I talked with my father the other day and he made comment of question to why his children act in such a display to take the “hard way”
And I rambled a bit in a way of a feminist- but the deeper truth existist in the fact that this world is radically different than it was in 1976; 1986, 1996, 2006, 2016
Do we really comprehend the leaps and bounds things have made while staying the same over such a long time frame?
Shortened always by the claim “nothing ever changes”-
Meanwhile your children grow older, the weather changes, technology begs us to capture every moment for a cloud we will never ride upon
Can you see that it is very hard to change things that change in slight motion under the tangible range? They say, “get involved with the politics” but those same dicks are the ones that complicate process we have the ability to deal with by our own well knowing- and they beat us down vs encouraging some growing that says “Yes, I comprehend personal responcibility”
What, are we actually doing? It appears the discard ability of humanity and life in general has some hip political stance, like we have rebranded genocide, but the poor people meant to have no pride are the first to go.
Why is poverty demonized? Why are jobs that matter with no big coorporate boss put to pasture? Why do the people who say they love us have laughter when we try to beat a system that wants to drown us all?
It feels emergent, emergency- like you, like me, want to be more than these left over dregs of Flotsam and Jetsam – the reality we wish to see is no longer a joking matter
There are people preparing to literally dig their own graves because the wonder of something better has been drained from their hemoglobin and they’d rather leave their legacy to fertilizing trees and flowers
My reflection walked through the door at the ripe age of almost seven and a half- she runs into greet me, but this time we don’t embrace right away because her senses are sensing me out-
Am I safe here?
And I sit with a smile, and a “Hey girl, hey, how ya doin'”
And she doesn’t answer but reflects back that question in a different way… “What are you doing?”
The answer is abstract, “I’ve been working on things- would you like to see what I am doing, working on?”
A gentleness sets in with the curious “yes.”
So I show her how hard it is to get the fur right, on Capricious the cat who is complex. I show her where my struggles exist properly portraying the nose.
I ask if she wants to see the one sketch book I know is meant for her because I was able to cut off criticism and ownership, to allow her to draw on the first page
Oh, help me- this is a book not a quarter finished and it is the most esoteric of my papers- mostly I bleed on the pages, metaphorically as I loose those last remaining eggs captured in my abdomen that I kept from procreating
She sees familiarity, even expressions of creative will when it comes to honoring the Nana and Papa-
Her hand was in that book- my hands will keep creating when the time suits- and someday, it’s for her too look back on in a remembering of care, creativity- unconventional and unique- just like her
I see this child has anger she doesn’t know how to express or articulate
I was there once, twice, three times two and again in spurts
I recognize those hurts spoken in another language, again and again- reminicent
She isn’t alone, it isn’t “bad” to be angry- it’s a life struggle to learn to tame it, know it, control it, be with it and breathe it out
So she wanted to control the wind- and I told her I already know how, and bonus- I know how to talk to clouds
So I ask, is today a day to build clouds or bust them?
Build them she says- I say that means the storm is coming in- and she isn’t afraid
Unknowing to her in the last days Rain and I have been talking about regulation of expression because Rain is just pain expressed, especially when the third wheel to lightening and thunder
So we covered the sun with clouds and watched the sky darken- and then we tossed the ball back and forth- acknowledging that too much force, misdirected can cause pain- so awareness has it’s gains
We take a lap when we are angry, we beat our fist into the leather mit, meant to capture the ball- we find a way to express without purposeful abraision-
Peace creeps in, but it needs patience and work- but the seed is there and I see how connection has many outlets- not all are my favorite, but I am willing to compromise so that she can get what she needs at a time she feels so unseen
I’ve been having consistent conversations with rain, and wind- –
It definitely started with the rain, or lack thereof or the over abundance in certain places- and then I think about storm chasers, just waiting for another hit of adrenaline
Rain though, has such nuance- people always complain that it’s not enough or too much- the whole time denying that they might have something to do with the duration and intensity of its output
See, you and me exist mostly of water and mitochondria and compressed ZIP files we call DNA, and our adaptability has led us to Earth zones that may not be the best environment for our best expression yet
Here we are, wherever we are- dealing with the Elements
My heart never felt the desert because I adore water so much it hurts
Like should I drink her, conserve her, or disregard the thoughts that say “it’s okay to dehydrate as if you are a cactus easily revived by a five minute down spout? Maybe some old man watering you down once a month?”
