Tag Archives: Work

Get Clean!

I hate cleaning. Unless I’m angry.

My initials are M.E.S.; let me break some of this down.

Growing up, my Step Mom was quite the “Martha Stewart” (huh, I wonder if Martha’s middle name is Elizabeth, too).  Each weekend my brother and I had to have our rooms clean by the end of the day on Sunday.

Like most kids I liked to play outside, read books and watch cartoons.  Who in their right mind would want to be inside cleaning, on the weekend?

I saw the down side of cleaning at a young age- that down side, is the strong urge to immediately make another mess.  See, when it is always messy, it just goes through degrees of discord but everything is already out, ready to use at a moments notice.  When it was clean and organized, I would want to use it all, at the same time- right way!

I’d hate to totally misrepresent myself with a false sense of simplistic organization.

The weekends it was easiest to de-clutter and clean, were the weekends I was most upset about something, and may or may not be confined to my room as a sort of punishment.  These were the best cleaning days.  I would take the entire weekend to “disassemble to reassemble”, fueled purely by rage, passion, angst and melancholy.

I would take the rage out, by dumping everything onto the floor, and passionately sorting it all out, pain-painstakingly putting it in it’s  new right place.  The melancholy was evident as I wiped clean the drawers while listening to moody music.  I would clean it ALL, and not just the knick knack shelves and obvious flat surfaces I was required to dust.  I would process my emotions by attempting to control order.

By the time our rooms were to be checked on Sunday, I would be running low on energy and I would end up with a small pile of miscellaneous, which would be dedicated to the perpetual epicenter of chaos that is a junk drawer.

Cleaning, to me represents anger, isolation and process.   It is the absolute feeling of controlling ones own environment.  It can be a safe, yet violent upheaval with peaceful results.  Rearrangement or superficial change are the quickest ways to to feel renewal, or personal shift.  How much we actually settle into the temporary nature of it, depends on the individual.

For me, I am a mess.  I can keep it together for everyone else.   For them, I can color within the lines and organize like no ones business…. but for me, it just doesn’t take a priority.  And that is weird, because I really appreciate cleanliness.

We all know what it is like to stay overnight somewhere and the bathroom is filthy.  “Like, how many years of pubic hairs have accumulated at the base of your toilet?” kind of gross.

My Step Mom helped me to appreciate the not so subtle and subtle nuances of cleanliness.  I am forever grateful that she made me and my brother take turns cleaning the bathroom.  I appreciate the fact that I now have an ingrained disgust for piling amounts of filth.

-Side note, I remember (way back when) I was nineteen, looking for places to live in the SF Bay Area, and I was checking out roommate situations.  I found a Craigslist Ad for a woman looking for live in help/ roommate in the downtown Oakland area.  I figured out how to get there on bus to meet with her and the minute I walked in, I wanted to walk right back out.

I don’t have animal allergies but the minute she opened the door I saw the draft catch a massive amount of cat hair and it was whirled into the air, falling like a cat hair shower.

As she showed me around the place, I mentally noted how it was absolutely puuurfect, except for her inability to clean up after seemingly, anything. The four cats, obviously were not pulling their weight in this household,  rather they were just letting it accumulate in the corners.   I quickly found my way out and back to the bus.

I could tell you more stories about gross roommates, but I will save you your stomach.

I try to be a self contained mess.  My room is organized, overall… but it is cluttered at times mostly with clothes.  If I am in the middle of a project, or a show, my stuff get’s scattered in public areas; I keep this to a minimum.

Then, there is the work space.  It’s much like my childhood bedroom… it goes through a revamp when I am frustrated.  My creativity and cleanliness are both tied to boiling emotions, or anxiety.  Sometimes the anxiety is positive, but it seems rare to have that kind of feeling. ( A For Instance is wanting to impress some one but I kind of run with a “No Fucks Given” kind of attitude, so that kind of thing is rare.)

I think I might want to reevaluate my relationship what what I think Cleanliness and/or Order, are.   My Facebook Cleanse has been good, and I am more bored than before! I like creating content that may be useful… so I am thinking about taking my relationship to Clean to a new level and understanding, especially if it means your interaction and support.

I will start with 10 days and see how it goes. Everyday, I have to clean something and write about it. Deep Clean and Deep Dialog.  Maybe it will be a Conversation with Clean.  What can I deep clean over ten days?  How will it make me and my grandma feel?  (She already thinks I clean too much.)

Where will I start?

Last September, I deep cleaned and reorganized my room from top to bottom.  It had been a few years since I had rearranged.  It felt good, and I was sleeping better. I was able to maintain all of it for just under two months, when a kittery came into my life.  Over all, it’s maintained, but I noticed the layer of dust last night and felt a spark of inspiration to renew, again.

There are plenty of places in this four bedroom, one and a half bath home with an attached garage and basement that need attention, yet again.  Maybe I can reprocess parts of myself by taking note in the journey.  Do you want to hear about healing through cleaning?  They do say that “Cleanliness is next to Godliness”.  This could be interesting.

