Do you find yourself confused most of the time? Do find yourself staring into space more often than you should? Have you found yourself neglecting to do your day to day tasks? Is getting out of bed a problem of what to do once your feet hit the floor? Oh good, it’s not just me, then. No, in this dawning of the age of Aquarius, the past paradigm is crumbling. And when once, I thought myself a pioneer; now I wonder if I am but another light ready to blink from view too early. There are no longer any excuses not to succeed except the laziness and confusion of trailblazing a nw path in this day an age. Once upon a time I was an over-achiever who was awarded a scholarship to Christian College. The realization soon came that I had just been out to impress my teachers, and to out-do my peers, but only in the topics I found interesting. This new place couldn’t hold my interest. I became more sensitive to “the bubble effect;” which is the influence that happens to those who are too closed minded to diversify their lives. I found myself suffocating. Why was I here, and who was it for? Could it be a last stitch effort at following a righteous path approved by my kin? Was it the faith based fear that flowed in my blood? The sadness of wondering if those I had loved a lost made it to the higher realms of spirit? These were questions I felt held no answers in this location. In the situation of forcing some spiritual revelation, I felt I was swimming against the current. I left for the next leg of the journey without really thinking about it, I just knew I would have to pursue something that held my attention for longer than five minutes. In the world of no time, my interests have stayed in five minute increments. A challenge over come, and new situation awarded. I have done many things I have wanted to do, to smaller degrees than I would like. I am only twenty-eight I say to myself… you still have time. We live longer, now. We have many opportunities to do what we want, to go where we choose. Women have rights, we have a black president, the future is full of potential. Then why do I feel like I have past my prime by, how come I feel spent? My moods and virility come in waves with the moon. I ache for more, but I am unmoving. I want to wake up with more energy than before, but I can’t seem to make myself move faster or harder or with more passion. I have become somewhat passive externally. From the inside the cranks are working in my mind, my blood is boiling deep, and I am reaching toward the ethers with cries to the heavens, screaming “what to do next?” Anyone can have fame now, anyone can be seen. Those creative souls are searching and like fine cream rising to the top with a sense of purity, ready to teach. I thought I was one of those. Today I am not so sure. This could be another effect of the moon, it could be the sensitive weight that hangs in my heart, I know I was meant for something. I am asking for it to be revealed, I am tired of being tired. I am sick of wasting time. I need a little pocket life coach to send me on my way full of the encouragement I seem to keep from myself. Perhaps if I am honest about these things, they will neglect to stay the same.
If only I had a box of Solutions. Better than the floor mat from Office Space, the one that allows you to “jump to conclusions.” I don’t want to jump anywhere, I also have no interest in staring into the void until I am tackled by defeat… no I think it would be sweet to have a Box of Solutions. Maybe they would be note cards, and when I needed help I would pull one out and follow it’s instructions. Or maybe it would include statues from a Chess board, and the reward would be landing the queen. Maybe my box would have rocks in it, and I could pull one out at random and get a feeling for the hard place I am in, find a solution to the current predicament. With box of Solutions I would only need to give it time before the rhyme and reason of living just seemed to become streamline. No more whining about “what to do…” No more feeling blue over a lack of Solutions.
I imagine the situation I am in right now, would mellow out with an outside solution, one that leads to a healthy resolution, but I am not sure I have any of those in my box, when I asked what I should do; I pulled out an old hole-y sock… what the fuck does that mean?
When did I enter, consciously into this consciousness? This mess of thought forms and emotions ever growing in this whirlwind binding spell called life. Seeing the many lines of writers fall into more than one head and still heading in another direction. How many times have I seen the same lesson taught to millions through a common thread and dissimilar theme… all just beaming with brilliance and knowledge. I have found myself in a cloud of confusion where the only answers lie on a horizon higher than I know,and yet, as I said still growing. I have found myself at the precipice of a newness that cries for some sort of guidance, and still, knowingly I still lack some sort of reliance in myself. I attempt to help others,I won’t help myself and yet help is all I seek. Craving it silently and selfishly, seeing your reflection in me and, helplessly I find myself.I have a talent for self judgment, self reliant, self defiant, self seclusion. I hide in places like small mountain towns shining with my own exclusion, because the hermit card has fallen so many times from the deck that I chose not to regret that at times I forget what it is like to be human, to live in this skin that holds memories and feelings I know I need to transcend. So I take the journey and try to train my mind, rework my heart, admit I can not rewind though at times I admit it must be easier than it is to just exist in in this semi-resistant state of existence. When admiration comes knocking, I find myself blocking the attack, bringing myself back to loathing
I wish there was a more subtle way to say
“Let’s hang out.”
