All posts by madgemidgely

Mandie Shattuck is a modern day Renaissance woman. She is self taught painter, writer and performer currently living in Cheyenne, Wy. Her art is a response to our shifting consciousness in our ever evolving world. Her topics revolve around self awareness and empowerment.

Mom 1

I never gave the idea credence before.  But maybe, just maybe; if you lose your mom at a young enough age… you eventually give up.

I was a “jump through the hoops and excel” kind of kid… until I didn’t have to be.  There was no one keeping me accountable but me (and I have a short attention span.)

A “Mom” is a built in safe guard.  She is programmed to question, in depth.  She is most often built to have massive amounts of care and compassion.   She begs her progeny to question themselves and her.

Without her, you don’t know what you are missing; you only know that something isn’t there… it’s easy to fault ones self with this knowing.  For of course we are all prone to put some blame on ourselves, how ever unjust.

So we make up our Mothers in our mind.  Idealizing their attributes and sweetness… our commonalities and dissonance.  Romanticizing potentials, in hopes of reclamation.

It rarely works, however.

We assign surrogates, and stand-ins.  We idolize the relationships our friends have with their mothers.  We fantasize being pulled into the fold, and embraced with ultimate unconditional love.

It is a temporary mental satiation.

In reality, no one digs or questions as deep as a true blood mother would.  It’s not out of the realm of reality to say that the Motherless feel cheated.  Like being born without a blue print and having no regard for architecture.

Haphazard living, not fearing death… that is what it feels to be Motherless.

That is how it feels to be self determined to not harbor safety for life to grow and expand within oneself.

A slow self brutalization, justified by loss; supported by circumstance.

I am an expert.

I’ve asked “What Would Jesus Do?” more often than I have even grazed the idea “What would my Mom Think or Feel?”  I’ve conditioned myself to neither care, nor ask.  I’ve trained myself out of guilt through time multiplied by repetition.

I feel closer to the idea of Jesus, than I do to the woman who held me in her womb and spent four years with my snarky childishness.

It’s a topic no one wants to question or address, and I am malleable and follow comforts of conversation; only slyly slipping in context when the weather of conversation is suitable.  We all suffer from this malady in some way, and I willingly perpetuate it.

Oh insufferable HUMAN!  That is me.

The holidays dredge this emotional sludge up, from the recess of my heart… I will listen, and follow, but it’s always sort of brutal.

 

 

 

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Eventually I Am Going to Pop

Have you ever felt that extreme pressure in your ears at high altitude and taken advantage of the fact you know how to pop your own ears… and/or listened to lil baby have to deal with the same problem with no remedy… on an airplane, tens of thousands of miles above Earth, in a tin can, with no ear plugs and a hardened heart?

I mean, what is a little pressure?

Funny enough, it can burst your ear drums.

I feel like an imbalanced ear canal.  I feel as though, if I could just breath, or hold my breathe while closing my anal sphincter just a certain way, I could “pop” away the uncomfortable that is permeating my reality.

Other bodily descriptions that come to me, is “finally, fully connecting to my heart chakra”,  “finding my voice” and “everything finally popping into view.”

I do sense I will feel and hear an actual “popping” sound when all of this aligns.  Part of me is afraid that the totality of the grossness it is to be human, will surface at or shortly thereafter.

Do you ever have unfounded fears of “being discovered for who you REALLY are”?  I do.  I have dreams that I’ve committed vehicular manslaughter, and hid from the charges, much like that Head Nun on American Horror Story.  I internally battle with the fact that I battle myself in ways that are directly tied to World Wars.  I know where my heart is today, but my heart hasn’t always been right, or clean.

I suspect, that when I pop, it will be like a black hole, or a supernova inside of me.  It’s going to destroy what I know, and how I have been.  I always hope for the best when it comes to destruction… but nothing is totally fail safe.

When the dust settles, or disappears; I do expect some peace.  I do expect that there will be some proverbial moment of respite from  the discomfort.

Just like that intense agitation that develops before we plug our nose, close our eyes and readjust to the levity we are currently inhabiting.  One may look afool in that situation… but the relief after that couple of seconds, feels like we saved our own life or sanity.  It’s how we acclimate to what is uncomfortable.

As humanity feels this collective pressure, we wonder where we will pop.  And will we pop by gentle coercion and adaptation, or, will we bust our own ear drums?

