You know how your best friend can usually pull you out of a funk? They know a master way to get you to chuckle, or look at things differently, and the world will shift a little bit.
I am certain Claddagh understood how I would get fixated on things that would engage my attention to strong levels. And depending on where I was fixated, my mood would be effected to some degree. As an empath I tend to be drawn to topics that are deeply rooted in the suffering of humanity. I have a strong desire to uncover that which plagues humanity while at the same time trying to heal the Universal Feeling of Broken that is a template we live in.
When I lived in the mountains, I didn’t spend as much time or attention on those things the way I do now in large town. I didn’t have consistent internet and I could already just see pain existing around me to one degree or another, so it was an unspoken understanding that having a dog in nature helps all wounds. I mean obviously it doesn’t make all of the pain go away, but it helps in certain terms of longevity and understanding.
I seriously started writing about my experiences in life at the age of twelve. I’ve averaged 2.5 journals of various lengths per year for about twenty-six years. I have no idea how many things I have published on this blog page alone, and this series, in this moment has my full attention. So much so, that I am pulling out the paper journals from the time Claddagh was in my life, because I am so interested in her chronology because it is inevitably tell me more about myself and how I will need to precede further.
My writing has always spoken my own code, to myself. It is always in retrospect that I can tell if I listened or not.
What I can tell already, I’ve already mentioned a bit. This feeling of intangible loss versus tangible loss and a feeling of loneliness or “godforsaken.”
I’ve been writing about death and loneliness my whole life, but it was sort of intangible. I didn’t really know what I was missing, it was then easier to disconnect from the feeling of loss, by becoming callus. When I lost my mom I was four years old. What did I know? I had not the experience yet to comprehend the impact of imagination when it came to comparing my experience in life to those who had yet to experience such an impacting circumstance.
Thirty-four years ago I didn’t have the ability to fully encompass what that initial loss would mean to my future relationships and my perceptions of death and loss of relationships to those still living.
I’ve written many things down about my life and perception. In my opinion it is a treasure trove but obviously I am biased. I haven’t written everyday, but I have written in cycles, and when I find myself in that cycle I tend to write a lot. Perhaps it is because I feel both significant and insignificant in the world all at the same time, and the desire to record this life, outweighs the amount of words or paper I consume and collect in order to prove or assert my existence in the world.
I never thought I would have kids, and Claddagh was my “baby.” Which leads me to the thought that if you feel lonely, the permanent solution does not exist in having a baby. Which to some degree is exactly what I tried to do by acquiring a dog. I’m not saying it was a bad decision, it was (what I am realizing in this moment) a temporary fix to a bigger issue that will still call for some resolution. I suspect that it’s going to take some uncomfortable work to get there. I am literally being forced to see the world with new eyes and I need some sunglasses because I am being blinded by the light.
My love for Claddagh was not only infinite but it was infant. It was an infant kind of love that no words can express because it is too pure for complicated expressions. The world could be expressed in a look or a gesture. Looking at pictures of Claddagh, reflects what I must look like most of the time; deep in some thought far from joyful. I never stopped searching for the origin of the intangible pain beyond my mother.
It too, comes in cycles. All these cycles compress and unfold as time moves in the trajectory that we call forward future while simultaneously existing in a past that is added to by the awareness of its existence.
What is the ultimate lesson of Dog God? “Love yourself as I love you. ”
How can we conceptualize this in reality through the filters of guilt, grief, and distraction? New Age people talk about it all of the time but I don’t think many of them really get what that means because they live in a “do what thou wilt” kind of belief system. I don’t think that I will be able to encapsulate it here because the seed of it’s awareness is just starting to sprout in my consciousness due to the new light shining on it, the conditions have just started to become ripe for its awakening.
The awareness happens with my focus while raking through old weeds. If you read the journals in reverse you see the story unfolding from the beginning. Everything we needed to know was there all along. It is the knot in the rope during tug of war.
If we pay attention close enough, we realize we are never alone. There are things begging our attention all of the time. As I was writing this, I noticed at timed intervals that crab apples were hitting the hood of my car. The branch above the garage door was shaking, and another group of leaves and berries would crash down, causing me to pause my typing.
Finally, I got up to see who wanted my attention. A squirrel… of course. The squirrels and Claddagh had their own daily camaraderie. They would banter back and forth, and Claddagh would chase them up trees and power lines. They definitely had a relationship of sorts that never missed a day.
I felt the squirrel was saying “Hey, I notice your buddy is missing.” And I spoke out loud and told the squirrel what was up, but he could come around as much as he wants and eat all the crab apples his little heart pleases. See, sometimes even the nameless fur balls in your yard, can make it into the amazing story of life.
In the last day, I’ve noticed the bunnies are coming closer to the house as they realize their greatest terrestrial threat has been absent. I noticed there were many more birds in the yard when I came to open the door. Nature is trying to speak to me and right now it’s telling me that I should probably take old Brody for a walk.