Reasons Active Un-involvement Is Better Than Activism

Are you the type of person who gets upset and fired up about injustice in the world?

Are you the type of person who will join a cause in order to put your hands in the pot of injustice; in order to stir the contents, and hope the stew comes out better than when you first involved yourself?

Do you throw yourself head first into “causes” which seem to only de-evolve and leave you with a bruised head and ego?

Then maybe you should take a step back and look at so called “activism.”

Activism is in direct relation to Polarity. Activism rarely has any real solutions… rather it is a vehicle for sharing information and through that information polarizing people by bringing smaller groups together, and isolating others through conflict.

Do I believe in Human Rights and Free Will? Yes.
Do I believe Activist groups are really looking out for the greater good? Not really.

Their intentions may seem spotless, but the fact is that they are creating a sort of black hole when it really comes to change.

Maybe you will say… “what about all those people in Egypt who are rioting… don’t you think that is activism?”

Well no, I don’t… I actually see it as Active Un-Involvement.

People who are willing to say “fuck going to work, fuck going to the store, fuck this system! We are gonna rally in the streets and stop the machine by stopping participation with the expectations of our keepers.” That is active un-involvement.

The first reason this is better than activism, is because the only real way to beat any system, is to remove yourself from it. To live life as is right by your heart vs what the mainstream says.

The solution is not to start an “anti” campaign. Anti-campaigns only create more conflict by saying “this thing over here is bad.” By creating an anti-campaign you are actually still participating with the thing you do not agree with. You are not pulling yourself from participation with the other side.

A person can yell against GMO’s all day… but if they are still buying their food from a big chain grocery store… they are in direct conflict of their message.

Proof is in action, not activism. Hate GMO’s? Boycott the grocery store, build a green house and start tending your vegetables.

Invite people to eat them, or to buy starts off you…. That is Active Un-involvement, which offers a non violent active solution to an idea or system your head and heart do not agree with.

I would have to say that sincere “anti- car” cyclists are the most Active in Un-Involvement as it gets… They ride their bikes everywhere. In highly congested areas they get where they need to be faster… their calves are usually really nice, and they have found a very productive solution to staying away from the oil industry. I once had a friend like this who had ” Fuck Cars” tattooed across her calves… so while she was speeding through traffic, the drivers of cars could see her point, very clearly.

Active Un-Involvement is a way for a person to REALLY live their Truth. If you don’t agree with something, don’t buy into it. Don’t give it your energy… instead redirect your energy into the solution.

Activism, like I said, is really great for the dissemination of information… but rarely does it go much further.

Think about how much money has gone into “finding a cure for cancer,” when we have had several all along. People have been fed a placebo idea, that it is some how wrong to question alternatives and fall out of line with corrupt ideals.

People who actively un-involve themselves are free thinkers. They do not rely on a group to tell them what is right or wrong… rather they take all the information into account and think for themselves. These same people are usually very tired of falling into rank when it comes to ideas they don’t agree with, and instead of fighting back… they just drop out and create the circumstances they would like to see.

Now maybe you are reading all this, and you disagree. You think things are just fine the way they are. Or maybe you consider yourself to be an activist and this is just down right sacrilege…

Are you going to start an “anti Madge Midgely” blog? Are you going to funnel your energy into telling me I am wrong? Or are you going just blow off this article as bullshit and go right back to your campaign? Most likely you will simmer over it for a minute and move on, maybe even start your own blog about activism. And that is okay… that is your first recognition that you are capable of active un-involvement.

We don’t have to bash anyone, or any thing. We just have to educate people and allow them to think for themselves with the solution that they CAN DO ANYTHING they put their mind to, and the best way to be active is to just go and do it and see what happens.

We each choose to actively un-involve ourselves in many ways through out life… whether it is the conscious effort to not be involved in gossip, or whether it is a boycott on the Nestle’ Corp. We choose where we want to put our energy.

