This short reality may upset you on some level.  So I need to give a warning.  I never thought this would happen, I didn’t think this would be something I would write about.

My kitten Capricious is nine months old.  She is the only kitten I kept from the stray that stayed: Quantum.   Now, I am not sure how old Quantum actually is, but when she went to the vet for her spay after her litter, they assumed about a year and some change.  I am not sure if her heat  with me was her first heat.  The situation was so foreign to me I was learning as I went along.  I don’t have a strong background in kittery.

Anyway, when Quantum was in heat, she showed all the signs that were google-able, namely the desire to be more affectionate and to raise her rear end in the air.   Not knowing what to do with her in her condition, I would tap on her rear end above the tail on the lower back.  Reading her language she wanted it harder, and more of it.  It got to the point where I would be using a significant amount of controlled force to basically percussively massage her back or in massage terms give her tapotement  (top-o-mont).

She LOVED IT.  Quantum wanted (and still enjoys) being smacked on the back end in quick repitition.

In no way did I touch the cat inappropriately, I was  helping her ease angst in her hormonal reactions and she wanted it because she would just stay there wanting more the minute I stopped.

Fast forward a bit, she is barely claimed as mine.  Quantum gets preg, and I keep a kitten.

Capricious kept nursing for way longer than recommended and her spay keeps getting set back because of life happenings.  I think the nursing may have stunted her maturity on some level.  Before she ever showed symptoms of heat I bought Feliway to curb things.

Well  last weekend Capricious started puking, out of nowhere.  No dietary changes.  Concerned, I cleaned up the messes and doted on her.  She seemed low energy and dismissive of appetite.  At first she just wanted to be alone, and stable in one comfortable position.   THEN all of a sudden the over affection came on.  She is already super affectionate but the quality and vocality were amplified. She was giving the textbook butt lift.

So I started to wonder if her first estrus was much like the maladies some women experience with PMS.  Or a desire to have sex right before a period as a relief mechanism.  But… cat’s don’t menstruate, and what I have gained about cat breeding is… the females know they want it, but it usually comes by force.  Sounds tragic.

As I googled such things, I remembered the ole hand held motor massage thing in the closet that my grandparents bought years ago.  I wondered if I could ease some of Capricious’ tension, by using it on her lower back because she was just as happy as her mom was with a little spanking.

The cool thing about this old hand massager is that it purrs.  Caprcious has been out of her mind horny.  She immediately liked the massager when I put it on, turned it on, and then layed my palm on her lower back.   I immediately wished that I had this vibrating pillow that my step mom had, back in the day. If you put pressure on the pillow, it would vibrate from a mechanism with a trigger on the inside of the stuffing and then it would turn off as soon as you stopped compressing the pillow.

I’m going to be honest.  I am conflicted, because I feel like this is not okay because someone might use the idea and take it too far.  On the other hand, it is a lucrative thing to gather sperm from male animals for artificial insemination in specific breeding, so obviously people explore animal sexuality for their own benefit in ways that only seem unconventional if you ignore scientific practices in regard to sexuality and procreation.

Basically I massaged the back end of my cat until she didn’t want any more of it.  And then she acted even weirder than she was before… but she was less vocal and traversing the room rolling on her back rubbing up against anything that was in the path.

She has calmed down significantly since, and then gets vocal when she wants it again.  And this doesn’t bother me at all, because I just put the thing on my hand, I lay my palm on the top of hip bones and sit there with the cats having a normal conversation about how at times it can be really uncomfortable to be female.

I admit, I googled “Do female cats have orgasms?”  But I haven’t found anything.   I think this is a temporary mitigation solution.  It sounds crazy for sure.  But when I think about it more, it isn’t.  Some human women get migraines to the point of puking during PMS.  Some are more sensitive in various ways or feeling less social.   For a woman you may suggest a heat pad, a massage and lots of water.  Most women don’t go to a doctor or an ER the first time  they are about to bleed… even if they do feel like they are dying.

I just watched what the signs were in these situations and I imagined what I could non-invasively do to help her relax her swollen inside reproductive organs.

Quantum is super curious, but she is now spayed, yet she still likes the percussive massage on her back end from time to time.  She wants nothing to do with the hand massager.  Capricious on the other hand, doesn’t want it until she wants it and walks over to the device and rubs up on it and then comes and rubs up on me, going back and forth talking until I plug it in and ask, “Is this what you want?”  She responds by walking right over and putting her ass in the air.

It’s so weird.  Just so, so fucking weird, but not.

I just imagine her getting these feelings out of nowhere and being like “what the hell is going on?  I’m not myself today.”

We do whatever we can to assist our animals in their discomfort and this was the best temporary solution I could come up with and it works on some level.  It’s certainly tames down the agitation a cat shows in heat.  I think I lucked out that she is young enough to still be introduced to noisy contraptions with a small period of adjustment.  Quantum on the other hand seems half feral and will deal with a vacuum in the room but when it is turned on she runs to a vacuum-less corner, whereas Capricious will sit atop the dresser and overlook the whole situation with curiosity because the vacuum sits right next to the litter box and most times it isn’t running.

All I am going to say is, if you have a cat in heat and you haven’t been able to get to the vet, this could temporarily relieve some tension in your house if your cat is willing.   Do not chase your cat down attempting this, and for God’s sake please do not use your vaginal vibrating device on your actual feline friend.

The picture in the title is the style of hand massager that I am talking about.  The coils on the bottom secure around your mid palm and mid fingers.  The top part is a motor.  These devices are awesome for back massages, but be careful of hair on the massagee, it can get caught in the coils and if the hair pulls out because you pull your hand away, it is more painful than an Epilady shaver.