I went for a walk today, obviously sans dog. And something happened in my brain that I haven’t experienced in the decade I had walked with Claddagh. I became aware of what other people may think about me, as I walk along, alone.
When I had Claddagh, our walks were interactive. It was just her and me in the world. I have no thoughts to the perceptions of the individuals passing me in cars. They only existed as obstacles in crossing the road, completely depersonalized inside their automobiles.
Occasionally someone might hoot out at me, grabbing my attention but mostly I would choose routes of alleyways and side streets without much traffic.
It’s a pretty straight shot along a busy road to walk for a pack of smokes. Dog-less the short trip is mind-numbing. I feel the cars pass, and I become extra aware of the expression on my face, my posture, and gait. I’m in this thought and I avoid eye contact with drivers. I think about this solo jaunt and I’m sad and lonely. I am sure my face has that “melancholy far off look.”
Each and every normal thing that I do, for the first time, again- without my friend, I make note of.
“This is the first time I have put gas in my car without Claddagh.”
“This is the first time I am popping into Goodwill, real quick, without Claddagh.”
“This is the first time I am going through a Chick-fil-A drive through without Claddagh. No one told me how cute she is and if she would like a dog treat.”
“This is the first time I am walking around downtown without Claddagh, and no one strikes up a conversation about her.”
This new internal narration doesn’t make a good movie. I am having a new conversation by myself with the world around me, and I am the only one who knows the inside jokes.
I was barked at by a squirrel for a good five minutes today. Claddagh would have been amused.
When Claddagh and I would walk, I would try and see the world through her eyes and engage in that way. The only time I would suspend this reality, would be on “athletic” jaunts where I would want to keep a steady pace and an elevated heart rate; other than that we would be as lackadaisical or as excited as she wanted to be while trying to maintain a lead that wouldn’t choke her.
It was only in the last year or so, that she was beginning to walk on a leash like a well-paced partner, no pulling forward for the lead. I was really starting to appreciate that shift in her maturity, but now I just think it may have been a side effect of her heart tumor.
If you are ever deciding to get a dog, get one that is young at heart and really foster that personality trait. Much like people, they may age into later years and be mistaken for younger because of the youthful and playful nature they exude. That is precious energy to embody or be surrounded in.
Are you familiar with the action of a wrecking ball?
That is Sara Goossen in a nutshell. The lady is powerful, energetic, and ready to knock excuses out of the way. She is a bright and compassionate person who sees the potential in people and then helps individuals harness their inner bad ass. This talent is an imperative staple in her personal business model.
October 1, 2012, Sara opened Fit Body Boot Camp- Cheyenne, with 14 clients. Her goal is to change the lives of 5000 of Cheyenne’s citizens by 2017. As of April 2015, she has trained and cultivated a community of 1200 residents who are interested in adopting a healthy life style. That is an average of 400 people a year, getting active and aware in the fair city of Cheyenne and it’s surrounding areas. No small feat for this 5’3″ wrecking ball.
Sara and I got together to discuss her fitness past and her optimistic fitness future; how she came to start FBBC and some of her own trials and tribulations in the fitness process.
Before I jump into the interview, I would like to state that when you are looking for a gym, and a support system to help you change your habits; having a leader like Sara is imperative because she has run the gamut of unhealthy eating and body weight issues. She has children, she knows struggles and excuses. She has taken initiative on her own, in her own life in order to transcend her past hang ups. In turn Sara has turned hardships into valuable insight for those at any point in their fitness journey.
It may be easier for certain people to take her ethic very seriously because she didn’t start out on this lifestyle right after high school or college before having children; when most women’s bodies are still in that youthful metabolism. She wasn’t always healthy. It was a choice that she had to dedicate herself to; which meant a long road of challenges that led to the changes that are evident in her today.
Let’s find out more, shall we?
WEIGHT: 145.3 lbs
FAVORITE EXERCISE: RUNNING STAIRS, WORKING THE BACK, AND SQUATS
LEAST FAVORITE EXERCISE: BUILDING CLIMBERS
Let’s talk about your fitness past, eating disorders, all that stuff.
It goes so far back, it’s disturbing… so, okay, 10 years old; my mom told me I needed to stop eating granola bars because they were making me fat and at that point in time I had just finished some book, I can’t remember the title of, and it was talking abou this girl who would throw up, because she was so fat. So…I…followed suit.
Thank God for Children’s Literature, right?
Yeah, I was like, “Well, now I am well informed and I can solve this problem.
(Sara reminences with awkward laughter.)
So, at ten years old that started fourteen years of just roller coaster disordered eating; ranging the spectrum of binging and purging to just starving myself. When I got pregnant with my son, when I was sixteen, I kind of just said “Fuck it. It doesn’t matter if I am skinny; it doesn’t matter if I am fat…I am pregnant. I can eat whatever I want and have no guilt.” I gained 50 pounds when I was pregnant with him, and I lost ten. I lost some weight nursing, but after I stopped nursing him, I continued the disordered eating cycle.
Just picked it up where you left off?
Yep, just picked it up right where I left off. And I knew… I was an athlete in high school, I knew about nutrition but it’s not something that I ever listened to because disordered eating was so much easier than learning how to feed myself. At nineteen I married my now ex-husband, (my daughters’ father) and gained all that “happy weight” I maxed out the scale before we got married, at 197 lbs…. so, I looked like a cow in my wedding dress.
Thank god for girdles….
After that we were trying to get pregnant with Emma, and couldn’t get pregnant… couldn’t get pregnant. We tried for two years, and I finally went to the doctor and asked “what is going on?” I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and the doctor told me that I had to make a lifestyle change, or else…. “you’re going to end up with diabetes; you are more apt to have certain types of cancer, you are just going to get fatter, your thyriod is going to peter out…” All the things that go along with PCOS… “This is your future. You either make a change now or enjoy your future where it is headed.”
At that point I sought help because I knew my disorder was no longer a sustainable way to live life. It wasn’t mentally or emotionally healthy.
