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The Master vs. Resistance~ or~ psychological fuckery meets lofty aspirations of Spirit, yet ends up in a crash n burn situation

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We all have two very archetypal images which motivate our behavior;  there is the Master of the things we know we should do, and the Argumentative Teenager stuck in arrested development, who says “no” to everything, and has a penchant for self destructive behavior, just for the hell of it…(yeah, there are more reasons than the hell of it, but teenagers are rarely self aware enough to ask why…)

My Motivated Master attitude… would be kind; gentle, forthright,  patient, strong, articulate, witty, full of laughter, and deeply rooted in spiritual wisdom and righteousness.  My Master attitude would leave room for expansion and understanding… it would not be quick to judgment or frustration.  I would have a Buddha-like smile.  Basically my master attitude would be like female version of Yoda as a “cool Aunt”.  My attitude would smell like fresh baked cinnamon rolls. But, let’s be honest. That is all ideal; My ACTUAL Master attitude performs much like a teacher who hates kids and always shows up hung over to class. My responses are short, and reeking of agitation.  (If you were curious agitation smells a lot like hot sticky dog shit.)

So what would my Resistance look like?  Probably Honey Boo Boo crossed with an angsty emo American teenager caught in the middle of a temper tantrum. So both my Master and my Resister are both huge bitches. How do I get anything done at all, you might wonder?

Let us step into my imagination for a moment to take a look at how these idealized, internalized archetypes fuck with my whole day; every day.  Here is the set up.  Everyday I know there are things that I SHOULD DO, and Things I HAVE TO DO, and things that I would really just LIKE to do, but somehow I have a hard time motivating myself to do any of it it.

Honey Boo Boo:  I’m bored.

Yoda: Life is stranger then fiction, young Padawan. A powerful ally is the Force. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. There is great focus in the Force.

Honey Boo Boo:  I don’t even know what y’all sayin’ right now.

Yoda:You must unlearn what you have learned.   The dark forces are strong within you. The way is not hidden. Refuse to see, does your mind.

Honey Boo Boo:   I don’t get it.

Yoda: The reason matters not.

Honey Boo Boo:  Your gibberish is weird, fairy godmother.

Yoda: Only a Jedi need know the reason. And a Jedi, you are not.

Honey Boo Boo:  yer dumb! Everything is dumb but ice cream.

Yoda: Accept the anxieties and difficulties of this life. Empty your mind and let it be filled with the Force.

Maybe this is not the best example…Honey boo boo is a red neck and Yoda speaks in broken, open ended answers.  I mean, there isn’t even a potential of conversation here, because of the nonsense. My actual self interaction may look a little bit more like this.

For the sake of diversity it will still be played out by my actual Master Bitch Monster and Emo Boo Boo.

–Get the FUCK outta bed, and get going!

I don’t want to.

-Up and at em you lazy piece of skin… You have a shit ton to do for me today, no excuses. 

I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna.

–

Cooperation with myself is not my strong set.  I am not really a “team player.”

So, what’s up? Maybe I like being miserable. Maybe I am a little Sadomasochistic with myself and maybe I like doing the same old nothing.  But really it would all be a lie.

Who the fuck cares?

I am about ready to beat the shit out of you, because it seems to me, that is all you are full of these days.  Just shitty shit coming out of your mouth.  It stinks, and I am sick of it.

Bring it on, Bitch.

Dude, you are all bark and no bite.  You are lazy and pessimistic.  You have no idea what it means to have a good time, or to be kind, or empathetic.  You are a sad, miserable Miser, and I am tired of catering to your mood swings.  You need to leave.  You need to go figure some shit out before I can deal with you, again.

Fuck you, I am not leaving.   I have just as much right to be here as you!

Bullshit.  YOU are PLAYED OUT!  People like me have had to deal with people like you since the beginning of time.  The game is old, and your attitude toward me is completely unacceptable.  I can’t even believe I have let you hang around so long.  You’re like a heavy weight, and you sure as fuck don’t act like a friend… so why the fuck should I have to carry your heavy ass?

Whatever, Dude.  You’re weak.

No, DUDE. You are weak.  I have carried your ass around for so long, and all you do is keep me from really having more fun and experience in my life.  I don’t know how many times I didn’t do something I really wanted to do, in order to sit at home and listen to your sorry ass cry about shit that you could change.  I listened to you whine about how you are bored, and you have nothing to do.  Meanwhile, I would feed you really great suggestions and you would just blow them all off with excuses.   No wonder you have no friends.  No wonder you have nothing more to talk about than your misery.

Wow, that’s really a low blow.  Blaming it all on me, like that.

