When suffering from depression, or mental illness; it can be very hard to live in domestic partnerships. This is especially true, when the partner of the sufferer, has no interest in gaining coping skills to off set some of the dramatic emotional upheavals that are bound to occur.
We don’t plan our depressions; it can take years and years of self awareness to pin point all the potential triggers, as often times they tend to be more subconscious programs. Dates, places, and phrases can, and often times, will set off a new bout of despair.
When the despair hits, it leads to an overwhelming feeling of being misunderstood, and alienated. These feelings amplify self criticism; making the already annoying self critical response clock in off the charts. A pervasive weight of ” I can do nothing right.” and “It’s all my fault.”
The thoughts and feelings that you may have had on “good days” now are second guessed and reduced to illusion. That voice of illusion, says “No one really loves you. No one ever will.”
It’s hard not to feel crazy when logic and emotion collide in the confusion of depression.
This is a piece I wrote while in a domestic partnership, that led me to spending a night in jail for domestic violence. I started attending drug, alcohol, and domestic abuse classes for court.
Many times through the 7 months that I attended, I asked my partner to come with me; as I felt they were sharing a lot of useful information. I also thought it would put us on the same page, so that we could move forward, together.
However, he was not interested in those classes; which said to me, he didn’t really care about Us. It broke my heart, and inevitably we split up. For years, I wondered, “what if? What if he was invested in my desire to get better? ”
I have since had to move on from that, and accept where I am, and who I am today. I know that not just any one can handle the unforeseen upsets of the future. It will require strength, patience, and cooperation.
When Words Signal the End.
This frustration builds. This love, a lie. And I am burning for more than this disappointment.
I am yearning for more than this fear of abandonment.
Alone with these thoughts and feeling, despite the activity around me; this soul is closed. All the doors are closed.
We can’t communicate. You say my reality isn’t valid.
It really isn’t yours to judge, but you do; constantly.
You blame me for being some fucked up artist.
It isn’t that, at all.
Can’t you see, sometimes we are both wrong.
No. You control. You blame. Nothing changes.
You bribe the master, waiving possibilities in my face. Nothing is ever manifest; it finds itself as watered down truths, dripping lies from your lips.
I am down, because you keep me there.
I am mad, because you show you care, in the most fucked up ways.
Days later, you apologize; so we keep riding the storm.
Love borne Hate. Emancipation is evident. All of this too late.
I am debating my hate; trying to hold my love, but I am drowning.
It’s astounding to watch from the wings, as I take swings at your face.
Wasting time, like it’s easy to buy; when really it’s hard to replace.
I want for you to show me something real; but the wheel of life turns and this heart burns with heartache.
Love is a dish best served cold, old and mouldy upon a paper plate. Swarming with fly larvae,
It isn’t tangible; it causes vertigo as my brain starts to go south.
My mouth a cesspool of verbs and curving words; they slice like a knife, through this paper flesh.
Should I regret this venture?
It’s too late, this path paved with good intentions, gone awry.
The repetitive question; Why, why, why me?
Why this mess? Why?
I confess; I am the mess. I am the beast with talon feet. I am the rage and the endless sadness. The builder of madness and tears that never seem to dry.
I try, but you call me the catalyst… The baddest bitch, you know.
Blow by blow your words knock me down, and add to the scowling.
Sweet inner child caught in the frowning, forgetting recollections; the brief reflections of innocence.
I am just an artist, with nothing to show; but a hole in my head where I’ve let these words go.
Are you familiar with the action of a wrecking ball?
That is Sara Goossen in a nutshell. The lady is powerful, energetic, and ready to knock excuses out of the way. She is a bright and compassionate person who sees the potential in people and then helps individuals harness their inner bad ass. This talent is an imperative staple in her personal business model.
October 1, 2012, Sara opened Fit Body Boot Camp- Cheyenne, with 14 clients. Her goal is to change the lives of 5000 of Cheyenne’s citizens by 2017. As of April 2015, she has trained and cultivated a community of 1200 residents who are interested in adopting a healthy life style. That is an average of 400 people a year, getting active and aware in the fair city of Cheyenne and it’s surrounding areas. No small feat for this 5’3″ wrecking ball.
Sara and I got together to discuss her fitness past and her optimistic fitness future; how she came to start FBBC and some of her own trials and tribulations in the fitness process.
Before I jump into the interview, I would like to state that when you are looking for a gym, and a support system to help you change your habits; having a leader like Sara is imperative because she has run the gamut of unhealthy eating and body weight issues. She has children, she knows struggles and excuses. She has taken initiative on her own, in her own life in order to transcend her past hang ups. In turn Sara has turned hardships into valuable insight for those at any point in their fitness journey.
It may be easier for certain people to take her ethic very seriously because she didn’t start out on this lifestyle right after high school or college before having children; when most women’s bodies are still in that youthful metabolism. She wasn’t always healthy. It was a choice that she had to dedicate herself to; which meant a long road of challenges that led to the changes that are evident in her today.
Let’s find out more, shall we?
WEIGHT: 145.3 lbs
FAVORITE EXERCISE: RUNNING STAIRS, WORKING THE BACK, AND SQUATS
LEAST FAVORITE EXERCISE: BUILDING CLIMBERS
Let’s talk about your fitness past, eating disorders, all that stuff.
It goes so far back, it’s disturbing… so, okay, 10 years old; my mom told me I needed to stop eating granola bars because they were making me fat and at that point in time I had just finished some book, I can’t remember the title of, and it was talking abou this girl who would throw up, because she was so fat. So…I…followed suit.
Thank God for Children’s Literature, right?
Yeah, I was like, “Well, now I am well informed and I can solve this problem.
(Sara reminences with awkward laughter.)