If you feel a massive amount of conflict in your life… look at how many mental “anti campaigns” you have running through your program. Shut them off. Redirect your mental energy into seeing why things exist the way they do, figure out what works and what doesn’t. Figure out what brings you most piece of mind and heart. Follow that, and start being active with your True Self and not the bi-polar conflict of belief without real action. Educate yourselves on Many Points of View… and then discern the Truth.


Well… Wasn’t that Pleasant?!?

I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t get much joy out of shopping.

 Call me crazy, but I don’t.

Especially when it comes to BIG BOX STORES and Retail Chains.

Sadly at this point in time, I am living in a town which is a franchisee’s wet dream.  There are very few local business’ unattached to franchise or big Corp.

 A sort of sad malady if you ask me;  which makes shopping, a sort of excruciating experience.  Dare I say, a “clusterfuck”?

Everyone needs “their things.”  And stores are so sneaky, with their random shifting of items in the store, and changes in product packaging… They will keep you wandering aimlessly, filling your cart for hours.

It is imparetive to go in with a list and a plan… the plan is simple… KEEP IT SIMPLE!

It can be hard to keep it simple however.  Especially in the throws of such a clusterfuck.  It is best to time these things early in the week, early in the day.  

There is bound to be congestion, but usually it is the over 70 crowd and I already live with one of them. I know I can move faster and reach taller than they can…. it makes shopping a breeze on Monday mid morn… all the gray hairs slowly scooting in mobile carts around the store.  Probably look for Breck shampoo that no longer exists… or attempting to find the closest equivalent based off what they remember from TV. Which is bound to be over advertised and over priced.

I can gripe about shopping for hours and pages… I really dislike the process of handing money over to corporations who only receive it because there are very few other options, especially when their products are usually harmful but also smell nice.

Final word? Grow your own stuff… look into making your own shampoos, washes and cleaners… feel cleaner, save scrilla, and avoid the mass-holes even though you don’t find yourself in Massachusetts.

Why Do You Continue to Support Hollywood?

mindMaybe it is your once a month date night with hubby or an afternoon matinee with the kids; maybe it is your child going to see the same movie over and over again… maybe you pay for Nexflix, Hulu, and Redbox in addition to regular DVD purchases.

Why do you continue to do this?

What about these stories and characters is so amazing and amusing that you set aside funds AND hours out of your day in order to somewhat sedate yourself for the time of consumption. In order to lose yourself in some one else’s fiction.

Sure, sure, sure… Entertainment makes us feel things, but so do drugs. So does internet access… it doesn’t mean it is making us more conscious or aware. It doesn’t mean we aren’t using it as a blinder to hide from ourselves and to really ignore the inspiration in the act of LIVING.

Are you REALLY LIVING when you sit there for hours on end, consuming the prefabricated dribble of those we view to be gods in their own right, by their individual re-creations of things past.

Not much is new in the entertainment/media industry. Every old classic is being reproduced… but funnier yet, all these old classics are built from archetypal stories attached to Astro-theology.

What is Astro-Theology? Well it is OUR story, in the stars, in the constellations. It is the basis for all Archetypal stories. From Osiris to Jesus all the way to the generic “Hero’s Journey,” which is the basis for much literature.

Tis’ true, there is nothing new under the sun.

Except for each and every one of YOU.

You are each the individuation of a greater creation… You are DNA; experience, nature, nurture, Consciousness, sub consciousness, ancestral influence, observation, interaction, perception, and influence.

All this potential struggle with road maps of discovery and potential conquer; and yet most choose to sell themselves short.

These days it is easy to sell out to self sedation through consumption of too much “entertainment.” And let me tell you, it isn’t just the media, entertaining all these folks.

In the mean time they are forsaking the gift they have been given to really identify themselves as a unique expression; while also accepting that they are very much the same in very generic ways, as is the rest of humanity.

Parents think it is funny when their kids emulate those “stars” they see on the big screen. They disregard the fact they are allowing their children to be manipulated and brain washed… and instead of encourage them to express their individuality, they find it funny and instead film it; adding to the idiocracy by posting those videos online.