You should really take a course in self awareness and admitting your faults.  I use to think you were an asset to my team.  Your ability to resist temptation USE to be really admirable.  But now you just resist, everything that could potentially be good for us.  You say ‘yes’ to the most fucked up stuff, and you are hurting both of us.

Fuck you.

No, Fuck you!  I want to play.  I want to paint, and write, and sing, and dance.  I want to get out in nature and move my body.  I want to have nice, strong, willing friends.  I want to look at myself in the mirror and not see you looking back at me with that stupid melancholy face.  Here I am, taking the time to tell you, that you are fucking up with me.  And I don’t want to take it any more.  I have spent far too much time just listening to your sad procrastination, which has led to more procrastination.  I have tried patience, kindness, support, opportunity and love.  You reject all these things, so I think I am going to have to tough love you.

What the fuck is that suppose to mean.

Well, I guess, if you aren’t going to take the initiative to get the fuck out of my house; I am just going to have to ignore you.

You can’t ignore me.

The hell I can’t.  Watch me.

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The Wonder of Creation

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AS IF Life itself were not paradoxical enough; IN comes Creation!

On EVERY level, if given enough attention; Creation, is… controversial.

Take God, and Evolution out of the mix.  Creation is an entity and force within itself, and it is a whim of contradiction. It is always moving, and effecting even with out our intention… Creation is beyond expression and consciousness.

It could be likened to the comical mystery of whether the egg or the chicken came first.  Even smallest evolutions are creations… The body creates new cells, which are creation.  Those cells either function properly supporting creation, sometimes those cells adapt and that is still a form of creation.  People come up with ideas and implement them; still creation.

Two people, or a person and science get together to procreate, which is still creation.

Now ask your self, “why not create?”   Especially if nature does it already to the benefit as well as the detriment of other creations.  Creation is an exploding, imploding system of organized chaos.

If the only thing in certain creation is consciousness, then every conscious creation should first ask why not?  Creation is an expenditure of energy, so for every creation there is an effect outward from its influence.

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“Relativity” – Spray Paint on Canvas by Me….

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This guy does all this art with spray paint and stencils… it’s pretty epic. He even does commissions and ships world wide… get some art up on your wall

urbanwallart's avatarRay Ferrer - Emotion on Canvas

“Relativity“ – An Albert Einstein Tribute.

Spray Paint on Canvas by Me.

20″ x 16″
Original / One of a Kind / Signed

**SOLD**    More artwork available here  —–>   More Artwork for sale

Ferrer - Relativity

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Fit Body Boot Camp

Fit Body Boot Camp: Day Three (oh me,oh my)

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It has been very exciting getting into this regimen; so exciting in fact, that I have been loosing sleep over it.  I am tired as heck, but each time I go to lay down, my brain is spinning over what I did at class.  Add that into a few personal issues at home that are giving me paranoia… and you have a person who hasn’t slept much in four days.

I was amped to get up and try the 6 am class; so I did my best and laid down at 10pm.  And no matter how hard I tried to clear my mind, or listen to “soothing sounds to sleep to”; something would inevitably jostle me awake just as my body was starting to simmer in to slumber.

2 am, I was jostled, yet again, to my dog.  And I got agro… “Why the fuck won’t any one let me sleep, FUCK!”

And with that, my blood pressure was up, and the blood was circulating, and I was again wide awake.

So much for 6 am class.

My natural circadian rhythm, usually lulls me asleep at about 6:30 am.  About the time I was born into this world, and gave up the struggle of escape.  I knew at 4 am, this would be the inevitable outcome.

Instead of further frustrating myself I committed to making the noon class, which would give me ample time to rest and reset before going and getting my ass handed to me.

Like most first week Fitters, I am sore; but I think I might be less sore then some.  I am making sure to take my magnesium, and to start and finish the day with stretches.  I had no idea what I would be in for today, but I did see some ones status update… and they mentioned burpees.

I admire a good burpee, I have watched them on the interwebs.  I myself , had never tried one, until today.  Wait, I am getting ahead of myself.

Today was jam packed with things I haven’t ever done before… like a proper push up.

Yes, today I realized my form in pushups has been wrong, for, forever.

“Elbows go back, Not to the sides!  HEAD UP!”

Well, shit.

Not only have I been doing it all wrong, I realized the muscles needed to do a full push up; in me, have atrophied.

Instead of getting frustrated,  I took it slow and committed to proper form.  I didn’t look like a push up even with the modified form.  I felt like a beached seal, just sort of twitching. Each one harder than the one before.

“Do the best you can, stretch after each one if you need to!”

Yep that was me.  Twitch and stretch, twitch and stretch.