Factions of humanity do not want to listen.   Their only answer to to drown out the reason by screaming, acting to infantile to see the greater resource of adaptability before them.  Waiting on a mother or father to relieve the pressure for them.

You are the Mother, the Father, the Baby, the Pressure, the Release.  ALL of it.   Stop screaming.  Use the tools to relieve the pressure.  Adapt to the Levity of What Is.  Comfort one another through this time of massive discomfort.  Strip way the layers that keep your heart hardened encased in a shell, looking to depart through discard and disregard.

We are each a crab in a shell. Retreating at will and resistance, or surprise circumstance.

We are stronger and more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

We are about to POP.

Pop out. Pop in. Explode, Expel.  It’s going to be beautiful and messy.

Myocardial Abscess: Abscess on the Heart

Myocardial abscess is a suppurative (pus-containing) infection of the myocardium, endocardium, native or prosthetic valves or perivalvular structures, or the cardiac conduction system. In this serious and life-threatening disease, early recognition and institution of appropriate medical and surgical therapy is necessary for patient survival.
In the past, most cases of myocardial abscess were discovered at autopsy. The very first report, published in 1933, was an autopsy report by Cossio and colleagues that involved the finding of a pneumococcal abscess in the region of infarcted myocardial tissue as a complication of bronchopneumonia. [1] Several more such cases were reported later, suggesting that myocardial abscess often occurs in the setting of septicemia and abscesses in other locations. Myocardial abscess can now be detected antemortem using various noninvasive diagnostic modalities.   –Emedicine

As I break myself apart in the construct of layers, I experience physical maladies; driving my attention to what most would go to a doctor to assess and diagnose, and treat.  I have experienced many physical pains that have gone undiagnosed by the construct of Western medicine.  And each feeling expresses itself until it disappears.  Whether or not it is really gone, or that I have adapted to its presence and therefore has become ignored or in-note worthy is of no real consequence.

I am playing this game in a different way and it really isn’t for anyone else to decide how  I play it, so long as I do not impede on others in the process.  So this body, and this mind are but a small experiment in the greater whole.  Take what you want and leave the rest.

Everyone is interested in “hacks.”  “Life Hacks”, specifically.  And we appreciate those easy, resourceful, hopefully time saving tid bits that can help stream line a complicated life.

The first life hack, is uncomplicated things.  Things are only as complicated as we make them.  When one is able to remove their own controllable complications, everything runs a bit more smooth.  If each person uncomplicated themselves, we would have a nicely oiled and function social engine.  Sadly, people convince themselves that they love and thrive off of drama or complication, and it one worn out battery can compromise the whole function of one machine.  One rusty gear can muck up the timing of all the other parts.

The next Life Hack is “figuring out your function.”  You can’t be everything to everyone, all of time; BUT you can figure out how to best function being you in the present.  The present is ever changing, and so are you.  Give yourself the permission to be adaptable. Remember, you learned to be YOU in many situations and steps, amongst various people.

Say your name is “Joe”.  Joe is a grandson, a son, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, a boy, a student, a child, an athlete, a human, a science nerd, a lover of animals, a boy scout, a volunteer… etc.

The Essence of Joe shows up no matter the role.  The essence of Joe is Life and Creation.  Joe makes choices to honor that in himself and other, or to simply not do that.  Each time Joe decides not to honor Creation and Life in himself and others, he corrodes himself and thereby creates kinks or malfunctions in the over all function.

Our world is systematically gunked up by bad decisions leading to faulty action… and it builds up over time as a spiritual Myocardial Abscess.

I would assess that if your heart doesn’t hurt to some degree, these days, then you probably don’t have one.

It feels like a hand on your heart.  Not like your own hand, and not like being fondled.  It feels like some one else laying their hand on your heart in a meaningful way, but there is also this pressure and it feels like passion or like urgency.

It doesn’t go away.

Maybe you are like, “Oh, Madge, you should just go get a breast exam.”

Because that makes sense right?  Because going to get a diagnosis can change your own personal direction… but if you heal without looking inside, on all the levels, what have you really accomplished?

This too shall pass.  You also will pass. But how will you handle the discomfort in the mean time? Will you dig into it, or leave the healing to some one else?  Will you explore its greater relevance or leave it to circumstance?  Will you take responsibility for any of  it?  Will you seek more than a remedy?