I could be wrong, but I doubt it; when I say ” it’s gross your toddler looks like a prostitute and is dancing in such a way that seems disrespectful for an adult woman.” I mean it. And if you want to get upset about it, maybe you should look into the sexualization of children.

Watch this vid for a couple of minutes… think about this industry in which so much money goes to in order to sedate ourselves and live vicariously through stars…

It is an industry full of pain and mistreatment of people. Most people, myself included; wanted to be there at one point in time… I thought I could break it, and expose it from the inside out.

I didn’t even want fame… I would have been happy with a b-movie cult following… I just wanted an honest opportunity to express myself unencumbered. But, truly that is NOT what fame offers. Dues have to be paid to some degree… eventually if it is just money and fame you are looking for… you can get it. But it may not be honestly, and you may not love what you have become at the end of the day.

Hollywood is full of miserable people making a “living” off of faking it.

Movies do not teach people to be their own stars… No, no, no. In fact it is quite the opposite in these days of 15 minutes of fame, and going viral.

Mainstream media is asking you to sell out by tuning in and buying their shit.
You may have an image of yourself you THINK you are portraying, but at the end of the day, there is always an editor. You may not like what you seen in post production. You may be misrepresented.  And if you thought living in a small town was bad, imagine all your flaws broadcast world wide.

The entertainment industry covers itself in the illusion that a person will be able to express themselves, truly as themselves… but actors are willing pawns… what is the desire of end result?

Movies and their repetitious actors cause people to want to emulate, and relate on personal levels with actors, who many times are seemingly unreachable.

What good is that?


I am a Real and Reachable Person. I choose to influence humanity by being myself.

I don’t want to read for your plays anymore, or audition for your movies… I do not want to speak in some one else’s voice.

I want to speak mine. My truth.

My Truth wants to see what you have to offer as a unique star in this Universe, acting in the greatest loosely scripted act in his/herstory.

US! OUR INFLUENCE unencumbered by inane programs…

Start actually LIVING like the Star, You Are… and neglect the bullshit of abuse which is the core of what you probably find most entertaining…

You ARE entertaining… Figure out how to honor that and Entertain Yourselves!

Why The “Lightworker” Movement And It’s Marketing Schemes Don’t Move Me.

Money only moves me through some sort of necessary need when required because of the greater whole which subscribes to such fiction.

Guess what? I wanted a nice bike… and some one ditched a sweet 1968 Schwinn 3 speed Breeze in my alleyway near my trash. All it needs are some new break cables and some break pads, a little polish on the chrome… and shit… it even has a basket. A bike in this condition though old and salvaged, could easily get about 300 bones. Not bad, for something I neither stole, liberated, or bought. I look the local lost and found everyday, just in case someone else stole it and ditched it. It’s been about three weeks and nothing. Quite frankly, I don’t feel terrible about it.

I’m not trying to get all “The Secret” on you… but I have wanted a bike like this for a long time… with out some psychotic wanting. There were no “dream boards” in this “Mandie-festation.”

The “Light working” community say all the “right” things… but, they have given up the dream that ANYTHING can happen… with out money.

What is innovation? A great idea manifest. People are innovating new technology all the time. Sometimes the prototype is made from this and that, and isn’t the highest in recent tech… but it still stands for innovation in evolution.

People who want things to happen, do not require money to make it happen, they just do what they have to do in order to manifest the vision. All things start as an idea, and that idea requires participation. Even big ideas, sometimes only have the participation of one person. That person will participate all their resources to make it real… but at the end of the day, if they are looking for mass production it is going to cost money.

It may help the world; but it will cost some and benefit others. In fact the benefit of it may even monetarily drain the same people it is “helping” while floating those who monetarily supported the project…(i.e. pharmaceuticals.)

Did money invent electricity? Did money design the first plane? Did money grow the trees that build the house you live in?

