This funk has been deep and dark, but not as dark as some, and not as deep as possible.
I can admit the thoughts have been ruminating for sometime now.
I actually had an intuitive Chinese healer tell me three years ago that I had three things to work on; and though that list is in a storage unit miles away, I remember one point for sure.
Perhaps these successive lessons have been result of recent occurrence. Perhaps they will all solidify into something more palatable for me.
You know me, with my fine palate.
So this depression; if to prove correct, is to bring my attention to the reflection in others what I do not actually like or appreciate about myself.
So I pick apart these annoyances in order to satiate some sort of deep need for superiority, or ego satisfaction; because truly there is a lack of love for myself, by myself.
This creates a situation in which, though I may have a tough exterior, really I am quite fragile on the inside and at times confidence is low.
Now I can blame it on all the things anyone blames it on. TV, media, expectations of men presented through porn… There are a myriad of possibilities.
I know that I am a picky woman. Perhaps at times for all the wrong reasons. This is starting to reflect in my life, but it is through the concept of ownership.
There are very few things in my life, specifically carrying a high price tag, in which I have actually paid, “hard earned cash” for.
I have worked art trade for a laptop, I have done work trade for survival,
but since I have not made any huge purchases in my life, I suppose I do not have a certain “ownership” or “responsibility” to anything big.
I seem to even have a hard time conceptualizing what it would be like to be better off than I am.
I wouldn’t mind taking that on in some form, but I do not believe that I want the conventional form of it.
So lately, I have noticed a lack even, of emotional ownership in my life.
This goes hand in hand with Boundary setting with all people in my life but most specifically men.
I just naturally gravitate toward some people more than others. It seems to me that those people are far and few between, (there goes that picky thing again.)
Regardless I do give those I care for as much as I humanly can, but maybe I am not totally owning my unspoken expectations and all that comes with it.
The expectation to receive just as greatly as I give. To receive beyond the gift of giving.
I want those I care for to show they care for me, and have it some how quantifiably obvious.
I show love through time, service, art, and enjoyment, as well as through holding space.
Somehow, someway though, I rarely share those qualities with myself, by myself.
Always waiting for someone else to fill the void where I give to others what I deny myself.
I have not fully taken ownership for ME. My own love.
Part of this evolution, is remembering that I am me, and not to loose myself to another person.
I do it with friends.
I have wished I could have learned this lesson earlier.
As a direct result of not learning it; it has effected my sex life and my ability to grow and cultivate healthy relationships with men.
Attach that to a bit of a truth complex; feeling as if not everyone is telling the truth.
And in knowing myself, I have admittedly with held or over exaggerated and maybe even fabricated…
That is a lie, I have lied.
I may lie again, but I would rather not.
The lessons are becoming too evident.
And perhaps that is what all this chaos in the world is about.
If this is the worst I have to go through in regard to emotional breakdowns, on 13 year Mayan cycles this would match me to right around one of the more emotionally tumultuous times in my life earlier on.
Jr. high and just the beginning of high school.
It was a time when I was reevaluating who I was and what I thought my place was, and my place has always been on the outskirts just slightly.
I have not been proactive in seeking to be anything more than that, despite knowing I could.
I am not sure I want to step in the limelight, despite how good at it I may be.
I don’t know that I can.
But I do.
I know I should, that I am suppose to.
That in and through the refinement of my gifts comes refinement in self, and that is profound.
Okay, these things are sinking in.
So reflections of others in me, breed discontent.
I want out, I do not own.
I need to own me, all of the good and bad of it.
Truly.
Sweetly.
We are all flawed, ok; work on it, yes.
Appreciate what you have as you own it.
Appreciate the gift that it is.
In all things in, moderation.
Be kind to yourself.
And learn to say no.
Tell the truth.
Never give too much, learn that tender balance.
If you happen not to, you will always be running on fumes.
Men are men; and some men are extraordinary.
Trust that you are also extraordinary and that you deserve that.
You will recognize it.
Never a need to rush. YAY!
Keep creating because the dream of showing your art;
writing and performing a solo piece
as well as presenting a published work
To the world
May be exactly what you are now networking for.
Gaining experience for.
Get on it.
It is waiting for you but it will not wait forever.
Be kind to yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
Be very, very, very kind to yourself.
If you want to survive as an artist, you have to work at it, and not in a half assed way.
Dedicate and discipline yourself to at least 4 hours a day.
Split it up if you are having a block in progress and need a break, or maybe you will want to keep going on one thing.
Four hours, four hours, four hours, the tribal laborers labored at their specific job of hunting or gathering at least four hours.
This is your labor of love.
Love yourself and then love your art, otherwise you will love nothing around you truly.
Things come and go, art from you comes and goes.
It is passed on, it lives its own life, like children.
Sometimes they are close and can be visited, other times they go far from the home.
IT is fine.
You are a creator.
You must appreciate and own that within yourself; you must admire and give sacrifice for it.
You should be careful to not over indulge in either world of sacrifice or creation.
Just as you are a vessels you are also your own vehicle.
Keep it healthy and safe and mindful.
It will bring you whatever you want if you appreciate it and take ownership over it.
Set boundaries for consumption to keep in moderation.
You are not will-less; though you have acted less will.
You are not mindless although you have felt less of mind.
Own your words.
Mean what you say and say what you mean with integrity.
If channel will never tell you information that is not presented in a loving way, than a good example is set for us to follow suit.
Information can be granted, specifically when asked, but it is always asked to be given lovingly and with consideration. Lines must be drawn as to not be untruthful or in the mode of fabrication.
Men like drugs, all in moderation.
Be bold, don’t hold it in.
It isn’t a sin to be an empowered woman.
It’s okay to speak,
To breath to be,
Just in the sanctuary of life,
All that is and all may be.
There is art that flows from me
But rules in moderation perhaps are these:
Set boundaries for oneself.
Be mindful of one’s health,
Sacrifice for what is right and the highest self,
Find ownership in flaws and times of cause
But also in that equal draw,
Draw in light and ownership of your gifts, talents, strengths and growth,
This is the signature of owning the yolk of emotion,
One that threatens to pull down to the depths of destruction
The end perhaps of the Writers,
The Women,
The Sedated Race,
Left to giving gifts, never replaced for all they had given.
Always appreciate extra in others you lack to appreciate within.
Recognize in self, the flaws reflected in peers,
Remember always to be courageous go beyond all your fears.
If fear is fear of success
Of survival
And the survival of success,
Love of truth, and blessed existence,
That too should be an attainable dream,
Even if only for little ole me.