Ah, Memories

Sometimes, I think it is possible that we hold things in for too long, yep, even I am guilty of holding a fart  in  for too long… But I am talking deeper than gas. “Deeper?” you ask.  Yeah.  Deeper.

Honestly, I want to be proud of myself for handling death so well in my life.

YAY! High five, Mandie!

Errrrr, what?!?!

Yeah, I want to say, “YOU know what? I have had tremendous loss in my life, and it’s OKAY, it’s FINE.  I TOTALLY DEAL WITH IT, I have a different sort of relationship to death…” and then I walk away with a crazy look in my eye.

The fact is, I usually deliver those exact  lines with a very sweet tone, and walk off with a little bit of superiority over those who couldn’t possibly fathom  what it is to loose people close to you.

Great, I am using loss as a way to be self righteous… just as I was thinking I might be humble.

The fact is, I am going to call my family out, hell I am going to call out any of you who don’t discuss it… WE MISS PEOPLE BEING THERE IN PHYSICALITY.

We miss seeing people age, and grow, and evolve.  We miss late night conversations on the phone, advice, the sound of their voice.  Some of us just miss what we never really knew to begin with, and then we based our imaginative relations off of what was observed in the lives of others.  Some of my observations of YOU and your lives at times has sparked with in me jealousy… Oh yes, even you….

Tonight, I was thinking about my brother, who is now gone, and earlier I was thinking of the mother I lost.

And I was thinking about how pissed I am on one sense; that my brother left me in this awkward situation that almost feels like divorce where the kids split with each parent.  Kevin and my mom got to transition to, you know… some other plane of reality, and I got to stay here with my dad… on Earth? (Come  on kids you know I am a big thinker who wants people  to be Organically Super Human…)

I love my dad to all ends of the Universe and back, but it’s like Kevin got some other end of the deal… like all that missing and wanting I had for my mother, he somehow got to fulfill for himself.. before ME!….I feel it was a bit, preemptive.

I am the oldest, in all conventional thought; which I have not yet purged obviously, says: the oldest dies first.

That happens to be the struggle of any parent who lost a child.

My grandparents lost my mom when she was 26.

My brother was gone months before he turned 24.

No wonder no one wants to talk about it… Parents don’t like to discuss the sad fates of their children… and let’s  give my dad a double whammy for losing his wife at 26 and then going another  round with young death again 23 years down the road with off spring of his dead bride…

This may be tough to read, but it’s all true, and it’s been bothering me for a while.  Perhaps you understand?

I have a half sister, but I am what remains of the interaction that was my birth mother and my father’s DNA.  At 30, I have out lived them both.

My step mother and half sister, will never really understand how awkward this life has been, (for me.)  They have each other to talk to. They have their relationship that has a physical beginning and continuing evolution…

Perhaps a point of jealousy in my life, I use to commiserate with my brother about…

This stuff sucks to write “out loud” but it’s part of what has happened that makes me feel this overwhelming urge to cry, but really, I can’t.  It feels contrived, and fake.

I guess, really I just have to say it out loud.  It lurks at the back of the mind and the corner of the heart and festers.

It saddens me, but  only in the most conventional of ways.  I wonder if I would be making late night phone calls to guy friends with girlfriends, if maybe I had a brother, or maybe even a mother to call.

I don’t know.  Again I ask why it is, they got to leave?

Why is it that even in my darkest times, when I wished life away, still, here I stay, in physicality.

Why at times does it feel so lonely?

I have my own answers and I will continue to spread joy, but loss…. oh that loss of those loved, still lingers in the painful heart strings embedded in muscle, deep in my memory.

It is not an excuse to be a victim, or superior, rather it is the reminder to cherish  all that is in the moment, and those who share it with you.

I do have a different relationship to death, than many do.

However evolved or different it may be, does not restrict me from feeling that occasional tug at my heart and mind, that longing of companionship linked in blood and experience.

Hell, that’s why the “Reunion” is so popular. the gathering of shared experience and the sprinkle of time spent apart changing.

Enjoy one another, be blessed with each others presence.  Physicality is a special, and yet very temporary experience.

We will meet again, another time; another place, in some other form.  But this experience is; in a sense, one in a billion.

The light and the dark are each beautiful because each of you dance between those worlds bound in your physical body.  Bound to learn how limitless you actually are.

That is death; limitless, expansive energy. Reconnected to Source, and yet still present.

Music; memories, pictures, lessons learned and given are the remnants of physicality.

The Eternal Soul, is just that.  Conscious Energy going back into a system of Co-Creative Learning , leaving material signs along the way.  A sort of ethereal scribbling on the bathroom wall “I WAS HERE.”