So, at ten years old that started fourteen years of just roller coaster disordered eating; ranging the spectrum of binging and purging to just starving myself. When I got pregnant with my son, when I was sixteen, I kind of just said “Fuck it. It doesn’t matter if I am skinny; it doesn’t matter if I am fat…I am pregnant. I can eat whatever I want and have no guilt.” I gained 50 pounds when I was pregnant with him, and I lost ten. I lost some weight nursing, but after I stopped nursing him, I continued the disordered eating cycle.
Just picked it up where you left off?
Yep, just picked it up right where I left off. And I knew… I was an athlete in high school, I knew about nutrition but it’s not something that I ever listened to because disordered eating was so much easier than learning how to feed myself. At nineteen I married my now ex-husband, (my daughters’ father) and gained all that “happy weight” I maxed out the scale before we got married, at 197 lbs…. so, I looked like a cow in my wedding dress.
Thank god for girdles….
After that we were trying to get pregnant with Emma, and couldn’t get pregnant… couldn’t get pregnant. We tried for two years, and I finally went to the doctor and asked “what is going on?” I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and the doctor told me that I had to make a lifestyle change, or else…. “you’re going to end up with diabetes; you are more apt to have certain types of cancer, you are just going to get fatter, your thyriod is going to peter out…” All the things that go along with PCOS… “This is your future. You either make a change now or enjoy your future where it is headed.”
At that point I sought help because I knew my disorder was no longer a sustainable way to live life. It wasn’t mentally or emotionally healthy.
So I lost about 20 lbs. and we got pregnant with Emma through a series of fertility treatments. When I was pregnant with Emma I only gained about 20 lbs and then I lost it all right away. At that point they (the doctors) said “Well you are probably not going to be able to have any more children, so don’t worry about it.” And I thought, okay, cool; I am just going to go back to doing the whole weight loss thing, because I still had fifty pounds to go.
So I lost another twenty pounds, and then I got pregnant with my daughter Ileena… BOOM! I remember going to my dads house and saying, “Well… I am pregnant again just when I was gettting my ‘sexy’ back.” My grandma looks at me and says “Well honey, maybe that’s the problem.”
Double edged sword on that one…
Yeah! So I got pregnant and did that whole thing and I only gained fifteen pounds with Ailena , and I lost that all right away. November 2009 I found Body For Life, Bill Phillips, transformation.com ; whom I heard about from my step-mom. So I thought, I am going to try this thing. (Everybody thought I was crazy for starting during the holidays.) It was pretty easy; three days of lifting, three days of cardio, all high intensity intervals. By doing that the next three months I was able to loose the rest of the weight. About half way through that three month process I was like “Ya, know, I want to help other people because I can do this as some one who has struggled their whole life with eating well and taking care of themselves … I can help some one else do this.”
I got my personal training certification.
How long did that take you?
It was about four months and about that time I was working for my dad as his administrative assistant amoung other things. I decided that I would try this training thing before and after work, and see what happens. I did that and it just blew up, so in June 2010, I quit my job working for my dad and I started training full time.
I was doing a lot of one on one training and two boot camp sessions at a local gym. I was making money, doing something I love. I worked there for two years and I left because there were some issues that made it neccessary for me to get out of that environment. I decided, I am just going to start my own place; I left and they came after me with for violating my no-compete/ no-solicitation agreement.
Looking back, I was so mad at the time. I was furious, like how could they do this? How can this stand up? Well, it stood up because I had solicited the people who had signed up with me, but were also their clients. I had to take a year off of training and I went back to working for my dad for a year and within that year I knew I needed to do something. I was miserable.
When you are following a life of passion and suddenly it is taken away; it’s like the wind has been knocked out of your sails. You don’t even feel like a human being. I started looking down in Colorado for places I could move to and open up. I was doing all this during the same time I was being sued and working for my dad; I also had gotten a divorce from my kids father. It was everything that could go wrong, did.
I was at an impass; like shit, what do I do?
I looked down in Boulder and I spent about six months driving back and forth, just looking for a location I could open up. I encountered road block after road block.
By this point I had already talked to the CEO of Fit Body, who has been a long time friend. I told them, I want to do this but I have to wait until this year is up or I am screwed.
Was that part of your Non-compete agreement? Did you have a time limit to wait?
Yes, that was the year. One year to the day, October 1, 2012; we opened up with fourteen clients. I was just so excited to be open and be able to do what I love to do. That’s it… the rest is history. Here we are today; looking for another space, a bigger place… sitting down with the bank and talking about bigger loans.
That’s pretty quick, only three years.
Yeah, less than three years actually.
How do you know the CEO of Fit Body?
The fitness industry is so small, it really is. So if you don’t know every one you soon will if you stay in it long enough. I met him doing a master mind. I was in there with the two founders of Fit Body Boot Camp, Steve Hochman and Bedros Keuilian. I was in Steve’s Master Mind and through that I met Bedros. We had several conversations and talked on the phone several times, emailed back and forth; He called me up one day and said ” What’s it going to take to get you to open a Fit Body? And I told him, “You know what it will take, you know what I am up against right now. It’s going to have to take one hell of a deal and some patience and that is where it’s at.” So he said “Alright, let’s make it happen.”
At this point it was going from licensing to a franchise, so they were looking for people and I just happened to be one of those people.
Do you get together with other gym owners?
I do know a lot of the Fit Body owners simply because we get together quarterly; every three months, usually in San Diego or Chino Hills, California. There is a great community with in Fit Body, even from a corporate structure coming all the way down to the clients. It’s nice that we can just continue to pay it forward. It’s pretty cool, and a very unique situation.
Would you like to talk about your competition stuff?
OH YEAH! Sure! I don’t want to bore you to tears with business.
I first competed in August of 2011, I also ran the Denver half marathon in October 2010, and after that I gave myself permission to never run again. (laughter.) I find it really useless and painful. It turns out I am better suited for lifting heavy things than go fast.
