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Thank you

Thank You

I am writing this as a “Thank You” to all of you who have touched my life, or in return, have been touched by mine.

It is easy to get caught up in ourselves; our world is very ego centric. It is easy to take things and people for granted; to forget that we are all in a symbiotic relationship.

I want to spend this post, thanking those who have imparted some influence on my course in life… which is nothing at all like I thought it would be: once upon a time ago.

Many times, I have told myself, that “I feel too much.” And it is overwhelming. However, as an empath, I just feel all the time, on such an acute scale… it is hard to describe it in detail.

For me, it has come as depressions. Luckly, I know I am strong enough to ride the storm, but, admittidly, they are annoying. No one wants to be unhappy and stifled for weeks on end.

This letter of appreciation, is for all of you who have believed in me, and supported me through my doldrums. It is for those of you, who showed up to read a post, because you needed it in the moment.

My life has been one of servatude to humanity. My work, on such a small scale, is an act of prevention and inspiration.

I know that it is realistically insane to be happy or upbeat, all of the time. Not only that… but it is hard to do. I know that we are all sorts of sensative about things, people and situations, due to our past experiences. I know that certain things can act as triggers to deeper feelings, often catalyzed in an unintentional way. I know that sometimes a stranger says the perfect thing, at the perfect time.

I write for that part of a human. I write to that part of the human. I don’t reach millions of people per day… maybe five on a really productive day. I don’t do what I do for fame or following… I do it because I have been there. Once upon a time, I needed my own medicine and there was no one to administer the remedy. Mostly because I didn’t believe in myself.

I say THANK YOU, because I know whole heartidly that there is no way we would end up connected, if we didn’t have something to connect over.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for feeling and using resources to reach connection. Thank you.

Thank you for having the strength to try and figure yourself out and do better for yourself.

I am blessed to be reaching you, who are only miles or oceans away. I am blessed to have your input and opinion based off your own personal experience.

Thank you for showing up. Thank you for allowing me space to be vulnerable. I appreciate the ability to be heard by you; my wish, is to always leave something worth thinking about; in hopes that when we leave ourselves, we leave them better than when we found ourselves.

Thank You.

If there are topics you would like to discuss, please leave a comment, and I will work on that.  I want to bring you content that inspires you to come back for more.  I would love a deeper dialog on here, and it is YOU, I am talking to.

My Angle of Depression

How we feel, isn’t just “how we feel.” There are certain programs in place that advocate continuing the feeling of displacement. Those who are sensitive, and are proactive in working through old trauma, see examples of mental oppression in sources which we wouldn’t readily attach isolation. Check it. The world is changing, and so are we… Curriculum may not represent us….however we represent the byproduct of Academia and it’s “little lessons.” just as we are a byproduct of so many other influences… the best you can hope for when seeking education… is a fair education. This is not the case in reality…

The Master vs. Resistance~ or~ psychological fuckery meets lofty aspirations of Spirit, yet ends up in a crash n burn situation

We all have two very archetypal images which motivate our behavior;  there is the Master of the things we know we should do, and the Argumentative Teenager stuck in arrested development, who says “no” to everything, and has a penchant for self destructive behavior, just for the hell of it…(yeah, there are more reasons than the hell of it, but teenagers are rarely self aware enough to ask why…)

My Motivated Master attitude… would be kind; gentle, forthright,  patient, strong, articulate, witty, full of laughter, and deeply rooted in spiritual wisdom and righteousness.  My Master attitude would leave room for expansion and understanding… it would not be quick to judgment or frustration.  I would have a Buddha-like smile.  Basically my master attitude would be like female version of Yoda as a “cool Aunt”.  My attitude would smell like fresh baked cinnamon rolls. But, let’s be honest. That is all ideal; My ACTUAL Master attitude performs much like a teacher who hates kids and always shows up hung over to class. My responses are short, and reeking of agitation.  (If you were curious agitation smells a lot like hot sticky dog shit.)

So what would my Resistance look like?  Probably Honey Boo Boo crossed with an angsty emo American teenager caught in the middle of a temper tantrum. So both my Master and my Resister are both huge bitches. How do I get anything done at all, you might wonder?

Let us step into my imagination for a moment to take a look at how these idealized, internalized archetypes fuck with my whole day; every day.  Here is the set up.  Everyday I know there are things that I SHOULD DO, and Things I HAVE TO DO, and things that I would really just LIKE to do, but somehow I have a hard time motivating myself to do any of it it.

Honey Boo Boo:  I’m bored.

Yoda: Life is stranger then fiction, young Padawan. A powerful ally is the Force. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. There is great focus in the Force.

Honey Boo Boo:  I don’t even know what y’all sayin’ right now.