My brother and mother inspire me, every day.  I did not know them “all the way.”  But their influence and muse runs in my blood and through my pen, or paint, or speech.  They were creative people with short lives… I am a creative being who still has life…

May I be blessed then, with the talent of all of us, THREE!  Responsibility for the art that was left un-manifest, but lingering in the imagination!

May nothing be wasted.

Blessings to you!

Volume 2: Dissemination. (extreme language, adult humor, inane banter)

  • Our Buddy Mr Dick Talkin’ Dude has a nice response for me, and Women love a man who enters with a good insult… watch the dissemination process where he proves he must have fallen off the wagon.

    Did you bake your head in a microwave? I’m sorry, while it may take you “way to much energy” to compose something that is multiple paragraphs–and to process it as a result but I fucking have a bachelor’s and a master’s degree so the above so called output of “way too much energy” is about 1/10,000 of the output I have been trained to produce as a result of my education.


    You are started saying how this guy was messaging you about his small dick and it was bad pick up line. I responded by saying I am normal and I seem to have never had any problem. Then you started with the “women” fake it just to get guys off of them” bullshit. And so on… I didn’t make the conversation about me. If it’s not “too much energy” you could go back, read the texts, and see that you were steering the conversation. I was simply responding to you repeatedly saying the dumbest things–in refernce to sex–I have heard about sex. 

    You may think you’ve had great sex but what I know is that the “top shelf” for you was only mediocre if you size has something to do with. You don’t have to seek out my references. I was only siting them because they are from women who pretty much make all of the things you said bullshit. 

    You steered the conversation towards me. If you go back and read–and don’t hurt yourself by using “too much energy”–you will see that one of the first things I said about my sexual histpry was, “you don’t want to know.” You said, “I like answers.” So directly as a result of that statement I GAVE YOU ANSWERS. God you are dumb. 

    Since it was “too much energy” for you to read what I wrote. I don’t expect you to waste precious capacity–that you will need for sheep farming so you can be an “artist” lol–to actually go back and see that I was just responding to your assinine comments about dicks. 

    6-8 is good for you huh. Good luck with that. The Ramses study showed that only 8% of the world has more than 5.8 inches, which is the average size of a penis. Look it up on Wikipedia. 

    Anyway, I have better things to do with my time–and dick–than waste it on someone who does not consider the facts before she speaks. Whatever. 

    Hope reading this didn’t use “too much energy” Report this 

  • Jan. 6, 2011 – 9:52pm

    Good luck with your arrogance. Women love that in men.



  • Jan. 6, 2011 – 10:42pm

    (2:45:42 pm)Chews4Cheeses:I used to be a touring musician. I have had a pretty amazing and tragic life and i am just trying to settle down and have a cool ass relationship filled with travel, good food, amazing sex, movie watching, creativity, amazing sex, book reading, amazing sex, and amazing sex



    here you clearly have some needs and desires to bring up the topic of sex, inevitably leading to your dick 

    (2:49:27 pm)madgemidgley:this guy is texing me right now on here, and he is telling me about his small penis… not a good opener 

    my comment here is a preemptive, “I see your sex comments, please don’t talk about your dick, because this other dick is already doing it, and it’s not what I want to talk about…” i am surprised your bachelors and masters didn’t see that, but they didn’t really see your spelling errors either. What Subtext 101 and Reading Between the Lines wasn’t offered at your school… hmm poor curriculum. But since your pulling out punts, I wouldn’t really know, you know, since I am just a sheep farmer artist. 


    (2:49:47 pm)Chews4Cheeses:what did he say exactly 

    So I was guiding the conversation? Your a dude just brimming excited to talk about dicks, even if it isn’t your own. Sexual Repression much? It’s okay I hear a lot of guys lie to women on the internet because they can’t get them to lay with them in a bed. But you don’t know about that either, right, I forgot to read what you wrote. I might as well tell the truth right now, I don’t have eyes… 

    (2:52:38 pm)Chews4Cheeses:that is his way of findng out if you are one of those women who care about the size of a guys dick, which I have some personal opinons on 


    hmm, some opinions, lets look further to see if I ask for them? You obviously are starting the test here to see what my response is so that you can later associate dick size to being shallow… here you have me backed into a corner where I simply say what I know. I am not asking for you to respond to it, I am making a statement about me personally…. but wait, 

    (2:54:03 pm)Chews4Cheeses:that is extremely sad for you 

    now all of a sudden you want to judge my experience? Whose place is it of yours to judge my preference or to say I need something other than what I have had. They must teach you guy that stuff in college too. Jumping to conclusions and assumptions. Intelligent stuff. 

    Enter: a barrage of unnecessary and uninvited information. Again you are guiding this conversation. Taking some other dude’s 3 inch dilemma and turning the table to talk about… wait for it…. YOUR DICK. 