NOOOOO dude… people with good ideas created these things. And these ideas were gifted on them for free by experience and participation.

Money is fiction. Money is our sour middle man. Money pretends to offer luxury that is actually afforded ALL, because innovation is a spark of the mind and spirit, and the things we create come from what we know already exists. Money is the buffer that keeps us from believing we are worth more, or that we can attain the unimaginable.

Everything has a price tag. Our services, our goods, crafts, foods, and creations.

Gosh, it even costs money to do the most natural thing on Earth…procreate.

Nestle’ wants EVERYONE to pay for their water…

Nothing is “free.”

Except ideas and drive… and those aren’t necessarily free as your conscious must be working to attain them.

The “light workers” were not called here to jump into the system in hopes just their presence there, would change the game. The Light Workers were called to change the game and redefine the standard.

I am sorry to say that they have failed their task. They have jumped down the Orion hoop and sold out. In; Cause, Reaction, Solution… their solution was to join the ranks and pretend that what they have to offer is some how different whilst still selling themselves (out) the same way as everyone else. #buymebecauseIcan’tfigureoutmyownworth.

Money, is the blood on our hands.

Money is what has usurped the people who were called here to change the world; with the lie that money DOES MEAN SOMETHING. That we need to love it and use it because it is “energy.”

That’s like me doing all your work, and you getting all the benefit. “Here is a shilling for your time.”

“Oh,so your bucket full of shillings is worth more than me; though I work hard, and I am alive, a real person? And, since it is your business, and you hold the shillings, YOU are worth more than me? Are we all not priceless in the eyes of creation? Is this suppose to make sense?”

“Oh so I have to behave as a slave in order to have the opportunity to prove my worth?”

I don’t care if it is fiat currency or gold… it is useless. It does not show YOUR WORTH or the worth of anything which you may find “sacred.”

When you try and figure out, “what you are REALLY worth” and “what life/experience means to you”… money really doesn’t define worth or much meaning. In this day and age, it is a “means to an end.”

It is what we use when our innovation and passion have been sucked dry by the leeches who desire to usurp what we all strive for… free will and creativity.

It is the nasty hurdle which keeps tripping people up mentally, physically and spiritually. Every time you feel passionate or potential, this nasty voice comes in with a crippling excuse…

” I can’t do it because I don’t have the money” becomes the mantra of a victim.

Maybe it is knee replacement surgery, maybe it is the trip you want to take, maybe it is the speaker you want to hear…

Always leading back to the biggest and fictitious excuse known to man… Money.

People buy products which are crap because they are cheap.
People buy beliefs posted on mainstream because they are repetitious and funded by crooks who don’t give a fuck…
People buy the hype… because it is trendy, or new, or different.
People are so void of self confidence, they will buy damn near anything in hopes to fill some void.

But from my point of view it just makes those exact people seem cheap, repetitious, crooky and superficial. And in the end, down right, empty.

It seems like these people are trying to figure out their internal space by buying into the external and therefore selling themselves out. Much like a prostitute guised under the title “Good Marketeer.”

And I’m sorry, but that isn’t Spirit. That is Sales. That is the effect of a sell out based on the hurdles of illusion.

Maybe my bike in the alley means nothing to you. But this is just one story out of thousands I have which relate to desire, manifestation and the fact money is fiction.

Money didn’t make that bike. A designer, and potentially a team of people did. And money didn’t make it’s metal handle bars… they came from the earth and some one fabricated the mineral. Money doesn’t make things happen… WE DO. If resilient and driven… WE FIND A WAY, REGARDLESS!

Good ideas NEVER DIE! Sometimes they just take a loooooong time shifting hands because of suppression. Tesla for example. We know his innovation was stolen from him, and he died penniless and alone. Never able to get the credit or see the benefits of his creation. A person who was not looking for a get rich quick scheme, but a human looking to help humanity with free energy. A selfless act of genius. And because free energy doesn’t cost money, it’s only been in the last decade or so where the focus is back on Tesla himself, and what he had to offer.

