Well, folks, I did it. It wasn’t painful and I actually have money left over at the end of the month.
The last three days were the only days I actually started to “crave” a beer as a byproduct of what I can only assume, is my still fluctuating hormones that are still attempting to find balance. During those days, I ended up eating sweet treats that I rarely consume other wise. I am not a big sugar eater, but since we all know alcohol is basically just sugars, I can see why my inclination went that way. (Not to mention, my family is addicted to sugar; my grandma has a junk food drawer, and my uncle is constantly bringing over boxes of pastries and sweets.)
I have successfully gotten to bed before 3 am; my sleep is more restorative, and I have been consistently getting up before 9 am. I’ve been working out 6 days a week and I finally dropped below 200 lbs for the first time in 3 years. I’ve lost a total of 12 lbs; 22 inches over my body, 1.9 BMI points and 10.49% body fat.
Not too shabby if I do say so myself. I probably should have been taking pictures but the thought of doing that sort of terrorizes me.
I wish I had something inspiring to add to this, you know, to give it some climactic conclusion… but honestly I don’t. In remedy I will leave you with a realization that has been forming in me for the last month, catalyzed by my TEDx experience:
When I found out that I was selected to be a TEDx speaker, my imagination went sort of wild. I unrealistically was thinking that “this one opportunity would instantly change my life.” And so, for the three months after being selected, as I got my speech together, this silent hope was spinning at the back of my mind. That hope was that I had finally “paid my dues” somehow, and that I would be catapulted forward into a seemingly new life. Honestly I had no idea what that might look like, but I wanted to believe I was ready for it.
I wanted to think that this one opportunity would open more hypothetical doors, and that the road blocks I had been experiencing, would just move to the side and let me through.
In reality, none of that has happened. TED and TEDx are HUGE platforms with thousands upon thousands of speakers and I have the least viewed talk from this years event in Cheyenne.
After the actual event I was approached by several audience members who relate to my talk and were deeply moved by it. Those individuals were so pleased to hear something that they could relate to. They were able to have one of those moments where they knew they weren’t alone and I am happy I could facilitate that.
Sometimes, relation is what we seek, and we tell ourselves, once we find relation “everything will change” or “everything will be better”; however, relation itself doesn’t change much, it just brings some solace to situations and feelings that appear isolating.
The funny thing about relation, is we crave it so badly from others, when often times, we don’t even relate to ourselves and our own feelings and reactions.
Taking a month off drinking, I really had to relate to myself. I had to work FOR myself. I didn’t have the sedation to numb my boredom. My brain wasn’t satisfied with my past behaviors, and so I had to physically move the road block to open the door myself. Plenty of people were on the sidelines “relating” and encouraging me; but no one could move the block and open the door for me. And really, I don’t even think I have fully moved the block out of the way enough to get to the door… yet.
Through TEDx, I was given the opportunity to see myself from the outside of myself. I was able to disassociate enough to talk to myself like I would like a real friend to. I told myself I needed to change some things, and instead of fighting myself, like I normally do; I stopped and actually listened and moved forward with my own good advice. I realize now, that honestly I never would have taken that advice from anyone else, even knowing it’s true. I realize I am kind of a rebellious personality that is triggered negatively by being told what to do, unless I ask for it; and I am much too much of a “know it all” to ask.
When I watch my TEDx talk, I am sad. I am sad I let my body go. I am sad that, that sadness and loneliness caused me to pack pounds of fat onto my frame as an added emotional buffer to the reality I face. I am sad that the more I packed on, the more isolated I became in my shame and disgust. I’m disappointed that I have spent five years knowing better, and yet not listening to myself; always waiting on some miracle that would never occur because I wasn’t working toward any miracles. I wasn’t doing much more than drowning in circles.
I am proud that I did my talk, despite being in a very low personal point with myself. Before the event, the only thing that made me nervous, was being seen as fat. I felt confident in my topic and talk, and my ability to project and perform…but I was scared shit-less that all the comments on youtube would be hatefully directed at my pudgy body.
Surprise, surprise; when your talk doesn’t go viral, you really don’t have to worry about rude comments on your video. And as for the audience, they paid for tickets to the event; they weren’t interested in the event to talk shit about my body, they were there to participate in bigger ideas and cerebral stimulation.
All of my fear at potentially being judged by my body alone, was unsubstantiated. And, perhaps that was the instantaneous shift that I needed to make some life changing decisions for myself. Knowing that just because the decisions are life changing, doesn’t mean that your life is going to change “right now, this instant,” but that this one thing will create a ripple effect that will be life changing in the bigger picture.
The first week I started working out again, my weight didn’t seem to really change, but I lost 3.85 inches. It seemed like a drop in a bucket, absolutely insignificant, but I kept going. 7 weeks later, 4 of them alcohol free, I can physically see and feel a difference. I made a life changing decision that is going to require my attention, participation and dedication. A life changing decision starting in baby steps, and trusting myself.
I am committing to put the work in, where no one else can and that sure is a confidence booster.
Well my lovely readers, this is the last post in the Dry July Series. Thank you for following along, sharing it with your friends and pasting it around for people to see. It’s been fun… but now I need something else to write about for a while… WHAT OH WHAT WILL IT BE? I am still open to suggestions from the peanut gallery!
If for some reason you are just catching the tail end of this series and you wish to read the rest, click the links below. Always feel free to share, comment and like.
And THANK YOU< THANK YOU< THANK YOU for taking this ride with me ❤