As ridiculous, as I am sure it looked… I didn’t quit.  I didn’t push harder than I knew my body could handle.

“Each one you do is getting you closer to a full pushup!”

Which brings me back to the blessed Burpee.  Here I am, lifting more body mass than I ever have in my life; barely able to even begin to get my chest near the floor in a push up… and here comes Burpees.  A push up is an integral part of a Burpee.  But instead of potential hurting myself, trying to get all rambunctious with it, I walked myself through it methodically.  I brought myself gently to the ground, got my hands under my shoulders; kept my elbows back, looked up, and twitched. I brought my body back up and reached for the sky…over and over and over again.

If your excuse is, ” I can’t even do a push up.”  Eat your words.  I can’t do a push up either, yet.

It takes time,energy, and consistency to build and train muscles for strength and endurance.  It doesn’t happen over night, and neither did getting out of shape.  We can get to either place, just depending on our attitude.

If there is one thing I would encourage any Fitter, or newbie who is getting into fitness to do; is commit to yourself to not get frustrated or give up on yourself.  To embrace the knowing it took you a while to get unhealthy, it is going to take you a while to get healthy.  If you get frustrated; KNOW the only person you are REALLY competing with, is yourself.  If you feel like quitting; KNOW that you began, because you were unhappy with your body, and that ONLY YOU can change that.  There is no magic pill that will make you wake up strong and healthy; full of endurance.

I chose Cheyenne Fit Body Boot Camp  because it is a very encouraging environment with accountability.  It is a place that will make you work hard and will push you; all while working with your current level of fitness.  No one makes you feel bad about yourself, or as if you are being compared to any one else..  If you feel that way, KNOW it is ALL in your head.  Turn it around if you find you are comparing yourself to some of the more advanced Fitters; then admire them as inspiration toward achieving your goals.  Most importantly; KNOW: EVERYONE starts SOMEWHERE.

If you  are interested in the Fit Body Program, and my journey through boot camp you can read about them at these links Consultation, First Day, and Second Day.  If you are interested in seeing if there is a boot camp in your area click here.

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I want a better body, I want a better mind

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Can I open this up by saying, it doesn’t thrill me to have to face this head on, in public; however, maybe it is best that I do, as to keep some sort of accountability.  Something which I do not have a strong relationship with, with either myself or others. 

To get right into it…

I am sick of my body.

I am sick of desiring some sort of perfection that I had six years ago. Yet didn’t totally appreciate at the time. Back when I had more will power, motivation, and chutzpa to offer.  Back when I was more clear headed but obviously also very ignorant.   Back when one of the biggest motivating factors in looking good, was just trying to catch a better looking man, than I thought possible.

There has always been a side of my personality, which is very aware of health and wellness.  There is a larger part that takes it’s rebellious cues and ignores the signs and symptoms of a system out of balance.  And it tries very hard to combat activity with laziness.

My sister is in her second trimester of pregnancy, and if I were to stick my stomach out, while standing next to her, you may think we are both pregnant.   Mind you, I am not.  I have just gotten really good at sucking my gut in.   It isn’t as easy as it use to be.

I went through a period of depression and inactivity.  What use to only be about 3 months of inactivity, turned into well over 24 months of stagnation.

The fatty fatness and sluggishness creep up on a person.   Perhaps the first month of depression, there may be weight loss… which is great, but a product of unhealthy behavior.  Month two, the body will be tired, but it will look alright.  Month three brings on the bloat and weight gain in such incremental amounts that it seems like a slow and indecipherable crime.

I have spent the majority of my life in public view.  Theatre, improv, commercials, just being a silly goof, and youtube.  By doing these things it has kept my awareness toward how I look to others, and how I perceive myself through the lens of a camera.  It has been my best accountability.   However early this year my youtube account was terminated, and I lost all of my hard work.  It kind of felt like my motivation and sense of humor were terminated at the same time.

My frustrations led me to sitting in front of the computer, sort of chain smoking, looking for an answer online.  I downloaded yoga vids and did that for a couple of weeks… but at night I would drink and stay up really late, and feel shitty in the morning.  So I wouldn’t get up until close to noon, which just started the day feeling like I had already lost out on half of it.

I look at the cycles of my life, and realize I was a far more balanced person when I was younger.  I was far more prone to short cycles  of depression, when I was active in participating with humanity in creative ways.   I was distracted by things other than my depression.  Whereas now a days, it seems like the only thing I can focus on.

Like the antidepressant commercials say, “Have you lost interest in your favorite activities?”

Why, YES! Yes, I have!

I am not going to lie to you and say that I have always been a “yes-man.”  In fact, I am very much an “ambivalent-no-man.”