Did you do this on your year of sabbatical?
No, it was right before everything blew up in my face. Then I competed in my second figure show August 2013.
Did you win anything?
I did. I placed 5th in the second show, I was pretty excited about that. Granted there were only six figure competitors, so I was 5th, but I was happy to have something to take home, regardless.
My first show I did there were 36 figure competitors, and I think I finished 34th. So I was like, “I think I have improved!”
Were these in Wyoming?
The one in 2011 was in Loveland, Colorado. The Warrior Classic, and the other one was in Wyoming, and that was the Jay Cutler Classic. And that Dude, is a Big Dude. I have a picture of him somewhere.
He was there?
Yeah, he is huge! He is a moose of a man! My head is as big as his shoulder!
He could pick you up in the palm of his hand!
Honestly I am getting the bug again, to compete. I am trying to weigh out the time commitment that it takes, along with my other obligations to see what it will take… if it’s something I can feasibly do right now while keeping everything else balanced. I do love competing .
If you wait to have your own place, you could put on your own competition, in house competition. Then you won’t have to go too far.
That is one of the most fun things about competition; you get to meet so many interesting people from all over the country. People who are busting their asses just to get super lean for just a minute. It literally lasts a day. You deplete enough to have a six pack for a day, and then you gain 20 pounds the next day because you drink water. It’s crazy.
It would be interesting to time lapse a person going through the build up to competition, and then the 24 hours afterward. Once you get the tanner off, and start drinking water again, it’s like what the hell? You blossom like a flower.
You still eat, you carb load the day of to fill out your muscles because you have depleted to the point that you have taken all the glycogen and striped your body of literally everything. It’s not something you want to do often because it is kind of dangerous, BUT, it’s still fun to push your mental ability and physical barriers. That is big for me, because I love the challenge.
Are you a challenge junkie?
I totally am! I love the personal challenge. Competing against other people is fun, but figure prep is anywhere from 2-5 months.
It’s kind of interesting that you have struggled with disordered eating which is in and of itself sort of an addiction, and pushing your body to a limit and challenging it, but not in a very healthy way. And here you have turned your addiction around to a healthier way of expressing it. Yet, there are still these extremes that you go to.
It totally is. What I think helps me with competing and the lifestyle of body building is the structure that it provides. It’s like a security blanket. You take some one with an eating disorder who has struggled with that their entire life, and you say, “you don’t have to struggle, here is some structure. Have a nice day.” It’s like, “okay, this is safe.”
Then the biggest struggle, is will power to be able to keep on the regamine.
Yeah, it’s like any other fitness goals… as long as you have that dead line… the finish line at the end; it makes it that much easier. It’s not like you have to do this for a lifetime or else… It’s here is your dead line, and then you reset the goal. And that is something that is really, really exciting for me.
Through competing I learned to accept my body, where ever it is; whether I am 120 pounds or 145. I am still strong, I am still beautiful and I am still worthy of love and acceptance and success. That is one of those things that I have accidentally learned through the process. It is a by product.
I know a lot of people who compete who struggle with that mindset. Like if they don’t have a six pack they are done for. They are like “Oh My God, My Life Is OVER!”
It basically boils down to bulemia or dysmorphia. It’s all activated on the same brain wave length, same neurological pathway. It’s been nice to find freedom from that as I have gotten older. To not be stressed out about the numbers, to see yourself and be like “You look good!”
IT’s a good example to your kids, too.
I hope so. Sometimes I wonder, “am I ruining these little people?”
Instead of “You’re the reason mommy has a drinking problem,” it’s more like “You are the reason mommy has an exercise problem.”
That’s funny beacause when I took two months off earlier this year, my kids were like “what is wrong with her?” I did not feel like myself. I felt like I was insane most days; like absolutely bat shit crazy.
You needed to be exerting yourself.
Yeah, I needed that rush of endorphins and I think it was something that I had always taken for granted because I have been doing it for so long, it’s just been part of my life for so long. When I completely took it out, I had no idea the impact it would have on me. Not just physically but spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I got to tell you, the week we started working out again, my husband and I; He was like “Gosh you are so much easier to be around.” And I knew he meant that in the sweetest way possible, instead of being a jerk, and I was like “I know, trust me, it’s easier to be in my head.” I went to the doctor and I asked am I schitzophrenic, what is going on here? And she said “I think you are depressed.” And I just needed exercise.
So tell me about your favorite success story to come out of here.
My favorite one, honestly, is from when I very, very first started. He followed me when I opened Fit Body. His name is Austin, he was 16 when he came to me he was 386 lbs. and he was tall and huge. He knew he had a problem. He was home schooled so he didn’t have a lot of interaction with other kids. The reason he was home schooled was because when he was in school, the other kids were just horrible to him because he was so big and kind of awkward and quiet.
He would come, every single day to Boot Camp. At that point in time, they were 1 1/2 hour sessions, he would show up at 6:00 AM, every day. And even if he couldn’t do it, he would struggle through it.
He asked me, “what do I eat? how do I do it?”
His mom was onboard, but I didn’t see her much. Sometimes she would come and walk while he did Boot Camp. Every now and then she would come talk to me, well when I took the year off, Austin started power lifting and he took his focus off the weight loss. Then he came over to Fit Body when I opened, and he brought his mother with him, and they did it together.
It was just so, so, so cool. He ended up losing 110 lbs by the time he was 19. Then they moved to Oregon. He was such a great, great kid. It was just so cool to see how he was able to influence his mom because it’s usually the parents who influence the kids. He was able to influence his mom after two years of going at it by himself.
Was she also over-weight?
