We did it again.
Started the summer amped for beach bodies and skinny dipping. Begging to be the best version of ourselves to date. The accessibility of self comparisons to past and present peers is in our faces, thanks to these social networking sites.
In a wave of collective consciousness each status update was a bold exclamation of “self improvement.” The hankering to be lighter, thinner. Somehow perhaps even more spiritually permeable?
We jumped in together, two months ago. Into the diets, exercise and fasting that seem to be a staple response these days to the warmer months. And why not with all those products on the market promising that everyday people can look like stars.
A test: of will power and a change of habits built strong over winter. Habits and attitudes packed tightly into the pounds of fat we tuck away for winter storage. Proving self mutilization to be a bigger predicament world wide than the media would let on. Addictions to stimulants, foods, pain, war and sickness, all wrapped tightly into a comfortable coat we call discouragement.
Our bodies scream to break free, our minds agree; and yet the will broken by time, lags in response. Perhaps the first week or two is easiest. Emotion and determination are fuel for the fire. Jump started metabolisms eased on by early morning runs, walks with loved ones and friends; realization the discouragement coat is too tight… Pushing the limits hard and fast, ultimately leaving a lot of us, some how empty. Emotionally undernourished, physically over-worked, and attacking this whole thing in a very bassakwards way.
Two months down the road; the push of new beginnings finds you looking at a pile of empty beer cans, the question of how the first two weeks could change so quickly and again wondering how you could eat that much cheese.
We feel it together. There is something happening to us as humans seeking deeper communion with ourselves, and one another. An aching so strong we literally want to shed our skin. To tear off the weight of centuries of oppression. We are reaching out in ways new to this world. And still, it is easier to get sucked into this vicarious way of living, checking up on one another just so we can build ourselves up by condemning others. Remembering vividly the pain of youth and holding those who hurt us: once upon a time; responsible even years later.
You told me I was ugly twenty years ago, why do I still hold you responsible. Have I blamed you for so long I have indeed become ugly?
Are we packing all this old baggage in our fat? All the old harbored feelings left unaddressed? The pain and the blame of childhood days now just lingering in the struggle to be better? Inside something doesn’t fell right. We would rather starve ourselves to look better in hopes of feeling more acceptance and deprive the body of personal work to achieve what would be considered an ideal quick cure. We want a cure; instant gratification style. We do not want to slow down to get there. To look too deep into painful waters, to see our own reflection in the common struggle that acts like a wave.
It isn’t easy to look back at comments made by our peers, to take back the blame and become responsible for our personal actions of today.
You may have told me I was ugly, but I was the one who listened, I allowed myself to believe you, too weak to believe in myself. No one forced me. It is me who relives those things on a daily basis to prove you right, because somewhere down the line I didn’t believe I could be worthy of being more than your projection. I couldn’t believe I had anything valid to offer. Externally if there was a consensus of no beauty then internally it must be just as flawed. My fear that everyone felt about me, the way you did, kept me from testing that theory for truth. Instead I created a buffer between me and society. Obviously a buffer built of fat and sadness. The fastest way to alienation in a superficial society is to become a less than optimal aesthetic of yourself. To physically hide behind pain in full view of others. The sensitive are prone to this path.
I don’t even remember your name now, just the horrible things you said that I took for facts. Some where at the back of my mind it’s given me excuses for over consumption of food and drink. I took it into account in every situation where I felt like the underdog.
Quietly confirming this lack of worth. You were never a friend, and never pretended to be; why your words would mean so much to me is hard to perceive. Left only with the reminders of how I have taken your view and made it my own.
You stood for popularity, the one who is liked even though it comes at the sake of others. You could say mean things and they would be taken like sacred relics by your cronies. I could speak truth for the sake of balance and be ignored. Anything you wanted was yours with a word or seemingly so. I have worked very hard for my place in existence, though humble it may be.
I have hung in the background watching the dynamics. I have seen your type come and go, blowing down mountains along the way, always taking the violent road to get to the top. All along, you have a similar pain, and are probably taking it out on yourself in solitude. I have examined this mind and heart, this intention of soul asking whose Truth I have really been living. And at times it is my own; the positive, ambitious, kind and brave attitude that prevails..
Through the ability to self motivate and observe, I see this fear does not serve me, this pain is only a ball and chain, that this buffer of old trauma is no longer my Truth. I am ready to strengthen my will, I am happy to do the work, and I am strong enough to become a better version of myself than has ever existed. I have seen my own personal ability to change. It takes time, and time gets shorter. I must use it wisely, to push harder when it is appropriate. Betterment with out forsaking the Self and the Selves of others, it is always appropriate. Life is rarely instant gratification, and those things that are, prove to be just as fleeting.
The work of change isn’t a month long diet. It’s an adjustment of attitudes and a life long shift that ebbs and flows but never goes away. It realizes that “I am He, as You are Me, and We are all Together.”
This isn’t a time for us to feel condemned to alienation through a pain we all feel. This is a new season where the old adage “Sharing is caring” rings true. Pieces of me, are pieces of you.
In the words of that famous writer Anonymous..” Remember in order to change your life… First; YOU must change, otherwise nothing else will. If you continue to do things as you have always done them, your life will remain the same.”
Let us tear into the layers of our soul and pull back the skin of our fear in order for the best parts of us to show, and for the fragile parts to find communion and healing.
We are not in this alone, we never were. First you must change your mind, and live another way. Open your eyes to new perceptions. We change the world we live in by first becoming righteous examples of the love, life and humor we wish to see in our reality.
The rest is just daily reminders to stay aware and flexible, not an easy task for someone weighed down by outdated modes of thinking.
Shed old thoughts that no longer serve like useless weight on a long trek. Take only what you really need, leave the rest behind. Only those who have made room for the new discoveries ahead will be allowed to partake in what will be offered. Out with the old, in with the new; and be prepared to discover who you really are. What your soul aches to be, the reason it took you so long to see it before. Be prepared to see a bigger picture, not just the microcosm of your personal existence. The interplay of lives that surround you; the affects and effects of moving up in vibration. Be brave, it is not for the faint of heart.