letter to myself early 2000’s

letterTo remove myself from the impending miserable situation, i am composing this;

agreed upon this date and time

i compose this little rhyme

about a girl in a bit of a mess

a situation leaving her feeling less

boy less drama and petty woes

homeless and poor

but on her toes

….this sucks, to add to a list of woes in my life, I have forgotten how to write.  Or perhaps I have lost inspiration.  Good poetry is born of misery?  Who is reading happy poetry?  Worse yet, who writes happy poetry?

I’d be happy if I was busy.  And if I was busy, I wouldn’t have time to write poetry.

Those who are writing poetry and professing to be happy, sure must have a lot of time on their hands.

And this is some same old feeling… like I was 12 again.

Have I really matured?

How could it be that I have changed so much, if I still feel the same?

In this state of mind I am not sad about the current issue.  At this moment I am completely detached from it.

Yes, I wish things were more convenient but it really isn’t a big deal.

You have people willing to help.

The things I am so attached to, about this relationship, are not things I need.

YOU, are independent, but you are required to be more responsible.

Watch your money, and don’t get too frustrated.

None of the people willing to help you will let you spend a night with out a roof over your head.

Regardless, it is your job to get out of this situation where you need help.

And it REALLY may mean putting some things on hold for a while to get other things in order.

Besides, you have postponed certain things til this point anyway.

Things may suck, but you really don’t know, a REALLY BAD situation.  But you sure are afraid of experiencing one.

I know you think you can’t afford that right now…

First priority…make some cash.

Get out of where you are, take all graces, with gracefulness and respect.

Stay friends.  Do not burn bridges… You may not plan on crossing them again, but you sure as hell have no reason to burn the one you exited across.

Not talking for a while is not as hard as you are making it.  Just make the decision and stick to it.  Get over it, stop being so dramatic.  This is only going to be as dramatic as you make it.

You were expecting it, and you always said you would just “let it go.”

You are strong.  You don’t need the attention you are seeking.

You can handle this .  You can be calm and rational.

Better things are waiting.

If you keep freaking out, better things will never happen.

Roll with this, PLEASE!

You need a place, and a car.

Ugh, more bills?  More responsibilities?

Comes with the territory.

Where you want to be depends on the individual importance.

Enroll in instruction?

blah blah blah… programmed. ugh.

The excitement of new potential

muralI can’t stop thinking… or feeling that there is something bigger that I am missing.  Something BIGGER than the biggest big I could conceptualize.  Everyday the search begins again.  Little pieces to the bigger puzzle, leaving me empowered and confused.  Addicted to the search.  I have gained so many new tools in my stability that I have started to feel that rumble and shake inside telling me to move on and use this newly acquired knowledge.

I received some cash today for art.  I  put it in a thin necked Vodka bottle.  It is harder to get it out that way.  I want 500 to travel with.  What is 500 bucks?  Nothing.  Bills in a bottle.  I am almost a tenth of the way there.  Not bad.  Should be easy  enough.  I make it harder with its easy accessibility.  I have to set up my own boundaries.  That too should be easy enough as I seem to set some sort of boundary for myself on a daily basis.  Not even the good kind.  No doubt as I tackle the task of breaking the boundaries I will be learning new skills of survival.

I live very much in a now and present future oriented mindset.  I aquire what I need in the moment as a way of confirming my energy in work… I think I am in the surplus.  This excites me, I just yet have not seen the total fruits of my labor.  This should be exciting fruition.

I have not yet traveled as much as I would have liked, to the distances I have hoped to see.  This will be a future manifestation when I finally have something tangible to offer.  But what is this; all these journals and pictures?  Is that not tangible?  Sure but it is the old journey and I am in the drivers seat for something new.  I am a pioneer who has yet to pick their path for the destination.

I ask inspiration to guide me into uncharted water.  I want to ride the current to a place few find because they fight the flow.  Getting caught up in a cove somewhere so close to paradise.  Always wondering the great “what if?” (Something I refuse to suffocate from.)

This acquisition of comfort is such a gift.  I have all I need and more in this moment, but I need more movement to balance this fixture of roots.  I am ready to dive deep and move forward in flow.

I ask that I am offered support, and that I be willing to accept it when it is fulfilling for everyone involved.  This is truly and exciting journey.

Baggage, it’s in your car.

As an avid traveler, by means of the personalized vehicle I call a car; I have thought long and hard about the reflection it has in my life. 

 When you travel as much as I do, you like to keep things handy, which at times can mean packing your whole life into one small space.

In my case, it rarely leaves room for passengers.    Passengers take up space that is usually filled by my baggage.

To accept a new rider means I have to clear space for them and their baggage.

You mean, I have to purge stuff to fit them in?


There are times when we have too much baggage in our car to accept a new passenger. To work through the trash tucked beneath seats and move the over flowing suit case from the back seat to the trunk.

In September of 2007 I made the biggest shift in luggage to date. I exchanged some of the things I didn’t need anymore, for a companion animal. A travel buddy requiring far less baggage than a human companion. It didn’t mean she was void of it, her needs were a little different, and it came as a huge adjustment for both of us. We travel the open road, enjoying each others company, at times growing a bit weary of one another in such a small space. She would grow annoyed when I would make a thrift store purchase that would take up half the entirety of the back seat, the equivalent of a doggy Barka Lounger.

Adjustments remade, more purging to be done so that we could ride again with out the clutter and annoyance, of baggage.

How does this example fit your life? Are you driving around with so much baggage and trash in your car that you have a hard time seeing out the back window? Do you constantly try to take on more than you have room for in your life?

With each passenger we attempt to take on, comes everything they choose to bring. Are you willing to clear enough space from your own mounting luggage to take on the luggage of your passengers?

It’s illegal to strap people to the roof, but do you find yourself trying it out, just so you don’t have to attack the problem of your own mounting carry ons?

Some people only have a make up bag and a purse, others have a trailer… maybe your vehicle isn’t made to haul a trailer.

You decide to upgrade, but upgrades are pointless, if most of the baggage is obsolete.

Take inventory; look closely at what you own and how it serves you. Do you find yourself being obsessed with memories dripping in pain? Do you spend most of your time holding tightly to what was, in order to ignore what is? Do you become fixated on how things use to be, instead of focusing on the present?

These attitudes will keep your car bogged down, riding below the speed limit in the slow lane. At some point you are bound to be pulled over for hindering traffic.

You will maybe only receive a warning. This will be a sign to make some adjustments. If you choose to ignore the warning, the next time you get pulled over it may be more severe… perhaps a fine. And your natural inclination may be to be mad about the fine, but you had been warned and all the crap in your windows isn’t helping your vision.

A better attitude would be one of appreciation that someone had brought your attention to a problem you had grown so accustomed to that you no longer saw as a problem, but rather just an extension of yourself. No one said you had to be so bogged down, no one said you had to take everything with you and never let it go. These things are good to do, and everyone has their own timing for the experience.

Perhaps you find yourself at a point in your life where you want company, some one to share the ride with, and like so many others realize there is no room. Perhaps you are carrying things that no longer fit, or appliances that no longer work.

What will you do to make the room. From my experience; I realize for each thing I remove that is no longer serving me, opens the door and clears the space for a new and better utilization of space. When I consciously choose not to add trash to my car; and to only accept what will be a beneficial additive to the ride, the path becomes brighter, lighter, and easier to travel. Keep your vehicle tuned, pay attention to the road, and travel light with good company… or don’t, the choice is up to you.  

With each fork in the road or rest stop on the side there is a chance to blaze a new path and use a dumpster.