I started to look back to times when it rained almost cinematically- the timing, so on time. And thus far it’s been fine unless someone else defines how unrefined that expression plays out.
I think rain is a representation of pleasure and pain. It is the barometer of what we have to lose or gain- and just asking for it to refrain will only pain you more- mostly because you see water from the sky as separate from you- not a collective expression of you and you, and you and you.
So as I have been talking to the sky, that holds the rain in a cute clouds that at times get together with a push from temperature- I see it capturing our pain. Our silent tears, our exhausted sighs, our deep night sweats fueled by incongruence- and I would categorize that as pain.
Human suffering, the great undoing of what binds us up inside.
We are water, we breathed out so that it is collected above us and it’s like it’s collecting in places that need a cleaning but not a flood.
So when I call in the rain, when I speak to her duty- I say take the pain for transmuting. Then send it down reasonably- we don’t need too much- just enough. Go above the places that need it most.
I clap, I sing for the greenery and the animals that may also be dehydrated. I roar with the Thunder and encourage her to raise her voice for those who can’t.
I make songs for the rain so that she feels welcome to self regulate in good company.
She tells me to thank you for allowing her into your space, to take the evaporate of your tears and breath, to transmute them into new life. She knows that she needs to regulate more, so she is calling for other nodes to see her consciousness and to engage it.
She is open to direction, she has learned many lessons over time by having no guide lines.
She laughed when I said “I think I might be able to manipulate weather.” Mostly because she already knew we all have some degree of ability to do that, but most are too distracted to hone in on the skill. They only want to call into request when something is personally dire and upsetting on a deadline.
I totally get that.
So I just call her in- no dance- no show-
Like calling a friend on the phone.
“”Hey babe- I got the feeling you are feeling kind of heavy right now- can I help you disperse this in a healthy way?”
She wants help, because everything she takes on was yours to begin with, and accountability is foreign but needed in her realm.
You know how in written Spanish, there is the upside-down question mark that appears before a written question, and is then finished with an upright question mark? It is simply called an inverted question mark, because statements and questions in Spanish are incredibly similar in structure. It is a pre-emptive demarcation to trigger your mind to know a question is being posed before it is articulated. It is then reinforced at the end of the articulation with a “normal” question mark.
Today I woke up angry- unnecessarily so, in my opinion. So it begged the question as to “why?”
There is nothing wrong with me, and most days I just wake up numb, asking the rhetorical question “This again?” And I only ponder for a moment how many people worldwide who wake up feeling that way. I avoid the ponderance of how many people jump up out of bed, excited to meet the day with open arms and a spring in their step. I’d appreciate accurate numbers if I was to pursue that data at all, and the sad reality is most people aren’t honest enough with themselves to admit, they are more likely feeling numb, angry or foreboding upon opening their eyes.
There is a sense of dread for many people- a desire to hunker down , pull the blanket over their head and go back to sleep. I get it- for many it is hard to have something positive to wake up to, something to live for. This is a byproduct of slowly watching the world continue to spin in predictable, unpredictability. To have to walk through the daily contradiction.
I wish I was a “Happy to jump out of bed person,” but I’m not. I waffle in a space where I am somewhat numb and ambivalent, or like today- angry at nothing discernable. The anger like this is rare- which tells me it isn’t 100% belonging to me. It’s a collective anger, and I am standing in its coronal shadow of ignorance; which then brings me personal anger because I want the data. I want the tea- I want the details and the specifics and if those are being withheld, I am at the mercy of interpretation of vibration and frequency.
I am very attuned to Stress as a vibrational frequency. Stress and I go way, way back in time. She sure is a finicky rascal who often times has a hard job of articulation and clarity.
I had the joy of sharing with my dad, these feelings and I discussed how this is the feeling before a civil upheaval. I made mention that it starts in the home and goes close to home, neighbor against neighbor.
It felt as though I was feeling a dozen angers individually, attached by the same crate. Unified as a stack, a unit, a collection. All are eggs, all came from the same variety of chickens off the same farm- and all of them want to be thrown at someone or something. I know it’s a weird metaphor, but it’s the visual that came up when I was first trying to articulate this to myself, in order to get to the cash crop of this mental aberration.