Yes, she was, but such a nice, nice gal. I look back on those two, especially Austin and I think “That kid could have made every excuse in the world because teenagers do, adults do. Teenagers learn from what the adults model.” He just was like “I am tired of this. I am tired of being the ‘fat kid’. I don’t mind being a ‘big kid’, I am 6’3″. But I am tired of being the ‘fat kid'”
The last Halloween he was here, he dressed up as The Hulk; and that involved taking off his shirt, and painting himself green, and walking around with out a shirt on. Two years prior to that you would have never seen him do that. It was so cool to see him blossom from this awkward quiet, video gamer (indoor) kid to this little ball of life and energy, and sass.
It was fun to not only see his journey of weight loss but also to see how he grew as a person. To see him evolve into an adult from a kid that just didn’t want to be fat and made fun of.
Do you stay in contact with him?
I do. I stay more into contact with his mom because he is a young adult now and all over the place.
It would be interesting to see if he takes a career in Fitness from this influence. It seems like people who a great at teaching come from a past of being ostersized.
So, we have touched on this, but obviously Fitness has a positive effect on your homelife.
Oh God, yeah! The kids are like “Mom, go work out, you are driving us crazy.” It is also nice though, because my husband and I can share it together. Every morning Monday through Saturday we go work out together, and then go to work and do our thing. It’s been a good bonding experience for us too. Although it did take us three years for him to come and work out with me. The first time we exercised together, he was having a bad day and we were just friends at the time. I was like “he’s having a bad day, just go lift, and he will be fine.” Well a half hour in, he is dry heaving on himself, and I was like ” I thought you were in shape?” Well, after that he didn’t come back to work out with me for three years. And he comes to boot camp, and he makes it through the whole thing, and after that he said “I am going to have to wait until you are ‘deconditioned’ a little before we can work out together.”
He took the oppertunity while I took two months off to “even the playing field.”
Since then it has been nice, in the last couple of months to have that morning time with my husband because we have five kids… we need that time together. It’s nice to have that time and cheer each other on.
What are some of your future goals?
Really my mission is just to help people and it always has been. I am in the business of changing lives and if I am not changing lives, then I am doing something wrong.
YOU RUINED MY LIFE THROUGH EXERCISE!
Ha, ha! Oh man, if some one said that to me, I would have to reevalute everything. I really do just want to leave an impact on this world. And, Cheyenne… God Bless it, and all of it’s citizens; (but Cheyenne) is a FAT city. Overweight, unhealthy; spiritually, mentally and physically. People are over worked and under paid, or over worked and over paid. They have little or no time for their families , no time for themselves; no time to do anything. So we have people spinning their wheels, but for what? At the end of the day if you don’t have your health, you have nothing left. I don’t want to out live my children. I see obese kids around and I want to slap their parents. I don’t want to beat the kids, but I want to slap the parents. It makes me so mad. But then I look at it, and you have to change the lives of the parents before you can change the lives of the children. At the end of the day, it is our job as adults to make those responsible decisions. It isn’t easy, but it is our responsiblity.
It’s in my heart to change the health of this community, if not the entire community of Wyoming, but that’s a long way off down the road. I want to continue to make a difference in peoples health and in their lives.
Thirty minutes of exercise might not seem like much, but it can change how a wife treats her husband. She is in a better mood, she feels better about herself, she feels more attractive… she actually wants to be with her husband instead of saying ” I don’t see what you see, at all.”
It changes how a mother treats her children because she has more energy, she will want to take them to the park, or go hiking and do stuff. Or maybe she is just in a better mood and doesn’t want to paddle their butts just for being little people.
It is just fitness, it is just a work out… but it can change EVERYTHING. I have seen it with myself. I saw it when I started my journey years ago and I still see it today. If I don’t work out, I need to work out because I start feeling ‘cagey’ inside. Anxious.
What has your biggest triumph been in your personal fitness journey?
I think just staying the course. Every day is a new day. I can’t say one event has been a real defining moment in my health and fitness journey. I think it just staying course with the lifestyle. I mean sometimes I fall off, just like anyone. I go on a little cookie diet, when I feel stressed, and then I gain eight pounds and then I have to lose it again. At the end of the day just knowing that I am doing what I need to be doing is just great. But when I am not doing that I can tell a difference. So for me, it’s just committing to the lifestyle.
Is there anything you would want to change?
No. Not really because I believe even the hard stuff is lessons. And I think I am far more grateful now toward some of the hardships that I went through. When you look back at it, it just gives you an oppertunity to learn about yourself; to learn about others and the way the world works. Hardships are often self inflicted. So if anything it’s just learning about who I am and who I want to be and who I do not want to be. It’s just about growing up.
Would you like to give any tips or inspiration?
It’s just about consistency. You have to pick and plan and be consistent. It doesn’t matter what your plan is, as long as it has some good foundation of physical health, mental health and spiritual health. Even if it’s CrossFit or lifting or body building or boot camp; whatever it is, I think it’s just about picking something that works for you and stick with it. I know Boot Camp isn’t for everyone. I wish it was. At the end of the day finding something that works and sticking with it long enough to get results. So many people just go about their life by starting a new program every two weeks, saying “But I am just not getting results.” and I am like “Dude, it’s only been two weeks. Do you know how long it took me to lose 70 pounds?”
How long did it take you?
Beginning to end it took three years. Granted I got pregnant twice in between, but it took me three years to lose that 70 pounds. It’s not going to happen over night.
After spending all this time taking other peoples measurements; when do people, on average see a difference for themselves and accept that change is occurring?
Typically eight weeks, especially for women. I call it an 8 Week Miracle. Literally nothing on the scale can change and inches may not change, but may be your clothes fit differently. For whatever reason the inches may not change, your body fat may not change, and then one day you wake up and somewhere between the bedroom and the bathroom, you realize you lost your ass. It’s like it’s just fallen off somwhere and you hop on the scale and you are down ten pounds from the night before. And you will be like “what the hell? My scale must be broken.”
