I spent part of my life wanting to die; after overcoming that, I spent another chunk of life thinking that maybe I was meant for something special.  In most recent years, I’ve wondered what life might be like if I just, disappeared.  Would I be missed, and if so, why? Why would I contemplate that… why would I care?

Our lives are a patchwork of personal experience and observation; we imagine the world revolves around us even when we actively revolve ourselves around each other.  That patchwork is a tangle of strings connecting you to other things and people.   Those people touched by you, have their own story; their own observations of you.  Sometimes we are but characters to one another.

The first part of our life, if it is healthy, means lots of attention.  Lots of love and reassurance, safety. Communication of basic needs.

Not everyone is blessed with such golden beginnings.

The next part of life is learning some detachment, basic independence. Wobbly steps and all.  Testing boundaries, taking unforeseen risks and experimenting with defiance.  It is the step where we begin having a conscious reaction to our likes and dislikes.  It is a time of either stepping forward, or falling back.

The following stage is definition.  A conscious realization of our uniqueness and our separation.  It is like the naming of plants and animals into genus and species. We begin to notice the differences in ourselves and others.  This can be a hard step for some; tragic even.  It’s a lonely time of contemplation. It can last an undetermined amount of time. Jealousy can arise during this phase.

Those without golden beginnings seem to fall harder during this recycling phase. They don’t always recognize their support systems, if they have any at all.  It is a stage that demands some sort of triumph.  Early triumphs can set the tone for future returns of this cycle.  Early feelings of failure during this cycle are apt to repeat until the outcomes change.  IF and WHEN those out comes change, most likely they will be questioned and dismissed as luck.

After separation, there comes a stage of reconciliation and understanding of what can, and cannot be changed.  That comprehension is not unilateral in its comprehension and holds strong ties to how we interact with the varied world around us, ultimately it too revolves around either the feeling of support, or the feeling of dismissal or isolation.

Adaptation, or rebellion?  Neither is inherently “good” or “bad.”  Each has it’s place in each individual experience and circumstance, but it always seems to repeat itself over time, in similar ways, in different expressions.

Do you join, or isolate?  Why?

“Is there something wrong with me?”

This phase is somewhat warped in our modern world, because society has deemed it necessary to create a supposed fix or a solution to any perceivable malady.  We aren’t currently encouraged to think things through for ourselves, or to observe common themes and outcomes.  Google is popular because everyone has a bunch of questions looking for an answer, but it’s scary to talk to eachother.

And this is the juncture of splits.

In a world where someone is always trying to come up with a magic-pill-quick-fix, it can be really frustrating just sitting  silently with things, as they are; especially when we are constantly bombarded with reasons to be less than accepting of ourselves, “as-is”.

At a certain point you may not have a mom telling you, “I love you, just the way you are!” during your “darkest hour.”

In the most recent phase of my life, “wanting to disappear”; it’s been about a losing battle in a world, I really don’t want to live in.  I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live here, anymore.  When I sit in my silence, I am fine being here and alone.  I am not burdened by what I am not, but I am burdened by the knowing that when I come back, I will feel the pressure of trying to be whatever it is the world  wants to make me believe I want to be. I am sick of the fight.  Can you really  “love yourself the way you are” while simultaneously trying to be something different or better?  Do you see the conflict of interests here?

There was a point in my life when I didn’t contemplate these things.  It was childhood, and I was primarily contemplating death.  Look how far I’ve come.

I’ve been drained of my basic egotistical passions and I am fine, not being ignited; that is, until I turn back to the world that tells me I need to “dig deep, find (or, reignite) that passion, brand it and sell it.”

I simply don’t want to.

I see no reason to, and frankly, the idea disgusts me.

I just want some good friends who will accept me, and share themselves honestly.

A long time ago, somewhere in the dusty archives of the 90’s, I wrote in my journal that “I don’t ever want to be a sales person because most products aren’t worth selling.  A great product doesn’t need a sales person, the product will sell itself.”

In our modern society, it has been revealed that “You are the product, and the best sales person for the job, is YOU!”

Hmmm… imagine cows selling themselves on the auction stand for slaughter, or maybe a slave trying to sell themselves to the highest bidder…. see what I am saying?  It’s gross, but it is the truth of the time and place we live in, AND it’s completely encouraged!