I am feeling my heart abscess from the inside out.  I am feeling the pressure of Creation upon my chest.  I am asked to look at the pockets of puss I have accumulated over time, that are now looking to bust free from their calcified chambers.  Those secret pockets of disdain, buried deeply beneath the friendly façade.  The core of this human condition.

I’ve felt this infection course through my veins like a cancer settling in each organ waiting to be acknowledged and eradicated by my complete presence.  I’ve been asked to look at the various ways dysfunction and disease can manifest, even in healthy, almost carefree situations.  I am drawn to see the bigger picture of these manifestations.

Some people are under the belief system that people are a cancer or a parasite on the Earth; it could be easy to reach this conclusion with a negative mindset.  Some people believe that we are going to destroy ourselves and the Earth… this too is easy to conclude when looking at the negativity prevalently showcased in our media.

When we look upon humanity as a cancer, or a parasite, we demonize the function of the whole.  We wonder why the world is the way it is, without taking accountability for ourselves.  We see the misdeeds and degradation as something outside ourselves as we daily indulge in our own poisons of mind and body and spirit.  We justify it, because our body is our own to do with as we wish.  We do not view ourselves as temples.  We grapple with our own self worth and settle in the ditches amongst the trash by choice.  We are fed and reinforced by this state of unworthiness.  In turn we train our children to disregard themselves even more than we do by example.

The cycle continues.  Occasionally one of these abscess’ will expel themselves on their own.  Pushing out their own infection and leaving it in the open for all to see.  And we will turn in disgust, unable to see that this purge is necessary for healing to occur; that all of the bad must be extracted, so that new healthy growth can prevail.

If the infection isn’t totally removed, it’s likely to reoccur.  Remission is a false safety, when old habits die hard.  By choice we re-infect ourselves.

May Creation lay a heavy hand on your heart, so that you may purge all that holds you back, or down.  May your heart be cleared and made anew for healthy growth.

Facing Today’s Depressing Mile Markers

I grew up as your pretty average white female, slightly outside the western edge of Middle America.

I was pretty average in almost every imaginable average way.  Average body. Average face.  Middle Working class family.  Access to average experiences.

Despite it, I don’t think I’ve ever had the average mindset or heart; but I don’t know that there is any real earthly way to gauge that.

I grew up being fed the Average American Diet along side the Average American Dream while pummeling through, what at the time was a Slightly better than Average American Education.

I occasionally indulged in the romanticizing of “The Average American Girl, who somehow, potentially breaks free; becoming:  Extraordinary.”

I thought that because I perceived myself to think differently from others, that I had some inherent magical potential to be something “more than….”, perhaps even historic.

The only thing that wasn’t average about my life, was my influential life mile markers were all out of place with the supposed script.

So far as I know, shit was fine and on track, until my mom died; even at the tender age of four, I knew that whatever this experience is, is bigger than me, and therefore, I suppose that is just where I find the great story relative to my present existence.

Some may refer to this as a sort of cognitive dissonance, right?  A detachment from reality. In MY reality, however; it can’t totally be cognitive dissonance if I am aware that most things in this reality lack cohesion and full explanation.  I see a purposeful confusion, though I know not the purpose of the confusion.

The only thing I can even imagine it comes back to is sincere connection vs. illusion. I can connect very distant dots because I see the greater connection in all things, the only requirement is that I remove my ego from it, in order to see it with further clarity.   The only thing getting in the way is my own perception of how “I think thinks should be.”  The minute my “I” or ego gets in the way, the bigger picture loses focus and the chaotic confusion returns.

The fact is, we all are assigned the same script, and all of us are required to play all the roles, and the script isn’t in the same order for all the players.  It’s actually part of the inherent perfect chaos of the script that each player has to figure out their assigned role every step of the way.  And a character may play more than one role at once at any given moment with out knowing what that role represents in the greater play.

Everyone gets to be the villain and the hero while fulfilling all the mundane background parts… and we assume there is only ONE villain and ONE hero and a million bit players; it’s hard to imagine a world FULL of villains and hero’s coexisting together in individual bodies.   Changing hats and costumes at every turn, with every interaction.

We’ve been fed a lie that life is suppose to take a certain track, that if we follow one script in order, to a T that we will find some sort of redemption and peace; when honestly we don’t all come into the play in the same way, under the same circumstances.  We learn as we go along.