    I never asked. And something tells me a real sexual guru would be a bit more gentle on my lack of experience and not degrade me furthering my dislike for arrogant dicks, such as you have proven yourself to be. Not that I want to start any name calling, but since I have supposedly microwaved my head, I am going to say this is just observation and referential discourse. 

    (2:55:38 pm)Chews4Cheeses:I have had enough sex in my life to know that the size of a dick has nothing to do with making a woman have an orgasm 

    (2:55:46 pm)Chews4Cheeses:not that I am small 

    (2:55:55 pm)Chews4Cheeses:im normal 

    Now you may want to see a therapist, because all of this escalates and shows perhaps some insecurities in your masculinity. Here we have me, making just another statement that women fake it. Now, I don’t attempt to assume or accuse that they do with you; but that nasty insecurity sets in, and again makes it all about you…. 


    (2:56:25 pm)madgemidgley:women fake it honey to get it over with 

    (2:56:32 pm)Chews4Cheeses:lol 

    (2:56:37 pm)Chews4Cheeses:you think that 

    (2:56:50 pm)Chews4Cheeses:not with me 

    (2:57:18 pm)madgemidgley:ok mr. confidence 

    (2:57:27 pm)Chews4Cheeses:it’s not confidence 

    (2:57:46 pm)Chews4Cheeses:but why the hell would someone fake it to get it over with just to do it 4 more times 

    In fact, I never accuse you of anything. I make vague, blanket statements that you seem to take very personally. Perhaps you feel it is your mission to bring your gift to all women of the world and to correct their naive and impressionable minds with the glory of you and your talent Bachelor and Mastered Degreed Penis. I don’t k

    now. I don’t claim to know your purpose here on earth. 


    (2:58:18 pm)Chews4Cheeses:and i will straight call someone on it 

    (2:58:21 pm)madgemidgley:oh can you now, how do you do that 

    (2:58:36 pm)Chews4Cheeses:man, you are asking questions you really dont want the answers to 

    (2:58:38 pm)Chews4Cheeses:lol 

    (2:59:14 pm)madgemidgley:i like to hear answers 

    (2:59:21 pm)madgemidgley:one way is to kiss a girl after she cums 

    (2:59:41 pm)madgemidgley:if her mouth is cold she did, the blood rushes to the clit after orgasm just like the head of the penis 

    Here we have the dreaded “I like answers.” Now I am wondering if you reread these because it seems to me you must be drunk because you used all of the things I said in my email out of order and out of context. Did you go to school and study being a Lawyer? If not, it may not be too late. 

    Now previously you were talking about calling people out, because you “know what you know.” Now you said you know physical responses in women, and I wanted an answer to what physical responses you know to be true in women. You don’t answer, you just proceed to blow up on your skills some more. I didn’t ask about your sex skills Mr. Good Reader Guy Who Pays Attention And Likes To Berate People. I asked about KNOWN PHYSICAL RESPONSES IN WOMEN… 


    (3:01:52 pm)Chews4Cheeses:i just know what I am doing, it’s not confidence or an ego thing… I just know that I know what i am doing 

    (3:01:59 pm)Chews4Cheeses:for many reasons 

    (3:02:38 pm)Chews4Cheeses:it’s like me saying I can play the guitar extremely well 

    (3:02:41 pm)Chews4Cheeses:I can 

    (3:02:44 pm)Chews4Cheeses:thats it 

    (3:02:49 pm)Chews4Cheeses:just a fact 

    (3:04:25 pm)Chews4Cheeses:but with the guitar unlike sex I can just show you the awards i have won, or let you hear me play, sex is all talk until someone delivers 

    Here is more proof already in the conversation that you were not paying attention and quick to judge me about who started the conversation with at least 7 references to wanting sex. All this is chronological order with the time stamp… pay attention, women like that. 

    (3:07:06 pm)madgemidgley:yep and talking about it doesn’t like make me curious or anything… when men talk about it it comes across as shiesty 

    (3:07:13 pm)Chews4Cheeses:whatever 

    (3:07:23 pm)Chews4Cheeses:i didnt start the conversation 

    (3:07:27 pm)Chews4Cheeses::) 

    (3:08:35 pm)Chews4Cheeses:i wasn’t trying to make anyone curious, just responding to the things that are being said 

    (3:10:03 pm)madgemidgley:ohh but you were quick to tell of your “skills” or whatever 

    (3:10:22 pm)madgemidgley:easily a subtext that was unnecessary 

    (3:10:53 pm)Chews4Cheeses:my skills are not in quotes and if yu want i could give you refernces so that there is no question 

    Why the FUCK would I want references? YOU IMED ME! Are you trolling for sex, Deprivation Dude? If so, like I said, I am curious to the type your antics work on. 