If your innovation is good enough, people will want to jump on board, regardless of what you have to offer them… Capitalistic minded people will jump on board to eventually make money, because that is how our society is focused. This also is why people take internships. They are willing to work for the experience, lessons, and opportunity hoping to excel by being involved at a ground level and getting an “in”.

EVERYTHING is the same way.

When “Lightworkers” tell me that my problem is with money, and that is why I keep it from me… well I know better. I don’t want money. I want the change everyone else wants. The difference is I don’t think money will make it happen, and in fact it will actually create more hurdles and frustrations for those who are actually looking to make a change, with out worrying about the change they make.

How much longer are we going to allow the derelict others to usurp our innovations and cloak them under the need of fiction called “money”?

As long as people continue to justify and compromise their real purpose here on earth, and as long as they continue to sell out for far less than their actual worth.

The system you loathe continues it’s grip on you, because of the excuses you make for it. The justifications for the unjust things it does.

For me, it isn’t that I hate the system; rather I hate how we have been so lackadaisical in recognizing the only ones who can change it, is ourselves. From the inside out.

You have to be able to see the fiction for what it is, and no longer choose to support what is not real.

I am saddened by all the justifications and lack of action in changing it; basically because there are truly only three needs in humanity. The need for food, shelter and safety. Food is made from seeds, shelter is built from what grows, and safety is a state of mind which is a choice and upheld by community.

If these three simple things were met for all people, in all communities, they would inherently THRIVE! If you are not worried about paying bills and working 5 jobs to feed your family… you inherently have the time and energy to be more creative and involved in the actual activity of LIVING.

Funny thing too… in order to change it, we have to abandon what we have for something else… because obviously what we have is not working for everyone and is getting out of control.

Step back a moment and look at money… for REAL. Would life continue without it? Will trees still grow, water still flow? With out it, would we finally start to explore ourselves and what we have to offer?

Money keeps the stock market moving. Beyond that… it is a puppet, and the same master has his hands on you and the money.

Cut your strings. Think for yourself. Make the unimaginable happen by the amazing reserve of energy you have been given by the gift of life, provided by an abundant source which never runs dry. The only thing that keeps you from stepping into the unknown is fear. The only thing that makes you pad your bank account is fear… seriously, fear is no state of mind to teach your children… and fear is no mindset for making decisions.

Fear restricts potential and fogs the mind from seeing opportunity.

Let go of fear, and see what happens… because fear like money; is fiction.


It’s coming, can you feel it? The world is taking on a certain sense of transparency; where once there were lies buried too deep to see, unearth a disturbing truth. We all have things we have been hiding from ourselves and others for years. I am going to guess there is a very small percentage of people out there who experience telling the truth and being fully authentic in every moment.

I mean, to be totally authentic is not an easy task when you have been brought up to buy into both the program of “being honest,” and “keeping a smile on your face.” These things to me, seem in direct conflict of one another.

Websites like Facebook have opened the flood gates for potential pity parties catalyzed by vague statements made in a status up date. Facebook is one of the first places people go to vent out their angst. They realize they can get some acknowledgment for their struggles. Commiserate over children, whine about traffic, or confess a crush.

But you never see any one say, “I beat the shit out of my kids today. I hate that I did. I am having a hard time right now, I could use some help. Can any one offer me therapy, or some assistance. I am having a very tough time coping with this alone. And the kids don’t deserve it. I need the help of my community.”

or how about, “I have fallen back into destructive behavior and substance abuse. I could really use the support of close friends right now.”

We talk about the disease, but we rarely discuss how we got there. Then when things pop up, it’s like they came out of the blue…but even discontent has a birthday.

We shield ourselves behind the most smiley pictures and phrases we have. We keep up the illusion of 24/7 joy. We want Joy so badly. We want her to fill our hearts in every moment… In our hearts we feel this would be an ideal reality.

