Growing pains still remain

When did I enter, consciously into this consciousness? This mess of thought forms and emotions ever growing in this whirlwind binding spell called life. Seeing the many lines of writers fall into more than one head and still heading in another direction. How many times have I seen the same lesson taught to millions through a common thread and dissimilar theme… all just beaming with brilliance and knowledge. I have found myself in a cloud of confusion where the only answers lie on a horizon higher than I know,and yet, as I said still growing. I have found myself at the precipice of a newness that cries for some sort of guidance, and still, knowingly I still lack some sort of reliance in myself. I attempt to help others,I won’t help myself and yet help is all I seek. Craving it silently and selfishly, seeing your reflection in me and, helplessly I find myself.I have a talent for self judgment, self reliant, self defiant, self seclusion. I hide in places like small mountain towns shining with my own exclusion, because the hermit card has fallen so many times from the deck that I chose not to regret that at times I forget what it is like to be human, to live in this skin that holds memories and feelings I know I need to transcend. So I take the journey and try to train my mind, rework my heart, admit I can not rewind though at times I admit it must be easier than it is to just exist in in this semi-resistant state of existence. When admiration comes knocking, I find myself blocking the attack, bringing myself back to loathing

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