    (3:11:46 pm)Chews4Cheeses:i was actually stating my skills in relation to whether size was factor in providing the appropriate amount of pleasure a woman desires which was simply a response to you saying ” 

    (3:11:52 pm)Chews4Cheeses:I won’t settle 

    AGAIN, NO ONE ASKED ABOUT YOUR SKILLS, YOUR SIZE OR YOUR PERSONAL OPINION IN REGARD! YOU guided a conversation and filled it with inane sexual knowledge about yourself. 

    (3:13:25 pm)madgemidgley:well despite the lack of consistent sex, i have had the oppertunity to try more than one size, and i am gonna say that for intercourse via penis in vagina, size TO ME matters, and therefor, if i am gonna put anything up there, it better fill it up right and press on all the right sopts 

    (3:13:30 pm)madgemidgley:spots 


    (3:14:11 pm)Chews4Cheeses:but in reality since you are not experienced enough sexually–your own words–to know if size is the ultimate deciding factor you will probably end up settling for someone who is larger and provides relatively less pleasure, not being aware that you are missing out you will then have a false sense of pride in the mundane unimaginative–on the guys part– 

    I never say size is the only thing that matters. This is one of the only things I have said personally about myself during this first exchange and that was taken out of context by you. There was no allowance for me to speak on anything but what I know. And since you do not question if I desire more than just a decent sized cock and the whole package of a person, you clearly take my wording toward wanting a man with a phallus in which is compatible to me, personal. There is nothing wrong with that. I make another personal statement that you feel a need to judge. Why so judgey about other people Judgy Mc Judgerson and the Judgeyville Judgers. 


    (3:16:50 pm)madgemidgley:thats a creative thought which i totally find inaccurate, as i am not one to keep myself in unsatisfying relations… just because i haven’t had a shit ton of sex doesnt mean i dont know what i like or what i am looking for an if a partner cant give what i need or augment their routine in a way that meets my needs, why stay around? 


    Here I am referencing your previous judgmental attitude toward my lack of experience. You are basically trying to sell me something I don’t want, and I am telling you “Hey man, I know what I know, you know what you know. We are looking for different things, we obviously are different people with different needs.” 

    (3:19:59 pm)Chews4Cheeses:OMG did yo just call me naive about sex? I don’t need to say anything further. That in itself is a very naive statment considering that I have women completely leave thier husbands and childrfen after sleeping with me–much to my dismay–and who have offered

    to writeme refernces, im not even kidding. size has no fucki fucking bearing in the quality of sex, at all, that is uless you have a freakishly large vagina


    (3:20:29 pm)madgemidgley:no i think it is naive to be general about sex and to assume all women need or feel the same thing 

    Again with assume and taking things really personally. Then on to talking about shit no one wants to hear about, Women leaving their Children and Husbands for the GURU OF FUCK!!! 


    All right, that about does it. Thank you SO much for this time. It has been really amusing going back and seeing what an interesting yet completely stero-typical part of the male race you are. This is going to make me giggle for days. I especially like how you feel you have some superiority over me because you have had a lot of sex and a couple of degrees. It actually makes you sound so much smarter knowing you are probably a potential breeding ground for various STD’s picked up during your musical and detached from reality days. We are all just people man, nobody is really better than anyone else. I really appreciate that I am a far better proof reader than you are, and that I haven’t totally lost my sense of humor. Again thank you! This last part wasn’t work… it was fun.


    PS by “way too much energy” I meant that I can write all day long and not flinch but you are an energy sucker when it comes to guiding and manipulating conversations about dick. The degrees aren’t the only thing that train people to be intelligent, observant, creative, resourceful, talent, patient, kind or humorous. Some of us take it upon ourselves because we like a different kind of school, so why do you suck on my PhD in Observation from the School of Life.

Average Penis, Large Ego (warning adult content and sexual language.)

Not sure why men fancy the need to talk about their penis’ and what they can do with them at every opportunity.  Perhaps they think it will get us hot and bothered… maybe it is just a test to see how prude we are or are not.  Regardless, I feel it is less than tactful to (dare I say) whip it out in the first five minutes of a conversation with a lady you barely know.

She may be curious upon initial looks, but she keeps it fine to herself, know she will never really have to bring it up, and to mind it well alone.  The man is sure to bring it up himself at some point… even if, in honesty he has no real invitation.

Has media programed the minds so as to believe that REAL women will react to such things like a PORN star?  Now I am all for expression, and fantasy, but I feel to get a good gauge of a person perhaps you should observe first, with out manipulation.  Perhaps it is a test to see who is prude and who is not.  Frankly I do not consider myself prude, however I do not appreciate men testing my curiosity about such pointless matters in the beginning of a conversation.


