A Decade Plus One

Kevin,

Well, Li’l Brother; here we are eleven years later.  You existing in some special place in my heart and mind; and me, taking life as it comes.

It seems now, that the years are flying by while you are caught in some etheric arrested development.  Always almost twenty four.  Always a man child.

You know whats funny?  Even though you have been gone for over a decade, I don’t think that anyone’s dreams for you ever died.  If anything, everything they ever wanted for you, they now deem themselves worthy enough to seek out for themselves, in some honor and remembrance of you.  And I am sure you are aware of the weight that holds.

I know, that when you walked among us, you felt a distance no one truly understood, (except for maybe, me.)  I don’t know that you ever truly realized how absolutely adored and loved you were.  Maybe no one ever really does, you know?

That’s kind of the shits of dying… Sometimes it feels like a little too much, too late.   Funny thing about living with death, is that we get to sit back and see it all unfold before us.  How loss breaks us apart; how some people stay shattered, and some people try and put themselves back together, some with exacting precision and others haphazardly with pieces missing.  And then there are those who deny they were broken at all.

You changed lives.  You are still changing lives.  That truth is so heavy.  You have been gone the equivalent of almost half of your living, life.  You would be on the last leg of your Christ year if blood still coursed your veins.  Perhaps in some parallel reality you are living out those rock n’ roll dreams, still touching lives.

Some of us wondered, back then, how we could go on with out you.  Somehow, we’ve all made it this far with what little pieces of yourself you left behind, inside of our hearts and minds.  Of course, it’s never enough, but it will have to do.

If anything, I want to thank you for willing me your friends.  I don’t know if I would love them as deeply as I do, if not for you cultivating those relationships with such kind hearted humans.  I’ve taken them as my surrogate siblings, and they still honor your memory in the community, not that you were ever egotistical enough to go looking to be honored.  You earned it through your loyal friendship, talent and kindness.

I miss introducing you to people.  I miss saying “This is my brother, Kevin.”  I will always miss that.

There will be lots of people thinking about you today, more than usual.  I won’t be surprised if you let us know, you know whats up and that the feeling is mutual.

Love you, bro.

Your Big Sis.

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