Time to get real, and raw about something shameful.
I can’t remember the last time I have had sober intercourse.
Yep. I am pretty sure the few times I have had “the sex” in the last decade, 97% of the time alcohol was involved. Now it sounds gross to think about it or to say it out loud.
Listen, I am NOT talking, sloppy drunk. No. I am just saying, I hadn’t not been drinking before intimacy.
What does that say about me? I suppose in my twenties, it was cool to have an air of independence and mystery; to brush off the idea of serious relationships. So, my relationships would be intense for a minute and then just dissipate because one of us would get “too serious” or too disinterested. And, dudes would come and go, but I still had my bottle of Jameson, or some snobby beer to keep me company as I entertained myself.
It’s true, alcohol really does lower ones inhibitions; but it probably also lowers ones standards.
I am not sure how much of that sex I would have had, had I not been drinking. My reserve to say ‘no’ would probably be a lot stronger, and in certain situations my insecurities would have been amplified (lending to my already existent frigidity), and in some cases, I probably would have better used my observational skills to know when someone is just saying sweet somethings, in order to get laid.
I’ve been a fool.
Admittedly I have followed in programming like many young women; buying into the belief that women exist for the enjoyment and pleasure of men and acting as such an object. All the time, pretending I had some magical power. All the while secretly hoping on some wild Hollywood romantic notion, that one worthy man would fall madly in love with me, and that I would feel that way in equal reciprocity… Happily Ever After Style, Traveling the World, and Eating Delicious Food~~~HA!!!
See? How foolish!
Well, I think I had plenty of men fall for me, despite taking them through some psycho/spiritual wringer of litmus tests, all because trust seems to take time in most cases; and even when that trust is obviously established it becomes evident it is still not enough for me (for some reason.)
Is there a Sober Sapiophile Social Club?
Really, intelligence is the biggest turn on. I am starting to wonder what it’s like to be turned on by a person without the influence of alcohol?
One of the first places the brain shuts down when drinking is the Frontal Lobe, which is in charge of judgement, behavior and emotion. ” Alcohol may affect emotions, leading to crying, fighting, or a desire to be close to another person.”
Holy crap, right? This is the exact part of the brain that would help anyone find a good partner!
So all in all, nothing really lost, and everything gained. I find the research interesting, and it’s fun treating ones self as a science experiment to a certain degree. I mean, I have control over my purposeful experiments, and I appreciate that in others. Ultimately it is about self awareness, and figuring out the lies we have told ourselves forever. Still, it’s just one day at a time of facing my own truth, and that which I have been purposely avoiding for so long. The journey is certainly a weird one.
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