Little Brother of Mine

You came into my

world so sweet

me n k

Little brother of mine

Hair like sun,spun golden wheat


Little brother of mine

There was a time when you

held my hand

Little brother of mine

But the winds have changed

bells have chimed

Little brother of mine

I hear your laughter

in my ear

each confession

so sincere

how you make me

smile and cry

little brother of mine

For a few moments you

were a man

little brother of mine

The wind is cold for now

you are gone

little brother of mine

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Sleep

sun

Almost an atmosphere animated

Blustery billowing and bellowing

I’m counting lovers

instead of sheep

In these sheets I struggle to sleep

Remembering these

threads of me

Woven at times

Incongruously

And the sheep I know

skip no fences

In their defense, it is electric

Much like my synapses

A bit too spastic at these times of night

Still I fight for rest, I am unable to own

Nights long past, not spent alone

But in this loneliness I have comfortably grown

Sleep will come when my lonliness I postpone

Aug 2002

11E,

Well, I am home.  And sort of in disbelief that I am here.  It is so wierd.  I went out tonight despite not sleeping for over 48 hours.  I saw a bunch of people from high school.   I didn’t want to talk to them; they looked really lost.  The same old people hanging out with the same old people since God knows when.

I was glad I wasn’t them.

Then I started thinking… in your own little way, you are those people.

And throughout our relationship I tried to be those people despite the fact; that inside, I really didn’t want to be those people.

This is neither bad nor good.  It is just yet another thing that makes us different.

I’ve never wanted that lifestyle.  I feel, something else awaits me.  Somewhere else.

And that’s okay.  I’m willing to search until I find it.

You too will find something.

The “same old, same old” routine fits you, and you enjoy it…

Maybe you always will.  Perhaps it fits your comfort level.

I am still waiting on my niche.

E, You are amazing in your own ways! And so creative; please, never become so comfortable with things, that you forget to expand your mind and your inspiration.

I am stoned right now.   Sitting in a pop up camper in my parents back yard.

This letter probably makes no sense, but regardless, I am going to write it.

I always thought you put on the facade of “the well adjusted funny guy,” but as I have gotten to know you; I see that even you doubt yourself at times.  And sometimes “sort of comfortable” is just comfortable enough.

Spread your fucking wings, E!  DOOO IT!  You can!

Listen to me, BAH Miss Wyoming.

I’m sorry we couldn’t just have our sweet perfect last day.  But just as our first meeting paraded as perfect, we lived a farce and tried to birth truth and perfection…AHHH, how we tried!  No worries.

We loved, we were wrong and diseased in our own ways.

We learned, we lost eachother, and gained knowledge.

Luck, and blessings to you.

I gave you my love, and part of my heart… but you must know I will ask for it back sometime down the road.

You can have yours back too…ya know… for someday down the road.

Good, bad, we did it all with passion and intensity.  Thanks!  I don’t hate you and never will.  I am glad I feel this way.

I love you, boy.  And the maturity we both need is just over the hill, almost at hand.  But we both know, we are going to have to let go of all we know and accept as “normal” and “comfortable” to get there.

It’s just another leg in the journey.  See you at the end?

Love you still and in my heart

letter to myself early 2000’s

letterTo remove myself from the impending miserable situation, i am composing this;

agreed upon this date and time

i compose this little rhyme

about a girl in a bit of a mess

a situation leaving her feeling less

boy less drama and petty woes

homeless and poor

but on her toes

….this sucks, to add to a list of woes in my life, I have forgotten how to write.  Or perhaps I have lost inspiration.  Good poetry is born of misery?  Who is reading happy poetry?  Worse yet, who writes happy poetry?

I’d be happy if I was busy.  And if I was busy, I wouldn’t have time to write poetry.

Those who are writing poetry and professing to be happy, sure must have a lot of time on their hands.

And this is some same old feeling… like I was 12 again.

Have I really matured?

How could it be that I have changed so much, if I still feel the same?

In this state of mind I am not sad about the current issue.  At this moment I am completely detached from it.

Yes, I wish things were more convenient but it really isn’t a big deal.

You have people willing to help.

The things I am so attached to, about this relationship, are not things I need.

YOU, are independent, but you are required to be more responsible.

Watch your money, and don’t get too frustrated.

None of the people willing to help you will let you spend a night with out a roof over your head.

Regardless, it is your job to get out of this situation where you need help.

And it REALLY may mean putting some things on hold for a while to get other things in order.

Besides, you have postponed certain things til this point anyway.

Things may suck, but you really don’t know, a REALLY BAD situation.  But you sure are afraid of experiencing one.

