Decipher the Cipher of Life aka Stranger than Fiction

Yet again I am trying to downsize and further compartmentalize my life. Shed some of that heavy weight that no longer serves me. It’s hard to do because it requires me to dig into my past and this time it went to an even weirder zone.

Did you ever see that movie “Stranger Than Fiction” with Will Ferrell?  If not, you should and then maybe you will get the same sensation about your own life, especially if you are the artistic or wordy type.

Basically, today I got the sincere feeling I have been writing my life out, before I actually live it… or something to that degree.  I can look at a piece of writing and know when and why I was writing it at the time, but the way I write things is subconsciously coded language.  I don’t know how or why this happens specifically, but I have some assumptions.

The thing about all of this is, I haven’t had a bad life, over all.  I’ve had a rudimentary amount of pain in comparison to other people.  My family is full of good people who tried their best to offer what they could within their means, and probably unbeknownst to me, went above and beyond when needed.

So all I can do is ask myself  “What the actual fuck?”

I am going to admit that most of my journals are a massive spiritual battle. It has been that way as far back as I have recorded my life.  The journaling started around age 12, but I can go back to certain creations done in Elementary School and see a depth that is or was seen as some what abnormal for a kid that age.

“She is five- going on thirty five.” My grandma would say when I was little.  I wanted to sit at the adult table.  I wanted to converse.  I had questions and quips beyond my years.  Spirit has been speaking to me forever.

Now perhaps this is just the byproduct of losing a parent at a young age and the feeling that I had to grow up quickly to compensate. Maybe I was just born this way.   Who knows?   I do know that I drove my mother crazy when I was just a small child.  Enough so, for her to strip me down to basically nothing and leave me on the front stoop with the old adage “If you don’t want to be here, you are going to leave the way you came in.”  Naked and shivering.

It’s okay.  My aunt lived a couple of blocks away, and my mom would call her and tell her to come pick me up.  She would come over, packed with some over-sized clothing that belonged to my cousin.  She would wrap me up and take me back to her place until the whole thing calmed down.

Once my dad said, “If your mom was still alive, you would probably be at each others throat.”  Sometimes I feel like I am getting that experience with my grandma.  It isn’t a “hate” or loathing issue… it’s just this weird temperament that arises out of our idiosyncrasies and difference in ideologies.  It’s the byproduct of being stubborn and bull headed while still having the best intentions in love.

A stranger once told me “It’s easier to paint yourself into a corner than it is to write yourself out of a box.”  That has stuck with me for over a decade.  I wasn’t quite sure what it meant, but today, I think I got it.

It goes back to Abracadabra. A spell or incantation using the ABC’s.  This is why writing and words are magical.  This is how words hold a vibration that can influence the reality we live in… it’s the way you can send prayers or well wishes or destroy a life in a single breath.

My family can be traced back to the Druids on my Mother’s Father’s side.  There is some witchery in the blood, and that blood still courses through my veins.  I don’t purposely perform rituals or magik; I have a feeling there are a lot of us who don’t.  We settle on titles like “artist” or “writer” or “musician.”   We feel and feed on an indescribable power that fuels our creative spirit.   Words will almost magically manifest on the page without too much work.  We feel born knowing the Muses.  At least, this is how it has always been for me.

I haven’t had to try too hard in creative ways.  “It just comes to me.”

I don’t profess this as any sort of braggart, in fact, in this moment I am questioning all of it.  My family is a mixed up match of “tight lipped” and deceased, I don’t know where I can go to discuss this openly, so I leave it here for you, my few but beautiful readers.   I am realizing that I need to figure out a way to console myself.  Feel free to send suggestions.

“The calm before the storm” is over. I know it and I feel it with a force that is hard to describe. As I read through these papers and place them in a new container, I am god smacked..  I’ve predicted future patterns in my life with no intention of doing so; in alignment with that, the writing has predicted patterns of humanity and what would be worth our attention.  This leads me back a post I made about a week ago in regard to purpose and being a dreamer.  In this moment, I want nothing more than someone I could share the depth of this with, but I don’t have that someone, which is a reoccurring theme in my  personal writing that I rarely share.

I see in this moment that this specific loneliness is a representation of that spiritual battle.  We are all looking for connection in various ways.  I believe in Creation, I believe that Creation will not be out done.  I know I can’t out-create Creation.  That knowing can be overwhelming, like “why even try?” not to mention the clutter!  I make and make and make a mess and an abundance of stuff that may end up at a thrift store or a landfill.   I’ve carried paper around, weighing many many pounds over thousands of miles for what?

This moment.

