I knew at a very young age that marriage and children were not in my cards. I didn’t spend time dreaming up the dress unless it was to try and meld with my peers. I came up with the weirdest name for the imaginary daughter I would never have. It was really mythical in my opinion; Azora Wynter. I guess “azora” means sky blue. The name is beautiful and somewhat depressing unless you are a skier who appreciates a good fresh powder blue bird day.
I came up with that name when I was in junior high school, in the beginning of my depression as I tried to blend in with peers while still holding on to the self that existed beneath the required social structures. And if time doesn’t exist- it was perhaps in that moment, coming up with that name that I deeply knew some day, I would make a decision so that spirit of something would not have time on this earthly realm.
We actually know a lot about ourselves at a young age and the world will either capitalize on it or try and wipe you clean of what you remember.
When my parents would say “Just wait until you have your own kids.” I would vehemently tell them I wouldn’t be having any. So far I have stuck to it.
When I was little, before anyone said anything about it- I believed in Mind Over Matter. Weird that it comes as an acronym for MOM- because losing my mom at a young age is where many of these belief systems originated.
A mom is an amalgamated foundation for survival and life experience- when there is no mom a child grows up quickly out of need and survival. It’s also very traumatizing but not something that can be openly discussed because the adults have a hard time quantifying painful situations- or at least historically it appears that way.
I thought and observed a lot of interesting things when I was young yet there was no real outlet for rumination of that sort. Parents want you to be good and listen and follow directions. Peers are trying to out do themselves with being “cool.” I was in a constant spiritual battle and very aware of it on the physical realm. Religion only made the struggle even more brutal.
I’ve fought myself to be where I am right now and if you were on the outside looking in you might find it a sad plight. Over times I have been nearly dredged of whatever external drive I may have been given in this dream world. I don’t want fame, I don’t want fortune. I want to be in peace with the land and myself and anyone of that ilk is invited to join me in camaraderie and contemplation.
This isn’t my world. I know it is a strange thing to say because here I am living up in it- yet I am in the world, and not of it. More and more I disassociate from it- not because I am frightened, but because it is so dissonant except for where it resonates. These spots of resonance are so physically far removed from one another, that I am certain if they were in proximity something just may change with such a rush it would catch many off guard.
Meanwhile, here we are broadcasting these resonator waves trying to create bubbles of heaven to inhabit.
This all sounds so crazy, but we need to be transparent about what is actually happening here. I don’t spend all day and night focused in this way for nothing. As time speeds up and this focus has apparent results for those beyond myself, this work just feels like it has to be done and I have been set up to participate in a greater effort for the whole.
This feeling that we came from somewhere else is pervasive in my common community.
For a long time I have felt that we will not recognize Jesus or the Christ because he is here in the faces of those fighting this spiritual battle that they were born for- incarnated to face. The Christ spirit has been here for a long time- it is already embedded in those who are willingly here but have always wanted to go Home.
It is time to realize your roles in this play. It is time to be transparent about what you are here to do and do it. It is okay to be in the middle, but realize there are two sides to the fence and walking the fine line takes practice and strategy. You could fall at any time to either side. Also remember that there is more than one way to get where you are going and you are a unique creation with permission to make your own way which make be more akin to a dance or carving your own path.
In this journey- some things stick and others fall away. Pick your little battles wisely because the war isn’t yet over.