“Do you want to go for a walk with me.”

No.

“Do you want to play some music?”

Uh, No.

“Would you like to play dress up and make a video?”

I look and feel fat.  No.

“Why don’t you go write a story, or paint?”

I don’t want to.

My life goes in these circles of offerings and turn downs.  And this isn’t the way I want it to go… but, it’s just that NOTHING, and NO ONE seem appealing.  I prefer to sit alone in my miserable state, painted in a corner with no way out.

There is a prevalent loneliness which I have experienced for the entirety of my time in this incarnation.  I can not tell you for sure where it comes from, but I have my ideas, and I don’t think that I can take all the credit for how it effects me.

I have a strong desire, to beat this loneliness and to not feel it in such an all encompassing way.  Much of this has to do with support systems, and avenues of encouragement vs. enabling attitudes.  I have been a great enabler over time, and it seems to have caught up with me, and it seems to be handcuffed to Ambivalence.

I was the type of kid, whom everyone (including myself) thought something great would transpire for me in life.  Not graced with the best looks; but graced with talent, a biting sense of humor and a dorky charm.  Well I don’t feel talented anymore, in this world…. and my sense of humor has been dormant for some time, only coming out once in a blue moon.

I would trade all of this enabling and ambivalence to have my sense of humor and talent back.  I wouldn’t mind trading in 3/4 of my depression for a better and more suiting perspective…. as I find depression gives me a pallor and doesn’t hang well on my frame.

I have become a queen of excuses.  Sitting on a pile of shit ignoring demands for no good reason.

I don’t want to be this way.  I want to call women into my life, who want to workout with me.  Who want to reacquaint me with encouragement and sensibility.

I have spent much of my life, encouraging and helping others in anyway I have been able.

It’s now my turn to ask for help.  I have gotten out of practice in asking and receiving, and I think it is time to make a shift.  I will work on that, and have faith that those I need with be there to catch me when I fall through to the other side.

 

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Where Are Our Heros?

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Who do you look up to?  Why?  What endearing or respectful qualities does this person carry, worthy of being a hero?  Do you, yourself also harness these qualities, or do you envy them and worship them in others, whilst not embracing them into yourself?

Let me tell you about my Hero.

Now I am not a religious person.  I do not buy into secular doctrine presented through Churches or religious organization.  I have spent some hours in the bible, and at Bible College.  I have continued my research into spirituality and faith through my own accord and intuition.

My hero is whatever the embodiment of Christ Consciousness is.  And let me tell you, he ain’t no hippie dippy Jesus.

Take a moment to check out this video, to see Christ Consciousness in action.

The Best NEW Trend on the Internet

Notice these guys and their sense of humor regarding all the useless trends out there.  AND then notice the authentic looks of surprise and humility of the participants in Making Homeless People Smile, WORLDWIDE.

This video makes me cry every time, because it is genuine.  And it mentally takes me back to a time in my life when I was 19.

I was attending Manhattan Christian College in Manhattan, Kansas.  Just a Podunk school of about 500 students directly across from Kansas State University campus.

Now I only attended MCC for a semester.  I left with a 0.0 GPA, because I stopped going to classes in order to fulfill what I felt to be actual work from the level of Christ Consciousness.

It started out as a birthday trip to Kansas City, Missouri.  I had a bunch of birthday money, and my new best friend, Natasha, in tow.  We hoped to get into an 18 and over club.  We hoped to push the boundary on this new level of perceived freedom, being away from home for the first time.  Pushing boundaries.

I rented a hotel room, we called a cab… and we went into the city for fun.

The night never really panned out as we planned.  Early into the evening we were kidnapped by our cab driver… who was from foreign country.  And maybe things got a little weird because we were pretending to be something we weren’t… we were playing roles in this new city.

We never made it to a club.  We did however walk around town on this Friday night… and I saw something I had never really seen before…lots and lots of homeless people, and lots and lots of young drunk student types.  And in this situation of newness, I was witness to yet another thing I was not prepared to see.  Those young drunk students, being incredibly mean, rude, disrespectful and inhumane to the homeless population.

I was shocked and disgusted.  I had my own experiences with bullying, but this was like watching some sort of sick torture.

Students purposely spilling soda on sitting homeless beggars.  One young (I hesitate to use the word man) maliciously kicked a homeless vet’s hat, which was sitting on the ground full of change.  The snickering fools walking off as the Vet scrambled across the sidewalk to gather his lost money.

In that moment, some thing flickered inside of me, and in a warm rush it is as though I stepped aside in my own body, and the Spirit of something Bigger came into my heart.  It was as though my consciousness had blacked out, and been replaced by the voice and Spirit of Christ.