This is all preface to an internet dialog I had while checking my email on another social networking site, where you can IM random people who have common interests.  The dialog began on a note that I mentioned was worded in what could be deemed a “demanding” way.


“Make me laugh.”


Ok, maybe it wasn’t all caps, and maybe there was no exclimation point at the end,  but in IM world tones are filtered through perceptions.  I simply noted back that it had room for misinterpretation as there was no salutation or polite request.  The conversation went from there in a rather normal manner of me passing along a joke I know, and him returning one.


A new box opened with another fella who really had nothing to say, a brief chat about weather, and then his mention of a movie that he recently was an extra in… And then the juicy tid bits.  He was cast for his nice body and small dick.  It was a scene in a locker room where some girls walk in, they cast small penis-ed men because they felt a large cock, would be too distracting.  Fine, fine.  But then the questions… Is 3 inches too small?  What do girls like?  What size do most of them want?  What is too small?  On and on… I mean it was like a craigslist post or something.


I mention to the fellow in IM box 1, the oddity of men and their need to talk about it with women they don’t know.  And this guy, THIS GUY, just starts talking about his, and what he can do with it, and how women who care about size are shallow.  How if I want referrals there are women who would stand by their experience.  Women want to leave their wives and children for him…. Uhhhh, ok.  Did I ask for that?  No.


Well he lost his connection and I logged off.  He answered some of my questions in email format, which left me asking myself, why am I even spending time with a response.   Well it was so I could share it with you here.


Enjoy, I sure did.




madgemidgley: no i think it is niave to be general about sex and to assume all women need or feel the same thing

madgemidgley: why are you sleeping with married women?

madgemidgley: size does matter when it comes to a specific FEELing, but you wouldnt know about that lacking a vagina

madgemidgley: a pencil dick doesnt fill the space up the same


madgemidgley: some women do better with external stimulation

minemadgemidgley: and have you ever thought that maybe you are just better than the partners they have previously had, what happens when you meet the woman who says… eh it was ok, but i have had better, just because it hasnt happened yet doesnt mean it won’t, especially with the braggery




Well, here is your response:


I was a touring musician and I have been with several woman in every state in the United States in my adult life. At one point I found myself living in West Virginia in the “rich” part of town plaeasuring peoples wives who married men with big dicks and big wallets but found out later that both are worthless. I have never, ever, ever had a single complaint, not once. I still have woman all around the country who beg me to come visit them–but I don’t. I am not big. I am normal sized about 6″ but i have a curve that directly hits the g-spot without ever leaving it. also, I have a way of grinding my pelvic bone against a clit to stimulaste clitoral orgasm. On top of that I can do things with my tongue and fingers that women have literally paid me to do. I wasn’t asking them for money but when someone hands you $500 you genrally dont turn it down. Also, you say no one’s finger but your own touch your clit. well, I have a way of vibrating my upper shoulder muscles–something I picked up for guitar playing–which is not physiologically normal so I can make my fingers do things that your can’t, literally. I know. I know. You see this as braggery but the bottom line is that stating facts is NOT bragging. period. The sad things is that i am speaking from volumes of personal experience based on fact and history and other people’s statements, not even my own. I know it’s in your best interest to think you know what you are talking about but the bottom line is that experience is what counts. There has never been a single woman, ever that i have been with that has had any complaint.


I usually don’t share this info with anyone either but you seem to think that you are right, right now about ME. I don’t even have to talk about myself either. I could just direct you to other users on here–I have been on here for 5 years–who will say all of the above about me. When it’s coming from someone else, is it braggery or THEN is it a fact LOL


You have a lot to learn. Not trying to insult you but I have met your typre before, had this sort of conversation, and then later was told, “god damn I wa worng about you.”


I know what the fuck I am doing. I wish I didnt. I wish i didnt have the history that I do. It causes issues like you would not imagine when trying to start a new relationship.


The other thing is that sex is a very deep spiritual experience that involves all sorts of intense emotions. when someone says “it’s about size” I laugh. That is the purest definition of shallowness.


braggery, hahahahahahahahaha hahaa hahahahahaha maybe when you meet a mother fucker who knows what he is doing you should not question him. You should give him a shot and find out that what you have been experiencing your whole adult life was just vanilla ice cream. I have been the man that provides the realization probably over 100 times. Some women hate my sexual history, some women love it. It is what it is. But, I will say once again that NO ONE has EVER complained.







I find it braggery for the fact that I never asked you what you could do, i didn’t need to, nor want to know. I wasn’t on a fact seeking journey. I only mentioned the other guy IMing me… I thought it was funny, but then you made it all about YOU.

And sure you spoke from your experience as I have spoken from mine. I don’t dis-validate what you say, and I have no interest in seeking out your “referrals.”

So you have facts about yourself, cool, good for you.

You have pleased many women, high five?