So in the cyber world we construct a design that allows us to do just that. Create an illusion. A place where every picture is funny, beautiful, or adorable. And status updates are smart, provocative and sometimes depressingly honest.

People think they know everything about us because they watch every video we post… but does every body read ever note in the notebook? Or do they just read the ones they are tagged in. Narcissism is the blindness that keeps us from seeing the truth between the lines and pictures.

For instance, I have left a hearty online trail of my angst, but I don’t think too many people read it. It is “depressing” and it has nothing to do with you….No tags.

It does have something to do with you, though. Do you ever feel pain or discontent? Then you may know what I am talking about, and you may realized you never admitted to yourself, your own struggle with it.

I don’t think you can harness that joy without first confronting and tackling the dark part that continues to pull your view from the light.

Personally, I only remember moments where I was happier than others. But few of them were consecutive. I have never had a phenomenal month of Joy.

My whole life has been a struggle with the dark side. Trace my writing back to it’s beginnings of child like journals and thoughts too big for the child writing in the journal.

October 17, 1995

I stare into this open abyss and for all I know, it’s nothing. Just a blank spot in the future, waiting to be filled.

But as time ticks on, pictures fill that black emptiness.

The pictures are vague and fuzzy at first. But they keep coming and they get more clear and focused.

My friends and family are there, but no one sticks out the most. I can’t think of their names and the faces are all too familiar.

I look on amazed and bewildered at this sight.

It is so real, but something is wrong, or maybe something is missing.

All of a sudden this picture passes quickly, soaring past my face. It brings tears to my eyes. It has hit a nerve.

No, it’s not right. You’re there.

But WHO exactly are you? A ghost? A spirit or a devil of some sort?

It is scaring me. I more I think about you, the less I know about myself.

It is so confusing.


Slow down. The pictures have stopped now and the tears have stopped.

I am alone once again staring into that open black abyss.

Still waiting to be filled once more.

I started out knowing myself but I left barely knowing who I am or where I belong.


I wrote that on page 63 of my first real journal started in January of 1993.

From the earliest point in time, that I can remember. I can recall feeling disassociated from my peers and my family. I have felt the struggle of loneliness creep deep with in me. I refuse to call it depression.

In my youth I had big dreams of doing big things, like acting in movies and sharing the TV screen with Comedy’s Greatest.

I thought, it would make me feel less lonely being around all of those other misfits that find themselves in the lime light. I am sure have the potential still, but I realize now that the only reason I REALLY wanted any sort of lime light at all, is because secretly I want to be better than “you and you and YOU.”

I still think about the mistreatment in my youth, the “third wheel Syndrome,” the taunts of being “weird,” or

“freak.” Not having friends to play with at recess and opting for picking up trash or grading papers for the teacher. Or maybe the lectures about how peers feel like I “talk down” to them. A feeling of not being able to do ANYTHING right, and the consequence being extreme dissatisfaction.

In my adulthood I get along better with plants and animals, small children and old people…. peers, eh peers still leave me a bit confused.

I can’t even figure out what I want out of myself, because for the longest time my only motivation was to be accepted by others, and when that didn’t work; I worked at being better than others. And when I realized that the conventional constructs of school and work pit us against one another anyway; to get better or more efficient production. I stepped out of the game.

I use to think I was going to take all the talents I have and do something AWESOME and AMAZING and worth RECOGNITION from all those people who were mean to me, or left me out. I would SHOW THEM I was more than just a freak with no shoes wearing thrift store throw backs.

Everyone wants to be somebody, someday. So I started on my adventure dead set against marriage and children so that I could do that thing that would blow every bodies mind, and make them wish they knew me better. That they had helped participate in making me SO EFFING GREAT.

I wanted you to have your babies and dream about MY life. To find envy in the freak you use to call some sort of obnoxious enigma.

My motivation to do and be better, never came from loving myself. It came from a place of proving to others that they should love me, and in turn, perhaps I could finally know what it was like to love myself.