So I lost about 20 lbs. and we got pregnant with Emma through a series of fertility treatments. When I was pregnant with Emma I only gained about 20 lbs and then I lost it all right away. At that point they (the doctors) said “Well you are probably not going to be able to have any more children, so don’t worry about it.” And I thought, okay, cool; I am just going to go back to doing the whole weight loss thing, because I still had fifty pounds to go.
So I lost another twenty pounds, and then I got pregnant with my daughter Ileena… BOOM! I remember going to my dads house and saying, “Well… I am pregnant again just when I was gettting my ‘sexy’ back.” My grandma looks at me and says “Well honey, maybe that’s the problem.”
Double edged sword on that one…
Yeah! So I got pregnant and did that whole thing and I only gained fifteen pounds with Ailena , and I lost that all right away. November 2009 I found Body For Life, Bill Phillips, transformation.com ; whom I heard about from my step-mom. So I thought, I am going to try this thing. (Everybody thought I was crazy for starting during the holidays.) It was pretty easy; three days of lifting, three days of cardio, all high intensity intervals. By doing that the next three months I was able to loose the rest of the weight. About half way through that three month process I was like “Ya, know, I want to help other people because I can do this as some one who has struggled their whole life with eating well and taking care of themselves … I can help some one else do this.”
I got my personal training certification.
How long did that take you?
It was about four months and about that time I was working for my dad as his administrative assistant amoung other things. I decided that I would try this training thing before and after work, and see what happens. I did that and it just blew up, so in June 2010, I quit my job working for my dad and I started training full time.
I was doing a lot of one on one training and two boot camp sessions at a local gym. I was making money, doing something I love. I worked there for two years and I left because there were some issues that made it neccessary for me to get out of that environment. I decided, I am just going to start my own place; I left and they came after me with for violating my no-compete/ no-solicitation agreement.
Looking back, I was so mad at the time. I was furious, like how could they do this? How can this stand up? Well, it stood up because I had solicited the people who had signed up with me, but were also their clients. I had to take a year off of training and I went back to working for my dad for a year and within that year I knew I needed to do something. I was miserable.
When you are following a life of passion and suddenly it is taken away; it’s like the wind has been knocked out of your sails. You don’t even feel like a human being. I started looking down in Colorado for places I could move to and open up. I was doing all this during the same time I was being sued and working for my dad; I also had gotten a divorce from my kids father. It was everything that could go wrong, did.
I was at an impass; like shit, what do I do?
I looked down in Boulder and I spent about six months driving back and forth, just looking for a location I could open up. I encountered road block after road block.
By this point I had already talked to the CEO of Fit Body, who has been a long time friend. I told them, I want to do this but I have to wait until this year is up or I am screwed.
Was that part of your Non-compete agreement? Did you have a time limit to wait?
Yes, that was the year. One year to the day, October 1, 2012; we opened up with fourteen clients. I was just so excited to be open and be able to do what I love to do. That’s it… the rest is history. Here we are today; looking for another space, a bigger place… sitting down with the bank and talking about bigger loans.
That’s pretty quick, only three years.
Yeah, less than three years actually.
How do you know the CEO of Fit Body?
The fitness industry is so small, it really is. So if you don’t know every one you soon will if you stay in it long enough. I met him doing a master mind. I was in there with the two founders of Fit Body Boot Camp, Steve Hochman and Bedros Keuilian. I was in Steve’s Master Mind and through that I met Bedros. We had several conversations and talked on the phone several times, emailed back and forth; He called me up one day and said ” What’s it going to take to get you to open a Fit Body? And I told him, “You know what it will take, you know what I am up against right now. It’s going to have to take one hell of a deal and some patience and that is where it’s at.” So he said “Alright, let’s make it happen.”
At this point it was going from licensing to a franchise, so they were looking for people and I just happened to be one of those people.
Do you get together with other gym owners?
I do know a lot of the Fit Body owners simply because we get together quarterly; every three months, usually in San Diego or Chino Hills, California. There is a great community with in Fit Body, even from a corporate structure coming all the way down to the clients. It’s nice that we can just continue to pay it forward. It’s pretty cool, and a very unique situation.
Would you like to talk about your competition stuff?
OH YEAH! Sure! I don’t want to bore you to tears with business.
I first competed in August of 2011, I also ran the Denver half marathon in October 2010, and after that I gave myself permission to never run again. (laughter.) I find it really useless and painful. It turns out I am better suited for lifting heavy things than go fast.
Did you do this on your year of sabbatical?
No, it was right before everything blew up in my face. Then I competed in my second figure show August 2013.
Did you win anything?
I did. I placed 5th in the second show, I was pretty excited about that. Granted there were only six figure competitors, so I was 5th, but I was happy to have something to take home, regardless.
My first show I did there were 36 figure competitors, and I think I finished 34th. So I was like, “I think I have improved!”
Were these in Wyoming?
The one in 2011 was in Loveland, Colorado. The Warrior Classic, and the other one was in Wyoming, and that was the Jay Cutler Classic. And that Dude, is a Big Dude. I have a picture of him somewhere.
He was there?
Yeah, he is huge! He is a moose of a man! My head is as big as his shoulder!
He could pick you up in the palm of his hand!
Honestly I am getting the bug again, to compete. I am trying to weigh out the time commitment that it takes, along with my other obligations to see what it will take… if it’s something I can feasibly do right now while keeping everything else balanced. I do love competing .
If you wait to have your own place, you could put on your own competition, in house competition. Then you won’t have to go too far.
That is one of the most fun things about competition; you get to meet so many interesting people from all over the country. People who are busting their asses just to get super lean for just a minute. It literally lasts a day. You deplete enough to have a six pack for a day, and then you gain 20 pounds the next day because you drink water. It’s crazy.
It would be interesting to time lapse a person going through the build up to competition, and then the 24 hours afterward. Once you get the tanner off, and start drinking water again, it’s like what the hell? You blossom like a flower.
