It’s another one of those days when I feel like getting rid of all the creative things- the archive and the supplies. I desire so much to feel “newness”- and I wonder if in a purge I would be re-ignited with some new brilliant fire.

The fact of the matter is – it is simply a lack of space that I am experiencing within my creative ability that folds over into a sort of claustrophobia that overlaps with living space. I have so many art forms and such little space.

It is hard to share sleep/eat/care for animals/ create and stretch all in one small space- my ideas get big very easily. There is nowhere here to sew- so I put it on the backburner. Just when I get cleaned up and rearranged, I want to create another clutter of ideas, or outfits, and a meal. It’s chaotically lived in- and it’s driving me crazy because I deeply desire a place for everything, and everything in it’s place. I have the heart and mind of Mary Poppins- but the activity levels of chaos more like Pippi Longstocking.

I’ve recently applied for art studio space- which would help me tremendously in an effort to be more creative and social within an environment that is specific to that kind of energy.

I think a lack of a creative studio environment over time, in certain situations, is the reason for me wanting to give up. It’s daunting to manage what you want to do, when everything is overlapping in a small space.

Do I really think I should give up my creative drives, or just leave my work for free on a street corner? No. Deep down I know that this is my life work- my life work isn’t marketing or advertising; it is to continue to create despite the current art world hustle culture. Essentially I am curating myself, not so much as a brand, because I think “branding” is etymologically kind of gross.

I create because I am asserting that I exist. I am part of Creation, and I have a unique voice within the greater whole- despite how many things I have in common with every other part of Creation. I honor similarity and variety.

I’m not sure how I am to survive off my work- I only know it’s what I am suppose to be doing- and that everything I experience is multidimensional and the work is to reflect that. I’m not really suppose to be marketing or advertising because that isn’t my strength or interest, and despite attempting to do those things, because “other people do those things and it seems to be working for them.” It hasn’t worked that way for me and the attempts have made my stomach churn.

I recently saw a video where a person was meditating on ” staying in their own lane” for the day. Like go about the tasks and just go with the flow and see what happens- don’t switch lanes to get ahead, just be patient. And that really worked out for them, insightfully.

Last night I was thinking along the lines of that video- and I thought- hmm what if there are young creatives that would like my work but exist in a different lane specialty wise? What if I could find someone who is excited about the prospect of marketing in a unique way?

Essentially I want to give what I want for myself. Opportunities (etym: fit, convenient of time) that resonate (etym: resound:re-echo) and obligate (etym: bind,fasten, connect: moral ) with foreseeable and experiential benefit .

In other terms; Multidimensionally my work is about serving the All of Creation- and that is VAST- and as I am being shown the vastness of my own unique voice, connected to the Greater All- I am being somewhat humbled multidimensionally in the knowing that I have kept myself small and somewhat invisible for a reason; all the while feeling so much more, a potential of something much bigger.

It’s that part of your soul that sang as a child, “I want to make the world a better place!”

I think many secret creatives are feeling the same thing- they need more space to create what they love to create- and it feels like the Universe is saying “yes” but many of the creative people who get the “inner self workings” seem to be isolated somewhat in their communities- unless they are the type to push themselves into scenes. Really they just want to be seen and invited- invitation means choice and the ability to be seen with what one resonates with… These are creatives who have learned what it means to hold a “hard no” for good reasons. They are also the ones that say “Yes, Please” with their whole heart.

I’ve found for myself to participate in a way of force is exhausting and I personally need a balance of focused work with some social aspect but the the work isn’t and should never be about money- it’s about people and a perspective of connectedness. It’s about sharing experience and seeing yourself in others; and it’s really weird work because it’s the reason I still exist.

If I didn’t have creative impulses and deep insights about life and death at a very young age, I’d have taken my own life as an early teen. I’ve never really felt very connected with this world I live in. I don’t “get” politics, money, acceptance of weird social constructs. I’m pretty sure I could get an adult diagnosis for something if I lived in a place that cared more about those things- but even then, that would just set me up into another box the world creates for some reason of data collection.

The biggest box I live in, that I acknowledge is the one I physically live in- “The Studio on Central”. I could say I am “An Artist” and live in that box, but I believe we are all artists we just don’t always acknowledge that in ourselves- and that is part of my work- to show people the Artistry which is All, which is: Creation. You can’t get a paycheck for that shit- it’s not a legit job in the sense of commerce or capitalism. For whatever Goddamn reason- I got tasked with this nonsense. ( Said from the curmudgeon part of me that wishes she could “just be normal.”)

I was told to come and create and share. I was told not to worry about money or fame.

I was told to dream big; though I do, I have simultaneously shut myself off from being welcome or submissive to what BIG might look like- basically by making myself really small and buying some lie that I’m not worth the BIG opportunities. Something big to me, could be minute to someone else- contrary to popular belief there is room for both to exist in the world- staying small serves who, when one has a heart is so big?

In an expansive sense I know I am larger than life- I feel ready to share that feeling with others- because multidimensionally we are all larger than life- that is a free insight- and it’s a knowing feeling that you cannot buy or pay for. It’s the one thing that can keep you grounded and vast at the same time.

The Creative