First thing I knew was, these people need to eat.  They need some food.  I have money.  There is a pizza shop.  I can feed them.

So I walk up to a pizza shop window called By The Slice.  The guy behind the window is named Jude.  Hey Jude.

With confidence, I ask Jude for two large pizzas.

“We don’t sell whole pies here.  We only sell by the slice.”

“Well, I am gonna need two whole pizzas.”

“It’s going to be pretty expensive.”

“I don’t really care, there are some homeless people out here that need to eat.  I need two pizza’s and a large Mountain Dew.”

Jude smiles, while shaking his head.  He tells me it will be a couple minutes before the next pie is out, and he proceeds to ring me up for $91.11.  Damn most expensive pizza’s I have ever paid for.  But whatever, it was birthday money… and what was I going to do?  Probably buy an over priced t-shirt from Ambercrombie, just because it says “Wyoming” across the front?  Yeah, probably.  An Ambercrombie shirt is about as useful as planking.

While all this is happening, Natasha is in the run around of my journey while following what ever this Celestial Whim was.

I got the pizzas and walked back to the two Vet’s  who had their change kicked around.  I stood above them with the boxes of pizza.

“Would you like some pizza?”  I ask.  I am confronted with looks of horror and skepticism.

“Don’t tease us.”  One responds.

“I am not teasing.  Would you like some pizza?”  I open the box and one of the men pulls a piece out, and hands it to the fellow next to him, and shuts the lid to the box.

“You can take more than that… you can take as much as you want.”  I open the box again, and let them take out two pieces each.

The man who had not yet said anything now looks at me with tears in his eyes, and asks “Are you mad at me?”

And in this moment, I know he is not talking to ME, but to the Spirit within me in that moment.  That warm Spirit which was taking over, while I stepped aside and outside above myself, watched and listened as the words “No, I am not mad at you…I love you.”  pour from my lips.  Something I, myself, would NOT have said.  He begins to cry.

I connected with this man’s eyes. I saw his soul and he saw my sacred heart.  I continued down the road, looking for the desolate hovering in corners.  I shared what I have to give.  Few people asked for money, which I did not give, because the goal was to make sure people were fed and monetary charity is not my style.

This all happened in September of 1999.  I had only been at school a few weeks… but this trip changed my life, and it changed me.   School to learn who Christ was, no longer seemed like the real way to experience what that love and compassion are.  I felt stifled living in a bubble of people who tout a title called Christian… but would only actually do service in community a couple times of year.  Helping people seemed like it should be a daily exercise in spiritual growth and development.

The college had some strict rules on leaving campus.  So I lied, and told them I was signing out on the weekend to visit family.  Really I was renting hotel rooms on credit, and using the money I made at the Christian radio station I worked at, to buy bread, peanut butter and jelly; bags of chips, juice boxes, cookies and packages of granola, plastic sammie bags, brown paper lunch sacks and napkins.

Then I would drive it all to Kansas City, and stay for the weekend walking around alone down town, looking for people to feed.  I never felt like I was in any risk of danger, because I was certain whatever was working through me is INVINCIBLE!   It was a huge practice in sacrifice and faith.  It has been from that point on in life that I knew I was to live in Service to Humanity.

I probably took six trips to KC that semester.  One of the excursions a young man, about my age was curious as to what I was doing and why.  And it created the most beautiful dialog, because to him, it made sense.  And in that moment of it making sense, he wanted to give everything he had in order to help.

“Should I give them my money?” He asked.

“I don’t give money.  I will buy something for some one if they express need, however.  I think that charity through money is like trying to build a garden without getting your hands dirty.  It is easy to just give some one some money, and then they go off and buy beer or drugs… you just send them off on their way.  But when you feed a person, or take them to buy something they need, then you are actually participating in service.  You are sharing soul space.”

“Have you ever had anyone be mad at you for not giving them money?”

“Yes.  And I don’t care.  If they get mad they obviously didn’t want what I have to offer.  I can’t offer everything to everybody, but I can share what I do have and try to share it wisely.”

“That makes a lot of sense.”  And when he walked away, I felt certain his heart had been stirred.

Over the years my service has changed shape and form.  But it is the lesson of Christ Consciousness and the Righteous power that we have through harnessing It, which can create a landslide of change in fairly short period of time.

If you believe you live a life of righteous service, and yet you have never felt the Infinite Power of True Selfless Love… you have been living in a delusion, and perhaps you should step outside of your comfort zone for a while.  There is nothing wrong with Humility and there is nothing wrong with getting dirty every once in a while.  Selfless service is rarely a neat and tidy procedure; but I guarantee that afterward you will feel lighter and with a new sense of strength and purpose.