This is surely a direction in conversation I would rather not go, not because I am prude, but because it honestly doesn’t matter. As I said I was speaking from my own experiences which neither need validation from you or some sort of rebuttal… I talked about what I like with my limited knowledge and I feel as if you are on some sort of persuasion mission. Like I asked to be convinced?… I will be more careful about my wording next time so as to not lay on airs of such sexual ignorance.

Now that that is over, I can see way too much energy went into all of these explanations. It is a moot topic. I don’t care about your dick, I don’t have any interest in finding out what tricks you may have up your sleeve or down your pants.

I have had great lovers, who were not necessarily good people. Yeah a spiritual experience definitely can take the ride to a higher place and compensate for short comings. Let’s be real tho, how many men actually have a spiritual relationship with themselves, much less with their partners and whatever source they feel to be a higher power.

I questioned because you brought up unnecessary info which came across as rather self righteous and arrogant, which obviously for a devils advocate as I can be at times was like open season.

Perhaps this is like your opening line “Make me laugh.” The wording is executed in a way that is demanding and forceful, not at all polite or welcoming.

Your statements about your “gift” have indeed come across the same way. Your assumptions that I don’t know what I am talking about or that my experiences may not be valid or broad enough is absurd.

One doesn’t have to be a whore to know what they like or want. Meaning just because I haven’t had consistent sex doesn’t mean that I am missing out on anything… My hiatus from sex is self imposed for lack of shallowness. (so what if I like a decent size dick on a good looking man, may be shallow, but it doesn’t mean it is my only criteria for intercourse or even nudity.)

I realize there are many precursors for me to even want to see a man with his pants off.. I don’t do the casual sex thing any more, I don’t do the go on a one night stand shit.

Shallow as it may seem to care about size that is only one factor in the over all package, and when you are an realist idealist such as myself, the pre-undressing and time spent getting to actually know each other and see if there is a certain likability is far more important for what I feel is longevity.

Your past will probably continue to give you grief in relationships because despite wanting to be truthful, sometimes it is best to wait on certain truths, that is unless it is just a test to see where someone stands, but a test like this is more likely to fail before it is a success. And then you have to ask yourself what the success rate is based on? Women just looking to get laid with out commitment? OOoooh that’s really uncommon, thank jeebus there is a spokes person out there taking care of it…

Most the women I know want a person they can trust, communicate with, and share with… a friend. Many people get so wrapped up in being overloaded with oxytocin from sexual encounters too early on, to actually see the person for who they are, that is until the hormones level out again.

Hence, all these men with big dicks who get left. Inevitably (if they are smart enough) the women get through the emotional output and see the man they were so wrapped up on is really an asshole.


again bully for you and your infallible dick and its abilities as well as the bag of tricks you have been able to develop for the sake of Woman kind… we all thank you and wonder why you can’t be cloned.

Good enough to note

“Excuse me… those of you across the pond; yes. Could you enunciate just a bit better, and without the accent. Please?…. What’s that? Interesting.”

Meaning to say, as a 29 year old who neglected to get a degree at a young age, and chose poverty and “dropping out and just living, then deciding on school later,” I have found that those crucial years of exploration and development were cr…ucial in finding who I WANT TO BE. I am no longer blinded by the luster of motion and confusion that is a 19 year old; rather I am a focused and grounded 29 year old who knows her spiritual pursuits, has a strong grasp on boundaries and understands a course of service which is appropriate for her, even if unconventional. This is the School of Life where I have gotten a Masters in Observation and a Doctorate in Conscious Evolution always choosing to be a professional student. Universities in my opinion should be more like trade schools; wherein an individual can find their niche with creative talent always building on possibilities; whether it is with numbers, words or food. The off shoot of those classes would deal with the actual interpersonal relationships, the psychological effects and perhaps financial aspects of a certain trade. The complaint I hear so often from those with degrees; is that their education never quite met their passion. That they were basically forced into boxes negated by an income bracket. Then later forced to slip into jobs that undermined their intelligence, creativity, or broad minded thinking. Worse yet there were those who couldn’t find jobs at all because their degree was basically outdated, or the job pool was flooded by those over qualified. Those who followed a passion to share with others, became teachers and are usually under paid. I have learned so much through the “full immersion”‘ process that I can safely say that an ability to learn to jump through hoops is not only taught at university level, it is inherently part of the growing and survival process in the modern human. Equal sides to the coin are those pushing the youth to jump into education, and forcing them to dedicate themselves to something, even if it it an MRS. degree. My suggestion is this; if school doesn’t resonate right away, live. Live, learn, love and laugh. Figure out what is and is not good for you. Be bold, lose fear and shine bright. If you always seek your service and your niche, it will come to you. It may not come in a classroom, it may not be conventional, but when you find it, you will know why you have lived the life you have. Your will understand why certain people have come into your life. Every odd job, and obscure circumstance will come into full view. You will know your purpose and the Angelic entities that surround you will do everything in their power to protect and see you through the mission. This will never be taught in any other school than the School of Life… every other institution is merely just gateway into the real experience of what we are here to do.
Until we, as individuals step into our power to change, help and augment the human condition by evolving ourselves, we will stay in the shadow of our predecessors. Schools will only give us the basic tools we need to start chipping away at our spiritual surface. It will be the realization that our collective gifts, talents, and passions that will be the answer to the gap in art; consciousness, technology and communication.
The old systems are no longer working, and we ARE the ONES we have been WAITING FOR. Change yourself, Change the world. We don’t want a Revolution, WE ARE THE EVOLUTION!!!!!