So you call in a spouse or a loved one and you have them hop on the scale and it says what it always says to them, and you hop back on there and it says the same thing, “you are down 10 lbs.”
You have to trust the process, long enough. Not just “half commit.”
“Oh I am just gonna work out for eight weeks and hope that everything is going to happen. You have to have a plan. Have a plan of attack and exicute it flawlessly. Even if you have one bad day, okay, perfect; get back on the band wagon, but don’t let that one bad day or one bad meal derail you for the next six months.
So I think that is the key. Consistency. You have to be consistent, no matter what. And that goes with anything; if it’s fitness related, or business related, or if you want better relationships. What ever it is, BE CONSISTENT! STICK WITH YOUR PLAN! Things WILL change.
In summery; Knowledge, is the awareness that all action has a reaction, and Wisdom, is using that awareness to your advantage whilst utilizing all available resources.
Fit Body Boot Camp works because of the significant insight that the program lends through collaborative Wisdom and Experience.
Fit Body Boot Camp is calling out more of Cheyenne to get involved in their fitness; and during the month of May we are taking extra efforts to expose residents to the opportunity. If you have been following this blog and you are tempted to try it; COME ON DOWN! Let them know you read this blog and that it has helped you to take the first step in health and wellness; or if you are new to town and looking for a fitness community and this seems up your alley, come take a test drive.
If this article interests you and you would like to read more, check out these related blogs. And as always I appreciate “likes”, comments, suggestions and subscribers; so please feel free to interact. And remember kids, Fitness is great, but Burpees SUCK!
I made a mistake today. I did something that I had purposefully been avoiding, knowing if I did it, it would make my head spin and send me out of control emotionally. But I went ahead and did it anyway.
I weighed myself.
I didn’t really need to do it. I can look at myself with or without a mirror, and tell with certainty, shit ain’t right. But I did it anyway, as some sort of sick confirmation of my misery.
Over the last 3 years I have lived the most stagnant life I have ever had the privilege of living. I take care of my 87 year old grandmother. And though I love her dearly, my chosen obligation has absolutely derailed my previous life styles.
I spend 90 percent of my time at home within easy reach of my grandmother. And the small luxuries of my previous lives that I have maintained are drinking heady beers, and eating amazing home cooked food.
My weight wouldn’t matter as much if those were not the only two little bliss factors in my life.
I am use to being quite social, active, and involved in mentally and physically engaging activities. I am use to working hard, and playing hard, metabolizing both alcohol and experience.
Instead I have become well versed in Netflix, and drinking alone. Not drinking to get drunk, mind you. Drinking because I love beer.
Today is day 5 of not drinking. My body is going through a disgusting skin detox.
I stood naked before my shower, looking in the mirror, muttering to myself, “I really shouldn’t weigh myself. It is a bad idea.”
I responded by pulling the scale out of the cabinet. Stepping up, looking down. Which led to crying.
I know that concepts of beauty are not entirely tied into how much a person weighs. Beauty is a thing from within, that is sometimes evident without. I do not feel beautiful on either side of the coin. I have been strategically hiding behind costumes in order to play a role of comfort and confidence.
I have seen myself be physically content with my body before, and it is the best feeling EVER! Why? Because it becomes one less thing to worry about on a day to day basis. When I am happy with my physical appearance, I feel more capable of handing other aspects of living. No one likes the girl who is constantly worried about how she looks because she doesn’t have the confidence to radiate.
Facing the truth of how my body has morphed over the last 3 years, happened about a month ago. I stood to a challenge and went to an comedy open mic. I recorded my set. The set wasn’t bad at all, but I couldn’t get over how my once toned arms, radiated white like big wings on a bird. They seem huge.
I use to joke that women need great girl friends that will let them know when they start to get back fat. I haven’t had any girl friends around lately to remind me of my appearance. I mean what do I have to look good for when I am at home with an elderly lady 90% of the time?
The hardest part of all of this, is realizing that how I look and feel is a byproduct of me not being in the right place for me. The situation has muddled my once sharp brain, into a reclusive and miserable person. I don’t like it at all. It is hard to radiate beauty when feeling so despondent and under inspired.
I am facing the fact, that the time is drawing near to leave. I have to go.
I love my grandma with all of my heart, and I want to see her be safe and healthy, but at what cost?
I have cost my own health and well being to be with her in some respite.
People treat me like I am doing some sort of martyrdom in this experience. But I do not feel like a martyr. I feel that I haven’t done as well as I could or should have. And that feeling isn’t getting any better. I wouldn’t be surprised if all this gain has something to do with the massive amounts of cortisol I am undoubtedly producing within my stagnant stress barrier.
I have become so stuck, I am not sure what direction to go to get out of it. I just know I need to move, and shift, and stretch, and run far, far away from the anchor I have bound myself to.
I would love to spend a month with raw foodies, with active, patient lives. I would like to take the time to reprogram my neuroplasticity into a vibe more along where my heart sings.
I feel inclined to run back to other versions of my past, while truly desiring to make something new and redefined for myself. But I don’t know where to go, I don’t know who to ask. And maybe I won’t, until I just get out of the parameter I have found myself choosing to be stuck inside.
I want to feel beauty, and beautiful. I want to radiate more than I ever have before. I want to make something happen, or be apart of what is happening. A feeling that would be in juxtaposition of how the last three years have felt like, waiting.
I am too young to be waiting on death, and that is the place I have been.
I know I can’t wait on health and wellness to find me. And I know I can’t wait for myself to just get over what I am feeling.
Money only moves me through some sort of necessary need when required because of the greater whole which subscribes to such fiction.
Guess what? I wanted a nice bike… and some one ditched a sweet 1968 Schwinn 3 speed Breeze in my alleyway near my trash. All it needs are some new break cables and some break pads, a little polish on the chrome… and shit… it even has a basket. A bike in this condition though old and salvaged, could easily get about 300 bones. Not bad, for something I neither stole, liberated, or bought. I look the local lost and found everyday, just in case someone else stole it and ditched it. It’s been about three weeks and nothing. Quite frankly, I don’t feel terrible about it.