This is the moment it all shifts.  I might not see the evidence of it immediately so I will leave room for it to shift as quickly as it wants to.

While going through things I stumbled on a good-bye note from a woman named Cecily Monk.  I didn’t know her well, or for very long but I really liked her personality.  She felt like a person that I would have had a long friendship with if we would have had more time together.

Anyway, when she left Keystone, Colorado I was at work and she left a note.

 

The last line is quite potent; “…and remember the journey of self discovery comes not in seeing new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”  So obviously she was a fan of Proust, or one of her teachers had the actual quote “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” on a motivational poster or something.

I like that she added the word “self” and “journey” because the timing is perfect for today.  Journey vs Voyage is appropriate because I perceive a Journey to be far more relaxed than a Voyage.  Voyage makes me think of a specific conquest, for which I have had none up until this point.  The actual Proust quote takes on a deeper meaning when I rehash my words and see that in fact, I have been on a Voyage but I didn’t know it.  And I have had conquest but I didn’t acknowledge it.

It all comes down to love and forgiveness. And this is going to be so hard because there is a lot of bad shit happening in the world right now.  But just like I am finding illumination in my own writing, we are going to find illumination in just how fucked up humanity has been by bringing it to light.

Today I wanted to get rid of EVERYTHING.  I was feeling oppressed at how much garbage we consume and throw away.  I was overwhelmed by the massive pressure of pain that is the human condition.  I wished I wasn’t part of it because there is no easy solution and by the looks of it, it’s only going to get worse.  I thought about all the mundane stuff we do on any given day just to maintain a “standard” of living.  I thought about all the people who loath the work they do just for a paycheck.

I kept thinking, and thinking about all the stuff I can not stand.  How disappointing all of our entertainment is because it’s coded and getting increasingly ominous in content. I thought about how my creative spirit has been lost because I can’t imagine things getting better and I am sick of rehashing this old script that we are being fed on the daily.  Believe it or not, I believe this rumination to be a good sign.  My art and dreams and writing tell me so.  We really are dancing on the tip of a needle right now.

As I dug through this box the skies turned dark outside.  A while letter the rain came pounding down in sheets.  I laughed out loud and asked if this was a baptism and as I went to shut the screen door the water was falling so fierce that it was splashing out of the rain gutters.  In the few seconds it took me to move the block in front of the door (which is actually a heavy concrete lawn statue of a sleeping man wearing a sombrero) I was soaked and a bit elated.

This isn’t over, though.   I had just begun this excavation and there were more treasures to dig up, so this is only a taste of what that was.  To a certain degree I’ve been pulled into my own mystery.  I am sure it is appropriate timing as next month I will turn thirty-eight.  My life has been amazing, it’s hard not to think it’s a shame that I have felt so heavy through all of it.  Even in times of levity, the gravity of reality has kept me solid and grounded.  Luckily people like that about me, but if they didn’t it wouldn’t really matter because it feels unchangeable.

Last night I re-watched Eternal Sunshine of the the Spotless Mind for the second time, since the first time years ago when it came out on video.  I saw it with new eyes, but I knew the story and when I watched it the story came flooding back.  Looking through my life in writing produces the same feeling.  (Another topic I could probably go to length writing about, but not right now.)

I sense that things are starting to sync up for me again and I am not sure what that means.  I will probably be able to glean some knowledge from further exploration but I don’t know if I will wake up with the energy to keep on tomorrow… or if I will sit in stasis again for a while.  I’ve been practicing forgiveness for myself, and part of that is finding patience when my desires are so vast.  Giving myself time to figure things out without a strict timeline.   It isn’t easy.  It’s hard not to compare myself to other people and their obvious accomplishments.  I think “I’m just sitting on a stack of paper.”  But that “stack of paper” is the analog archive of my life experience in a very raw form.

I like to journal like I like to go bowling.  I can have a couple of drinks and do something to the best of my ability in full enjoyment even if I suck at it.  I feel fulfilled by slapdashedly swinging my dominate hand around without expectation of high results.  It’s something to do that is totally dependent on my personal attitude at the time. I don’t fear judgement because most times I keep it to myself.  If you want to bowl alone, go at 1:30 pm on a Tuesday.  The only people in there are over 60 and there aren’t many of them.  Most are there just for the bar.  Every once and a while a bold elderly man may stop by and offer tips on your game.

It’s like this blog page.  I have like eighty people who follow me.  I get very little engagement and I am fine with that.  Sometimes I just have to express myself out in the world.  When I was younger I was under the impression that I didn’t actually have a voice in the world, or that no one cared what I had to say; now I think that just the right people stumble in at just the right time, not only for me, but for themselves.  My delusions of grandeur have been over for quite some time now.