Ownership and Boundaries; Possibilities and Outcomes

This funk has been deep and dark, but not as dark as some, and not as deep as possible.
I can admit the thoughts have been ruminating for sometime now.
I actually had an intuitive Chinese healer tell me three years ago that I had three things to work on; and though that list is in a storage unit miles away, I remember one point for sure.
Perhaps these successive lessons have been result of recent occurrence. Perhaps they will all solidify into something more palatable for me.
You know me, with my fine palate.
So this depression; if to prove correct, is to bring my attention to the reflection in others what I do not actually like or appreciate about myself.
So I pick apart these annoyances in order to satiate some sort of deep need for superiority, or ego satisfaction; because truly there is a lack of love for myself, by myself.
This creates a situation in which, though I may have a tough exterior, really I am quite fragile on the inside and at times confidence is low.
Now I can blame it on all the things anyone blames it on. TV, media, expectations of men presented through porn… There are a myriad of possibilities.
I know that I am a picky woman. Perhaps at times for all the wrong reasons. This is starting to reflect in my life, but it is through the concept of ownership.
There are very few things in my life, specifically carrying a high price tag, in which I have actually paid, “hard earned cash” for.
I have worked art trade for a laptop, I have done work trade for survival,
but since I have not made any huge purchases in my life, I suppose I do not have a certain “ownership” or “responsibility” to anything big.
I seem to even have a hard time conceptualizing what it would be like to be better off than I am.
I wouldn’t mind taking that on in some form, but I do not believe that I want the conventional form of it.
So lately, I have noticed a lack even, of emotional ownership in my life.
This goes hand in hand with Boundary setting with all people in my life but most specifically men.
I just naturally gravitate toward some people more than others. It seems to me that those people are far and few between, (there goes that picky thing again.)
Regardless I do give those I care for as much as I humanly can, but maybe I am not totally owning my unspoken expectations and all that comes with it.
The expectation to receive just as greatly as I give. To receive beyond the gift of giving.
I want those I care for to show they care for me, and have it some how quantifiably obvious.
I show love through time, service, art, and enjoyment, as well as through holding space.
Somehow, someway though, I rarely share those qualities with myself, by myself.
Always waiting for someone else to fill the void where I give to others what I deny myself.
I have not fully taken ownership for ME. My own love.
Part of this evolution, is remembering that I am me, and not to loose myself to another person.
I do it with friends.
I have wished I could have learned this lesson earlier.
As a direct result of not learning it; it has effected my sex life and my ability to grow and cultivate healthy relationships with men.
Attach that to a bit of a truth complex; feeling as if not everyone is telling the truth.
And in knowing myself, I have admittedly with held or over exaggerated and maybe even fabricated…
That is a lie, I have lied.
I may lie again, but I would rather not.
The lessons are becoming too evident.
And perhaps that is what all this chaos in the world is about.
If this is the worst I have to go through in regard to emotional breakdowns, on 13 year Mayan cycles this would match me to right around one of the more emotionally tumultuous times in my life earlier on.
Jr. high and just the beginning of high school.
It was a time when I was reevaluating who I was and what I thought my place was, and my place has always been on the outskirts just slightly.
I have not been proactive in seeking to be anything more than that, despite knowing I could.
I am not sure I want to step in the limelight, despite how good at it I may be.
I don’t know that I can.
But I do.
I know I should, that I am suppose to.
That in and through the refinement of my gifts comes refinement in self, and that is profound.
Okay, these things are sinking in.
So reflections of others in me, breed discontent.
I want out, I do not own.
I need to own me, all of the good and bad of it.
We are all flawed, ok; work on it, yes.
Appreciate what you have as you own it.
Appreciate the gift that it is.
In all things in, moderation.
Be kind to yourself.
And learn to say no.
Tell the truth.
Never give too much, learn that tender balance.
If you happen not to, you will always be running on fumes.
Men are men; and some men are extraordinary.
Trust that you are also extraordinary and that you deserve that.
You will recognize it.
Never a need to rush. YAY!
Keep creating because the dream of showing your art;
writing and performing a solo piece
as well as presenting a published work
To the world
May be exactly what you are now networking for.
Gaining experience for.
Get on it.
It is waiting for you but it will not wait forever.
Be kind to yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
Be very, very, very kind to yourself.
If you want to survive as an artist, you have to work at it, and not in a half assed way.
Dedicate and discipline yourself to at least 4 hours a day.
Split it up if you are having a block in progress and need a break, or maybe you will want to keep going on one thing.
Four hours, four hours, four hours, the tribal laborers labored at their specific job of hunting or gathering at least four hours.
This is your labor of love.
Love yourself and then love your art, otherwise you will love nothing around you truly.
Things come and go, art from you comes and goes.
It is passed on, it lives its own life, like children.
Sometimes they are close and can be visited, other times they go far from the home.
IT is fine.
You are a creator.
You must appreciate and own that within yourself; you must admire and give sacrifice for it.
You should be careful to not over indulge in either world of sacrifice or creation.
Just as you are a vessels you are also your own vehicle.
Keep it healthy and safe and mindful.
It will bring you whatever you want if you appreciate it and take ownership over it.
Set boundaries for consumption to keep in moderation.
You are not will-less; though you have acted less will.
You are not mindless although you have felt less of mind.
Own your words.
Mean what you say and say what you mean with integrity.
If channel will never tell you information that is not presented in a loving way, than a good example is set for us to follow suit.
Information can be granted, specifically when asked, but it is always asked to be given lovingly and with consideration. Lines must be drawn as to not be untruthful or in the mode of fabrication.
Men like drugs, all in moderation.
Be bold, don’t hold it in.
It isn’t a sin to be an empowered woman.
It’s okay to speak,
To breath to be,
Just in the sanctuary of life,
All that is and all may be.
There is art that flows from me
But rules in moderation perhaps are these:
Set boundaries for oneself.
Be mindful of one’s health,
Sacrifice for what is right and the highest self,
Find ownership in flaws and times of cause
But also in that equal draw,
Draw in light and ownership of your gifts, talents, strengths and growth,
This is the signature of owning the yolk of emotion,
One that threatens to pull down to the depths of destruction
The end perhaps of the Writers,
The Women,
The Sedated Race,
Left to giving gifts, never replaced for all they had given.
Always appreciate extra in others you lack to appreciate within.
Recognize in self, the flaws reflected in peers,
Remember always to be courageous go beyond all your fears.
If fear is fear of success
Of survival
And the survival of success,
Love of truth, and blessed existence,
That too should be an attainable dream,
Even if only for little ole me.

