I mean, you don’t necessarily physically FEEL any different… You may not detect any proof when you look in the mirror… there are no wings sprouting from your backhole.
You haven’t manifested anything from the unknown, instantaneously, or teleported anywhere.
What now? What do you do?
If you have felt the calling of being an Angel, then NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO SLIP ON YOUR CLOAK OF DIVINITY!
It’s time for you to BELIEVE you are INFINITE.
Now, mind you, not because I say so…. no, no, no, no.
Rather, because there is that SOMETHING inside you which has been speaking to you, even when you were a child. It was a voice in your heart which did not go away, but may have gotten suppressed and muffled over the years. Years full of older people, telling you that “it’s all in your imagination.” and “just be normal like everyone else.”
When I was a child I felt like I was the weirdest one ever born. You probably felt the same way. So you and me, were sitting next to each other, avoiding eye contact; when our souls just wanted to interact and share Truth. There were no elders to cultivate these opportunities…
If you listened to your heart through out the years, when others didn’t… slowly you would meet others like you, who continued to listen to their heart. And taking in the wisdom of Elders, we never had as children, we began the conversations.
We are all in the middle of this conversation. But so many things in this world are distracting us from listening. The world without Spirit, is calling to “listen to the bombs” , “listen to the fearful cries,” “look at the horror before you!!” “conjure fear from what you see and hear.”
And our hearts want to look away. But it’s hard to, because what else is there to look forward to? At least that is what the Distractors want you to believe….
COME BACK TO YOUR HEART, SWEET ANGEL!
What does your heart say?
Mine says ” I WANT TO GO HOME! This place ISN’T right. WE are SO MUCH MORE than we allow ourselves to be.”
“Turn away from the Distractors. Listen to your heart, like a child, like an Angel.”
“Know your divinity and find comfort in it.”
If you believe in Ascension, then now is the time to let go of what is, this distracted horror.
To focus Higher.
There are those of Us, who have known that the only reason We are Here, Now… is because We were needed in order to remind the other parts of Ourselves ; WHO We REALLY ARE, and to clarify, what we ARE NOT.
We ARE slaves by choice.
We ARE ignorant by choice.
We ARE STUCK BY CHOICE!
But choice can set us free.
It has been our double edge sword, this thing we call choice.
We have seen our options, our potential paths played out in a plethora of ways with so many faces.
We have reached so far, for so much, for each other. But what have We actually done for ourselves as individuals? We have waited on martyrs and saviors, aliens, and governments.
We have individually, each been asleep to the fact that we are not just humans being.
Though we have taught ourselves to master that role. The cloth no longer fits. And it is restrictive.
Save yourself in a righteous way. Treat Yourself with dignity and Divinity. Then you will be able to TRULY treat others with Divinity.
None of Us were born perfect in this creation. We had choices to make, and lessons to learn. We had to choose not to buy into insanity.
Some of you are just awakening to the insanity, and it is potentially very scary. Do not feel overwhelmed or angry. Cast fear to the side.
Angels do not live in fear, they live in their Mission. The Mission may be at times caught in distraction, but the Mission will not fail.
Angels don’t have the same choice as a humans. Angels have Missions.
They have already chosen the side they work for. Everything else, is just in the details.
Excuse me for being brash… crude; crass, rude, un-Kosher, un-classy, and perhaps even UNACCEPTABLE…. but I am pretty sure I am not the only one, IN THIS BIG yet small World… who at times, thinks; Fuck This.
Fuck it all! Fuck this, fuck that, and use a whiffle ball bat!
I can’t say what moments bring you to that point, but I DO know I have ’em. I struggle. I look at the accumulation of all that is, and see its potential to be so much more… and in the same glance I see all the hurdles and blocks that restrict the way.
I see it every day. And some days, I feel like a champion. I love a challenge and I am ready to meet any one that may come, head on. But some days, I just wanna say “Fuck THIS… it isn’t worth my time/energy/creativity/life force.”
It isn’t because I am lazy… but rather because everyday I wake up, I rise with the belief that “Today will be better! Today I won’t have to give looks of confusion or redundant disbelief, because they will get IT too! And perhaps today will be the day of harmony! Finally we can all just get over ourselves and GET ON with Our Next Big Task.”