This digging and sorting is going to continue.  It has to.  Something about “getting your house in order” feels appropriate right now.  May you find patience and forgiveness in yourself, and the strength to get your own house in order.

PS.  The heading image was something my mom wrote on a piece of paper.  I don’t have much of her writing, on the other side is a poem that many people find haunting.  I am not sure if the cipher works for the poem, but if I feel like it, I might see if it does.  If it does, that would be so cool.  On my mom’s typed page it is titled “Love Poem” and instead of “he” it is “she.”  Who knows?  Everyone loves a mystery and the author is unknown.

lovep

 

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My Best Friend: Dear, Future Dog Friend

Dear Future Dog Friend;

The seed of you has been planted in my heart and I felt it a good time to compose this letter of acknowledgement, for you have some perfect, medium size paws to fill.

I know you won’t be Claddagh.  I know you won’t have her smell or swagger, you may even ignore my whistle because it is too close to hers.  Please forgive me, I am going to be learning with you.  I want you to feel confident that you are you, and you are mine in love and journey.

I need you to know that Claddagh set up a state of being in me, that will make our companionship possible.  She wore the ruts of my heart, where only a dog can roam.

My desire for a dog led me to Claddagh, and her sincere companionship is what makes it bearable for me to consider a new companion.  She may not have been perfect, but she was perfect for me.  Lucky for you, I believe in that perfection and that souls find their connection in each other.  Claddagh helped me love deeper, and you get the benefit of that depth.

I know you are out there.  I know you are waiting on me and that I am waiting on you.

I will be here at these cross roads when you show up; and when you do  we will both turn a new page.  I can’t wait to love on you and share the journey.  I can’t wait until I see you, eye to eye.  Until then, I will be watching and waiting.

Be patient, Sweet Pea.  I believe in perfect timing.  I believe in you.

Burn me

Burn me.

Burn every remnant of me.

Take what I leave and pile it into the pyre and burn it to the ground.  Let the wind carry my ashes into oblivion.

Burn every word, and every page.  Let every painting singe until the pigments bubble, burst and explode.

Burn me to ash.

Take the concepts I was born to believe in and throw them into the blaze.   Take the relationships I thought I could rely on and burn them beyond recognition.  Scald my skin and the the external parchment I used as protection.

Burn me!

Set flame to the fibers beneath my feet; those pieces of paper that were the meat on my bones that were let loose by the cool breeze of inspiration.   May the fire be so hot that I can do no thing, except disappear.

Set the fire strong.  Make sure all of the pieces are kissed by flames.   Make sure I smolder until I am gone.

BURN ME~ until there is nothing left to burn.

The tears I cry today, could put out a fire in the future but I would rather burn.

 

 

Game On

Dear Source of Creation,

Cheers SirMadame!  It’s sparked my mortal mind to write you a bit about my position.  You see, I am so far from perfect  despite my desire to attain such lofty spots of divinity. I know it shouldn’t, but it does bother me at times that I could sink into this mortal realm.

Admittedly I struggle with “oneupmanship” and a sincere desire to be “right” or “correct.”   I mean, who am I kidding, who doesn’t want to be in “good favor” at some juncture in their life.

Given the fact that we are all an extension of You, I suppose you know this about me and it’s possible that you may have placed this specific code into the construct of my DNA when you were slipping in on the sly while my parents were getting busy that one blizzardy winter night, in front of the fire place in late 1979.

It’s weird, ya know?  You know everything about me,  I mean even stuff I don’t know about me, yet… and you… well, you are Everything, and it’s really hard for a human to know or even understand EVERYTHING.

At this point I don’t think I can or have surprised you, much less disappointed you.  That is a nice place to be because I now understand that you know and understand me because we can not be separated.  Funny how we all feel so disconnected at times, while you are there, just cultivating what we are as parts of you in your infinite expansion of IS-ness and Beingness. Oh, Creation, you are to be adored.

I wanted you to know that I have started playing your game in a new way.  I have to hand it to you, the game is brilliant and confusing.  No wonder it has taken so long to get to this next level.  Bravo.  Certainly a job well done.   I know you are aware that there is a worldwide team of us trying to win the match with the tools we have acquired, and I get the sense that this pleases you because you can up the ante’ infinitely.

The consensus of my team, is that we are ready to go full throttle for the win.  No slacking.   This has gone on long enough and we are ready to meet our Maker, or ChessMaster or Creator…. I don’t know what you call yourself in these hip days of slang.

Our only stipulation is that we want to meet with you with proper concession in order to make sure all the rules and conduct are updated.