Yoda:You must unlearn what you have learned.   The dark forces are strong within you. The way is not hidden. Refuse to see, does your mind.

Honey Boo Boo:   I don’t get it.

Yoda: The reason matters not.

Honey Boo Boo:  Your gibberish is weird, fairy godmother.

Yoda: Only a Jedi need know the reason. And a Jedi, you are not.

Honey Boo Boo:  yer dumb! Everything is dumb but ice cream.

Yoda: Accept the anxieties and difficulties of this life. Empty your mind and let it be filled with the Force.

Maybe this is not the best example…Honey boo boo is a red neck and Yoda speaks in broken, open ended answers.  I mean, there isn’t even a potential of conversation here, because of the nonsense. My actual self interaction may look a little bit more like this.

For the sake of diversity it will still be played out by my actual Master Bitch Monster and Emo Boo Boo.

Get the FUCK outta bed, and get going!

I don’t want to.

-Up and at em you lazy piece of skin… You have a shit ton to do for me today, no excuses. 

I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna.

Cooperation with myself is not my strong set.  I am not really a “team player.”

So, what’s up? Maybe I like being miserable. Maybe I am a little Sadomasochistic with myself and maybe I like doing the same old nothing.  But really it would all be a lie.

Who the fuck cares?

I am about ready to beat the shit out of you, because it seems to me, that is all you are full of these days.  Just shitty shit coming out of your mouth.  It stinks, and I am sick of it.

Bring it on, Bitch.

Dude, you are all bark and no bite.  You are lazy and pessimistic.  You have no idea what it means to have a good time, or to be kind, or empathetic.  You are a sad, miserable Miser, and I am tired of catering to your mood swings.  You need to leave.  You need to go figure some shit out before I can deal with you, again.

Fuck you, I am not leaving.   I have just as much right to be here as you!

Bullshit.  YOU are PLAYED OUT!  People like me have had to deal with people like you since the beginning of time.  The game is old, and your attitude toward me is completely unacceptable.  I can’t even believe I have let you hang around so long.  You’re like a heavy weight, and you sure as fuck don’t act like a friend… so why the fuck should I have to carry your heavy ass?

Whatever, Dude.  You’re weak.

No, DUDE. You are weak.  I have carried your ass around for so long, and all you do is keep me from really having more fun and experience in my life.  I don’t know how many times I didn’t do something I really wanted to do, in order to sit at home and listen to your sorry ass cry about shit that you could change.  I listened to you whine about how you are bored, and you have nothing to do.  Meanwhile, I would feed you really great suggestions and you would just blow them all off with excuses.   No wonder you have no friends.  No wonder you have nothing more to talk about than your misery.

Wow, that’s really a low blow.  Blaming it all on me, like that.

You should really take a course in self awareness and admitting your faults.  I use to think you were an asset to my team.  Your ability to resist temptation USE to be really admirable.  But now you just resist, everything that could potentially be good for us.  You say ‘yes’ to the most fucked up stuff, and you are hurting both of us.

Fuck you.

No, Fuck you!  I want to play.  I want to paint, and write, and sing, and dance.  I want to get out in nature and move my body.  I want to have nice, strong, willing friends.  I want to look at myself in the mirror and not see you looking back at me with that stupid melancholy face.  Here I am, taking the time to tell you, that you are fucking up with me.  And I don’t want to take it any more.  I have spent far too much time just listening to your sad procrastination, which has led to more procrastination.  I have tried patience, kindness, support, opportunity and love.  You reject all these things, so I think I am going to have to tough love you.

What the fuck is that suppose to mean.

Well, I guess, if you aren’t going to take the initiative to get the fuck out of my house; I am just going to have to ignore you.

You can’t ignore me.

The hell I can’t.  Watch me.

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The Wonder of Creation

AS IF Life itself were not paradoxical enough; IN comes Creation!

On EVERY level, if given enough attention; Creation, is… controversial.

Take God, and Evolution out of the mix.  Creation is an entity and force within itself, and it is a whim of contradiction. It is always moving, and effecting even with out our intention… Creation is beyond expression and consciousness.

It could be likened to the comical mystery of whether the egg or the chicken came first.  Even smallest evolutions are creations… The body creates new cells, which are creation.  Those cells either function properly supporting creation, sometimes those cells adapt and that is still a form of creation.  People come up with ideas and implement them; still creation.

Two people, or a person and science get together to procreate, which is still creation.

Now ask your self, “why not create?”   Especially if nature does it already to the benefit as well as the detriment of other creations.  Creation is an exploding, imploding system of organized chaos.

If the only thing in certain creation is consciousness, then every conscious creation should first ask why not?  Creation is an expenditure of energy, so for every creation there is an effect outward from its influence.