But we’re in front of friends and strangers and I’ve got no house to offer
I want to experience winter mixing words with you
dissecting verbs with you
making these hoo doo lazy days flow with you
but even I know it’s too soon to say these things
It’s just that muse speaks in mysterious ways
in a whimsical daze she relays the changes upon the wind
She shares desire and taunts the sin
a winning vice her voice is alive in the weaving of this dreaming
seemingly swimming behind these lines and looks
and all of this reminds me of a book I once read, the title now escapes me
i relate by waiting, no need to be the show off queen
cause i am clumsy, fumbling just to make a pass
attempts at not looking like an ass
i ache to leave a lasting sweet impression
freshly waiting to show this wanting.
It’s easy to under appreciate the ability to live in such a free way. To travel with no short leash; to allow time to be what it is with no push-me-pull-you attitude. Lose the watch, leave when your heart tells you to go, write down memorable moments and tid-bits of wisdom… share some stories along the way. Allow a strangers help and compassion in a vulnerable moment, knowing not why they want to to help, but knowing it must be one of those lessons in growing as a human.
I need to quit referring to this adventure as being “stuck.” I realize the most stuck place I can get, is in my own head. There is a movement of energy each time I step forward, if mindlessness prevails, nothing but confusion awaits; mindful to truth, I arrive to Truths door every time.
My history of celebrating during the holiday season is almost nonexistent. I want to do something, but not the normal thing. Mai-tai’s while sitting next to warm blue waters, would be nice.
The holiday approaches and I am stepping forward, not mindlessly, but directionless. I have spent worse times brooding on Christmas day… This year I do not seek to brood, or moan; rather I want to experience the holiday in a new way, maybe through the eyes of someone else.
I am joyful that I am living and that I have the companionship of my lovely Claddagh… I only require more stability in the coming days. It’s time to pull the journals out again, and to explore the whimsy of words. To recollect the weird ties I have made in recent years. The pages ask me to see where I have been and what I have become, and to ultimately decide if it is good enough. In knowing it will be an unending process of refinement.
I am ready to refine and redefine in safety, security, warmth, and humor.
I have no regrets but upon looking back there are things I would do different. I would appreciate myself more in order to see the appreciation others had for me. I would push myself harder to be social and kind, because lord knows, at times I haven’t been kind enough.
I would have communicated more often, more clearly, saying what I mean and meaning what I say, verses beating around the bush, creating drama when there was no need.
I would have loved with more passion when the situation called for action, I would have respected myself with boundaries and strength.
If I knew then, what I know now I would have the confidence to keep on track with my needs instead of leaving my own path for the sake of another.
Learning to let go would have served me well, sadly it is a slow process of realizing what is worth detaching from, and what is necessary for reasons of the heart and soul.
I would have known despair without the experience just with the sense of knowing… but despair has allowed me a growth within.
All of it necessary, but the perfectionist in me, wishes there could have been another way to learn these lessons…Now its the struggle of assimilation and movement forward. I am ready to excel, I just pray I recognize opportunity when she shows her face.
Today my brother would have been 26. Today I feel restless. Like a hug just isn’t enough and a beer is a momentary lust hanging over my head.
There are miles to travel, smiles I yearn to follow, but for some reason, I just can’t. I am having an emotional panic attack, and if I look back I find myself feeling defeat. These are old streets I use to travel with my beloved, now I never talk to him.
Why am I swirling in this pool of reminiscence, it only adds to the senseless memories I have accrued. They are bits and pieces not adding up, they are like salty tears in a cup last seen empty.
I need retail therapy, I need fresh air… but a standstill is at hand, directionless winds are blowing again.