I know you think you can’t afford that right now…

First priority…make some cash.

Get out of where you are, take all graces, with gracefulness and respect.

Stay friends.  Do not burn bridges… You may not plan on crossing them again, but you sure as hell have no reason to burn the one you exited across.

Not talking for a while is not as hard as you are making it.  Just make the decision and stick to it.  Get over it, stop being so dramatic.  This is only going to be as dramatic as you make it.

You were expecting it, and you always said you would just “let it go.”

You are strong.  You don’t need the attention you are seeking.

You can handle this .  You can be calm and rational.

Better things are waiting.

If you keep freaking out, better things will never happen.

Roll with this, PLEASE!

You need a place, and a car.

Ugh, more bills?  More responsibilities?

Comes with the territory.

Where you want to be depends on the individual importance.

Enroll in instruction?

blah blah blah… programmed. ugh.

Your Honor/ My Honor

60172Few of you may know, that I went to jail in early 2005.  The charges were “domestic dispute  with a misdemeanor of assault   I went to jail that night for about 16 hours.  It was by far one of the strangest things I have ever encountered.  I don’t talk about it as a respect to the other party, who really loves his privacy on such matters.  Regardless, I really do try and keep a good mindset about all things.  And though the jail thing was hairy, I endured it.  Upon seeing a court evaluator, I asked “what is the most the court will ask me to do?”  He said community service and classes on domestic violence and drug and alcohol abuse.  I got the info and got in right away.  I found a community art gallery and donated my time to the cause. I wrote this piece two days out of jail… but I had to wait 7 months for a hearing with a judge.  In the mean time, I did everything the was going to ask me to… ONLY I DID IT BEFORE THEY ASKED.

At the end of the trial ( there were people on the jury, who had totally bought a pizza from me a Papa Murphy’s)  where I was found guilty, the judge talked to me off the record, wherein I shared this piece of writing.

She was impressed with what I had done, and said I could have my record expunged after 4 years, if no other incidence.

There has been no other incidence.  I have been single for 7 years.  That was my last serious relationship.  It ended weird  and now I have a mark on my record… why? Why haven’t I had it expunged?  Because I would rather put petrol in my car, and buy a six pack then pay yet another $85 dollars into the system I found myself indebted to.

How did I win?  Well I guess I cut a lot of drama out of my life after all of that, and yet, at moments knowing what I know; I find myself still fearing the law.  Fuck me.

Your Honor,

I come before you a humble and humiliated part of society

my brain screams

“girls like me, don’t belong in jail”

but I compromised what allows me to be free

My reality, assault in the fourth degree

a fight

domestically

Luckily not another tragedy

just a young woman

with too much to drink

a tendency to over think

and a bottle of rage packed inside

These things I over looked

came back to bite

and now I know what a night in jail is like

I can’t remember the succession in which it all happened

Only I know

I don’t want it to happen again

I don’t want a record

or a label like criminal

Since that day

I pay for my actions

Two hundred and fifty

of my cash

goes to bail I owe

Not to mention the

broken double pane window

My brain gets lost when it thinks

of these court costs

My humiliation is evident at my job

with this broken nose

and black eye

No way to disguise.

Humbled as a daughter

who had to call home from a holding cell

didn’t go over so well 2000 miles away.

I’ve been waiting to talk to Your Honor

for weeks, just trying to think what I could do

for Deschutes County to drop these charges against me.

I confess I am willing to do anything

I can to lessen the charge

counseling or deferment

I don’t know yet

I ask your Honor for help

so that I can contain the stress

that made me burst outward

with violence

It makes no sense to me,

how I could act  irrationally

but then again

it was that dark part

that comes out with that depressing friend called liquor

it gets that range pumping quicker

until your mind goes black

and you are ready to attack your lover

The marks on my face

disgrace me

Public Humility

evidence of the darkness that exists inside all of us

once let loose

I am only here in Bend temporarily until March 10th

Then I send myself back to middle America

I swear it’s my word and your judgement

Your Honor, I trust what you decide, will fit the crime.

I appreciate you, for allowing me, this time with you.

I am ready to do what you ask me to.

The excitement of new potential

muralI can’t stop thinking… or feeling that there is something bigger that I am missing.  Something BIGGER than the biggest big I could conceptualize.  Everyday the search begins again.  Little pieces to the bigger puzzle, leaving me empowered and confused.  Addicted to the search.  I have gained so many new tools in my stability that I have started to feel that rumble and shake inside telling me to move on and use this newly acquired knowledge.