I get, like two minutes into my day, only to realize….uh well, today probably isn’t THAT Day. And I know this because I am the first person I encounter in a day… and if I am not, for some reason, bliss-ed out… well chances are no one else is.
There are many philosophical discussions on perspective. How our perspective, colors and influences the World we see and interact with it. Cultures far older, honor a system of reflection. The greater I AM, IS ALL and WE ARE IT, and IT IS US… and so it goes. Perhaps no One Person is Perfect…but between the collection of our experiences, together we can create a symbiosis of Perfection through Our unique expressions and perceptions.
Anyway… along those lines, many cultures talk about an up coming “Golden Age.” A proverbial time many have found intriguing for the fact they feel the same aching, internally, in which says…”Fuck This.”
It doesn’t have to be rude, or mean. It doesn’t have to even relate to laziness or cowardliness.. Rather it comes from a conclusion, which is far headier than most want to admit to. It comes down, or rather UP to seeing a bigger picture; which quite frankly may invoke a desire to shit ones pants.
It is the acceptance of our collective nature in a Source, far more multifaceted than modern cultures and religions have given it credit for. When the Hindus talk about having 33 million Gods in their belief… but One Absolute… They could be very close to the Truth. I mean if we are all made of the same star dust; and If We look at Ourselves, We see many faces of God. At that point it seems weird to have such superficial divisions. (Except for the fact that there are have been those who wish to enslave humanity, knowingly. And only for nefarious reasons… which we are observing and taking emotional action toward…)
Some of Us are only just now recognizing the repetitive nature of existence. It’s lessons, our participation, and It’s steadfast nature in conveying impressions of Truth through any avenue. It is unavoidable.
For some of us, It seems We have been struggling, consciously, longer than others.
Perhaps this is where competition really stems. If there is an “end,” then most likely it is “Source.” Why shouldn’t we rush, and push each other to get there? Like Spiritual Sperm finding the Etheric Egg. Most of Us are in for the long haul, but many of Us are reaching Our own thresholds in a way of in-explainable proportions.
The game is just an old rehash, kids. From every parallel and perpendicular; every story has been played out, far too many times…. EXCEPT, the ones that include Ascended Masters.
No one gets tired of imagining themselves as some sort of Savior… meanwhile defaulting in realities mind fuck, in such a way that it relies on some one else to take the proverbial reins and Save, what could be seen as a Sinking Spiritual Ship that is the Hopeless Human.
And that is what separates those who say “Fuck This,” and mean it as a mantra of not giving up… and those who say the same words, with different tones, resonating in defeat and complete submission to the moment, with out regard to the end result which comes in it’s own way, unprovoked.
I, was a child, who never really liked just chatting about the weather… but I sure did enjoy talking about having control over it. These are conversations of sages and the Future. I am by no means calling myself a Sage. But I will admit to being a voice of the Future, and Let me tell you; The Future is Now.
Sure, sure, sure… people have been saying that for a long time… but never in history (this time around) have We been able to reach such a critical mass of people, so quickly, who see through the bullshit; and know better than to wait on a Savior. THEY= YOU, know You have the ability to Save Yourself/ Us. You/We are just waiting on the 100th Monkey to pick up the straw, and go with it.
I know at some point, We will get our 100th Monkey… and I will not give up hope. Just as, in turn I will say; The journey has been crazy and worth it… and I am here to endure it. But at times I find We have neglected Our Own Divinity too long. It’s time to hop on Our Own Soul Train… We have had time to reflect on our past, we have been given opportunities to endlessly rehash… But Now, a new sun on a new horizon, and it is calling Us.
No more fussing and fighting. Time is calling for Re Uniting. And we are the ones to live in the New Sun, We are the Ones who bring the blessings of Eternal Guiding.
When I say Fuck This… I honor where we have been… and I get it.
Do You?
When I say I want to move on, it is because my Soul says We Are Bound for SO Much MORE!
May you Master the Fuck Out of This Experience in order to be Confident in moving into the Next .