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Moving Forward into “Normal”

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It’s the day after my grandfathers memorial service.  I had a dozen people at our house in order to commune and share food after the small family gathering and 21 gun salute at the cemetery.

A dozen or so people of blood relation, that I do not REALLY know.

And in a way, it kind of doesn’t matter, because when I look into their faces, I see my self.  And I see my history.  I see the individuation of myself spread out in a dozen different but similar faces.   This seems good enough.

Perhaps if I had time with them each, one on one, I would be asking questions and probing for answers on our connections… but I do not have the time for that… and to some degree maybe it isn’t even that important these days.

I use to wonder more about my family, but they aren’t the type to share, “just any story.”   They all have their favorites, their classics, their patchwork of the bigger picture.  Though I find it interesting, it’s the missing pieces I find far more interesting.  I guess that is when I really start to use my imagination.

The ceremony for my grandfather was short and sweet.  Just like him.  I think he approves.

Today is a new day, and there are new patterns to be laid.  New ways we have to go into each moment… because now, for my grandmother, she doesn’t have him to look forward too, despite the depressive nature of sitting in a nursing home watching a person struggle with Dementia.

Today we can be thankful that even though her legs hurt, at least she can still move them; and even though she can’t see well, at least she can still see… and even though she can’t chew so well, she can still chew enough to eat.  And we start to become thankful for what we DO have.  And we appreciate what we have lost, but with new eyes.

Life is never going to be “normal.”  It can only be a dance of balance.  Today is a new day to test the potentials of perception of “normal” and move forward into our own definition.

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At What Point Am I REALLY In Another Dimension… and When Have I REALLY Gone Batshit Crazy.

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Life sure is following it’s own course in my life.  The ups and downs though, have found themselves in synch with a symphony which I know from some other time and reference which is not quite reachable…. and so in that way I am like my grandmother who forgets things.

Today my grandfather died… my aunt, his daughter only died a little less than a month ago… I lost my mother when I was 4, in January of 85, on her mothers birthday…

My family speaks so blatantly through their Spirit, that it seems silly any of them would have sadness…toward Death.

Especially when it is a long, drawn out process…. but they really, the sadness they have, is regret.

Things not done, or said.  Wanting more, choosing to give less.  Asserting Life that did not include those who no longer Live with Us.

This is hard for people.  This is a life transition which holds so much weight.  We weigh out our years and experiences with people.  We weigh ourselves in our present moment and see impact of past…. we want more.

And today, my partner, in a (I think funny way???) asked me if I should get my head checked out.

Death has been a part of my life since before I was old enough to go to Kindergarten.

My most significant point of reference for life, was wiped off the Earth.  My Mother.

I have spent the last 28 years in Reflection, Contemplation, Observation, Critique, Judgment, Assessment and Theory to try and understand some sort of Pattern or Reason to this Malady.

Perhaps you are asking about all the words with capitals, but they have been anthropomorphized by my Experience and therefore Attributes vs. Abstracts.

I have met these Attributes, and I have concluded that Love is Essential.

It is when we are able to see HOW and WHY of any one or thing that Effects Us personally… as to the greater Wisdom.

How does one Create?  One learns how things work and why; their personal influence and it’s Overall Effect on Vision…

Things change.

In my sense of crazy, the voices have gotten stronger…

The premonitions have become more vivid…

People will  tell me to stay off drugs, or to get back on my meds, or to take the tin foil hat off… or whatever…

The voices I have, are of my family on the other side of the veil.

I now have four strong voices in my head…

My mother, who exacerbates my inclinations toward cussing… and loves to love in a sort of crass way… she likes affection, and I fight her.  She also has guided my writing hands for as long as I have chosen to take up writing… which was taught to me by my grandmother, her mother, whose mother (my great grandmother) was a teacher.  My mother also bonds me to her siblings, which other than deep dedication to the understanding, I am like ALL of them in SOME way… I could be seen as reclusive, but also a world Bridger of sorts. My mother set me up to be a world bridger.

My Brother.  My best friend and comrade of youth.  How we tatteled and told so… but he speaks to me through music, as it was a bond, he also tattles through my writing of certain things… and he comes to my dreams in every age of face possible to the incarnation he had in this time.  He was the first death that came through one of my visions.  He showed me something that I would have to be prematurely aware of in order to be able to represent him through my family in their pain… but also to be with them through their pain and NOT be a nutcase.

January of last year, my gramps fell ill… my aunt who had been living at her elderly parents home, was having special treatment for her condition in Denver, 100 miles away.