I really don’t want the job.  I really don’t feel like making myself a commodity, essentially depersonalizing myself from myself, for others.  In the end no matter how hard you try to match your “public” persona, eventually the facade cracks.  Why this is a desirable path, and main stream, makes no sense to me… anymore.

Once upon a time in the phase of thinking I was some splendorific gift to the world, I thought that if I could capitalize on whatever talent I inherently had, it would equal money and attention, perhaps bragging rights to all those people who were mean to me, way back when.  Then, I would finally have worth, and be worthy.

Closely observing Life, gave me a slap to the face in regard to what is what, what it is we (think) we really want, and the subtle nuance of the various programs we can choose to follow.  I didn’t like what I saw, and honestly I didn’t want to participate with it, despite how necessary everyone thinks it is.

I’m told that this reaction is because I have a negative relationship and view of money, “a lack mindset”; to which I thoroughly disagree.  I think that those who impress that mentality on others, have their own (unrealized) negative relationship with reality, and perhaps should do some research.

I am told that “perhaps it is because you are jealous of what others have.”  Uhm, no; when you no longer “want” anything but solace in the world, material gain has no worth in desire.

I didn’t get here by mindless meditation… I got here with sincere research and contemplation.  Technically, I am exactly at a certain peace and understanding that “seekers” are seeking but going about in the exact opposite way.  My desire to disappear, is a desire to not be tied to the fuckery that we call normal.

I believe and have faith that “everything will work out in the end”, even if  it happens after, and without me, in a way that I can’t even fathom.  (Which is fine and most likely the case.)

I’ve thought about the mark I would like to leave on the world, and to a certain degree, part of me wants to “leave no trace.”  To be fully consumed to some degree, leaving nothing but fertile ground to plant upon… or, something.

My passion( though I said I have none, if I was to pick something I care about deeply)  is individuals.  For which I care for only a few, and deeply.  And for whatever reason I think it matters just as deeply.

I don’t think they “need me”, but what I do gather, is I offer something personally that is unique and at times vital.

Being thirty-seven, with no family of my own, and no prospects of the future, is almost dangerously freeing.  I feel untangled from the outcomes of those I love.  I will simply love from afar until needed; all out of a need to release myself from their outcomes.  I don’t want to manipulate anyone, I know my opinions can be powerful, and since I am not omniscient, I no longer want to manipulate much effect in others. ( I know I have a tendency to stir the pot without trying just out of pure and innocent inquisition.)  I am fine watching from the outside looking in.  It accompanies my loneliness, a fine enough companion for now.

I feel observant and somewhat reconciled, even if I still have cringe worthy moments that pop up when I feel the pain and mistakes of others, on their path.  Good ole Observation and Loneliness have extremely animated conversations, as you might imagine.

Within reconciliation, there are many questions and potential conversations to be had, yet  no one to have them with because the answers are unique to the individual asking.  And the individual asking, has the answers inside, somewhere.

I can’t put a poll on Facebook and rely on the answers of others, and how dare they put in a vote at all if I did?  Why would anyone feel bold enough to TELL someone else how to live with any true certainty?  Seems presumptuous and egomaniacal to think you know better.

But if you feel inclined, please put your suggestions in the Suggestion Box.

In this place of fading, I’ve found it best to remove myself from the perceived investment of intel or advice.  Each person will make hundreds of their own decisions in a day, any one of them could be fatal.  “What works for the goose, doesn’t always work for the Gander.” (Which I think may be relating to fowl penis’ and the fact that female ducks have a pretty gnarly maze when it comes to their reproductive systems, and Ganders have a cork screw penis?  I don’t know, my recollection may be failing…. it might be worth some extra research.)

At some point, we all wish for some submission.

“Why do you try so hard?”

“Don’t you ever take a break?”

Maybe it comes as a relief to simply not have to decide what or where to eat,  maybe it’s more profound, like infertility.  Sometimes, we want to submit to Life because none of our conscious decisions pan out as planned. Certain personality types will consider this “giving up.”

“Only dead fish go with the flow.”

Not true.  Every animal seeks a way to conserve energy when they are on a mission.  Humans are constantly trying to figure out how to make more of their time with less work.  “Work smarter, not harder.”

“I got a smart phone!”