You still eat, you carb load the day of to fill out your muscles because you have depleted to the point that you have taken all the glycogen and striped your body of literally everything. It’s not something you want to do often because it is kind of dangerous, BUT, it’s still fun to push your mental ability and physical barriers. That is big for me, because I love the challenge.
Are you a challenge junkie?
I totally am! I love the personal challenge. Competing against other people is fun, but figure prep is anywhere from 2-5 months.
It’s kind of interesting that you have struggled with disordered eating which is in and of itself sort of an addiction, and pushing your body to a limit and challenging it, but not in a very healthy way. And here you have turned your addiction around to a healthier way of expressing it. Yet, there are still these extremes that you go to.
It totally is. What I think helps me with competing and the lifestyle of body building is the structure that it provides. It’s like a security blanket. You take some one with an eating disorder who has struggled with that their entire life, and you say, “you don’t have to struggle, here is some structure. Have a nice day.” It’s like, “okay, this is safe.”
Then the biggest struggle, is will power to be able to keep on the regamine.
Yeah, it’s like any other fitness goals… as long as you have that dead line… the finish line at the end; it makes it that much easier. It’s not like you have to do this for a lifetime or else… It’s here is your dead line, and then you reset the goal. And that is something that is really, really exciting for me.
Through competing I learned to accept my body, where ever it is; whether I am 120 pounds or 145. I am still strong, I am still beautiful and I am still worthy of love and acceptance and success. That is one of those things that I have accidentally learned through the process. It is a by product.
I know a lot of people who compete who struggle with that mindset. Like if they don’t have a six pack they are done for. They are like “Oh My God, My Life Is OVER!”
It basically boils down to bulemia or dysmorphia. It’s all activated on the same brain wave length, same neurological pathway. It’s been nice to find freedom from that as I have gotten older. To not be stressed out about the numbers, to see yourself and be like “You look good!”
IT’s a good example to your kids, too.
I hope so. Sometimes I wonder, “am I ruining these little people?”
Instead of “You’re the reason mommy has a drinking problem,” it’s more like “You are the reason mommy has an exercise problem.”
That’s funny beacause when I took two months off earlier this year, my kids were like “what is wrong with her?” I did not feel like myself. I felt like I was insane most days; like absolutely bat shit crazy.
You needed to be exerting yourself.
Yeah, I needed that rush of endorphins and I think it was something that I had always taken for granted because I have been doing it for so long, it’s just been part of my life for so long. When I completely took it out, I had no idea the impact it would have on me. Not just physically but spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I got to tell you, the week we started working out again, my husband and I; He was like “Gosh you are so much easier to be around.” And I knew he meant that in the sweetest way possible, instead of being a jerk, and I was like “I know, trust me, it’s easier to be in my head.” I went to the doctor and I asked am I schitzophrenic, what is going on here? And she said “I think you are depressed.” And I just needed exercise.
So tell me about your favorite success story to come out of here.
My favorite one, honestly, is from when I very, very first started. He followed me when I opened Fit Body. His name is Austin, he was 16 when he came to me he was 386 lbs. and he was tall and huge. He knew he had a problem. He was home schooled so he didn’t have a lot of interaction with other kids. The reason he was home schooled was because when he was in school, the other kids were just horrible to him because he was so big and kind of awkward and quiet.
He would come, every single day to Boot Camp. At that point in time, they were 1 1/2 hour sessions, he would show up at 6:00 AM, every day. And even if he couldn’t do it, he would struggle through it.
He asked me, “what do I eat? how do I do it?”
His mom was onboard, but I didn’t see her much. Sometimes she would come and walk while he did Boot Camp. Every now and then she would come talk to me, well when I took the year off, Austin started power lifting and he took his focus off the weight loss. Then he came over to Fit Body when I opened, and he brought his mother with him, and they did it together.
It was just so, so, so cool. He ended up losing 110 lbs by the time he was 19. Then they moved to Oregon. He was such a great, great kid. It was just so cool to see how he was able to influence his mom because it’s usually the parents who influence the kids. He was able to influence his mom after two years of going at it by himself.
Was she also over-weight?
Yes, she was, but such a nice, nice gal. I look back on those two, especially Austin and I think “That kid could have made every excuse in the world because teenagers do, adults do. Teenagers learn from what the adults model.” He just was like “I am tired of this. I am tired of being the ‘fat kid’. I don’t mind being a ‘big kid’, I am 6’3″. But I am tired of being the ‘fat kid'”
The last Halloween he was here, he dressed up as The Hulk; and that involved taking off his shirt, and painting himself green, and walking around with out a shirt on. Two years prior to that you would have never seen him do that. It was so cool to see him blossom from this awkward quiet, video gamer (indoor) kid to this little ball of life and energy, and sass.
It was fun to not only see his journey of weight loss but also to see how he grew as a person. To see him evolve into an adult from a kid that just didn’t want to be fat and made fun of.
Do you stay in contact with him?
I do. I stay more into contact with his mom because he is a young adult now and all over the place.
It would be interesting to see if he takes a career in Fitness from this influence. It seems like people who a great at teaching come from a past of being ostersized.
So, we have touched on this, but obviously Fitness has a positive effect on your homelife.
Oh God, yeah! The kids are like “Mom, go work out, you are driving us crazy.” It is also nice though, because my husband and I can share it together. Every morning Monday through Saturday we go work out together, and then go to work and do our thing. It’s been a good bonding experience for us too. Although it did take us three years for him to come and work out with me. The first time we exercised together, he was having a bad day and we were just friends at the time. I was like “he’s having a bad day, just go lift, and he will be fine.” Well a half hour in, he is dry heaving on himself, and I was like ” I thought you were in shape?” Well, after that he didn’t come back to work out with me for three years. And he comes to boot camp, and he makes it through the whole thing, and after that he said “I am going to have to wait until you are ‘deconditioned’ a little before we can work out together.”
He took the oppertunity while I took two months off to “even the playing field.”