If you are like me, and many others who at times, beat themselves up for being “off track” with expectations from life that are yet unfulfilled, find peace in this;  Life may seem linear, but it isn’t.    It isn’t a race, and it isn’t a contest.  Each man in his life WILL play many parts.  There are no minor characters.  You are always where you should be; the willingness to learn, retain and apply, are solely up to you.

 

 

 

Populating Levels of Understanding

Well like a swift breeze, another year on earth has passed and my birthday came and went without pomp and circumstance.

The normalcy of everyday life, took its rightful place in precedence.  An average day in the average life, of an average human.

I’ve almost completely wiped away any traces of celebration from my life, and that seems an awkward space to inhabit.  The population is small here.  Almost all walks of life celebrate SOMETHING ritualistically.  Setting a space and time for certain revelry or observation.

I’ve now found myself only just ritualistically experiencing life.  Like one long plateau.  Everything sitting in a stasis, and the only interruptions come in the form of physical discomforts, and minor  mental disruptions.   The mountains are but ant hills and nothing is insurmountable.  One listens to the changing season and adapts accordingly. Accepting that change is inevitable, and it’s how we decide to flow with it that matters most.  Accepting the things that you can not change, knowing the difference.

All levels of consciousness, or unconsciousness, are just that… levels.  Levels of understanding or comprehension; levels of compassion and humility, levels of love and hate.

Every individual is a matrix of levels.  Those levels can shift and morph based on a situation, the environment and the people there.  Take for instance favoritism.  A teacher knows they will have 22 children in their class, and the teacher commits to care for each child equally, however rarely does anyone in any situation with 22 people, like or care for each one of them with total equality.

From day one of school, we are thrust into a situation with some strangers; some people we may know., some people who will remind us of other people, whom we may or may not like, some people who are nice, some people who aren’t nice, some people who are easy to talk to, and some people who are intimidating.

Each one of those people is a million different things on the inside, but on the first day of a new chapter in life, we tend to step into a position and stick with it, whether or not we realize it.  Even a teacher is being placated on the first day.  Each individual eye will assess the meaningfulness of the person in keep of knowledge and the peers next to them.  To peer is to look at.

These beginnings of the program allow us to populate levels.  You have bullies and teachers pets.  You have jocks and nerds.   These are the basic levels we populate based on our personal characteristics, our family histories, our interests and influences.  This is where we first start to separate ourselves from one another.  This is where we really start to fixate on how different each person is.  This separation from one another is uncomfortable, and in response to that discomfort we gravitate toward others who are similar and experiencing a relatable discomfort.

We populate levels of separation with walls of discomfort, building ourselves cells within a block.  Often times when we break out of our cells and move to new levels, the people we shared the block with, do not respond with kindness.  Moving to different levels can be seen as threatening because it causes disruption and more discomfort.  People enjoy familiarity and reliability, especially in discomfort.

Each person represents a complex code of these levels, cells and blocks.  Each day they are introduced to choices which will allow them to experience a new code, but it is by choice alone that one can willingly do that.  The system supports all things, and resistance is purely up to the player.

What no one tells you, early in the game, is that fact:  The system supports ALL things, and resistance is purely up to the player.

That is a pinnacle truth, and at this point in time, a level of comprehension (not understanding, as when we KNOW we no longer stand UNDER or are stood UPON ) looking to quickly be populated.  Those seeking to populate that level, MUST comprehend that we can no longer compartmentalize that which is already quite compartmentalized without seeing the totality of the compartmentalization.  The whole of function, the interconnectedness.

A body is a bunch of cells, which is a bunch of organs and bones and blood and ligament; but a body is also a person which is made up of thoughts, feelings and influences of spirit. And that human body is part of the body of humanity.  And that individual body goes to a school and is in a specific compartment called a class, which is divided by age and aptitude, and that school is part of a greater district. And that district is organized and led by individuals, who have specific jobs, and they are part of the Education system, which is a network that connects a broad area.  And you can see the totality of all of that, but each person in that network is populating other levels of life both within and without that system.

Our world is attempting to show us that we need to stop fixating of the division of the whole.  We have been inundated with our differences from the day we come into the world.  There is always some one around the corner to fixate on how we appear so different, ignoring all of the amazing ways we are exactly like one another.