If you say “Mandie, conjure up now, in your mind the feeling of love. The excitement of communion!”

I would honestly struggle. I have a hard time getting excited about things, I have had too many experiences of loose lips, sinking ships.

Most of the things I have gotten excited about, and mentioned to people in my life; have fallen through. Then I am left to the descriptions of failure, and stagnation.

Few people know these things about me.

I move around a lot. If I stay anywhere long enough people catch on that my perceived high energy is a rouse for how low I actually feel inside. I at times avoid communion with those who say they love me, to be alone or around strangers. I don’t want to bring others down, and secretly I want to talk my issue to death. I want to kill this feeling of detachment and replace it with love.

Despite it all, I continue to learn lessons, which I hope to pass on to others, and I do. However it does not console this void.

I wonder if everyone feels this way and just hides it from themselves by filling it with relationships and children and nice houses. Working the conventional ladder hoping one day it will all settle into that feeling of utter connectedness.

Honestly, I feel this struggle is our direct feeling of disconnect from Source. We miss the feeling of being connected to God or the Universe, the distractions from it are so plentiful. The possible connectors should be endless. I see the face of creation in the earth, and rarely does it bring a smile, mostly it exacerbates my desire to cry.

I don’t want to put on the happy face anymore. It isn’t real. I want to smile when I genuinely feel something worth smiling about. I have been more vocal about this feeling lately because it feels like it is getting out of control. I had friend I have known for about 5 years say, “Wow, I never knew that about you, I had no idea.” That’s because I am a fine actor.

You know that ball in the throat feeling you get just before you cry? Imagine feeling that to some degree every moment of every day for as long as you remember. That is just one ailment of this malady. I can’t remember a time with out it, therefore I can’t imagine not feeling it. Replacing it with a lightness. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if it just went away for a week…. if then I could possibly get a jump start on continuing on with lightness in my chest.

I have been ready for a life with out pain for a long time. In the mean time I try to connect as many dots as I can, to try and harness a way around it. I know that the first step is to be brutally honest with it. You can live a very creative and melancholy life, and get by, but there will always exist this self inflicted issue.

I think to myself, “If only I had people around me who constantly lift me up, and send along the encouragement that I give them. If only for a while it was all about me.”

And I have had spurts of that, but inevitably I push them away or isolate myself.

Someone with a stronger Ego could make this happen every day if they wished, but I excuse myself from imposing on anyone. And I complain to myself that “no one REALLY knows me.”

Relationships start and quickly end when I realize I have so much internalized detachment that I couldn’t possibly let some one try to love me. I have nothing really to give back, except the fear of being seen for what I really am; lost and confused, somewhat scattered, still after all these years.

Fiona Apple said it best “He knows I’m a mess, he don’t wanna clean up.”

I am trying to clean up my own mess, but the loneliness makes it easy to regress to places more familiar. Spaces of inferiority, spitting in the faces of authority, and refusing what is seen as “best for others.”

Ideally I work all this out, around loving people. Who can remind me of the best parts of myself when my focus turns inward to my failings. Ideally all that love starts a chain reaction of positive feeling that I can easily rope in again when I can’t find a friend to hold me.

I still have a hard time being touched. A stroke on the arm feels good physically, but emotionally it will open the flood gates, and at this time and place it is not appropriate for me to cry. That’s the problem, it is never an appropriate time. I need to go to Camp Cry and wallow for a month in my own tear bath.

Be careful when you touch me, I am fragility hidden behind the illusion of a brick wall.

And my brick wall, is starting to crumble.


My Essay on Personal Experience with Resting Bitchy Face: An Aching to Rise Above It All.

I want to say it has only been a recent thing… but if I did I would be lying. In fact, the only way I could justify it, MAYBE, is to blame in on the fact that people are basically bound to live longer, and so, what is 32 years? It’s recent enough, right? I mean in the BIGGER PICTURE. And geez, don’t get me started on potential past lives… so what is 32 years of certain denial.