Since then it has been nice, in the last couple of months to have that morning time with my husband because we have five kids… we need that time together. It’s nice to have that time and cheer each other on.
What are some of your future goals?
Really my mission is just to help people and it always has been. I am in the business of changing lives and if I am not changing lives, then I am doing something wrong.
YOU RUINED MY LIFE THROUGH EXERCISE!
Ha, ha! Oh man, if some one said that to me, I would have to reevalute everything. I really do just want to leave an impact on this world. And, Cheyenne… God Bless it, and all of it’s citizens; (but Cheyenne) is a FAT city. Overweight, unhealthy; spiritually, mentally and physically. People are over worked and under paid, or over worked and over paid. They have little or no time for their families , no time for themselves; no time to do anything. So we have people spinning their wheels, but for what? At the end of the day if you don’t have your health, you have nothing left. I don’t want to out live my children. I see obese kids around and I want to slap their parents. I don’t want to beat the kids, but I want to slap the parents. It makes me so mad. But then I look at it, and you have to change the lives of the parents before you can change the lives of the children. At the end of the day, it is our job as adults to make those responsible decisions. It isn’t easy, but it is our responsiblity.
It’s in my heart to change the health of this community, if not the entire community of Wyoming, but that’s a long way off down the road. I want to continue to make a difference in peoples health and in their lives.
Thirty minutes of exercise might not seem like much, but it can change how a wife treats her husband. She is in a better mood, she feels better about herself, she feels more attractive… she actually wants to be with her husband instead of saying ” I don’t see what you see, at all.”
It changes how a mother treats her children because she has more energy, she will want to take them to the park, or go hiking and do stuff. Or maybe she is just in a better mood and doesn’t want to paddle their butts just for being little people.
It is just fitness, it is just a work out… but it can change EVERYTHING. I have seen it with myself. I saw it when I started my journey years ago and I still see it today. If I don’t work out, I need to work out because I start feeling ‘cagey’ inside. Anxious.
What has your biggest triumph been in your personal fitness journey?
I think just staying the course. Every day is a new day. I can’t say one event has been a real defining moment in my health and fitness journey. I think it just staying course with the lifestyle. I mean sometimes I fall off, just like anyone. I go on a little cookie diet, when I feel stressed, and then I gain eight pounds and then I have to lose it again. At the end of the day just knowing that I am doing what I need to be doing is just great. But when I am not doing that I can tell a difference. So for me, it’s just committing to the lifestyle.
Is there anything you would want to change?
No. Not really because I believe even the hard stuff is lessons. And I think I am far more grateful now toward some of the hardships that I went through. When you look back at it, it just gives you an oppertunity to learn about yourself; to learn about others and the way the world works. Hardships are often self inflicted. So if anything it’s just learning about who I am and who I want to be and who I do not want to be. It’s just about growing up.
Would you like to give any tips or inspiration?
It’s just about consistency. You have to pick and plan and be consistent. It doesn’t matter what your plan is, as long as it has some good foundation of physical health, mental health and spiritual health. Even if it’s CrossFit or lifting or body building or boot camp; whatever it is, I think it’s just about picking something that works for you and stick with it. I know Boot Camp isn’t for everyone. I wish it was. At the end of the day finding something that works and sticking with it long enough to get results. So many people just go about their life by starting a new program every two weeks, saying “But I am just not getting results.” and I am like “Dude, it’s only been two weeks. Do you know how long it took me to lose 70 pounds?”
How long did it take you?
Beginning to end it took three years. Granted I got pregnant twice in between, but it took me three years to lose that 70 pounds. It’s not going to happen over night.
After spending all this time taking other peoples measurements; when do people, on average see a difference for themselves and accept that change is occurring?
Typically eight weeks, especially for women. I call it an 8 Week Miracle. Literally nothing on the scale can change and inches may not change, but may be your clothes fit differently. For whatever reason the inches may not change, your body fat may not change, and then one day you wake up and somewhere between the bedroom and the bathroom, you realize you lost your ass. It’s like it’s just fallen off somwhere and you hop on the scale and you are down ten pounds from the night before. And you will be like “what the hell? My scale must be broken.”
So you call in a spouse or a loved one and you have them hop on the scale and it says what it always says to them, and you hop back on there and it says the same thing, “you are down 10 lbs.”
You have to trust the process, long enough. Not just “half commit.”
“Oh I am just gonna work out for eight weeks and hope that everything is going to happen. You have to have a plan. Have a plan of attack and exicute it flawlessly. Even if you have one bad day, okay, perfect; get back on the band wagon, but don’t let that one bad day or one bad meal derail you for the next six months.
So I think that is the key. Consistency. You have to be consistent, no matter what. And that goes with anything; if it’s fitness related, or business related, or if you want better relationships. What ever it is, BE CONSISTENT! STICK WITH YOUR PLAN! Things WILL change.
In summery; Knowledge, is the awareness that all action has a reaction, and Wisdom, is using that awareness to your advantage whilst utilizing all available resources.
Fit Body Boot Camp works because of the significant insight that the program lends through collaborative Wisdom and Experience.
Fit Body Boot Camp is calling out more of Cheyenne to get involved in their fitness; and during the month of May we are taking extra efforts to expose residents to the opportunity. If you have been following this blog and you are tempted to try it; COME ON DOWN! Let them know you read this blog and that it has helped you to take the first step in health and wellness; or if you are new to town and looking for a fitness community and this seems up your alley, come take a test drive.
If this article interests you and you would like to read more, check out these related blogs. And as always I appreciate “likes”, comments, suggestions and subscribers; so please feel free to interact. And remember kids, Fitness is great, but Burpees SUCK!
I saw minutes fly by like birds in migration, flapping wings; they soar beyond sight to another hemisphere.
Only minutes forever disappear.
Fifteen of them at a time fly right on by.
Soaring near my face; One leaking shit on my cheek like a delicate opaque tear.
The next one, Number Two, buzzed nearest my ear with a fearful ticking of finality.