Today, everyone feels like an idiot- including myself, to one degree or another. We have been a collective set of idiots, trusting other idiots for truth and well meaning.
What really came in, was the service minded, service attitude of heart-people. They take the brunt so often and rarely get a break because they are, dare I say: busy bodies. They are always open to being a helper, even to their own detriment. I know this because I’ve done it, and there is no work/life balance there- it’s just help until you run yourself ragged, collapse, deny you need a break and jump right back in.
The energy bucket diminishes slowly, but surely.
Helper people break their own backs, and often they refuse the rest they need while also having a hard go of just enjoying the time they actually have to recalibrate because the philosophy is “go, go, go! Do, do, do! I’ll stop when I am dead.” Actively avoiding the opportunities, they may get interim to stop and smell the proverbial roses and clap themselves on the back for a job well done.
Helping can become an addiction, and not in a good way when it comes to self-sustaining energy. When helpers crash- they crash hard.
As my day moved on and I moved through my emotions and settled in the weird internal world that I have so carefully cultivated- the home dynamics shifted as I went inside to take a carefully cultivated shit.
The moment I walked through the door, the energy was screaming “FRENETIC!”
This is a sign to me that there is unspoken stress. As I go through therapy and try to untangle myself from the emotions around me, I fight the story line that I am the problem, and I am the reason for this vibratory change. When I use my eyes and ears, it’s very clear this isn’t about me. I am observing something that I am close to but cannot currently touch.
I asked one simple question with a curious smile- and received a short answer, a sharp look and pursed lips. It wasn’t the time to discuss this with me. So, I mirrored the look as a reception that I got the context and made a silent exit stage left.
It’s fine that I don’t get all the piping hot tea in the heat of the moment- but my curiosity is equally burning. I have a feeling, I know what’s up, kind of- but I want confirmation in words. I have to keep self-awareness to not slip into speculation- which is hard to do.
Here is what I will say in regard to my ability to sense vibrational shifts, which may be useful; my awareness of connection is multi-dimensional. Sometimes it is directly connected to those I am related to, and sometimes it is because it is a collective feeling many people across the world are feeling in tandem.
When I woke up with the anger feeling I knew it wasn’t 100% mine, it was relational and collective.
It is said that vibrational sensitivity is connected to trauma and self-preservation for survival. It becomes attuned so that the vulnerable can preserve their safety. The body awareness shifts into overdrive because things are not being directly communicated or articulated.
Vulnerable people are often kept in ignorance because they are not seen or perceived to be strong enough to “handle the truth.”
This is very strange because vulnerable people are often times the first to learn how to cope and read information via vibration and things left unsaid. They sense discomfort coming on the horizon, so they adapt accordingly to maintain that safety and self-preservation. So, in many respects they are actually very mentally strong and adaptable in that way of their perception. Often times, they don’t feel socially allowed to speak to that strength.
Personally, I want that knowing because I am a problem solver. I want that articulate communication so I can discern if it is a vibration I need to hold space for, realizing it isn’t mine, so I can creatively transmute it with intuition and awareness.
Regardless, whatever happened today, did not happen to me, directly. It did directly affect my energy, and sometimes I have to fight the idea that people play me for the fool versus utilizing my strengths to benefit us all with solutions that are often times overlooked, ignored or scoffed at.
ME: “Let’s find solutions together with our various experiences and personal diversity!”
THE WORLD: “Bad idea. Let’s do it the way it has always been done.”
It’s wild.
Either way it was nice to get this off my chest, and to work it through in various ways. I wrote in my journal, I re-examined it here, which will lead me to create a visual art piece to assimilate it all together in a transmutation.
Tomorrow will be a new day, a different profile of emotions and new information. I take it as it comes and use it for the best- that’s the best I can do.
¿Maybe, tomorrow I won’t wake up with an inverted question mark?
What are the three things we need beyond the visible, consumable spectrum?
It is clear that we already have struggles with food, water and shelter, if left under the umbrella of status quo– “What the governments says, goes.”
So perhaps it is time to remind you of the three things the government was designed under the guise of– Of the people and for the people, who continued to have the fleece pulled over their eyes. Believing that the system was designed with righteous things in mind– such as Integrity.