Take a moment to really meditate on the word “submission.”
What kind of feelings does it convey for you? Can you conjure the words?
Does it leave you feeling some what deflated, and limp? Weak or powerless?
Maybe it feels productive some how…earned? A relief.
How about the word “abandon”?
Is the feeling you get from this word visceral? Deep and wide, like some sort of void?
Or perhaps it makes you feel free? Without attachment and strings?
Words, words, words.
Perceptions, definitions, placation, sublimation, choices in participation… a positive and negative to every situation…silly souls sitting in stagnation.
Ok, words. Powerful things. Creatures with a life of their own, they are; these, words.
Triggers, even… or some may say. We know through Gnosis words are magic, and organic, and mystic upside down simplistic ways of toying with physical manifestation.
I am doing it now… though through no specific attempt of my own. This is just something that happens when I step bare foot into the flow that is already occurring. Tonight, the water is a temperature which sets well with my blood.
In early 2003, I had moved home to “regroup”. In my spare time I was participating in self led yoga. I received an unexpected and green Christmas greeting from a friend on the West Coast.
I found it all so inspiring, and the weather so conducive, that despite the 30 degree temperature, I found a cozy spot of intense sun and 90 degree reflection on the deck and in that Vitamin D bliss orb, I embarked on a transition in my artistic workings.
A pose came to mind. The simplest pose there is… Childs Pose. And that pose to me was Submission…. and Abandonment.
Strangely enough, it’s rich quality had absolutely nothing to do with anything negative.
In yoga, Child’s pose is usually a resting spot between inversions or as a way to end a sequence of moves. When you examine how the body is positioned, knees tucked into the chest, forehead on the floor… arms extended out; it appears a drastic bow. As the Muslims do when they pray… or as a child looks, asleep. As though they fell asleep suddenly, submitting to their own exhaustion.
Literally, we think about submission… and to many, it means “giving up.”
Wikipedia says “Submission is the acknowledgement of the legitimacy of the power of one’s superior or superiors.”
This brings up the questions..Hmmm who is MY Superior? Why would I submit to anything less? Why does ‘submission’ and ‘submit’ feel like dirty words? Why am I compelled to “feel submission” from a Higher Stand point? (More about this in a minute…)
Abandon…
How many people feel positive about THAT word? I mean, honestly I think we could create a whole subculture of people who could associate to the best and worst attributes that would be connected to the the “Abandonment Tribe.”
Of all the situations that have fallen through, for the millions of hopeful souls out there… or for all the parents who died before their child’s ideal prime, only to be blamed in the big cosmic game, that is… Abandon (ment) has received quite a nasty rap… and yet it has SO MANY definitions…
People rarely take time to think and talk about all the things; people, and ideas that they have chosen to abandon over time, in order to grow and clear room for the new. People have take sick pleasure in the seeming abuse of “being abandoned.”
It is an easy route to sympathy. It is a scapegoat meant only for rainy day amusement.
Abandonment is SO BIG. And WAY LESS nasty that we have given it credit for.
To loose all abandon; is to let go totally. No longer is there consequence or forethought. There is only the action which exists in the moment.
Many people find that to be dangerous and scary. Abandonment has earned it’s bad rap through the perception of personal experience mixed equal parts, Fear God Complex.
Think about all the best parts of not giving a fuck what others think. To abandon worry, or care… many find this irresponsible and once they have partaken in it, find themselves in a retaliation cycle of guilt.
A person can walk with abandon and submission with out walking at all in negativity…
To walk and not care, to feel bliss and blessed by being regardless?
Yep, it’s pretty easy to do. In fact your heart already knows how to… You live and let live… You speak your mind when it feels right, You love despite doubt. You breathe deep and enjoy the air in your lungs. You do what is best for your Higher Self… you say “No” when your heart tells you… You cry at the beauty of nature with no shame… You see something GREATER in YOURSELF and in OTHERS… and YOU ARE SICK OF DENYING or pushing it to the wayside.
Submission and Abandon… well they are like two adopted sisters from the ghetto, living with a “good Christian family.” The bad name branded through perception as a double edged sword. But really they try just as hard with their lessons, and they show up when you don’t expect them to… and they show, they are not mutually exclusive when it comes to duality…
So Abandon all reason and doubt… Submit to Love, light and Laughter.