My cell phone wasn’t working, and neither was the wifi on my computer.  I was about 200 miles away in a rural residential area.  My car was “broken” and I was off grid for a week staying with friends… not really sure what the Universe wanted next.

I picked up a loose WiFi signal from some neighbors and had an hour of internet… I checked my messages and one from my dad said my Grandfather was put in the hospital… I immediately panicked for my Grandma… she is one of the greatest Loves of my life…and for so many reasons.

I had to get my car fixed… some guys who do meth gave it a radiator flush and some other help… I still left with my car smoking and acting funny, only to find out the radiator cap had been left off the car…

I got back into town… my grandma at the hospital with him.. and no one to let the dog out back at her house.

I camped out.  She needed someone there.  I went to her house, and let her dog out, and for the next four months I slept in the same bed as my grandma.  In my grandpas spot, just so she didn’t feel alone,

Sorry to say, but my rather celibate lifestyle and my penchant for sleep masturbation brought an end to that nonsense… I mean I was 31… waking up to MYSELF doing this, with my grams, just a couple feet away on the same mattress, that probably never saw her and her husband knocking’ boots.

Perhaps people just let things slide in the olden days, but I was not okay with it… so the task of cleaning the basement of my aunts hoarding came into play, in order to find a modicum of liberation.

Liberation kind of turned me into a bitchier bitch than I already was…

I got here, to this place, where my grandma needed SOMEONE to just BE there and DO SOMETHING with her… and I threw myself in, so hard.  We played several games of cribbage a day… an old fav of everyone in this house.  Even this was painful… all she could think of was my grandfather and his brother who had only died a year previously.  They had been her partner and opponent.  She was sad… She didn’t like the game as much, even though I was funny and we played hands that were hands neither of us had ever seen.  And, I am pretty sure she had played over  a million hands of cribbage.

I tried really hard.  I knew my aunt was a hoarder before she got there.  She had already been labeled…. While she was in Denver, I talked to her on the phone, and I told her that I believed in her, but she had to let go.  But that I would be there to help her and I had her back… all she had to do was try.

My aunt came home, and I never feel like she “REALLY” tried.  I lost my drive, and gave up on her permission.  I started to go through it anyway and throw away trash… secretly I felt like I was killing her by getting rid of the “filler” that was her material possessions, which mostly just added up in trash shat on by mice or disseminated by meal worms.

I felt like I was digging up a carcass which was pulling out her life force… and, maybe, I guess; because of her condition, I didn’t find pain in it… because I know she wasn’t living or enjoying her present life, and that which she was coveting, was just a past tainted and unattainable.

I kind of feel like I helped my aunt go… but in a very energetic way.  I read her writing and her Spirit was SO MUCH BIGGER and BEAUTIFUL than her ability to exist on this Earth with Dignity.  And that is sad… but truth.  The most honest and beautiful people on this planet, are usually physically and materially less than desirable.  Spirit works in weird ways and our treasures are not of this world… neither are we, to some degree.

The day before my aunt went, I was gifted with a vision… it told me my sister was pregnant with a girl (maybe 2 or 3?) and that my aunt would go.  My sister called me the next morning and I knew her news before she shared… my aunt died later that night.

Most people are not fixated on the Spirit of a person; it isn’t their point of reference for importance.   So when you see another, judgment might make you inclined to be disappointed, it is superficial…  Our Spirit is looking into other Spirits and this is why Love is the transcendent factor.

I judged my aunt for a long time.  She left my cousin, who is five years older , and like a brother to me.  She left him as a near adult, but she left him in her own mess with little to fall back on, but his own reserve and talent.

And he is a success today.  Not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of the community… but what do I wish?

I wish she would have been more honest with herself and those around her.  I wish she would have expressed her intentions.

I wish that I get to see my cousin more often and hang out.. because we get along, and have common interests and history… and we love each other.

My mother, who died when I was four, has whispered in my head, ears and heart; for a VERY LONG time, that We All Just Need To Communicate, And Then The Love Will Come…

And everyone has been fighting it… even me.  I went away from home for a dozen years because I thought I could just Mandie-fest what my family didn’t offer.  While away, I learned I was just enough like each of them, for better or worse, that there was no escape… and when need called me home I HAD TO GO.  I was representing more than myself in a sinking ship.

It’s not because no one tried… it’s just the unintentional anchors are adrift.  We raised a family of amazing, talented, and some what antisocial people.

We raised a family which is so interesting, but also so incongruent.  And that is fine.. but these voices in my head from these people no longer physically incarnate… don’t want it to end like this.  They honor All of It.  And they seem a little forceful to share it, through me….