“Relativity” – Spray Paint on Canvas by Me….

This guy does all this art with spray paint and stencils… it’s pretty epic. He even does commissions and ships world wide… get some art up on your wall

Ray Ferrer - Emotion on Canvas

Relativity – An Albert Einstein Tribute.

Spray Paint on Canvas by Me.

20″ x 16″
Original / One of a Kind / Signed

**SOLD**    More artwork available here  —–>   More Artwork for sale

Ferrer - Relativity

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Fit Body Boot Camp: Day Three (oh me,oh my)

It has been very exciting getting into this regimen; so exciting in fact, that I have been loosing sleep over it.  I am tired as heck, but each time I go to lay down, my brain is spinning over what I did at class.  Add that into a few personal issues at home that are giving me paranoia… and you have a person who hasn’t slept much in four days.

I was amped to get up and try the 6 am class; so I did my best and laid down at 10pm.  And no matter how hard I tried to clear my mind, or listen to “soothing sounds to sleep to”; something would inevitably jostle me awake just as my body was starting to simmer in to slumber.

2 am, I was jostled, yet again, to my dog.  And I got agro… “Why the fuck won’t any one let me sleep, FUCK!”

And with that, my blood pressure was up, and the blood was circulating, and I was again wide awake.

So much for 6 am class.

My natural circadian rhythm, usually lulls me asleep at about 6:30 am.  About the time I was born into this world, and gave up the struggle of escape.  I knew at 4 am, this would be the inevitable outcome.

Instead of further frustrating myself I committed to making the noon class, which would give me ample time to rest and reset before going and getting my ass handed to me.

Like most first week Fitters, I am sore; but I think I might be less sore then some.  I am making sure to take my magnesium, and to start and finish the day with stretches.  I had no idea what I would be in for today, but I did see some ones status update… and they mentioned burpees.

I admire a good burpee, I have watched them on the interwebs.  I myself , had never tried one, until today.  Wait, I am getting ahead of myself.

Today was jam packed with things I haven’t ever done before… like a proper push up.

Yes, today I realized my form in pushups has been wrong, for, forever.

“Elbows go back, Not to the sides!  HEAD UP!”

Well, shit.

Not only have I been doing it all wrong, I realized the muscles needed to do a full push up; in me, have atrophied.

Instead of getting frustrated,  I took it slow and committed to proper form.  I didn’t look like a push up even with the modified form.  I felt like a beached seal, just sort of twitching. Each one harder than the one before.

“Do the best you can, stretch after each one if you need to!”

Yep that was me.  Twitch and stretch, twitch and stretch.

As ridiculous, as I am sure it looked… I didn’t quit.  I didn’t push harder than I knew my body could handle.

“Each one you do is getting you closer to a full pushup!”

Which brings me back to the blessed Burpee.  Here I am, lifting more body mass than I ever have in my life; barely able to even begin to get my chest near the floor in a push up… and here comes Burpees.  A push up is an integral part of a Burpee.  But instead of potential hurting myself, trying to get all rambunctious with it, I walked myself through it methodically.  I brought myself gently to the ground, got my hands under my shoulders; kept my elbows back, looked up, and twitched. I brought my body back up and reached for the sky…over and over and over again.

If your excuse is, ” I can’t even do a push up.”  Eat your words.  I can’t do a push up either, yet.

It takes time,energy, and consistency to build and train muscles for strength and endurance.  It doesn’t happen over night, and neither did getting out of shape.  We can get to either place, just depending on our attitude.

If there is one thing I would encourage any Fitter, or newbie who is getting into fitness to do; is commit to yourself to not get frustrated or give up on yourself.  To embrace the knowing it took you a while to get unhealthy, it is going to take you a while to get healthy.  If you get frustrated; KNOW the only person you are REALLY competing with, is yourself.  If you feel like quitting; KNOW that you began, because you were unhappy with your body, and that ONLY YOU can change that.  There is no magic pill that will make you wake up strong and healthy; full of endurance.

I chose Cheyenne Fit Body Boot Camp  because it is a very encouraging environment with accountability.  It is a place that will make you work hard and will push you; all while working with your current level of fitness.  No one makes you feel bad about yourself, or as if you are being compared to any one else..  If you feel that way, KNOW it is ALL in your head.  Turn it around if you find you are comparing yourself to some of the more advanced Fitters; then admire them as inspiration toward achieving your goals.  Most importantly; KNOW: EVERYONE starts SOMEWHERE.

If you  are interested in the Fit Body Program, and my journey through boot camp you can read about them at these links Consultation, First Day, and Second Day.  If you are interested in seeing if there is a boot camp in your area click here.