Everything in the natural world has a flow, why would it be that, the phrase about dead fish became a pervasive and popular idiom?

The “push” and “momentum” of our modern world, wants to make it seem like “sitting still”  or “going with the flow” while thinking, is, well…useless.  But somehow, someway, sitting still and “shutting off the mind” is progressive.

Do you think a fish that goes with the flow, has its eyes closed?  Heck no, they are navigating the flow they exist within, they are paying attention.

Do you want to know when and where I don’t actively think?  It happens when I am in and grounded by Nature.   My body totally goes into an inexplicable survival mode.  Even if I want to purposely ponder, I can’t.  My senses get so filled up, that my desire to ponder is absolutely absolved by my present attentiveness.  It’s a raw state of awareness that immediately takes all things into account.  Frivolity of mind is meaningless.  Imagination still exists, but no props are needed.  Everything is resource, and Source.

These days, not in Nature, I still slip into those natural modes.  Content that it can all be taken away  in a moment and secure in the knowing I would still be able to “make-do” with the resource that is myself and whatever comes into my periphery.  This is still sort of a lonely place to be because it is very hard to articulate, therefore also hard to understand or support.  It is kind of like being dead and alive at the same time, like being above it, watching the cycles turn over themselves, recycling and transforming, evolving, despite the part of the natural cycle that includes death… yet another piece our modern society looks to abolish.

See, there is death in every chapter of every cycle.  A part of you dies in step one, if you do not receive the love and safety early on; that beginning safety net that humans need in their borne vulnerability.   And even if you do get the love and safety, there is still a death of that dependence, the moment you realize you are separate.

“Le Petite Mort”~ The Small Death, is daily.

Between the death of cells,  the loss of hair, and the changing of the seasons; it is a fantastic thing that Nature isn’t a hoarder.  Why would we ever look to improve such a spectacular display of cyclical balance?  Oh wait… we aren’t nomadic, and we’ve been force fed the pipe dream of permanence.

I was going to post  a link to blog that I agreed with 99%,  in regard to “only dead fish go with the flow.”  Two sentences toward the end caught me up, because inherently I saw something untrue;

“ If everything in this universe decided to change its ability to go with the universal flow, one would live in utter chaos. Those times are called natural disasters leading to calamities and destruction. “

“Chaos”, etymologically speaking mean “void” or “abyss, gaping wide space.”  To me, chaos doesn’t sound like such a bad thing.  So, in this quoted statement, if all things simultaneously went against Universal flow, we would have nothing.  And if it all changed directions together, it would still be Universal, and therefore still in Universal Flow.    So it seems to me, that there is either something, or nothing, either way, if it is indeed with Universal Flow, then it is still Universal Flow.

The next sentence used the words; “natural” “disasters”, “calamities” and “destruction”; all of which, for me, conjure up connections to man-made disturbances.  See, Nature runs fine without humans.  Without humans, Natures cyclical clearing process isn’t seen as a disaster.  It’s just Nature, doing Nature stuff.  Nature obviously doesn’t need humans in order to survive, thrive, change, adapt and evolve; despite how dead set our modern society is on “trying to improve it” or “better understand and harness the power” of it.

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Another modern trope is that we are all broken, and we need fixin’.  The world is broken, Nature is broken, the family is broken, and you and all your cute lil babies are broken.

We are always looking for  quick and easy solutions to basically nonexistent or over dramatized problems.

Some people still believe you can buy love, perfection, and the perfect frying pan, in one package.

“For just 100 million easy payments of $9.99, you can bring more ease and understanding into your life.  Win friends and influence people all while having a sparkling clean toilet…. We will clear up those 99 problems, because You Aren’t One.”

Do You know what you are told isn’t broken?  Government isn’t broken, Capitalization and Commercialism aren’t broken.  And if you think they are, it just reasserts how broken you appear to be to others.

Oops, don’t let anyone know how broken you might be, you just landed on the “Rock Bottom Start”; build yourself up publicly and use those down falls as a way to increase your monetary income! (Value not included in the basic package.)

The best part of rock bottom, is the knowing that once you realize you are there, there is always someone lower down in the pit than you!  (Ten bonus points for helping the other person up!  Twenty bonus points for lifting them up and then dropping them down!)

What a joke. Hand me another sponsorship patch.