I want to share it, because I believe it.  I think it is valid and potentially beneficial.  My family is weird and amazing.  I think we could potentially share a lot of great ideas on evolution with one another, IF we could just make the time or share the passion…  It’s what my voices want.

And these voices of my family tell me that they approve and they want to see me truck on… but how far am I willing to go, or try???  My most recent track record finds itself weak and that is a shame… I know I could do better…

Tomorrow, er today is a new day to try and formulate how that can be created.

Art, insight, Writing

Reasons Active Un-involvement Is Better Than Activism

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Are you the type of person who gets upset and fired up about injustice in the world?

Are you the type of person who will join a cause in order to put your hands in the pot of injustice; in order to stir the contents, and hope the stew comes out better than when you first involved yourself?

Do you throw yourself head first into “causes” which seem to only de-evolve and leave you with a bruised head and ego?

Then maybe you should take a step back and look at so called “activism.”

Activism is in direct relation to Polarity. Activism rarely has any real solutions… rather it is a vehicle for sharing information and through that information polarizing people by bringing smaller groups together, and isolating others through conflict.

Do I believe in Human Rights and Free Will? Yes.
Do I believe Activist groups are really looking out for the greater good? Not really.

Their intentions may seem spotless, but the fact is that they are creating a sort of black hole when it really comes to change.

Maybe you will say… “what about all those people in Egypt who are rioting… don’t you think that is activism?”

Well no, I don’t… I actually see it as Active Un-Involvement.

People who are willing to say “fuck going to work, fuck going to the store, fuck this system! We are gonna rally in the streets and stop the machine by stopping participation with the expectations of our keepers.” That is active un-involvement.

The first reason this is better than activism, is because the only real way to beat any system, is to remove yourself from it. To live life as is right by your heart vs what the mainstream says.

The solution is not to start an “anti” campaign. Anti-campaigns only create more conflict by saying “this thing over here is bad.” By creating an anti-campaign you are actually still participating with the thing you do not agree with. You are not pulling yourself from participation with the other side.

A person can yell against GMO’s all day… but if they are still buying their food from a big chain grocery store… they are in direct conflict of their message.

Proof is in action, not activism. Hate GMO’s? Boycott the grocery store, build a green house and start tending your vegetables.

Invite people to eat them, or to buy starts off you…. That is Active Un-involvement, which offers a non violent active solution to an idea or system your head and heart do not agree with.

I would have to say that sincere “anti- car” cyclists are the most Active in Un-Involvement as it gets… They ride their bikes everywhere. In highly congested areas they get where they need to be faster… their calves are usually really nice, and they have found a very productive solution to staying away from the oil industry. I once had a friend like this who had ” Fuck Cars” tattooed across her calves… so while she was speeding through traffic, the drivers of cars could see her point, very clearly.

Active Un-Involvement is a way for a person to REALLY live their Truth. If you don’t agree with something, don’t buy into it. Don’t give it your energy… instead redirect your energy into the solution.

Activism, like I said, is really great for the dissemination of information… but rarely does it go much further.

Think about how much money has gone into “finding a cure for cancer,” when we have had several all along. People have been fed a placebo idea, that it is some how wrong to question alternatives and fall out of line with corrupt ideals.

People who actively un-involve themselves are free thinkers. They do not rely on a group to tell them what is right or wrong… rather they take all the information into account and think for themselves. These same people are usually very tired of falling into rank when it comes to ideas they don’t agree with, and instead of fighting back… they just drop out and create the circumstances they would like to see.

Now maybe you are reading all this, and you disagree. You think things are just fine the way they are. Or maybe you consider yourself to be an activist and this is just down right sacrilege…

Are you going to start an “anti Madge Midgely” blog? Are you going to funnel your energy into telling me I am wrong? Or are you going just blow off this article as bullshit and go right back to your campaign? Most likely you will simmer over it for a minute and move on, maybe even start your own blog about activism. And that is okay… that is your first recognition that you are capable of active un-involvement.

We don’t have to bash anyone, or any thing. We just have to educate people and allow them to think for themselves with the solution that they CAN DO ANYTHING they put their mind to, and the best way to be active is to just go and do it and see what happens.

We each choose to actively un-involve ourselves in many ways through out life… whether it is the conscious effort to not be involved in gossip, or whether it is a boycott on the Nestle’ Corp. We choose where we want to put our energy.

If you feel a massive amount of conflict in your life… look at how many mental “anti campaigns” you have running through your program. Shut them off. Redirect your mental energy into seeing why things exist the way they do, figure out what works and what doesn’t. Figure out what brings you most piece of mind and heart. Follow that, and start being active with your True Self and not the bi-polar conflict of belief without real action. Educate yourselves on Many Points of View… and then discern the Truth.

dove