Let’s get down to it.
Day One, I didn’t even really think about drinking. The day before I spent probably a good four hours watching youtube videos of peoples tips, tricks and before/ after pictures of weight loss after stopping alcohol. I embedded my mind with all the health reasons I’ve been over it for a long time, but negligent to take the next step.
I exercised twice during the day, because I knew that the night time was going to be the hardest for me. See, if I am sober and listening to my circadian rhythm, I want to go to bed around 9-9:30, but my grandma doesn’t want to go to bed until later. I never feel good about going to bed, unless I have tucked her in, and know she is in for the night. Drinking would give me a second wind to stay up later, because I wasn’t drinking just one drink. Just one drink would probably be enough to exacerbate sleepiness, but it would also lead to sleeping for four hours and waking up wide awake as my body had metabolized the alcohol.
I’ve been self medicating sleep for years, so I know when I take breaks my body is tired, but my already active mind is trying to reboot and rewire. I was hoping that by over exerting my body, it would be easier to settle to sleep.
Well, that didn’t work. I was restless. I used my usual breathing and mental techniques to fall asleep for a sober nap and my body just wasn’t having it. My mind was in some peak awareness and I could hear the popping of fireworks behind the white noise of my air conditioner. Usually white noise can be enough to help me sleep, because I am a light sleeper, but the fire work noises sounded like some one periodically knocking on the walls of the house. Just as I would feel myself slipping toward sleep, another noise would shake me out of it; leaving me to start over from the beginning. Slowing my heart rate, breathing deep and focusing on that “falling feeling.”
I started my sleep journey around 11:30, tossed and turned until around 6:30, and finally fell into an uncomfortable sleep with uncomfortable and vivid dreams.
In my dream I was staying with this strange older host couple that had a bunch of young people staying with them. The guests were rambunctious, and not very interested in keeping things clean. Especially the bathrooms.
I find myself in one such bathroom, and some one had plugged a toaster in near the toilet. The counter top was covered in miscellaneous objects. I accidentally bumped the plugged in toaster, into the toilet, which created a spark… and I freaked out. (In real life I am intimidated by electricity.) I approached the hosts and told them what happened and they freaked out, telling me I owe them all this money for damages. I think to myself, “You are mad about this toaster incident, but you seem unconcerned about the filth and damage all these other people are doing to your home.”
I had to figure out how I was going to make the money to pay for the damage. I got lost trying to find my car, where I planned on just running away from the situation. That didn’t work and I was back at the house. I tried to work out a trade, and I made a really interesting piece of art that stood about six feet tall, and they said, “That’s not enough.” I began to see that they weren’t a friendly old couple; they were extortionists. They wanted cold hard cash; which I didn’t have much of. I handed off $22.00 out of the $72.00 I had in my wallet. They aren’t satisfied, but I don’t let on I have more, knowing I will need it to get out of this place.
See what I mean about rebooting and rewiring?
Past insecurities, like dirty bathrooms and electricity, which have played predominate roles in past dreams, rise again to the surface. Shame, and feeling lost. Trying to compensate for that shame with external actions attempting to convey worth, are thwarted. The desire to run away from everything vile, in order to return to something beautiful. The arduous journey; the internal struggle, the fear of loneliness.
As my body and brain attempt to regain a normal balance, I am sure I am going to have more restless nights. More latent realizations.