I’m not trying to get all “The Secret” on you… but I have wanted a bike like this for a long time… with out some psychotic wanting. There were no “dream boards” in this “Mandie-festation.”
The “Light working” community say all the “right” things… but, they have given up the dream that ANYTHING can happen… with out money.
What is innovation? A great idea manifest. People are innovating new technology all the time. Sometimes the prototype is made from this and that, and isn’t the highest in recent tech… but it still stands for innovation in evolution.
People who want things to happen, do not require money to make it happen, they just do what they have to do in order to manifest the vision. All things start as an idea, and that idea requires participation. Even big ideas, sometimes only have the participation of one person. That person will participate all their resources to make it real… but at the end of the day, if they are looking for mass production it is going to cost money.
It may help the world; but it will cost some and benefit others. In fact the benefit of it may even monetarily drain the same people it is “helping” while floating those who monetarily supported the project…(i.e. pharmaceuticals.)
Did money invent electricity? Did money design the first plane? Did money grow the trees that build the house you live in?
NOOOOO dude… people with good ideas created these things. And these ideas were gifted on them for free by experience and participation.
Money is fiction. Money is our sour middle man. Money pretends to offer luxury that is actually afforded ALL, because innovation is a spark of the mind and spirit, and the things we create come from what we know already exists. Money is the buffer that keeps us from believing we are worth more, or that we can attain the unimaginable.
Everything has a price tag. Our services, our goods, crafts, foods, and creations.
Gosh, it even costs money to do the most natural thing on Earth…procreate.
Nestle’ wants EVERYONE to pay for their water…
Nothing is “free.”
Except ideas and drive… and those aren’t necessarily free as your conscious must be working to attain them.
The “light workers” were not called here to jump into the system in hopes just their presence there, would change the game. The Light Workers were called to change the game and redefine the standard.
I am sorry to say that they have failed their task. They have jumped down the Orion hoop and sold out. In; Cause, Reaction, Solution… their solution was to join the ranks and pretend that what they have to offer is some how different whilst still selling themselves (out) the same way as everyone else. #buymebecauseIcan’tfigureoutmyownworth.
Money, is the blood on our hands.
Money is what has usurped the people who were called here to change the world; with the lie that money DOES MEAN SOMETHING. That we need to love it and use it because it is “energy.”
That’s like me doing all your work, and you getting all the benefit. “Here is a shilling for your time.”
“Oh,so your bucket full of shillings is worth more than me; though I work hard, and I am alive, a real person? And, since it is your business, and you hold the shillings, YOU are worth more than me? Are we all not priceless in the eyes of creation? Is this suppose to make sense?”
“Oh so I have to behave as a slave in order to have the opportunity to prove my worth?”
I don’t care if it is fiat currency or gold… it is useless. It does not show YOUR WORTH or the worth of anything which you may find “sacred.”
When you try and figure out, “what you are REALLY worth” and “what life/experience means to you”… money really doesn’t define worth or much meaning. In this day and age, it is a “means to an end.”
It is what we use when our innovation and passion have been sucked dry by the leeches who desire to usurp what we all strive for… free will and creativity.
It is the nasty hurdle which keeps tripping people up mentally, physically and spiritually. Every time you feel passionate or potential, this nasty voice comes in with a crippling excuse…
” I can’t do it because I don’t have the money” becomes the mantra of a victim.
Maybe it is knee replacement surgery, maybe it is the trip you want to take, maybe it is the speaker you want to hear…
Always leading back to the biggest and fictitious excuse known to man… Money.
People buy products which are crap because they are cheap.
People buy beliefs posted on mainstream because they are repetitious and funded by crooks who don’t give a fuck…
People buy the hype… because it is trendy, or new, or different.
People are so void of self confidence, they will buy damn near anything in hopes to fill some void.
But from my point of view it just makes those exact people seem cheap, repetitious, crooky and superficial. And in the end, down right, empty.
It seems like these people are trying to figure out their internal space by buying into the external and therefore selling themselves out. Much like a prostitute guised under the title “Good Marketeer.”
And I’m sorry, but that isn’t Spirit. That is Sales. That is the effect of a sell out based on the hurdles of illusion.
Maybe my bike in the alley means nothing to you. But this is just one story out of thousands I have which relate to desire, manifestation and the fact money is fiction.
Money didn’t make that bike. A designer, and potentially a team of people did. And money didn’t make it’s metal handle bars… they came from the earth and some one fabricated the mineral. Money doesn’t make things happen… WE DO. If resilient and driven… WE FIND A WAY, REGARDLESS!
Good ideas NEVER DIE! Sometimes they just take a loooooong time shifting hands because of suppression. Tesla for example. We know his innovation was stolen from him, and he died penniless and alone. Never able to get the credit or see the benefits of his creation. A person who was not looking for a get rich quick scheme, but a human looking to help humanity with free energy. A selfless act of genius. And because free energy doesn’t cost money, it’s only been in the last decade or so where the focus is back on Tesla himself, and what he had to offer.
If your innovation is good enough, people will want to jump on board, regardless of what you have to offer them… Capitalistic minded people will jump on board to eventually make money, because that is how our society is focused. This also is why people take internships. They are willing to work for the experience, lessons, and opportunity hoping to excel by being involved at a ground level and getting an “in”.
EVERYTHING is the same way.
When “Lightworkers” tell me that my problem is with money, and that is why I keep it from me… well I know better. I don’t want money. I want the change everyone else wants. The difference is I don’t think money will make it happen, and in fact it will actually create more hurdles and frustrations for those who are actually looking to make a change, with out worrying about the change they make.