Maybe you have seen the recent viral videos floating aboot, in regard to And perhaps the follow up cure “FaKing It”Sadly I am one of those women. I use to call it “The Melancholy Look’, but apparently was not so catchy in these days where things are far more generalized.

Let me tell you, I know this face. I have had this face since I was born. But, what those fake commercials are not telling you is that sometimes that look is, dare I say, warranted?

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I am “hating on you.” But… I may be silently dissecting your deciscions, words, and actions in a somewhat subconscious way… and quite frankly, most people don’t do it, like I would do it… sooooooooo.

There is a lot of room for interpretation and evaluation.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not obsessed with you. No, no, no. I am intrigued. I am absolutely astounded at how absolutely oblivious we both are toward one another, on a level which is quite extraordinary. Not because it is good, or bad…. but because, it MUST; at the end of the day, make us both think… I think.

And maybe that is my problem… I think too much.

But IS there SUCH a THING? No. I also know how to not think at all. I find that a healthy balance of both is nice.

This could also explain this face. When I look at you, like you might be empty confusion bubbling over like an unattended thought… er, pot. That perhaps I can no longer understand what it is you are talking about, because obviously the only thing you observe, is, my, lack, of…smile?

On the contrary! If any of you could step beyond my face and it’s unattended looks, you would find someone, who is really quite content with silence… but also fond of laughter. And perhaps those are my two extremes.

If we can not share in depth, than I will prefer to love you in silence. If that fails and all defaults to superficial emotional fluffing… I will resort to humor.

When my face looks highly critical and judgmental… it’s because SOMETIMES it IS.

I mean, come on, I am no stranger to conflict, weirdness, and my own emotional/hormonal swings. I assess everything from the stand point of a life guard, which by no coincidence was my first “real job.”

I am assessing the situation, to know how to react. And sometimes, my synapses get fried at the fact, I realize; I HAVE NO TRAINING IN THIS ARENA of the moment.

And it’s fine. I am adaptable… but adaptability doesn’t always come with a smile.

And MAYBE IT SHOULD… right? Good Service; Good Customer Service.

But, I am not your customer. And you are not mine.

We are just people, milling about a planet, trying to figure out “What the Fuck we are Doing Here.”

I refuse to take a pill called “FaKing It.”

I refuse to smile if it is not genuine. I am not here to appease anyone through my physical face and it’s potentially programmed reactions.

I am here because I am very much observing and participating in a process of human interaction which not only feels unfamiliar, but played out.

I won’t lie… sometimes I get VERY overwhelmed with anxiety and confusion. Just like so many other people, I am figuring out how to honor my own detachments and the path of others, in their journey to overcome their own obstacles.

It is hard not to be somewhat motherly, auntish, sisterly, daughterly; to some people… and so hard to display that for others.

I do not “love” soft. I love very, very “hard.”

My heart wants the best for ALL of YOU. Regardless of who you are. I want the best for your Highest and Best.

My face may hide the fact my heart aches, to share understanding with each and everyone of you… My face shows my distaste for fighting through the myriad of superficiality, wasting such precious energy on avoidance. When really; we want to dance in understanding.

My critical nature touches you. But do not be delusional in thinking I avoid such curtsies upon myself.

I want ALL of US to experience our best. I want ALL of US to walk in the understanding that our individual love can emanate far beyond the look on our face… because sometimes love isn’t sweet or charming. Sometimes love and adoration have to sit in the observation of the whole situation… and picking through the pieces is like concentrating on a puzzle.

We smile when we find the next piece. We smile when we finish and see the bigger picture… but the parts in the middle call to closer examination, and plateaus of frustration. These are valid as well.

I look forward to the natural exhilaration of finding the next piece; and in finishing the next puzzle… I look forward to the one after, I enjoy moments in between… I will think as I stand above it… I will think as I pull pieces and try them… I will continue to think when I am away… but I will smile when the small distractions show me; though I am away, which piece comes next, and how we both fit into the picture.