You aren’t anything if you aren’t sponsored or sponsoring something these days…

Oh, Okay, so going back to that fork in the road, that happens, to some… the part about reconciling… well how do you do it, and where do you go?

One way, is to find a way to be refolded into “a” fold.

Get a hobby; a passion, a career, a club, a sport, a religion, a book club, a charity, a favorite program, a schedule.  Try and make sure you can get a title to brag about while doing it.  If there are no titles, make up one… and if all else fail, maybe start a family just so you can break it.

I don’t know, just “GET INVOLVED”.

Take your mind off the fact you may be a downright shitty human, and at least give half an effort to something somewhat meaningful outside of yourself.  (You can justify your short comings later, when it is relevant to self preservation.  Secretly hope no one takes you to court.)

I don’t think current definitions of meditation tells you these things.  (Mind you, the etymology of “meditation” means “contemplation; devout preoccupation; devotions, prayer, a thinking over, meditation,” )

Meditation at it’s root, is quite active and not at all the passive activity it is portrayed to be. I think that observing the world and yourself, with some critical self reflection shows you these things. Perhaps what I call “observing and interacting with life” is what some now categorize as “active meditation.” And let’s face it, it isn’t silent and still if you are willing to take that route.

Meditation as it is defined today, almost seems to me, counter-intuitive self denial.  “Shut yourself up for an hour and sit still fighting that.”  People proclaim to have some heady epiphanies in that state, but I’ve yet to encounter an idea that someone got in meditation that I haven’t yet pondered six ways to Sunday,consciously…. so what is it about shutting up the mind, or controlling the awareness that is some fast track to…”consciousness”.

The etymology of “consciousness” literally means “internal knowledge.”  Hmmmm.  Like, the KNOWING is literally inside of you… It doesn’t say anything about having to be quiet to hear it, see it or notice it.   It doesn’t say that it can be bought, sold or traded. (Side note, this word wasn’t even used until the 1630’s.)

Coincidentally, about 30 years after the word “consciousness” started circulating, the word “enlightenment” came into play.  It etymologically means “to remove the dimness or blindness”, but by the 1660’s was re-purposed to more specifically mean “supply with intellectual light.”

Hmmm…. so people pay for enlightenment, like a light bill!?!?!  Ohhh, I get it, “it’s a voluntary service!”  You can’t have it unless you are willing to pay the toll.

So, what you are telling me, is there are a bunch of self proclaimed Guru’s, Shaman, and Life Coaches out there…. trying to sell “Consciousness”  and “Enlightenment” to the masses, when “consciousness” LITERALLY MEANS “INTERNAL KNOWLEDGE” and “Enlightenment” means to “Supply with INTELLECTUAL LIGHT”, but they want you to sit still and be MINDLESS and PAY for this process?

Seems legit.

I swear to God, what tree are you eating from?

Smack my ever loving head.

THIS is what I get for thinking for myself and stepping outside the world to watch!

These days, these aforementioned words are handed out like candy with a card attached exclaiming “Get Woke!”  The sad matter is, few know what intuition means while they scramble for new age answers and bandy about their experiences in trade for cash within this cesspool of sales pitches.

People are in survival mode, no doubt, but it is a survival program built of self doubt, justification and simplistically selling out on the easy route.

No wonder it is seen as a bad thing to go with the natural flow, fighting the upstream battle of this psychological fodder.

Let me illuminate you, or enlighten you about what it means to “intuit” information; “insight, direct or immediate cognition, spiritual perception,” originally theological, from Late Latin intuitionem (nominative intuitio) “a looking at, consideration,”

The mind can be busy and still be imaginative and intuitive; it can multitask enlightenment while being in meditation.  But don’t believe me or everything people tell you, and don’t believe everything you read on the internet.

Listen to yourself.  Research your questions, and use your internal guidance system (IGS) to disseminate what is real…

Admittedly, I’ve chosen to submit, and go with the flow; watching what happens, stepping in when needed.  I’m not sure yet if it is a blessing or a curse that I can see a train-wreck from a million miles away, but either way, I will willing assist with the clean up.

I am a servant to humanity.

Did you know that the etymology of servant relates to “foot soldier, personal attendant.”

Sometimes it feels like that in the battle of life.  I stand by in times of trouble. I serve where I am needed.  I could capitalize on this, but I won’t.