Product of the 80’s

Product: Of the 80’s

Punk Rock, Mohawk
Technicolored Toe socks
Mario Brothers
Beating shit with a wiffle ball bat
Mousecateers, wear little hats with little ears
He-man fought away our fears
Until we learned that he was queer
Rainbow Bright, Colored tights
Decorated bedrooms, with Christmas lights

Star Wars, Cinnamon Rolls
Carrie Fisher, coke up her nose
Navigator, Space Invader
Gelatinous candy in weird flavors
Cabbage patch, Garbage Pail
Afternoon Specials gave a reason to fail
Latch Key kids tell the tale
Pen pal letters in the mail

GI Joe, Barbie too
Little ponies in a zoo
Colonel Mustard in a game called CLUE
Ask an 80’s kid, so much to do

Jem and the Holograms
Just another cartoon band
Cinderella, Twisted Sister
Bon Jovi, Mr. Mister
Debbie Gibson
All great late night company…

for me

Nicktoons, Nick at Night
Camping out, turn off the lights

Salute your shorts
Candy land
Never heard of “Rock Band”

a game called “Sorry”
Push your cousin
Call “Malarkey”
Laughing at a man called Starsky.

Roller rinks, no time for shrinks

Friday pizza party

Commodore 64
Playing twister on the floor
$2.00 allowance for all those chores
No real reason to ever be bored

Play outside, build a tent
Wonder where my youth went

Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em
Robot action
When I was ten, yeah, I sure had them
Battleship with batteries
Nancy Drew Mysteries

Rural living on the plains
To get to town was a pain
10 speed road bikes on dirt roads
How we rode them, no one knows

Nearest friend a mile away
Go for lunch on hot summer days

Pack your toys , it’s time to play

Swim lessons, Recreation
On T.V., only 2 real stations
Pizza Hut, and Dominos
Micky D’s, Bagel Maker
After Church, lunch invader
Snack pack, bologna sam
Processed meat stuff in a can

How I’ve grown and how I’ve changed
But the child inside remains the same

A portal of inner exploration