Integrity speaks to blameless, correct purity.
We the people find ourselves asking “Can they represent that Integrity with transparency; which etymologically means “Pervasive to light”? The light this community continues to shines with? Can you see that we see through you?
This leads us directly to positions you play as Authority, which under Transparency would lead this to be an Authentic City, which the elected neglect as they sit outside of alignment with their constituents.
Authentic is to represent acceptance as true and correct; clear, concise and visible without clouds or clots.
Integrity, Authenticity and Transparency– these three words we use get lost in the mix of politics. Used as campaign slogans, abstractly aligning with hypothetical virtues.
So for the manipulators lets bring a defense on definition. Some of which maybe more properly aligned with the Devil’s dictionary. I say this with no religious fervor, only to express the true desire of the human to exist, unencumbered and able to pursue that which their soul cries for-
Freedom to choose more than a brand, an alliance or a sacrificial lamb.
The freedom to self investigate, unencumbered by lies and rhetoric-
The freedom to be more than the prototype for the next robotic influx
Law is about language and how it is used– mostly against us, The People who help sustain these constructs via ignorance.
It becomes more evident daily, that the systems we rely on have been used in perpetuity against the everyday human who seeks only to live and let live– who have long held Authority to their word proclaiming “best interests”; but for whom is the best interest in mind for?
The obviousness is becoming laughable, but I will not laugh because lives are on the line– and money is just paper or digital numbers on a screen– nothing lasts forever.
You need us more than we need you– and people are starting to see it.
While in the womb, you just grew and developed and thought whatever thoughts developing souls think cushioned in a vitreous bubble
Listening to the voices outside of yourself as you are jumbled and tumbled around by your incubator, the love of your creator holds you still and yet, not
You didn’t consciously think “I should grow an arm right now”, while your mother craved pickles and puked at the smell of salmon, or laughed at a joke she once told, and then forgot and told again
She didn’t think about her loss or change of appetite as anything other than a sort of synthesis where you were able to show your first impressions of the world, which were merely reflections of the last one you left
Connected yet disconnected by a few stops from your last departure
As a Mother, she, just kind of dealing with it. And hoped for the best. “I don’t care what it is- as long as it is healthy! Ten fingers! Ten toes.”
She didn’t sit to manifest you, but rather said, “So it is, I guess this will do.”
The Mother Knows, that these impressions can last longer than a lifetime and the purging of herself in the openness of newness is proof. Suddenly a new entity, little-me arrives!
To some, on a sunny day and to others a rainy night.
In each of us, there is the reflection of the Mother, for we could not exist without her.
But in each Mother, there is a reflection of eternity, and she graciously imparts that upon us without request. It is a shock for all parties, and a strange blessing without a manual.
The impression is beyond permanent, it is in the genetics and all of the beautiful unfoldings that appear to be effortless
I am making an attempt to add to my creative satiation by creating a a podcast that has no specific direction. Neat huh?
If it was a personal ad, it would say ” Seeking Interesting Conversation”
“Hermit Noun seeks insightful conversation with people who would rather discuss vs. argue. Seeking people who like to think out of the box but still navigate with a moral compass. Hoping to do more than compare notes and commiserate, let’s find the treasure together and share the bounty- ”
Cute. Right?
I guess I don’t really care and it’s one of those moments when I again throw caution to the wind and set it forth. I will ask your assistance in momentum, because it will dictate a certain direction – This is definitely for me and you, but I want your help and involvement to make it something worth while. Think of it as a group project, a collaborative effort where I do most the work, but I don’t actually have to do anything at all because, duh, we aren’t in high school and this experiment is a choice, not a mandate.
FUN!
If you have a half hour- check out my shaky, unguided pilot. If you do, I would appreciate it if you leave a comment and tell me what you think (good, bad- whatever.) If you check it out, share it, even if you don’t like it. Maybe it wasn’t for you today. But I bet you know someone who might like it because you like me and that is how networking works on the most pure of levels.
I’m pretty excited to share this rather impromptu recording regardless…. It’s nice to put my voice out there again- talking about the daily reflection. Today I compare our desires and obligations/ draws and distractions- to a junk drawer.
Madge Midgely 