I wish there was a more subtle way to say
“Let’s hang out.”
But we’re in front of friends and strangers and I’ve got no house to offer
I want to experience winter mixing words with you
dissecting verbs with you
making these hoo doo lazy days flow with you
but even I know it’s too soon to say these things
It’s just that muse speaks in mysterious ways
in a whimsical daze she relays the changes upon the wind
She shares desire and taunts the sin
a winning vice her voice is alive in the weaving of this dreaming
seemingly swimming behind these lines and looks
and all of this reminds me of a book I once read, the title now escapes me
i relate by waiting, no need to be the show off queen
cause i am clumsy, fumbling just to make a pass
attempts at not looking like an ass
i ache to leave a lasting sweet impression
freshly waiting to show this wanting.

It’s easy to under appreciate the ability to live in such a free way. To travel with no short leash; to allow time to be what it is with no push-me-pull-you attitude. Lose the watch, leave when your heart tells you to go, write down memorable moments and tid-bits of wisdom… share some stories along the way. Allow a strangers help and compassion in a vulnerable moment, knowing not why they want to to help, but knowing it must be one of those lessons in growing as a human.
I need to quit referring to this adventure as being “stuck.” I realize the most stuck place I can get, is in my own head. There is a movement of energy each time I step forward, if mindlessness prevails, nothing but confusion awaits; mindful to truth, I arrive to Truths door every time.
My history of celebrating during the holiday season is almost nonexistent. I want to do something, but not the normal thing. Mai-tai’s while sitting next to warm blue waters, would be nice.
The holiday approaches and I am stepping forward, not mindlessly, but directionless. I have spent worse times brooding on Christmas day… This year I do not seek to brood, or moan; rather I want to experience the holiday in a new way, maybe through the eyes of someone else.
I am joyful that I am living and that I have the companionship of my lovely Claddagh… I only require more stability in the coming days. It’s time to pull the journals out again, and to explore the whimsy of words. To recollect the weird ties I have made in recent years. The pages ask me to see where I have been and what I have become, and to ultimately decide if it is good enough. In knowing it will be an unending process of refinement.
I am ready to refine and redefine in safety, security, warmth, and humor.

I have no regrets but upon looking back there are things I would do different. I would appreciate myself more in order to see the appreciation others had for me. I would push myself harder to be social and kind, because lord knows, at times I haven’t been kind enough.
I would have communicated more often, more clearly, saying what I mean and meaning what I say, verses beating around the bush, creating drama when there was no need.
I would have loved with more passion when the situation called for action, I would have respected myself with boundaries and strength.
If I knew then, what I know now I would have the confidence to keep on track with my needs instead of leaving my own path for the sake of another.
Learning to let go would have served me well, sadly it is a slow process of realizing what is worth detaching from, and what is necessary for reasons of the heart and soul.
I would have known despair without the experience just with the sense of knowing… but despair has allowed me a growth within.
All of it necessary, but the perfectionist in me, wishes there could have been another way to learn these lessons…Now its the struggle of assimilation and movement forward. I am ready to excel, I just pray I recognize opportunity when she shows her face.

Today my brother would have been 26. Today I feel restless. Like a hug just isn’t enough and a beer is a momentary lust hanging over my head.
There are miles to travel, smiles I yearn to follow, but for some reason, I just can’t. I am having an emotional panic attack, and if I look back I find myself feeling defeat. These are old streets I use to travel with my beloved, now I never talk to him.
Why am I swirling in this pool of reminiscence, it only adds to the senseless memories I have accrued. They are bits and pieces not adding up, they are like salty tears in a cup last seen empty.
I need retail therapy, I need fresh air… but a standstill is at hand, directionless winds are blowing again.