The nice thing about writing, is the accountability in publishing a series.  I don’t really market or advertise my work.  My follow-ship is pretty small.  If you do like my writing, and benefit from it in some way; I will remind you that it is always okay to share and that I do have a paypal link on the homepage for this site.   I won’t complain a bit if you throw a bone or two my way as an appreciation for the content, and I will make sure to shout you out in the next article.

I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoy writing them.  If you have inspirational ideas or insights, please leave a comment or send me message. I appreciate you and Thank you for your patronage!





Team Project

dbu4zqhpgyRemember, Once Upon A Time… in school, when eventually the teacher would require a team project.  One in which you were not allowed to pick your own group.  Everyone was assigned to their group by the teacher.

Kids like me, hated this.

Kids like me, knew better than to “team up” with just ANYBODY.

No, I was a hard worker, which meant that I wanted to work with the other hard workers… even if they weren’t my favorite people.  I could still admire the fact that they knew how to get down to business and get things done.  I may have no real social entanglements with my team partners, but we were assured a good grade.

Then the project comes along, wherein, all that blows out the window.

In this assignment, everyone has a slacker on their team… except for maybe one lucky team, who coincidentally usually ends up with less people in the group, and they all happen to be highly intelligent and driven.  I would always wonder why I didn’t get selected for that team.

The project would begin, usually with a slower start.  The people in my group would be use to my directive nature, and sit back, and relax while I take the reigns.  I would provoke participation, only to meet a brick wall; knowing in the end, nothing I could say would change their desire to participate.

After all this I would feel used, and drained.  I would feel as though people were taking advantage of my intelligence, drive, creativity, and follow through.

I hated it.  It filled me full of resentment toward both my peers and my teachers.   Especially the teachers.

I would think, “What the hell is wrong with these people to make them think that this assigned group shit is worthwhile on these terms?”

Things like this continue to happen as we get older and out of school.  The boss who takes credit for the work of an employee, the plagiarizer of work done by great artists and thinkers, left to copy and paste into whatever the slacker can not seem to produce for themselves.  I feel like this about artists reproducing the art of someone else, exactly.

Okay, great, you can copy what some one else did, and make it look very similar, perhaps with just a tiny twist of individuality … BUT HAVE YOU NO MIND OF YOUR OWN?  NO STYLE or PERSUASION?    Are you but hollow husks painted to look like a  full head of corn?

This feeling has run into my spiritual life, which I take far more seriously than any of the bullshit we deal with on a mundane basis.

I have been very consciously aware of my connection to the greater whole of humanity for most of my life.  It is that connection alone which leaves me feeling so disconnected at the same time.  It’s as though I was born half in this world, and half in another; and most of the people around me are not interacting with that “other world.”  They don’t understand where I am coming from, or what I am perceiving.

At times it feels very heavy, because it does not just influence me, it influences us all… I just seem to take it harder than most.

In my spiritual world, I have a job.  But it has nothing to do with money, or notoriety, or even happiness.   It is a job much of being a messenger.  Sometimes I have goodness to share, and other times I am the barer of bad news.  And many times, it feels like “DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER.”

I don’t make the rules, I don’t plan the scripting….I just show up, take what I am given and disseminate it to share.  People like me are scattered all over the globe with a tedious job of taking the reigns and leading peers to take a gander at the bigger picture.  To start participating on a higher level.  But we feel in the midst of slackers, who are taking the message too personally and retaliating with spiritual sabotage;  which is such an Earthbound response to knowing that the self is wrong and needs change.

I have to deal with two sets of requirements like taking an Advanced Placement Course.  I have to still mingle with those who don’t grasp the headier concepts.  I have to find patience in dealing with their avoidance.  It really fucking wears me out sometimes.  Imagine living life 24/7… no breaks.  This is the spiritual emotional job I have.  Sometimes people think I am callous, but really I just have little patience anymore for purposeful ignorance.

Now maybe the teachers who are setting us up in these groups… whether physical or spiritual, know something I have not yet grasped.  I mean they must know who strives , and who the slackers are.  They must observe how people catalyze one another, whether for better or worse.  And perhaps it is their experiment toward some sort of social change…. maybe they just think it’s a sick/funny joke.  Either way, we are told, that we will never be given more than we can handle.  I am waiting to see how THAT plays out.

Lately I have felt a tipping point.  I don’t want to help the slackers any more.  There is no excuse for their slacking.  I want them to see that their slacking effects us all, and it puts extra and undue stress on those of us who are already trying to keep balance.  I want to trust that the teachers really know what they are doing, and that they are doing what is best for everyone… but at times those waters are murky.    Lately those waters have been murky.  I want to cash in my chips and to say to hell with it.

But I can’t.  I am not allowed to.  I have to “follow through.”  It’s getting harder, not easier.

If we could all just agree that we are in this together, we all have a spiritual job to do, and show up for… my life would seem less like a losing battle.  I bet you yours would too.