Who I Am- Who Do I Want You To See? Your Unperceived Experience: What Is Real

Social Media is an illusion.  We trick ourselves into thinking we know one another.  We are enticed by pictures and platitudes.  (I’d like to do a podcast where I sardonically read inspirational memes.)

I am a person who has probably spent more time hating my physical body aesthetic than I have loved it.  I want to, but I can’t see me, through your eyes. I can see myself in a million ways in a million lights, but when I look in a mirror my default has been ugly. For some reason, I am sure the feeling is mutual.  You MUST see me the way I see myself- I can’t fathom it any other way.

When I see me, in a mirror- I see a Gollum.   A grotesque manifestation of flesh attempting to masquerade as a human. This isn’t new- it is an ongoing saga.

I’ve had a couple of points in my adult life where I “grant permission” for photos. Most times I am caught off guard. With all this technology- I’ve attempted to take control of my image.  It isn’t so much that I don’t want you to see them- it’s just that when I see them, I get really rough on myself- even though I know I shouldn’t… but as I get older, and even more celibate and single- I- I don’t even know.  Perhaps I should peruse for a book to address these issues, or write one of my own… but I don’t want to- other things interest me more.

I’m thirty-eight, I’ve suffered the yo-yo weight- the meat versus vegetable debate.   Yet no one can isolate the reason I always menstruate late beyond the common fate of erratic hormones. Yo- this blows- but I deal, cause I am real- and if no one else is willing to admit it, then I will admit it- I feel.

I want some angelic new deal, where the real me slips from my current skin.  I want to see the reflection of within- in the without.

My daily mantra has become “I see the Angel within” in hopes that I manifest that reality.

This may sound crazy- but my spirit has set me free from human bondage in a sense that we obsess about so much that is meaningless. So daily my eyes are set on Spirit and the unseen control battle.  Yet, I can not escape my reflection.  I can only augment it, moment by moment while dealing with the torrents that come.

 

 

 

 

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