You know how in written Spanish, there is the upside-down question mark that appears before a written question, and is then finished with an upright question mark? It is simply called an inverted question mark, because statements and questions in Spanish are incredibly similar in structure. It is a pre-emptive demarcation to trigger your mind to know a question is being posed before it is articulated. It is then reinforced at the end of the articulation with a “normal” question mark.

Today I woke up angry- unnecessarily so, in my opinion. So it begged the question as to “why?”

There is nothing wrong with me, and most days I just wake up numb, asking the rhetorical question “This again?” And I only ponder for a moment how many people worldwide who wake up feeling that way. I avoid the ponderance of how many people jump up out of bed, excited to meet the day with open arms and a spring in their step. I’d appreciate accurate numbers if I was to pursue that data at all, and the sad reality is most people aren’t honest enough with themselves to admit, they are more likely feeling numb, angry or foreboding upon opening their eyes.

There is a sense of dread for many people- a desire to hunker down , pull the blanket over their head and go back to sleep. I get it- for many it is hard to have something positive to wake up to, something to live for. This is a byproduct of slowly watching the world continue to spin in predictable, unpredictability. To have to walk through the daily contradiction.

I wish I was a “Happy to jump out of bed person,” but I’m not. I waffle in a space where I am somewhat numb and ambivalent, or like today- angry at nothing discernable. The anger like this is rare- which tells me it isn’t 100% belonging to me. It’s a collective anger, and I am standing in its coronal shadow of ignorance; which then brings me personal anger because I want the data. I want the tea- I want the details and the specifics and if those are being withheld, I am at the mercy of interpretation of vibration and frequency.

I am very attuned to Stress as a vibrational frequency. Stress and I go way, way back in time. She sure is a finicky rascal who often times has a hard job of articulation and clarity.

I had the joy of sharing with my dad, these feelings and I discussed how this is the feeling before a civil upheaval. I made mention that it starts in the home and goes close to home, neighbor against neighbor.

It felt as though I was feeling a dozen angers individually, attached by the same crate. Unified as a stack, a unit, a collection. All are eggs, all came from the same variety of chickens off the same farm- and all of them want to be thrown at someone or something. I know it’s a weird metaphor, but it’s the visual that came up when I was first trying to articulate this to myself, in order to get to the cash crop of this mental aberration.

Today, everyone feels like an idiot- including myself, to one degree or another. We have been a collective set of idiots, trusting other idiots for truth and well meaning.

What really came in, was the service minded, service attitude of heart-people. They take the brunt so often and rarely get a break because they are, dare I say: busy bodies. They are always open to being a helper, even to their own detriment. I know this because I’ve done it, and there is no work/life balance there- it’s just help until you run yourself ragged, collapse, deny you need a break and jump right back in.

The energy bucket diminishes slowly, but surely.

Helper people break their own backs, and often they refuse the rest they need while also having a hard go of just enjoying the time they actually have to recalibrate because the philosophy is “go, go, go! Do, do, do! I’ll stop when I am dead.” Actively avoiding the opportunities, they may get interim to stop and smell the proverbial roses and clap themselves on the back for a job well done.

Helping can become an addiction, and not in a good way when it comes to self-sustaining energy. When helpers crash- they crash hard.

As my day moved on and I moved through my emotions and settled in the weird internal world that I have so carefully cultivated- the home dynamics shifted as I went inside to take a carefully cultivated shit.

The moment I walked through the door, the energy was screaming “FRENETIC!”

This is a sign to me that there is unspoken stress. As I go through therapy and try to untangle myself from the emotions around me, I fight the story line that I am the problem, and I am the reason for this vibratory change. When I use my eyes and ears, it’s very clear this isn’t about me. I am observing something that I am close to but cannot currently touch.

I asked one simple question with a curious smile- and received a short answer, a sharp look and pursed lips. It wasn’t the time to discuss this with me. So, I mirrored the look as a reception that I got the context and made a silent exit stage left.

It’s fine that I don’t get all the piping hot tea in the heat of the moment- but my curiosity is equally burning. I have a feeling, I know what’s up, kind of- but I want confirmation in words. I have to keep self-awareness to not slip into speculation- which is hard to do.

Here is what I will say in regard to my ability to sense vibrational shifts, which may be useful; my awareness of connection is multi-dimensional. Sometimes it is directly connected to those I am related to, and sometimes it is because it is a collective feeling many people across the world are feeling in tandem.

When I woke up with the anger feeling I knew it wasn’t 100% mine, it was relational and collective.

It is said that vibrational sensitivity is connected to trauma and self-preservation for survival. It becomes attuned so that the vulnerable can preserve their safety. The body awareness shifts into overdrive because things are not being directly communicated or articulated.

Vulnerable people are often kept in ignorance because they are not seen or perceived to be strong enough to “handle the truth.”

This is very strange because vulnerable people are often times the first to learn how to cope and read information via vibration and things left unsaid. They sense discomfort coming on the horizon, so they adapt accordingly to maintain that safety and self-preservation. So, in many respects they are actually very mentally strong and adaptable in that way of their perception. Often times, they don’t feel socially allowed to speak to that strength.

Personally, I want that knowing because I am a problem solver. I want that articulate communication so I can discern if it is a vibration I need to hold space for, realizing it isn’t mine, so I can creatively transmute it with intuition and awareness.

Regardless, whatever happened today, did not happen to me, directly. It did directly affect my energy, and sometimes I have to fight the idea that people play me for the fool versus utilizing my strengths to benefit us all with solutions that are often times overlooked, ignored or scoffed at.

ME: “Let’s find solutions together with our various experiences and personal diversity!”

THE WORLD: “Bad idea. Let’s do it the way it has always been done.”

It’s wild.

Either way it was nice to get this off my chest, and to work it through in various ways. I wrote in my journal, I re-examined it here, which will lead me to create a visual art piece to assimilate it all together in a transmutation.

Tomorrow will be a new day, a different profile of emotions and new information. I take it as it comes and use it for the best- that’s the best I can do.

¿Maybe, tomorrow I won’t wake up with an inverted question mark?