The Third flew into my mouth, making me choke for air; daring me to fight for a Minute.
Number Four won’t back away from my hands, as they work to remove Number Three; caught between my throat and a molar.
Minute Five arrived just as alive as the rest. Sinking claws into my scalp, then pulling away. Leaving a talon in my skull.
This is bullshit.
My ass is getting kicked by minutes- Limitless and passing
Beyond recognition, each sort of leaving their mark on my skin; my heart and my brain
I’ve lain down enough lines tonight on this subject alone. I feel like I own it.
Man, you’ve blown it. I am still waiting on you to show up.
To not, let me down, but I frown at my attempt to be with you.
I should be in my own bed at my own house.
It appears you are out for the night, I should turn out your light. I should board the bus back to my place.
I have an hour to decide; to make a decision.
I keep listening for your car to keep me glued to these sheets.
I’m defeated and tired.
Minute Six licks my cheek gently where Number One left it’s mark; then swiftly with stinging fury, smacks me so hard, I saw so many stars.
I never saw Number Seven, with a club in one hand, and in the other; a frying pan.
A single, a double, a triple whammy.
Damn, I must be the one tripping now. I can’t seem to control these minutes and their rising aggression.
I get the sensation they wish they were being used by someone other than me.
They’ve declared anarchy on my sensibilities; meanwhile I wait for you to pull me though this lonely game.
It’s so much better with you here; to smack Minute Eight in the ass when he passes gas in your nose and mine.
It would be fine to have a partner in crime at this particular time.
Especially when Number Nine pulls his shit and tries to poke you in the eyes. I would grab him from behind because I like your peepers; it’s too bad that I just lost mine when Number Nine got me with out any back.
Alone I still sit, thinking you must not want to be with me, a past regression into negative emotion.
Whoa, that must have been the influence of Number Ten; him and his rotten fortune cookie.
Look at me and Minute Eleven; Number Sevens’ twin… Again I get knocked silly, floating with stars.
Should I go back to the scummy bar for an ale before I hit the bus.
I’ve traveled enough for one night. I have been let down enough for three eves in just the matter of hours.
Mean while, Minute Twelve hid on the shelf, until I looked away in recovery.
I didn’t see him throw those books at my noggin; You’re usually blocking those too.
Thirteen beams with joy at adding to this display , by air raiding me with water balloons and foul language.
Fourteen pelts rotten apple cores, vying for my attention.
Boy, I’ve learned nothing but how to block these punches, and it’s hard when they come from every side.
Hence, Number Fifteen, sixteen times over, barks and bites like a Doberman Pincher.
Twelve Midnight and thirty minutes…
A half hour to catch the late bus, time to switch gears and quietly leave, each Minute a failed attempt at following me.
Lost minutes are no consolation for you holding me.
Excuse me for being brash… crude; crass, rude, un-Kosher, un-classy, and perhaps even UNACCEPTABLE…. but I am pretty sure I am not the only one, IN THIS BIG yet small World… who at times, thinks; Fuck This.
Fuck it all! Fuck this, fuck that, and use a whiffle ball bat!
I can’t say what moments bring you to that point, but I DO know I have ’em. I struggle. I look at the accumulation of all that is, and see its potential to be so much more… and in the same glance I see all the hurdles and blocks that restrict the way.
I see it every day. And some days, I feel like a champion. I love a challenge and I am ready to meet any one that may come, head on. But some days, I just wanna say “Fuck THIS… it isn’t worth my time/energy/creativity/life force.”
It isn’t because I am lazy… but rather because everyday I wake up, I rise with the belief that “Today will be better! Today I won’t have to give looks of confusion or redundant disbelief, because they will get IT too! And perhaps today will be the day of harmony! Finally we can all just get over ourselves and GET ON with Our Next Big Task.”
I get, like two minutes into my day, only to realize….uh well, today probably isn’t THAT Day. And I know this because I am the first person I encounter in a day… and if I am not, for some reason, bliss-ed out… well chances are no one else is.
There are many philosophical discussions on perspective. How our perspective, colors and influences the World we see and interact with it. Cultures far older, honor a system of reflection. The greater I AM, IS ALL and WE ARE IT, and IT IS US… and so it goes. Perhaps no One Person is Perfect…but between the collection of our experiences, together we can create a symbiosis of Perfection through Our unique expressions and perceptions.
Anyway… along those lines, many cultures talk about an up coming “Golden Age.” A proverbial time many have found intriguing for the fact they feel the same aching, internally, in which says…”Fuck This.”
It doesn’t have to be rude, or mean. It doesn’t have to even relate to laziness or cowardliness.. Rather it comes from a conclusion, which is far headier than most want to admit to. It comes down, or rather UP to seeing a bigger picture; which quite frankly may invoke a desire to shit ones pants.
It is the acceptance of our collective nature in a Source, far more multifaceted than modern cultures and religions have given it credit for. When the Hindus talk about having 33 million Gods in their belief… but One Absolute… They could be very close to the Truth. I mean if we are all made of the same star dust; and If We look at Ourselves, We see many faces of God. At that point it seems weird to have such superficial divisions. (Except for the fact that there are have been those who wish to enslave humanity, knowingly. And only for nefarious reasons… which we are observing and taking emotional action toward…)
Some of Us are only just now recognizing the repetitive nature of existence. It’s lessons, our participation, and It’s steadfast nature in conveying impressions of Truth through any avenue. It is unavoidable.
For some of us, It seems We have been struggling, consciously, longer than others.
Perhaps this is where competition really stems. If there is an “end,” then most likely it is “Source.” Why shouldn’t we rush, and push each other to get there? Like Spiritual Sperm finding the Etheric Egg. Most of Us are in for the long haul, but many of Us are reaching Our own thresholds in a way of in-explainable proportions.
The game is just an old rehash, kids. From every parallel and perpendicular; every story has been played out, far too many times…. EXCEPT, the ones that include Ascended Masters.
