lovely thoughts on love
Can I open this up by saying, it doesn’t thrill me to have to face this head on, in public; however, maybe it is best that I do, as to keep some sort of accountability. Something which I do not have a strong relationship with, with either myself or others.
To get right into it…
I am sick of my body.
I am sick of desiring some sort of perfection that I had six years ago. Yet didn’t totally appreciate at the time. Back when I had more will power, motivation, and chutzpa to offer. Back when I was more clear headed but obviously also very ignorant. Back when one of the biggest motivating factors in looking good, was just trying to catch a better looking man, than I thought possible.
There has always been a side of my personality, which is very aware of health and wellness. There is a larger part that takes it’s rebellious cues and ignores the signs and symptoms of a system out of balance. And it tries very hard to combat activity with laziness.
My sister is in her second trimester of pregnancy, and if I were to stick my stomach out, while standing next to her, you may think we are both pregnant. Mind you, I am not. I have just gotten really good at sucking my gut in. It isn’t as easy as it use to be.
I went through a period of depression and inactivity. What use to only be about 3 months of inactivity, turned into well over 24 months of stagnation.
The fatty fatness and sluggishness creep up on a person. Perhaps the first month of depression, there may be weight loss… which is great, but a product of unhealthy behavior. Month two, the body will be tired, but it will look alright. Month three brings on the bloat and weight gain in such incremental amounts that it seems like a slow and indecipherable crime.
I have spent the majority of my life in public view. Theatre, improv, commercials, just being a silly goof, and youtube. By doing these things it has kept my awareness toward how I look to others, and how I perceive myself through the lens of a camera. It has been my best accountability. However early this year my youtube account was terminated, and I lost all of my hard work. It kind of felt like my motivation and sense of humor were terminated at the same time.
My frustrations led me to sitting in front of the computer, sort of chain smoking, looking for an answer online. I downloaded yoga vids and did that for a couple of weeks… but at night I would drink and stay up really late, and feel shitty in the morning. So I wouldn’t get up until close to noon, which just started the day feeling like I had already lost out on half of it.
I look at the cycles of my life, and realize I was a far more balanced person when I was younger. I was far more prone to short cycles of depression, when I was active in participating with humanity in creative ways. I was distracted by things other than my depression. Whereas now a days, it seems like the only thing I can focus on.
Like the antidepressant commercials say, “Have you lost interest in your favorite activities?”
Why, YES! Yes, I have!
I am not going to lie to you and say that I have always been a “yes-man.” In fact, I am very much an “ambivalent-no-man.”
“Do you want to go for a walk with me.”
“Do you want to play some music?”
“Would you like to play dress up and make a video?”
I look and feel fat. No.
“Why don’t you go write a story, or paint?”
I don’t want to.
My life goes in these circles of offerings and turn downs. And this isn’t the way I want it to go… but, it’s just that NOTHING, and NO ONE seem appealing. I prefer to sit alone in my miserable state, painted in a corner with no way out.
There is a prevalent loneliness which I have experienced for the entirety of my time in this incarnation. I can not tell you for sure where it comes from, but I have my ideas, and I don’t think that I can take all the credit for how it effects me.
I have a strong desire, to beat this loneliness and to not feel it in such an all encompassing way. Much of this has to do with support systems, and avenues of encouragement vs. enabling attitudes. I have been a great enabler over time, and it seems to have caught up with me, and it seems to be handcuffed to Ambivalence.
I was the type of kid, whom everyone (including myself) thought something great would transpire for me in life. Not graced with the best looks; but graced with talent, a biting sense of humor and a dorky charm. Well I don’t feel talented anymore, in this world…. and my sense of humor has been dormant for some time, only coming out once in a blue moon.
I would trade all of this enabling and ambivalence to have my sense of humor and talent back. I wouldn’t mind trading in 3/4 of my depression for a better and more suiting perspective…. as I find depression gives me a pallor and doesn’t hang well on my frame.
I have become a queen of excuses. Sitting on a pile of shit ignoring demands for no good reason.
I don’t want to be this way. I want to call women into my life, who want to workout with me. Who want to reacquaint me with encouragement and sensibility.
I have spent much of my life, encouraging and helping others in anyway I have been able.
It’s now my turn to ask for help. I have gotten out of practice in asking and receiving, and I think it is time to make a shift. I will work on that, and have faith that those I need with be there to catch me when I fall through to the other side.