotta give. Which will you be? Breaking down to fear, or Giving the world light and real hope in a time when things look too dark.
We are not the sum and total of our government, but we should be in an ideal symbiosis; which is the government for the people, thereby the people supporting the government. It’s time to take it back and give that bitch a makeover.
My suggestion: Get some real women in there to clean house, cause the momma’s are coming home, and if momma ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy. And who cares about you more than anyone else? Usually Momma and Grandmomma. I like the idea of a future wherein not only do I get great effective low cost or free health care, but I also get a hug and a hot bowl of the best chicken noodle this generation has ever tasted. Take it from me Fuck the Revolution, let’s be the New Evolution.

 

1/29/2017 Update:  Here we are SEVEN YEARS later… and?  Different party, same ole problems.  

 

 

Bob Law, law.

I just don’t want to be some one Else’s next broken heart.
The starting and stirring of new love,
snuffs the realization that those fates dominate our existence.
One box to the next of those secrets kept of old lovers
those letters sitting untouched and unseen
But beginnings dream is like dopamine as we sigh doe eyed at one another
promising our future tomorrows, to one another
The chemical reaction so volatile
synapses fire while neglecting reception
this is a common direction of a fast relation
as our pupils sit in dilation
we neglect to recognize our previous distraction
So is the direction of love
Where do the chemicals begin to soften skin and eyes
Denying what once seemed far from right
into a desirable ride
Allowing strangers to collide on foreign roads
and still I know I do not want to be
some one elses’ next heart break
Cause I’ve been raking my own fallen leaves of esteem
breeding, bleeding hearts
and feeling broken apart by the fleeting flame of love
Always wishing I was above all of this
but then the next sweetest kiss comes
and I’ve gone from intellectual
to emotional effectual
stranded in a technical state of being
Foreign to the current me
and as the falling begins I spin down corridors of the past
accepting and rehashing whilst still reacting in some of those same old ways
I thought I’d paid these dues
used all those excuses and I know you see through them
remnants of your own folly and adventure
Both swearing we’ve never had anything
Quite like this
in it’s unique way
and still unknowingly we are playing that same old game
The one that leads to blame and sorrow
Looking at borrowed moments but this is just
the pessimist within
because I know I am the best me there’s ever been
Admittedly I fluctuate from highs to lows
Who knows how fast
Not that you should be the sinner to pay for sinners before you
It’s just easy to do when your a bottler
Maybe I blame it on my father
Whose hearts chaos caused riots inside a struggling mind
a failing heart, broken apart
by LOVE
So when I say I hate you
it’s because I see potential and that hurts
it’s worse than cutting myself
it means I have subliminally asked for help
and received
it’s the fact that parts of me refuse to believe magic
and some how knowing deeper that shit works
Still caught in the turmoil
Of why the things we start fall apart so quickly
was it a flaw in the line of questioning?
Or perhaps questions left unasked
Have we previously been doomed
to fail the task of purely living
and being caught in reeling confusion
of revelation
always mimicking syncopation in a partner
who only pretends to reflect our own beat
do we fool ourselves into thinking we are some one else
for the sake of love left determined by the mainstream
do we dream based off off reality TV
and the drama it preaches to unstable minds
Redefining ourselves by our peers left to their 15 minutes
whilst still waiting are ego-less souls
So no
neither of us are cut from the normal fiber
and we both struggle while under the wire
and beyond the deadline of living
still spinning a web of juvenile-adult-child reference
at times making no sense
for the sake of love
a concept seemingly so graspable
passing through comprehension
beating ourselves up repetivivly
over the same old lessons we all suffer to assimilate
This time for the sake of broken hearts
the lesson of love
less than smooth
but integrity on it course
i force myself to longer yearn,
rather this time i choose to learn.
for once i ask to burn with truth
Perhaps Undeserving
blurbing my own life like lines in a magazine
thinking the editorial is just right
and I should give up the fight
cause I am losing
Stepping up
my heart takes the bruising
as my knuckles are baby soft
I have been rocked from inside out
No doubt caught off guard with my pants down
Now what to do?
Because I don’t want to cause broken hearts
i don’t want to be broken hearted

Not the type for “I love you’s”
feelings are strong enough
Exacting the appearance of perfection
Attempting the illusion of being tough
I am my mothers daughter
motherless daughter you know
No longer the girl of my youth
Recognition of of this sober telepathic truth
I see more in you than I’ve seen elsewhere before
There was no lack of ease
Pushing shut an open door
Look at the sparse furnishings
Craving something more
What good are feelings like this
When the heart is left hollow and sore
Losing the riches of love to find yourself poor
Feels like repetitively beating your head on the floor
Knowing deep down you don’t want to do that anymore
so what’s this all really for
Growing and expanding
saving a spot inside
Wondering if I have been true to myself
or if only to myself I lie.

The I want you haiku

I know I want you
Now I am just waiting for you
To want me the same

I know I want your
Support and love without things
like conditions. Please.

If this is more than
You can handle, then I need
You to let me go

I put up a strong
Front; and yet my heart is soft
I am weak for you

Ideally we would
each be strong for each other
Walking side by side

In one an others
heart and in each others mind…
I will support you

(only if you will support me too, otherwise please please please just let me go.)

A portal of inner exploration

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