No one gets tired of imagining themselves as some sort of Savior… meanwhile defaulting in realities mind fuck, in such a way that it relies on some one else to take the proverbial reins and Save, what could be seen as a Sinking Spiritual Ship that is the Hopeless Human.
And that is what separates those who say “Fuck This,” and mean it as a mantra of not giving up… and those who say the same words, with different tones, resonating in defeat and complete submission to the moment, with out regard to the end result which comes in it’s own way, unprovoked.
I, was a child, who never really liked just chatting about the weather… but I sure did enjoy talking about having control over it. These are conversations of sages and the Future. I am by no means calling myself a Sage. But I will admit to being a voice of the Future, and Let me tell you; The Future is Now.
Sure, sure, sure… people have been saying that for a long time… but never in history (this time around) have We been able to reach such a critical mass of people, so quickly, who see through the bullshit; and know better than to wait on a Savior. THEY= YOU, know You have the ability to Save Yourself/ Us. You/We are just waiting on the 100th Monkey to pick up the straw, and go with it.
I know at some point, We will get our 100th Monkey… and I will not give up hope. Just as, in turn I will say; The journey has been crazy and worth it… and I am here to endure it. But at times I find We have neglected Our Own Divinity too long. It’s time to hop on Our Own Soul Train… We have had time to reflect on our past, we have been given opportunities to endlessly rehash… But Now, a new sun on a new horizon, and it is calling Us.
No more fussing and fighting. Time is calling for Re Uniting. And we are the ones to live in the New Sun, We are the Ones who bring the blessings of Eternal Guiding.
When I say Fuck This… I honor where we have been… and I get it.
When I say I want to move on, it is because my Soul says We Are Bound for SO Much MORE!
May you Master the Fuck Out of This Experience in order to be Confident in moving into the Next .
Well, I am home. And sort of in disbelief that I am here. It is so wierd. I went out tonight despite not sleeping for over 48 hours. I saw a bunch of people from high school. I didn’t want to talk to them; they looked really lost. The same old people hanging out with the same old people since God knows when.
I was glad I wasn’t them.
Then I started thinking… in your own little way, you are those people.
And throughout our relationship I tried to be those people despite the fact; that inside, I really didn’t want to be those people.
This is neither bad nor good. It is just yet another thing that makes us different.
I’ve never wanted that lifestyle. I feel, something else awaits me. Somewhere else.
And that’s okay. I’m willing to search until I find it.
You too will find something.
The “same old, same old” routine fits you, and you enjoy it…
Maybe you always will. Perhaps it fits your comfort level.
I am still waiting on my niche.
E, You are amazing in your own ways! And so creative; please, never become so comfortable with things, that you forget to expand your mind and your inspiration.
I am stoned right now. Sitting in a pop up camper in my parents back yard.
This letter probably makes no sense, but regardless, I am going to write it.
I always thought you put on the facade of “the well adjusted funny guy,” but as I have gotten to know you; I see that even you doubt yourself at times. And sometimes “sort of comfortable” is just comfortable enough.
Spread your fucking wings, E! DOOO IT! You can!
Listen to me, BAH Miss Wyoming.
I’m sorry we couldn’t just have our sweet perfect last day. But just as our first meeting paraded as perfect, we lived a farce and tried to birth truth and perfection…AHHH, how we tried! No worries.
We loved, we were wrong and diseased in our own ways.
We learned, we lost eachother, and gained knowledge.
Luck, and blessings to you.
I gave you my love, and part of my heart… but you must know I will ask for it back sometime down the road.
You can have yours back too…ya know… for someday down the road.
Good, bad, we did it all with passion and intensity. Thanks! I don’t hate you and never will. I am glad I feel this way.
I love you, boy. And the maturity we both need is just over the hill, almost at hand. But we both know, we are going to have to let go of all we know and accept as “normal” and “comfortable” to get there.
It’s just another leg in the journey. See you at the end?
To remove myself from the impending miserable situation, i am composing this;
agreed upon this date and time
i compose this little rhyme
about a girl in a bit of a mess
a situation leaving her feeling less
boy less drama and petty woes
homeless and poor
but on her toes
….this sucks, to add to a list of woes in my life, I have forgotten how to write. Or perhaps I have lost inspiration. Good poetry is born of misery? Who is reading happy poetry? Worse yet, who writes happy poetry?
I’d be happy if I was busy. And if I was busy, I wouldn’t have time to write poetry.
Those who are writing poetry and professing to be happy, sure must have a lot of time on their hands.
And this is some same old feeling… like I was 12 again.
Have I really matured?
How could it be that I have changed so much, if I still feel the same?
In this state of mind I am not sad about the current issue. At this moment I am completely detached from it.
Yes, I wish things were more convenient but it really isn’t a big deal.
You have people willing to help.
The things I am so attached to, about this relationship, are not things I need.
YOU, are independent, but you are required to be more responsible.
Watch your money, and don’t get too frustrated.
None of the people willing to help you will let you spend a night with out a roof over your head.
Regardless, it is your job to get out of this situation where you need help.
And it REALLY may mean putting some things on hold for a while to get other things in order.
Besides, you have postponed certain things til this point anyway.
Things may suck, but you really don’t know, a REALLY BAD situation. But you sure are afraid of experiencing one.
I know you think you can’t afford that right now…
First priority…make some cash.
Get out of where you are, take all graces, with gracefulness and respect.
Stay friends. Do not burn bridges… You may not plan on crossing them again, but you sure as hell have no reason to burn the one you exited across.
Not talking for a while is not as hard as you are making it. Just make the decision and stick to it. Get over it, stop being so dramatic. This is only going to be as dramatic as you make it.
You were expecting it, and you always said you would just “let it go.”
You are strong. You don’t need the attention you are seeking.
You can handle this . You can be calm and rational.
Better things are waiting.
If you keep freaking out, better things will never happen.
Roll with this, PLEASE!
You need a place, and a car.
Ugh, more bills? More responsibilities?
Comes with the territory.
