I Have to Write About This, Right Now

I’m not big on “excitement.”  I try and keep even keel.  I suppose I am more obvious with my disappointments, than I am with my excitements.  I have always been afraid that I would get too excited, and then, someone or something would squash it, or take it away.

My response to this, has been to assume Resting Bitch Face Mode, and act as unimpressed and neutral as possible when it comes to things or situations that I should be looking forward to.

I stuff it down inside myself, I make it a reason for motivation… but heaven forbid, I actually outwardly show pride, or excitement in regard to myself.  It sucks.  It’s such a weird reaction to accomplishment; especially when you don’t hesitate to gush over the accomplishments of others.

I mean, what is accomplishment to you?  The word is really subjective.

I have come to realize, that to me, accomplishment is making a positive impact wherever I can.  It is the art of relating to people, and helping each other navigate over the hurdles life puts in out paths.  It’s knowing my intentions are pure.  It is the satisfaction of shared experience with personalities different than mine, but similar in soul alignment.

For you, it may be your kids, or your law degrees, or the fact you own your own home.  I didn’t really want any of those things, so what we may have most in common is a successful paper trail, documenting our so called accomplishments.

I want to mark today as significant, for myself.

I am embracing change and opportunity.  I am flipping a proverbial page.  I want to bring everyone with me.   Today, was effortless.   The work that made today happen, is years old.  I am getting the privileged to see some of the seeds I planted and watered so long ago, grow.

I have reached a new level of understanding Fruition.  And I know, that I am just getting excited over a sprout-ling.

Like I said, I don’t get very excited, very often.  I keep it to myself.

But, today, right now, I want to share it with you.  I want you to know that I do feel, and deeply.  I have just conditioned myself to maintain this grounded neutrality.

I want to share this feeling with you.   I want you to share your feelings with me.

Maybe today sucked for you… maybe you are in an awkward place, and you don’t have it in you, to meet my excitement.  Maybe it even pisses you off as you are reminded of how you don’t feel like that right now.   That is okay too.

Sometimes part of my reserve, is because I don’t want to make people, who already feel bad, feel worse.  So I commit to self censorship. And maybe you say nothing at all, because you are on the worse end of today.

It’s okay.  When I feel up, I want to channel that to those of you who feel down.  I am so accustomed to being mid-level-down with no outlet; that me feeling up, leaves me more energy to be present with your down time.  It’s a give and take that I enjoy participating with, because rarely is it that some one walks away from me, feeling worse about their current circumstance, than they did before we talked.  And you may not know it, but that fills me with a strong joy that is hard to describe. Those who know me, know I don’t blow smoke up their ass.  If I say something hard to take, it’s because it is honest, and I don’t censor myself much, around those of mutual love and respect.

The thing that sucks most for me… is how rare it is that I get these bursts of glow… and I find they fade so quickly, overrun by the regular mundane part of existence, that they rarely get the time or honor they deserve.  So I needed to write this down now.  I needed to document a day, where almost every hour was a new and pleasant surprise.

I needed to document that it isn’t all just “repairing fences” in life.

I have been working at starting a nonprofit, which I feel will positively change my home towns’ social landscape.  We sent off paper work to the Secretary of State to lock in our name today.  This is a dream that is over 10 years old, ready to come to fruition, and because it is  Cheyenne, and Cheyenne is ready, and I was blessed with a beginning team.  More details soon.   (But, I am excited.)

I locked down on my memorization today, so that I can give a heartfelt, and engaging talk at Tedx Cheyenne, in a week. I get to (again) take the stage in a theatre I call home, a place with rich history.  I have been  gifted the chance to talk about life, and my personal observations.  My heart is full to the brim because I am allowed to share my personal work, my personal story.  A story, which wouldn’t be the same with out my support systems and experience.

Today I was offered an opportunity to paint the hanger facade at Cheyenne Regional Airport… just think; Arrivals and Departures… a portal to a new place.  I am familiar with the experience of coming and going.  I want to create something that captures the essence and tone of those chapter changes.  I want to leave another mark on this place.  Imagine, 30 years from now, they repaint the hanger and someone comes back to visit, after leaving at 18, and they say ” Oh, they covered it up.  I remember when there was this cool mural up there….”  And I can be woven into the memories of people I may never meet.   ( A constant striving with my art in all regards.)

I feel a confidence that I am flipping a page to a new chapter.  I am excited to see where it leads.  There is no shame in it. My pride is not boastful… it’s more akin to surprise.  I am always surprised when I feel or experience surprise; I translate it as a reason for excitement.  Something to look forward to.

Thank you, to all of you who share my excitement or surprised, surprise.  Thank you, to all of you who bring me back to ground level.  Thank you, to all of you, who help me dig deep, and trust in my council.

Today was undoubtedly a good day.   Thank you for letting me share it with you.  Thank you for sharing it with me.  Thank you for allowing me to share.

 

 

 

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