I’ve assembled teams to attend to corners and ends of all the needs for fulfillment on the board.  The players are locked and loaded with the ancient wisdom.  They’ve all been trained in the Akashic and their hearts are pure and willing.

We understand that we are not playing against you, as much as we are playing for the totality of the game.

Creation, we love you, but it’s time for GAME ON.  May our upgrades be organically glorious.

See you on the other side of the board.

 

~M

 

 

Polarity and Me

Some times I have to talk, out loud, about the state of polarity in the world and this seems like a good time to do it.

There is a Matrix inspired concept of being “Red Pilled” ( you go down the rabbit hole) or “Blue Pilled” ( you live a superficial life and avoid the rabbit holes at all cost.)

I feel born “Red Pilled.”

I am at a point in my life, where even if I wanted to, I could never conform to the norm.  I would risk death by being myself, and I’m not even that controversial.  I think I am pretty logical about stuff, but I also have a strong spiritual foundation which influences my perception; I would say for the better.

Everyday people are being offered the red pill or the blue pill.  Everyday someone takes the red pill.  Every day several choose to keep taking the blue pill.   The concept of perception changing, willingly is scary.   It’s like choosing to take a drug that will alter your perception.  It’s one thing to get drugged without consent, it is a whole different thing to accept the unknown and ride out the journey, wherever it may lead.

I don’t want to be on social media, but I keep having to reconcile the fact that I am not “allowed” to leave yet.  I don’t make big marks because that isn’t the point.   I am the epicenter of an undetermined radius of beings that pick up on my electric fluctuation, in turn I feel their and we create a harmonization of frequency over time and space that levels the so called “physical playing field.”

The major resonance that exists world wide is vastly different then the mood or feeling that the MSM gives you.  It isn’t even close to the maps and charts dictated by polls, or analytics because the frequency being judged on a higher level, has mostly to do with the state of the mind, heart and intention plus follow through.

It also has a lot to do with our misconceptions of love and acceptance and how we play that out in the “real world.”

In my observation, most people will not take the red pill because it will flip everything on it’s head, just like Alice flipped down the White Rabbit hole.   It will flip definitions, perceptions and relations to the commonly accepted flow of expectation.

What I can tell you for truth, is that anyone who is drastically polarized enough to be consider “Far______” have taken the Blue Pill and continue to.

Those who have taken the Red Pill will speak through the levels of mourning.  They made a decision that would change their lives forever and lose normalcy as they know it.  They won’t want to celebrate holidays.  They won’t want to buy luxury vehicles or frivolous things.

Red Pillers want to pair it down.  Simplify, and try and extract themselves because the reality of the construct is so disgusting that it becomes hard to deal with.  Relationships become harder to maintain because it becomes near impossible to find common ground.  There is no more keeping up with the Jones’.  No more waiting in lines for new releases and Apple Products.

Red Pill makes you want to just get by until you die.  Do what you can for those living while you are alive.  Red Pill makes you attuned to the spiritual battle when once you may have denied there could be such a level of existence.

My whole early life was a push-me/pull-you of drive.  And I feel so blessed to have pulverized my dreams in the ways of my youth.   I am invigorated by the fact that I have deprogrammed myself into a point where nothing of this world is enough to stumble forward, toward.  That may sound cryptic, but it isn’t.  I have a freedom I can’t articulate, and most can’t comprehend.

Is there laundry in the afterlife?

I don’t know.  And even though I hope not, if there is, I bet it smells even better than Earth Laundry.

What I want you to know, is that polarization is a choice, but that choice is perpetuated by perception.  When you no longer wish to be in that polarization, you will find anyway you can to disrupt it and escape it.  “IT” will always try to pull you back in, but it becomes harder to slip into once you align your mind with your heart and use your will as a backbone.

My hope for my periphery is that they are able to sift and sweep through the bullshit, in order to see what games are at play within this matrix; then be moved to remove them piece by piece individually by expanding their movement beyond their perceived physical reality.

We live in a world of infinite energy.  Seriously.  We keep making, and the Universe keeps providing while we tell ourselves that we are in lack and the world is over populated.

It simply isn’t true.  But it’s the modern dialectic.  It’s true in subsections, elevated to exposure to posture the plight of the underdog, passing penance placed to those who claim to capitulate care.

Continuing the polarization of people.  Struggling to live, find balance and a leg to stand on.  Pulling apart partners who praise all but one thing.  Serving a conflict with reaction as a side and Solution as Dessert.

Placating those who know better by offering few options in a limitless World.

 

My Best Friend: Unsettled Awareness

I went for a walk today, obviously sans dog.  And something happened in my brain that I haven’t experienced in the decade I had walked with Claddagh.  I became aware of what other people may think about me, as I walk along, alone.

