I knew my adult story started with him. My superficial bones tested the strength of will, I thought I had.
We tell ourselves things in judgement of others. An internal pact, ” I will never be that woman.” Then some how the ironic face of circumstance sets forth a learning curve you once thought yourself to be invincible against.
I walk through life, listening to my own voice-over; laughing and wondering how a story could begin like this; but it did.
Imagine a girl entering into a new period of her freedom. Twenty-three and vigorously trying to be more athletic and perhaps more hip than she has been before.
It’s a ski town and she is trying the “snow bum” lifestyle for a while. This place is edgy in its very removed and integrated way of twenty-somethings and older folks alike. They were all there for the snow; small town drama and copious amounts of intoxicants at any moment came as a sidecar.
Their attitude was “the moment is meant to be lived”; this philosophy in this neck of the woods led to other sentiments, such as “It’s better to live below poverty ABOVE 9000 ft.”
I love the mountains and nature. Every once and a while I like to party. Mostly thought I love nature and beer, with a sidecar of interesting stories. So, I found a job at a local pub with the help of a couple of local friendly friends. Forward I worked into the integration process.
This was May 2003. By October I had a few friends I could stand on a regular basis; plenty of places to hang out if things got dull, and a condo with a filthy roommate who was rarely there.
I was getting more fit, and spending much of my free time painting and forcing myself to workout. Twenty pounds of extra winter clothing and a two to four mile walk, would make me happy, as I was literally “walking my ass off.”
I wasn’t smoking cigarettes. I had a healthy pot habit and mostly drank Guinness or Carlsburg Dunkle. I walked to and fro, from my three jobs. Mostly I avoided drama.
I remember it was a warm day in August, or September; the first day he saw me. I recall him telling me his friend owned the condo behind mine. He was helping with “home improvements.”
He’d seen me running. That same day I had finished one of my favorite paintings out under sun.
In this small town, his friend living directly behind me, his avoidance of drama; we were bound to eventually meet. Our paths had to cross. It would take a couple of months.
I had some flings before then. Maybe more than I would like to mention, given the circumstances of small towns, and my distaste for sloppy seconds; none of it was of real potential, just young snow boarder guys. Most older than me, but not at all very serious.
I am feeling my superficial bones ache. It takes more than beauty and brawn to win me over. Still, admittedly, I like good looks and a great mind. Great minds are sometimes a bit vulnerable to superficial beauty. The brain could go on thinking in such contradictory and malicious circles, until one finds themselves void of the ability to communicate clearly; perhaps going so far as to not be able to communicate at all.
I’d like to say that when we met, I was starting to feel as though I was grasping clarity; though now I know, I hadn’t even really started the search.
He touched me and this muddled mind and vulnerable heart, immediately forgot about listening to common held fear, and jumped happily forward into a hard lesson.
Something I have always known and been impressed with, is the most effective way to fully know a lesson, is to fully immerse in order to truly learn.