How much longer are we going to allow the derelict others to usurp our innovations and cloak them under the need of fiction called “money”?
As long as people continue to justify and compromise their real purpose here on earth, and as long as they continue to sell out for far less than their actual worth.
The system you loathe continues it’s grip on you, because of the excuses you make for it. The justifications for the unjust things it does.
For me, it isn’t that I hate the system; rather I hate how we have been so lackadaisical in recognizing the only ones who can change it, is ourselves. From the inside out.
You have to be able to see the fiction for what it is, and no longer choose to support what is not real.
I am saddened by all the justifications and lack of action in changing it; basically because there are truly only three needs in humanity. The need for food, shelter and safety. Food is made from seeds, shelter is built from what grows, and safety is a state of mind which is a choice and upheld by community.
If these three simple things were met for all people, in all communities, they would inherently THRIVE! If you are not worried about paying bills and working 5 jobs to feed your family… you inherently have the time and energy to be more creative and involved in the actual activity of LIVING.
Funny thing too… in order to change it, we have to abandon what we have for something else… because obviously what we have is not working for everyone and is getting out of control.
Step back a moment and look at money… for REAL. Would life continue without it? Will trees still grow, water still flow? With out it, would we finally start to explore ourselves and what we have to offer?
Money keeps the stock market moving. Beyond that… it is a puppet, and the same master has his hands on you and the money.
Cut your strings. Think for yourself. Make the unimaginable happen by the amazing reserve of energy you have been given by the gift of life, provided by an abundant source which never runs dry. The only thing that keeps you from stepping into the unknown is fear. The only thing that makes you pad your bank account is fear… seriously, fear is no state of mind to teach your children… and fear is no mindset for making decisions.
Fear restricts potential and fogs the mind from seeing opportunity.
Let go of fear, and see what happens… because fear like money; is fiction.
I want to say it has only been a recent thing… but if I did I would be lying. In fact, the only way I could justify it, MAYBE, is to blame in on the fact that people are basically bound to live longer, and so, what is 32 years? It’s recent enough, right? I mean in the BIGGER PICTURE. And geez, don’t get me started on potential past lives… so what is 32 years of certain denial.
Maybe you have seen the recent viral videos floating aboot, in regard to And perhaps the follow up cure “FaKing It”Sadly I am one of those women. I use to call it “The Melancholy Look’, but apparently was not so catchy in these days where things are far more generalized.
Let me tell you, I know this face. I have had this face since I was born. But, what those fake commercials are not telling you is that sometimes that look is, dare I say, warranted?
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I am “hating on you.” But… I may be silently dissecting your deciscions, words, and actions in a somewhat subconscious way… and quite frankly, most people don’t do it, like I would do it… sooooooooo.
There is a lot of room for interpretation and evaluation.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not obsessed with you. No, no, no. I am intrigued. I am absolutely astounded at how absolutely oblivious we both are toward one another, on a level which is quite extraordinary. Not because it is good, or bad…. but because, it MUST; at the end of the day, make us both think… I think.
And maybe that is my problem… I think too much.
But IS there SUCH a THING? No. I also know how to not think at all. I find that a healthy balance of both is nice.
This could also explain this face. When I look at you, like you might be empty confusion bubbling over like an unattended thought… er, pot. That perhaps I can no longer understand what it is you are talking about, because obviously the only thing you observe, is, my, lack, of…smile?
On the contrary! If any of you could step beyond my face and it’s unattended looks, you would find someone, who is really quite content with silence… but also fond of laughter. And perhaps those are my two extremes.
If we can not share in depth, than I will prefer to love you in silence. If that fails and all defaults to superficial emotional fluffing… I will resort to humor.
When my face looks highly critical and judgmental… it’s because SOMETIMES it IS.
I mean, come on, I am no stranger to conflict, weirdness, and my own emotional/hormonal swings. I assess everything from the stand point of a life guard, which by no coincidence was my first “real job.”
I am assessing the situation, to know how to react. And sometimes, my synapses get fried at the fact, I realize; I HAVE NO TRAINING IN THIS ARENA of the moment.
And it’s fine. I am adaptable… but adaptability doesn’t always come with a smile.
And MAYBE IT SHOULD… right? Good Service; Good Customer Service.
But, I am not your customer. And you are not mine.
We are just people, milling about a planet, trying to figure out “What the Fuck we are Doing Here.”
I refuse to take a pill called “FaKing It.”
I refuse to smile if it is not genuine. I am not here to appease anyone through my physical face and it’s potentially programmed reactions.
I am here because I am very much observing and participating in a process of human interaction which not only feels unfamiliar, but played out.
I won’t lie… sometimes I get VERY overwhelmed with anxiety and confusion. Just like so many other people, I am figuring out how to honor my own detachments and the path of others, in their journey to overcome their own obstacles.
It is hard not to be somewhat motherly, auntish, sisterly, daughterly; to some people… and so hard to display that for others.
I do not “love” soft. I love very, very “hard.”
My heart wants the best for ALL of YOU. Regardless of who you are. I want the best for your Highest and Best.
My face may hide the fact my heart aches, to share understanding with each and everyone of you… My face shows my distaste for fighting through the myriad of superficiality, wasting such precious energy on avoidance. When really; we want to dance in understanding.
My critical nature touches you. But do not be delusional in thinking I avoid such curtsies upon myself.
I want ALL of US to experience our best. I want ALL of US to walk in the understanding that our individual love can emanate far beyond the look on our face… because sometimes love isn’t sweet or charming. Sometimes love and adoration have to sit in the observation of the whole situation… and picking through the pieces is like concentrating on a puzzle.
We smile when we find the next piece. We smile when we finish and see the bigger picture… but the parts in the middle call to closer examination, and plateaus of frustration. These are valid as well.