When I had Claddagh, our walks were interactive.  It was just her and me in the world.  I gave no thoughts to the perceptions of the individuals passing me in cars.  They only existed as obstacles in crossing the road, completely depersonalized inside their automobiles.

Occasionally someone might hoot out at me, grabbing my attention but mostly I would choose routes of alleyways and side streets without much traffic.

It’s a pretty straight shoot along a busy road to walk for a pack of smokes.   Dog-less the short trip is mind numbing.   I feel the cars pass, and I become extra aware of the expression on my face, my posture and gait.   I’m in this thought and I avoid eye contact with drivers.  I think about this solo jaunt and I’m sad and lonely.  I am sure my face has that “melancholy far off look.”

Each and every normal thing that I do, for the first time, again- without my friend, I make note of.

“This is the first time I have put gas in my car without Claddagh.”

“This is the fist time I am popping into Goodwill, real quick, without Claddagh.”

“This is the first time I am going through a Chick-fil-A drive through without Claddagh.  No one told me how cute she is and if she would like a dog treat.”

“This is the first time I am walking around downtown without Claddagh, and no one strikes up a conversation about her.”

This new internal narration doesn’t make a good movie. I am having a new conversation by myself with the world around me, and I am the only one who knows the inside jokes.

I was barked at by a squirrel for a good five minutes today.  Claddagh would have been amused.

When Claddagh and I would walk, I would try and see the world through her eyes and engage it that way.  The only time I would suspend this reality, would be on “athletic” jaunts where I would want to keep a steady pace and an elevated heart rate; other than that we would be as lackadaisical or as excited as she wanted to be while trying to maintain a lead that wouldn’t choke her.

It was only in the last year or so, that she was beginning to walk on leash like a well paced partner, no pulling forward for the lead. I was really starting to appreciate that shift in her maturity, but now I just think it may have been a side effect of her heart tumor.

If you are ever deciding to get a dog, get one that is young at heart and really foster that personality trait.  Much like people, they may age into later years and be mistaken for younger because of the youthful and playful nature they exude.  That is a precious energy to embody or be surrounded in.

Madge Midgely e Alessandro Muresu: Fct 1&2

-my lost tapes

Sono molto contento di quanto ho compiuto oggi. Sul mio canale YouTube ho caricato i due tronconi che costituiscono una lunga traccia che Mandie mi ha inviato pochi giorni fa e alla quale ho lavorato immediatamente, chiudendo le incisioni nel giro di un giorno solo. Non ho ancora finito di ringraziarla, sia per il prezioso contenuto di quella mezz’ora circa di intensa notturna immersione nella natura dei rapporti, con un telefono a fare da medium mentre attorno si sloga un traffico dal lento respiro che sembra procedere ad occhi chiusi, sia per apparire fra le mie collaborazioni ed ospitarmi fra le sue. Anche per chi conosce poco la lingua inglese, diventa emozionante seguire le inflessioni della sua voce che varia con l’intensità del racconto e delle considerazioni. Ma non sarà difficile capire il senso. Mi ha subito impressionato la potenza di quei pensieri e anche il modo pulito e schietto…

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#SimplePoem3

If I am to take you at face value for the work done under a different lens, then I’d agree whole heartedly

I’ve yet to have conflicts with the space of your spirit and it’s astute ability to gain such levity and perspective

It was just a few years ago I began my personal triad on the elements and ideas of layers but no one wanted to listen

Suddenly I understood it all to a new degree, after a dream, or a vision

My excitement couldn’t be contained, so I spilled over this fervor onto the lives of others and they pleasantly asked for a napkin at first….

The second time was beyond inconvenient; I’m not sure if the third was the worst or just a curse~

We haven’t talked much since and I wonder if I stained their perspective?  Should I request a cleaning bill?

I sat with Swedenborg on a swing, in a park after dark so that we could share a distant perspective over 3000 years under stars that only seem to shift by season.

I pushed forward in my wondering, in regard to worlds he knew better than me, before he interjected and said that “I already know.”

Not even “knew.”  Know.

“No” was exactly my conditioned response.

How could I possibly ever know, or knew…

And then I saw the layers of my beingness laid out liked embroidery rings of various sizes, inside and out like stacked Russian Dolls.

One inside the other with plenty of wiggle room.

Tonight every cell is full of love from top to bottom. Radiating from in to out.

The First One layer is always sending that intention. The time has come for us to let that knowing be- Our being.

I will set my radius as far as Spirit or Heaven will allow.

A portal of inner exploration