Perhaps we are afraid that by honoring the sameness, we will lose our uniqueness.  But pointing out difference in a negative way, isn’t unique; in fact it stifles the ability to truly be oneself in the best and most supported way.  This is so hard for people that they manufacture new cells to exist within, showing us the extremes people will go to out of their discomfort of themselves, and the world;   that level of comprehension needs to be met before any of this makes any sense.

We need to reevaluate why we continue to put the whole of humanities despair on the shoulders of any ONE man, or Cell, or Block.  None of it exists without the whole.  It is OUR responsibility to ourselves and each other to come to that uncomfortable realization, so that we can willing gravitate to new levels of function within the program.

Each individual will continue to traverse levels and blocks until they realize it for themselves and act in accordance to that knowing on the highest ability they are able to express.

The greatest cataclysms a person will ever face, will be themselves on the inside, seeing their  own reflection in the world around them.  When you see yourself, will you break the mirror?  Will you wipe the dust off your reflection?  Will you promptly wash your face, or put on a mask?

The out come of the game, depends on you and only you.

Dry July- Level: Complete~ I Did It.

Well, folks, I did it.  It wasn’t painful and  I actually have money left over at the end of the month.

The last three days were the only days I actually started to “crave” a beer as a byproduct of what I can only assume, is my  still fluctuating hormones that are still attempting to find balance.   During those days, I ended up eating sweet treats that I rarely consume other wise.  I am not a big sugar eater, but since we all know alcohol is basically just sugars, I can see why  my inclination went that way.  (Not to mention, my family is addicted to sugar; my grandma has a junk food drawer, and my uncle is constantly bringing over boxes of pastries and sweets.)

I have successfully gotten to bed before 3 am;  my sleep is more restorative, and I have been consistently getting up before 9 am.  I’ve been working out 6 days a week and I finally dropped below 200 lbs for the first time in 3 years.  I’ve lost a total of 12 lbs; 22 inches over my body, 1.9  BMI points and 10.49% body fat.

Not too shabby if I do say so myself. I probably should have been taking pictures but the thought of doing that sort of terrorizes me.

I wish I had something inspiring to add to this, you know, to give it some climactic conclusion… but honestly I don’t.  In remedy I will leave you with a realization that has been forming in me for the last month, catalyzed by my TEDx experience:

When I found out that I was selected to be a TEDx speaker, my imagination went sort of wild.  I unrealistically was thinking that “this one opportunity would instantly change my life.”  And so, for the three months after being selected, as I got my speech together, this silent hope was spinning at the back of my mind.  That hope was that I had finally “paid my dues” somehow, and that I would be catapulted forward into a seemingly new life.  Honestly I had no idea what that might look like, but I wanted to believe I was ready for it.

I wanted to think that this one opportunity would open more hypothetical doors, and that the road blocks I had been experiencing, would just move to the side and let me through. 

In reality, none of that has happened.  TED and TEDx are HUGE platforms with thousands upon thousands of speakers and  I have the least viewed talk from this years event in Cheyenne.

After the actual event I was approached by several audience members who relate to my talk and were deeply moved by it.  Those individuals were so pleased to hear something that they could relate to.  They were able to have one of those moments where they knew they weren’t alone and I am happy I could facilitate that.

Sometimes, relation is what we seek, and we tell ourselves, once we find relation “everything will change” or “everything will be better”; however, relation itself doesn’t change much, it just brings some solace to situations and feelings that appear isolating.

The funny thing about relation, is we crave it so badly from others, when often times, we don’t even relate to ourselves and our own feelings and reactions.

Taking a month off drinking, I really had to relate to myself.  I had to work FOR myself.  I didn’t have the sedation to numb my boredom.  My brain wasn’t satisfied with my past behaviors, and so I had to physically move the road block to open the door myself.  Plenty of people were on the sidelines “relating” and encouraging me; but no one could move the block and open the door for me.  And really, I don’t even think I have fully moved the block out of the way enough to get to the door… yet.

Through TEDx, I was given the opportunity to see myself from the outside of myself.  I was able to disassociate enough to talk to myself like I would like a real friend to.  I told myself I needed to change some things, and instead of fighting myself, like I normally do; I stopped and actually listened and moved forward with my own good advice.  I realize now, that honestly I never would have taken that advice from anyone else, even knowing it’s true.  I realize I am kind of a rebellious personality that is triggered negatively by being told what to do, unless I ask for it; and I am much too much of a “know it all” to ask.