I look forward to the natural exhilaration of finding the next piece; and in finishing the next puzzle… I look forward to the one after, I enjoy moments in between… I will think as I stand above it… I will think as I pull pieces and try them… I will continue to think when I am away… but I will smile when the small distractions show me; though I am away, which piece comes next, and how we both fit into the picture.
I’m not the type of person, people come to for conventional comfort, when comforting is due.
Most people want a “sit-quiet-and-listen-with-a-box-of-tissues-on-hand-and-be-willing-to-hug-through-it-kind-of-comforter.”
I am more the, “let-me-tell-you-like-it-is-because-we-all-know-this-isn’t-a-new-problem” kind of comforter.
Sometimes, I admit, it’s just too much.
I wish I could sit there and listen to all of the crying and madness about certain things… but I really, just can’t. I have no tolerance for it, I guess.
Why? Why so, harsh? Why not tone it down a bit?
Well, probably because I see a MUCH bigger picture at play. And, sadly, it is tired, old and repetitive.
WE ALL KNOW BETTER! Really, deep down, core Soul level, we know better. And yet, we ignore that knowing in favor of taking everything so personally.
I come across as cold, not because I don’t care. Quite on the contrary. However, I am irritated that I care, and I am irritated that we still keep making the same mistakes, all the while taking it so personally.
I like the tactical aspect of problem solving. If you come to me for comfort, then you come to my fort. In this fort I will share with you tactical solutions toward your problem. I will not sit idly by.
You are having an internal battle. I am here to help you with that. I am not going to sugar coat matters. I am going to help you survive a battle which is so familiar to so many… and that is the battle of the self/Self.
When people come to my fort for comfort, I am giving them sanctuary to listen to their Self. Permission to listen on a Soul level. And this is something many of my close friends honor.
This is why I pick the phone up for a really late night or early morning call.
I am with them in the battle. I know it. I deal with it daily… but I keep facing it. And for my brothers and sisters in those trenches of confusion, whilst still seeking… I will be on hand. I will help them to safety.
“Are you kidding me? You REALLY, believe, that!?!?!”
I don’t say it out loud to anyone… but my brain screams it all the time.
I can be seen silently shaking my head, rolling my eyes back, face toward the sky, hands rubbing my temples and forehead…
I am disbelief, shock, confusion, exasperation, resignation, and sarcastic humor…tightly knotted up on the inside and my inability to understand, what the hell people could be thinking.
A few topics which create an energetic rise in me like this, are things like “the monetary system,” “political structures,” “religious doctrine…”
If you are a person who is deeply connected to these systems, and feel they are Truth, and necessary ..well then at some point if we discuss it, I am going to feel like smacking you in the face in hopes of waking your ass up.
These three things are the biggest fictions running our current paradigm. Few people see through it, or fight it, because they have no better solution, and jumping into the void makes them nervous and fearful.
It’s like an abused woman staying with her abuser, because she does not know where she will go, and she is afraid she will never find love or some one who wants her. Fucked up shit.
Life is sooo cozy for people who have found solace in these times of material quantity, and spiritual slumber. Believing their worth can be quantified by their possessions, and bank account digits. Owning all the proofs of material success; and yet, somehow, always coming up wanting.
Neglecting that nagging internal Truth, that the Spirit, just isn’t really THAT impressed with material wealth.
The mind will retaliate… because it is so accustomed to process and program that it COULDN’T POSSIBLY IMAGINE SOMETHING DIFFERENT… so it will argue for the point…
“But money is nice to have. ”
“If we didn’t have government, everything would be chaos.”
“They are doing this for our safety, and freedom.”
“All you have to do is accept this, and you will be saved.”
“But I give a portion back to society.”
“Maybe they aren’t telling us right now, for our best interests.”
“Well at least I have a roof over my head and food to eat.”
EHHH! Every one of those statements keeps people bound to a reality which no longer really suits them.
Let me ask you a very sincere question…
Do you REALLY believe that the world is full of terrorists, out to usurp your freedoms?
Do you REALLY believe that there are a bunch of people out to get US?
From what I have observed from humanity, is that most people, want to live and let live.
Most people are not inherently “evil.” Rather those who display that sort of behavior, have usually been indocternated or imbalanced in some way which causes that reaction in the world.
So if MOST people are not bad… then why the hell do we let the minority dictate how we exist with one another?
Perhaps it is just laziness? Partially… a large part of it is fear.
Fear of a better idea, fear of failure, fear of self, fear of peers, fear of change, fear of the unknown.
LOOK AT OUR WORLD! The state of affairs is looking rather dim for those of you who still believe the old lies.
Everyday some new information or situation comes to light, with it bringing the opportunity for each person to enlighten themselves. Most people will not take this journey because it is a painful process… and let’s face it, most people avoid pain at all costs. And when it sneaks up, what a dominating mistress can she be.
Choosing to meet with Pain on your own terms can prepare you for the process of letting go and transmuting what once was fearful, into something invigorating… besides, battle scars are hot.
Right now, many people are becoming acquainted with Pain in a new way, for the first time in their lives, because they have avoided themselves for a long time. Submersed in force fed believes. Finding within themselves a sort of bipolar soul which aches so much to expand and break free… yet shackled to it’s scared self, afraid of it’s own power and adaptability.
I don’t want to see this any more… but sadly only those who want to help themselves will. I leave little bread crumbs for those who wish to explore the other side of themselves.
Slowly I have reached a point where I feel bad for those in the world, which continue to ignore their own Inner Knowing, that these structures of control, are only in place to suppress truly Higher Potential. Watching them drain themselves in pursuit of fiction, when infinite Abundance, clarity and Truth are but a breath away.
Do not be afraid of yourSelf. Do not be afraid of what you can not see. But follow your heart, even if it means jumping off the edge into the Void.
The void is all potential…. and this thing you cling to is like a stuffy old box, tired and outgrown.