It’s been since January- I got the diagnosis.
In February I started therapy.
The winter was cold, but not that cold- and like most winters was windy.
The heat didn’t really ease itself in, it just showed up one day with the wind, and it’s still here, giving the illusion it may fade away in the next month- but who can tell, these days?
Sometimes I wonder if my telehealth therapist is an AI. She seems real enough- but the digital space is questionable at best, and always has been a bit suspicious.
I do the homework the best I can, but I’m not really sure what the point is to a mind that made itself so long ago, and has a hard time taking steps back into a “normal” that never existed for me. I don’t know how to be a capitalist.
I think people want to watch others jump through hoops as to prove they are worthy of existing in an existential nightmare.
They say depression is a bad thing- something to try and ascend- which is laughable when I could compile quite the list of reasons one might feel “deeply pressed upon.”
With humility some of the burden was released, if only temporarily- but the minds around me can’t wait until I “get back to normal” that never really existed to begin with. Most of it was imagined by distance and rarely communicating.
I was that “free spirit” that would return occasionally with gifts and stories of my adventures- but actually I was just struggling to survive, lying to myself by redefining struggle into adventure.
I learned along the way, that I couldn’t really make it on my own- and I would do smart grunt work for a roof, as long as it wasn’t too much of a compromise. I looked for where I fit, like a missing puzzle piece- all the while squeezing myself into puzzles I didn’t match- but if it was able to hold me within it for a time, things were fine- until the misfit caused abrasion.
My mind keeps saying “a little is a lot, a little is a lot.” What?
Then I think of a seed, how one little seed could feed many- and I wonder why we live in a land of plenty that seems to deplete unnaturally anytime need is addressed to some more than others- and that consiquence.
I was thinking about how people are but seeds in their own beginning and how they grew was a representation of the reality sewn around them- about the things brought into the scene when the brain was just formulating balance-
Balance. Our ideas of balanced are so…imbalanced. It was never offered any equity, it is a construct- an idea. But why?
It has something to do with love. That too is a concept- a multidimensional concept. Love and Justice serve like the concept of separation of Church and State- the language, and definitions try to keep them separate but at the end of the day they become enmeshed for one could not exist without the other.
When you step away from all of it, and observe it, and disseminate it- you see something everyone else is too busy jumping through hoops to actually take into deep account. It is that which your beingness truly says without outside influence. It is most in tune thing you could listen to, because you are the amalgamation of all of it-
I talk to ancestors about how we were all rushed into the boxes of definition- I ask what they would see if they could only know what they knew in this reality- would they stick to their ideas or let their secret dreams out?
This is the work of people like me- whose history has some threads but also had closed lips- and I feel all of it through my veins- so duty calls to untangle webs, search for this illusive balance and what love actually means.
Madge Midgely 