Social Media is an illusion. We trick ourselves into thinking we know one another. We are enticed by pictures and platitudes. (I’d like to do a podcast where I sardonically read inspirational memes.)
I am a person who has probably spent more time hating my physical body aesthetic than I have loved it. I want to, but I can’t see me, through your eyes. I can see myself in a million ways in a million lights, but when I look in a mirror my default has been ugly. For some reason, I am sure the feeling is mutual. You MUST see me the way I see myself- I can’t fathom it any other way.
When I see me, in a mirror- I see a Gollum. A grotesque manifestation of flesh attempting to masquerade as a human. This isn’t new- it is an ongoing saga.
I’ve had a couple of points in my adult life where I “grant permission” for photos. Most times I am caught off guard. With all this technology- I’ve attempted to take control of my image. It isn’t so much that I don’t want you to see them- it’s just that when I see them, I get really rough on myself- even though I know I shouldn’t… but as I get older, and even more celibate and single- I- I don’t even know. Perhaps I should peruse for a book to address these issues, or write one of my own… but I don’t want to- other things interest me more.
I’m thirty-eight, I’ve suffered the yo-yo weight- the meat versus vegetable debate. Yet no one can isolate the reason I always menstruate late beyond the common fate of erratic hormones. Yo- this blows- but I deal, cause I am real- and if no one else is willing to admit it, then I will admit it- I feel.
I want some angelic new deal, where the real me slips from my current skin. I want to see the reflection of within- in the without.
My daily mantra has become “I see the Angel within” in hopes that I manifest that reality.
This may sound crazy- but my spirit has set me free from human bondage in a sense that we obsess about so much that is meaningless. So daily my eyes are set on Spirit and the unseen control battle. Yet, I can not escape my reflection. I can only augment it, moment by moment while dealing with the torrents that come.