I received some cash today for art.  I  put it in a thin necked Vodka bottle.  It is harder to get it out that way.  I want 500 to travel with.  What is 500 bucks?  Nothing.  Bills in a bottle.  I am almost a tenth of the way there.  Not bad.  Should be easy  enough.  I make it harder with its easy accessibility.  I have to set up my own boundaries.  That too should be easy enough as I seem to set some sort of boundary for myself on a daily basis.  Not even the good kind.  No doubt as I tackle the task of breaking the boundaries I will be learning new skills of survival.

I live very much in a now and present future oriented mindset.  I aquire what I need in the moment as a way of confirming my energy in work… I think I am in the surplus.  This excites me, I just yet have not seen the total fruits of my labor.  This should be exciting fruition.

I have not yet traveled as much as I would have liked, to the distances I have hoped to see.  This will be a future manifestation when I finally have something tangible to offer.  But what is this; all these journals and pictures?  Is that not tangible?  Sure but it is the old journey and I am in the drivers seat for something new.  I am a pioneer who has yet to pick their path for the destination.

I ask inspiration to guide me into uncharted water.  I want to ride the current to a place few find because they fight the flow.  Getting caught up in a cove somewhere so close to paradise.  Always wondering the great “what if?” (Something I refuse to suffocate from.)

This acquisition of comfort is such a gift.  I have all I need and more in this moment, but I need more movement to balance this fixture of roots.  I am ready to dive deep and move forward in flow.

I ask that I am offered support, and that I be willing to accept it when it is fulfilling for everyone involved.  This is truly and exciting journey.

Oldies from the broken books

Voice

 

You are here to share your knowledge that war and violence are not the answer

You are here to share with the world; infinite beauty and creation

You are here to share the one true law, is love

You are here to love and empower yourself

You are here to love and empower the people of the world

You are a spokesperson for Humanity

You are here to live and love in the Now moment

You are here to keep your vision toward future love

Through this you will realize you are here to be Righteous

It will not matter if you are right

—————————————————————————————————————-

Judgmental

disrespectful, am I at times of this human race

My equals I placate

Putting them to disgrace in my minds eye

for pasts undeniable

Their feats definable to me

Past sins relived by mine own attachment to my own past

I rehash memories vibrant to me regardless of their own revelations

I get the sensation at times I fancy myself better

but why?

In my eagerness to retaliate to I lose the ability to translate life’s hardships of  the last five years

Thinking any one but my own tears are inequitable

Maybe others have changed from their deranged lives

Do I deny their struggle to survive life

My fall back, being my desire to attack those who believed themselves better than me

When equality is all I seek from beginning to end

I defend my right to  outcast myself, with no help from my peers

Succumbing to my own fears, I live to their expectation

I should find relation in this unmatched world

Crying for words to be heard; but reveling in my own deaf state

Looking for someone to translate the language I invented for those like me

And yet, somehow abandoned

I am stranded on this island of prejudice from those like me

But articulately they pursue academia while I run from the opportunity

The words dribbling from my mouth are more than you can handle

That is the scandal of my world, how absurd I must seem to lookers on

Beyond my own horizon I fear the speech of those with degrees

Afraid they will judge me inadequately

Unable to see the knowledge I manifest from my experience

They laugh and call me silly actor

That I would rather preach my knowledge on a stage or screen

No one wants to know me so I cling to those who cherish the unseen manifest through my skills

It doesn’t even pay these bills or support this life

Sometimes I want to die because my gifts sit dormant

waiting to be unlocked

Who will rock my world with a chance to impress

I regress

My talents limitless to those who provide an opportunity

But first

Someone must see talent in me, which may mean succumbing

To a place that makes my heart race and my vessels swell with unease

Unable to breathe the pollution

But I seek a solution and some guidance

I have reliance on nothing but myself and my ambition

What a situation for  a young woman of almost 24 with nothing more than some boxes

and a couple hundred in cash

That won’t last a day in Manhattan or LA

What the fuck am I to do on the move to Oregon in just two weeks

I’ve got to get it straight and try to relate to where I am landing

My man, demanding so much of me

But it has nothing to do with my passion

I don’t honestly know if satisfaction is part of the plan, but I hope it is

Otherwise, I can’t handle this

So now I will take a moment to breathe and think the best for me

No matter what I’ll prevail, ride the hail into the real storm

I’ll be reborn in this fucked up world.

Until then I will concentrate on breathing, not heaving in an overwhelming way

And I will conquer my dreams despite the delay

But I would rather have all the support of every connection I know

24 is almost here, purpose driven, void of fear

A portal of inner exploration