A Tender Balance

Living with my grandma and  taking care of her is far different then I imagined.

I was idyllic in my imagination.

My grandma and I would be like some warped intergenerational version of Thelma and Lois; but then once she couldn’t drive any more, those dreams blew out the imaginary roofless automobile we were traveling in.

I honestly did not factor in some realities; like her legs and eyes and teeth.  Her direct words “They just don’t work anymore.”

I could argue, I tried. But it was useless, people will make their own decisions, as long as they can, and fuck you for thinking otherwise.

I had a break through today in my patience.

I differently, and honestly embraced her condition.  In the way that I embraced my parents once I wasn’t under the rules of their roof.  “I’m gonna be, me, and you just keep being you.”  And it’s like it was always that way, but unspoken… these days sometimes we both need a vocal reminder.

By embracing it, I was able to stay calm, though I was distraught about other matters.  Things undoubtedly her fault, but unintentionally.  Things that are undeniably my fault, and part of the learning process.

I slipped into a part of myself that was sarcastic, but not mean.  But my own tenderness and lack of humor has made interpreting lightness in mood and gesture hard to decipher.

I want to share more of her with you… but lately I am feeling protective.  I don’t want to sell her out.

Tonight’s situation is me folding laundry, and she complains about being lazy and useless.  And I tell her she has earned the break.  She asks what she can do, and I say,  “talk to me.”  She says “You want me to fold laundry?”  I say “No.  What? Do I gotta do everything around here?”  She says “I can fold the laundry but it won’t be very good.”  I say, “I’ve got the laundry, how about you share some of those 50 plus years of experience with me, while I fold it right the first time?”  She rolls her eyes and we continue to talk about the topic of conjoined twins that I brought up a few hours earlier.

We dance, and balance ourselves on fine lines, especially when it comes to love; tolerance, patience and purpose.  May you always find a pleasant balance.

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