When I watch my TEDx talk, I am sad.  I am sad I let my body go.  I am sad that, that sadness and loneliness caused me to pack pounds of fat onto my frame as an added emotional buffer to the reality I face. I am sad that the more I packed on, the more isolated I became in my shame and disgust.  I’m disappointed that I have spent five years knowing better, and yet not listening to myself; always waiting on  some miracle that would never occur because I wasn’t working toward any miracles. I wasn’t doing much more than drowning in circles.

I am proud that I did my talk, despite being in a very low personal point with myself.  Before the event, the only thing that made me nervous, was being seen as fat.  I felt confident in my topic and talk, and my ability to project and perform…but I was scared shit-less that all the comments on youtube would be hatefully directed at my pudgy body.

Surprise, surprise; when your talk doesn’t go viral, you really don’t have to worry about rude comments on your video.  And as for the audience, they paid for tickets to the event; they weren’t interested in the event to talk shit about my body, they were there to participate in bigger ideas and cerebral stimulation.

All of my fear at potentially being judged by my body alone, was unsubstantiated.  And, perhaps that was the instantaneous shift that I needed to make some life changing decisions for myself.  Knowing that just because the decisions are life changing, doesn’t mean that your life is going to change “right now, this instant,” but that this one thing will create a ripple effect that will be life changing in the bigger picture.

The first week I started working out again, my weight didn’t seem to really change, but  I lost 3.85 inches.  It seemed like a drop in a bucket, absolutely insignificant, but I kept going.  7 weeks later, 4 of them alcohol free, I can physically see and feel a difference.  I made a life changing decision that is going to require my attention, participation and dedication.  A life changing decision starting in baby steps, and trusting myself.

 I am committing to put the work in, where no one else can and that sure is a confidence booster.

 

Well my lovely readers, this is the last post in the Dry July Series.  Thank you for following along, sharing it with your friends and pasting it around for people to see.  It’s been fun… but now I need something else to write about for a while… WHAT OH WHAT WILL IT BE?  I am still open to suggestions from the peanut gallery!

If for some reason you are just catching the tail end of this series and you wish to read the rest, click the links below.  Always feel free to share, comment and like.

And THANK YOU< THANK YOU< THANK YOU for taking this ride with me ❤

 

Dry July-Day 26~ Week Three Wrap Up

Dry July-Day 21~Unintentionally Committed?

Dry July- Day 17-19~ First Steps

Dry July-Day 16~Replacing Rewards

Dry July- Day 15~ Digging for Truth

Dry July- Day 14~ Dry Friday

Dry July- Day 13~ Recycle Cycle

Dry July- Day 12~ Handle ThySelf

Dry July- Day 11~ Where is the Energy?

Dry July- Day 10~ Compounded Ball of Stress

Dry July-Day 9~BandAid

Dry July-Day Eight~ Truth or Fiction

Dry July- Day 7~ One Week Summary

Dry July-Day 6~ Real Hydration

Dry July- Day Five~ Waiting

Dry July- Day Four- Independence Day

Dry July-Day Three- Epigenetics and Sleep

Dry July- Day 2- Eleven Facts

Dry July- Day One

Dry July

 

 

 

 

Dry July-Day 26~ Week Three Wrap Up

Well, I have successfully wrapped up week three of no alcohol, and easily said no to wine when offered.

Like I’ve said before, this has been easy.  In part it is my lack of desire to go out… so maybe that is cheating a little?  I’m not putting myself in locations where I might feel inclined to drink.  Let me tell you, if one wanted to drink in this town, it’s easy enough to do; but right now we are in the middle of our local “holiday week” of Cheyenne Frontier Days Celebration.

So, it’s lots of rodeoin’; drunkin’ boot scootin’  hootin’ and hollerin’ ’round these parts.

Today in particular, is “Cheyenne Day” wherein one of our main streets is shut down, and drinking is allowed on the sidewalks during the day, mid week for any all who are legal or sneaky.  It’s notorious for people being black out wasted before noon.  Yehaw, Wild West!

Maybe I will go down there later and just observe a little bit.

In other news, I figured I would post a little up date on my exercise successes.  In total since I started working out again, and charting everything on June 20, 2017; I am down a total of 8lbs;  17.5 inches over my body, and I’ve lost 7.38% body fat.