Where you want to be depends on the individual importance.
Then he clasped his hands together, smiled, and said,
“This could be a good time!”
“There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are torn apart and will suffer greatly.
“Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above water. And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate.
At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, Least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.
The time for the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word struggle from you attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”
— attributed to an unnamed Hopi elder
(Here is an audio recording I made of my Ode to Water.)
Have you heard of my beautiful friend Water?
The innovator of the phrase “Let it Flow.”
You may have seen her, she gets around quite a bit
Oh that Sweet Water
She is quite the mover and shaker
She has friends all over , and all sorts adore her.
She came to be when her two gay Hydrogen Fathers approached their good friend Oxygen with the idea of creation
new life , beginning.
The conversation had been stirring that life had become a little to stagnant and sticky
The Hydrogens and Oxygen felt a need to let in a little flow
And despite their differences, felt a bit like innovators with their idea
It took a while to figure out a formula that worked…
But then those Hydrogen Fathers sandwiched Oxygen between themselves
And Water was born
Out of polarity came this Neutral Solvant
In a sense it was structured improvisation
All the elements working in their own way
Nature tending toward perfection
Despite how odd the occurrence, or how illogical it may seem
Within this improvisation was a creation of malleability
Water was a mischievous youth and a wonderful teacher
She has always been a fantastic imitator, with a photographic memory
She ran wild through the woods blessing all she could touch
Taking in everything it had to offer
Adding it to herself
And then moving on in her unique way
There was no boundary she could not reach beyond
Even when She was out of sight, she was still around
She traveled where ever her heart wanted to go
Growing large and vast
Connecting herself to everything she came into contact with
Leaving pieces of herself behind as to grow her ideas of prospective change
Ultimate mobility and convergence
Water was always ahead of her time
The other elements were a bit jealous of her ability to transmutate herself
Not realizing she was changing them, as she changed herself
In any situation or environment she touched
They marveled at her cooperative relationship to Temperature
And wondered at her ability to patiently weather all stages of her cycles
Even when she was at times Cold as Ice, she was still quite graceful
It was a common observation that she could be the most gentle of the elements
And also one of the most threatening.
When I was a child, my grandfather told me, “If you respect water, She will respect you; If you honor Her, she will teach you to Honor yourself.”
And when I would swim within that skin of Water, I would gently pull my arms down on her
Breaking the surface tension and submersing my self inside her
Thinking always, that she would hold me and move me along
As I grew, I became closer to Water, she enjoyed the respect and came to visit often
She would follow me on all my travels and she never complained about the weather
Except to say she thought the Desert had an unspoken grudge
Which was fine, because I rarely traveled anywhere but through the Desert to some other lush region
We talked long about the Desert, and its sense of helplessness that it disguises through resilience.
Water joked that anywhere she wasn’t allowed to hang out for too long, was no place for anyone to be
Some had accused Water of being a bit of a loiter at inconvenient times
Water knows more about this Earth and everyone on it than you could even imagine.
I suppose if she was anyone else she would be a big gossip, but actually she is a fantastic secret keeper
Water remembered every conversation, every thought, every prayer
She always knew my worries and needs
And when recognized would become the most brilliant amplifier
She absorbed every change, flowed through every integration
When others didn’t want to be like anyone else
Water was always totally herself, meaning to say
Water wanted to be EVERYONE and EVERYTHING always, and forever
Which is exactly what she is
Everything and nothing
She loves when you gaze within her shimmering eyes to see your own reflection
Because you are her, and she is you
She was born knowing that
It is her mission to share that knowledge, hence all of her worldly travels
From the tiniest blood vessel to the widest sea
She’s been there, all up in it
Sometimes she shares the beauty she has experienced through her snowflakes,
little perfect geometric shapes
Water captures prayers and praises and changes them into the most beautiful little expressions
And if you stare at the sky and attempt to catch them on your tongue
Did you know you are taking inside of yourself; someone elses prayer or affirmation as it falls back to earth.
You are sharing a piece of someone else, which has inherently been recorded and crystallized by Water?
When you bathe in water you are sitting in a collection of thoughts and experiences and eliminations.
And Water is in bliss when you finally see it for yourself
Water tells us that just as she must come, she must go
And as she gathers along her way, she must release
She reminds us that as we take time to eliminate her from our bodies, through exertion and elimination
She says it’s good to consciously get rid of old thoughts that are no longer serving us
And that it is also a process in the cycle to appreciate and honor
At times it may seem Water is stressed out by life
Angered by the sight of pain and dis-ease
And she will come wailing in from the sky hitting eyes of passers by as they run for shelter
In her seeming helter skelter
And people curse her for reigning down
Thinking, something as gentle as water should never create waves
But some days she can’t help herself. She can be a catalytic force to be reckoned with.
It would be ridiculous to think one with such a brilliant memory would remember to be gentle all the time
Think of all the pain and destruction she has seen not at her own hand
Like tears in your eyes sometimes things need to be washed away
To clean house and start over
She has shared so much of herself with us
And we have unconsciously given back so much crap
That at times it seems like she is attacking
But She, just as we, at times need to purge
What most fail to see is the lesson of our own reflection
Our willingness toward emotional pollution
Our blames and lack of solutions
Our anger at our environment and ourselves
Our desire for help
But our unwillingness to change
What if change just means perspective
Water has been teaching us the whole time that our ability to handle all of this is within our control
But we let go of our cooperation some time ago
Slowly there are those hoping to win it back
They see the potential of fluidity in humanity
They understand the plan at the hand of Water
They want her to guide us
Because she cut her own path
And she constantly goes back to Source
She learns and takes with her wherever she goes
She flows freely, changing environmentally, adding to biology
Always giving back
Her consciousness is ALL of US
We can not exist with out what she has to offer
Her filing cabinet is the planet,
It is the record keeper and proof that she was here and somehow, someway made a difference
Now is our chance to share our appreciation for Water
If everyday we choose to Bless her, she will be more willing to share her secrets with us
The first secret is this, you are never far from Truth and change than when this you do
Say, “Water, Great recorder keeper, Great Transmutator, Blessed Giver of Life
I honor You, I thank you! I love you, for you are the cutter of the path, the source of moisture to the Earth, Vapor of the Rainbows, A silent White morning Evident in our Sky
You flow around me, through me, and back to the Earth
Constantly changing , and yet always staying in some form
Water, I bless you, I honor you
Thank you Great Teacher
I walk in the path of respect for You”
Thank her daily, and her secrets will seep inside of you
One must ask first for her knowledge
It is part of sacred development to learn to ask for it
And then to be willing to receive what She has to offer
She teaches her lessons many ways, and one must not judge it with any sense of duality
Water is not good or bad
She is what she is.