NO DOUBT cutting out alcohol has made a huge difference.  

I’m not sure if anyone else can tell that my body is shifting, but I sure can.  My waist is coming back; my butt is perking up, clothes are starting to fit better and I am consistently getting to bed earlier and waking up before 8 am.

However, one thing I have noticed is, my days don’t seem any longer than they did before… so I don’t know about any feelings of change when it comes to actual productivity.  I am basically doing the same stuff, in pattern, at a different time of day.

I will say; by making time to exercise and weekly increasing intensity, or changing format for challenge, I do feel at least one thing out of my day is personally productive.  Writing down what I do daily, in an exercise journal gives me at least something tangible to reflect on when it comes to small steps toward a bigger accomplishment.

Watching the numbers is sort of obsessive for me,  in the sense of understanding my body more intimately; which is certainly encouraging.

I’ve joined gyms at different periods in my life, and my greatest physical strides were never made there.

 It’s knowing and acting on the knowing that: All Of This Is Up To Me. It’s all within my capacity to control.

 We all want our own personal Cheer Section, but sometimes all we get, is the choice of whether or not to cheer ourselves on.

Cheering yourself on can be incredibly hard when you may already be feeling down and in the dumps.  I found that feeling shitty, and feeling  it honestly and  deeply for a duration will finally bring me to a place of absolute boredom with that feeling.  I move beyond “I am feeling this way.” to “What the fuck can I do to get out of this?  I am sick of it.”

Some people, go dark.  They just want to die to escape that feeling, they can’t see the temporary nature in it.  They get caught in a feeling of permanence, which is deceptive.

I’m not that kind of person, I don’t want to kill myself; I don’t want to be in depression forever, and I understand that going through periods of hopelessness assist me in relating to others in that predicament.  I understand my worth as a person, and the worth of shitty experiences in helping me to understand and overcome certain mental and emotional hurdles.

I’ve learned to do this for myself without a Coach, and without a Cheering Section; so I know it isn’t impossible.

Like I said, everything is temporary; and that even means “Feeling on top of the world.”

I’ve worked out, and had my body in a shape I was very happy with, and when I was happy with it, I became lazy about maintaining it.  I thought “Here I am, I climbed a mountain, now I’ll never have to climb a mountain again.”  And I went merrily, merrily on my way back down the other side of the mountain. Then I lazed around in the valley for a while, still caught on the high of the mountain.  Eventually I wandered into the dark forest,  which caused stress, and that stress became weight, and before I knew it I was walking through that dark forest with all this weight until I came to the base of a different mountain… and there was no foreseeable way around the mountain, so I had to start climbing again.  And as I climbed, I was losing that stress, because I remember what freedom feels like on top of the last mountain.  And that feeling carries me through how rough it is to be climbing a mountain.  I remind myself that I can see further and more clearly from up there.  As I climb higher and higher, I become lighter, until finally I make it to the top, and stop to breathe, feeling as light as the air.  A feeling of success.  All the while (this go around) taking the time to pay close attention to what lie below in every direction.  Making note of the other mountain ranges, valley’s, forests, and pools of water waiting to be experienced.   What I notice from up here; is there is no straight line to anywhere.  There is no shuttle to the top of any of the mountains.  There are no Sherpa’s to show the way.  We have no wings to go straight to the source of desire by flight.  Every step has a certain drudgery in it, as it is work, but this work is personal and only you can do it.  Every time you step forward you learn a bit more, you become more attuned to the rugged journey.  Occasionally the seasons and scenes change, but you just keep keeping on.

At least, that’s what my internal Cheer Leader is telling me.

Hello, lovely readers!  Thank you for all the likes and shares and wonderful messages I have been receiving!  You All are a bunch of wonderful specimens of life!  Keep up the wonderful participation, and I can’t wait to hear more!

Feel free to click the links below for more in my Dry July series and feel free to send suggestions for a series of blog posts that you would be interested in reading about.  Until then, folks “Always look on the Bright Side of Life”  😉  !

Dry July-Day 21~Unintentionally Committed?

Dry July- Day 17-19~ First Steps

Dry July-Day 16~Replacing Rewards

Dry July- Day 15~ Digging for Truth

Dry July- Day 14~ Dry Friday

Dry July- Day 13~ Recycle Cycle

Dry July- Day 12~ Handle ThySelf