The reflection of the observer
Blessed to have her as a Great Teacher
Always blessed to be her Student
But this too is perspective,
Water has been known to manipulate change in the perspectives of others
The difference is in the conscious realization
Which is when she says to you “let it flow. Just let it go and ride with it.
Take a deep breathe, keep your eyes open and drop off the edge
Get really, really wet
Don’t fight the current, watch out for obstruction
Sometimes, I think it is possible that we hold things in for too long, yep, even I am guilty of holding a fart in for too long… But I am talking deeper than gas. “Deeper?” you ask. Yeah. Deeper.
Honestly, I want to be proud of myself for handling death so well in my life.
YAY! High five, Mandie!
Yeah, I want to say, “YOU know what? I have had tremendous loss in my life, and it’s OKAY, it’s FINE. I TOTALLY DEAL WITH IT, I have a different sort of relationship to death…” and then I walk away with a crazy look in my eye.
The fact is, I usually deliver those exact lines with a very sweet tone, and walk off with a little bit of superiority over those who couldn’t possibly fathom what it is to loose people close to you.
Great, I am using loss as a way to be self righteous… just as I was thinking I might be humble.
The fact is, I am going to call my family out, hell I am going to call out any of you who don’t discuss it… WE MISS PEOPLE BEING THERE IN PHYSICALITY.
We miss seeing people age, and grow, and evolve. We miss late night conversations on the phone, advice, the sound of their voice. Some of us just miss what we never really knew to begin with, and then we based our imaginative relations off of what was observed in the lives of others. Some of my observations of YOU and your lives at times has sparked with in me jealousy… Oh yes, even you….
Tonight, I was thinking about my brother, who is now gone, and earlier I was thinking of the mother I lost.
And I was thinking about how pissed I am on one sense; that my brother left me in this awkward situation that almost feels like divorce where the kids split with each parent. Kevin and my mom got to transition to, you know… some other plane of reality, and I got to stay here with my dad… on Earth? (Come on kids you know I am a big thinker who wants people to be Organically Super Human…)
I love my dad to all ends of the Universe and back, but it’s like Kevin got some other end of the deal… like all that missing and wanting I had for my mother, he somehow got to fulfill for himself.. before ME!….I feel it was a bit, preemptive.
I am the oldest, in all conventional thought; which I have not yet purged obviously, says: the oldest dies first.
That happens to be the struggle of any parent who lost a child.
My grandparents lost my mom when she was 26.
My brother was gone months before he turned 24.
No wonder no one wants to talk about it… Parents don’t like to discuss the sad fates of their children… and let’s give my dad a double whammy for losing his wife at 26 and then going another round with young death again 23 years down the road with off spring of his dead bride…
This may be tough to read, but it’s all true, and it’s been bothering me for a while. Perhaps you understand?
I have a half sister, but I am what remains of the interaction that was my birth mother and my father’s DNA. At 30, I have out lived them both.
My step mother and half sister, will never really understand how awkward this life has been, (for me.) They have each other to talk to. They have their relationship that has a physical beginning and continuing evolution…
Perhaps a point of jealousy in my life, I use to commiserate with my brother about…
This stuff sucks to write “out loud” but it’s part of what has happened that makes me feel this overwhelming urge to cry, but really, I can’t. It feels contrived, and fake.
I guess, really I just have to say it out loud. It lurks at the back of the mind and the corner of the heart and festers.
It saddens me, but only in the most conventional of ways. I wonder if I would be making late night phone calls to guy friends with girlfriends, if maybe I had a brother, or maybe even a mother to call.
I don’t know. Again I ask why it is, they got to leave?
Why is it that even in my darkest times, when I wished life away, still, here I stay, in physicality.
Why at times does it feel so lonely?
I have my own answers and I will continue to spread joy, but loss…. oh that loss of those loved, still lingers in the painful heart strings embedded in muscle, deep in my memory.
It is not an excuse to be a victim, or superior, rather it is the reminder to cherish all that is in the moment, and those who share it with you.
I do have a different relationship to death, than many do.
However evolved or different it may be, does not restrict me from feeling that occasional tug at my heart and mind, that longing of companionship linked in blood and experience.
Hell, that’s why the “Reunion” is so popular. the gathering of shared experience and the sprinkle of time spent apart changing.
Enjoy one another, be blessed with each others presence. Physicality is a special, and yet very temporary experience.
We will meet again, another time; another place, in some other form. But this experience is; in a sense, one in a billion.
The light and the dark are each beautiful because each of you dance between those worlds bound in your physical body. Bound to learn how limitless you actually are.
That is death; limitless, expansive energy. Reconnected to Source, and yet still present.
Music; memories, pictures, lessons learned and given are the remnants of physicality.
The Eternal Soul, is just that. Conscious Energy going back into a system of Co-Creative Learning , leaving material signs along the way. A sort of ethereal scribbling on the bathroom wall “I WAS HERE.”
My brother and mother inspire me, every day. I did not know them “all the way.” But their influence and muse runs in my blood and through my pen, or paint, or speech. They were creative people with short lives… I am a creative being who still has life…
May I be blessed then, with the talent of all of us, THREE! Responsibility for the art that was left un-manifest, but lingering in the imagination!