Today I feel a little bit different. Last night I went through pounds and pounds of old papers and journals. The things we choose to hold on to, can be astounding. I had pages of directions for locations I have been to, disconnected numbers of old friends… even pages written by owners of notebooks that came into my possession. Most of the writing has some heavy emotional tie to it.
As I started sifting through these remnants of the past, I was hit by how much of this emotional baggage I have been carting around for the last ten years. I try to keep my load light just as a rule, but I was literally weighing myself down with pages and pages that had no real additive to the over all story.
So I lost about ten pounds last night. Ten pounds of unwanted, unmissable baggage.
My dreams were even effected by my actions, and I woke up feeling lighter than I have in a while.
I know through experience that clearing out the old, makes room for the newness. Sometimes it is an easy thing to forget, as we become attached to the objects of our desire. But soon we are reminded of discernment and to sift through the accumulation to find what really matters. A clear house, a clear mind.
Seriously… what if you found out you are an angel? Think about all the ways that revelation could go down.
I mean, you have to think that however the big reveal goes, has to be in alignment with the shock and acceptance of the Angel being revealed.
Could be really fucking nerve wrecking… earth shattering…strange.
I suppose there would have to be a recoup period… unless they use tactics which play to strengths within your acceptance… it would probably have to start with the Ego, and use it as an asset.
Right now, all I can think about is cinematic “ghost reveals.” It always seems people have a hard time finding out they are dead, especially when it is in the movies. I can only guess that finding out you are an angel is even more traumatic to some degree.
I mean if you find out you are just a stagnant spirit your options are limited…. Angels…. whew… they have BIG personalities… wings…potentially asexual genitalia….ACCESS TO HEAVEN…. big job those Angels have.
So you find out that you have A BIGGER JOB WITH MORE RESPONSIBILITIES THAN YOU DID AS A HUMAN….. What the WHAT?
I know, I know…. it’s because when you think of Angels, you think of Heaven, which seems like it should be super chill and less heavy on responsibly…. But then your big Angel brain is all like, “whoa, Heavy, heady, and Heaven all start with H-E-A… and ‘V’ SOUNDS like a ‘D’ in SOME LANGUAGES…..”
That is when shit gets fucked.
Your brain starts making all these far out connections, because now you have access to the furthest reaches of this perceived Universe….
After decompression comes debriefing. And that is like the best boring class of EVER…. you leave feeling really ENLIGHTENED… but completely Carfunkeled…. because your heart and brain and now working in tandem with your Spiritual Ego… and it is down right frightening. Not scary like, but just WHOAH, holy crap, WHOAH! energy pouring out of your words and movements…. it would be a lot to get use to.
Lucky for Angels, time is not perceived as it is here in EARth, so this works to everyone’s advantage.
You go through Angel training camp… learn the ropes… get eased into those wings.
Next thing you know you are back on EARth but in a different way… and to everyone else it is but a blink of an eye… because Time isn’t what anyone thinks it is….
And you stand there, where you left but a blink ago, a different Hue-Man. Only to be reborn in a moment with some new comprehension of your place, space and face….
Things look the same and some how different. It is refreshing with this new sense of height; the ability to separate and still be connected. The experience of renewed purpose with out a solid definition… the ability to work with the Ego and not fight it.
Words change as they flow from your lips because in this moment, EVERYTHING has meaning… and Nothing is separate from the Whole.
The mission of the Ego shifts to accommodate it’s comrades of Consciousness, Truth, Compassion and Love… The rule book changes to alleviate suffering in an uncommon and New way.
Finding Divinity presents itself as worth while and rewarding.
Well, I am home. And sort of in disbelief that I am here. It is so wierd. I went out tonight despite not sleeping for over 48 hours. I saw a bunch of people from high school. I didn’t want to talk to them; they looked really lost. The same old people hanging out with the same old people since God knows when.
I was glad I wasn’t them.
Then I started thinking… in your own little way, you are those people.
And throughout our relationship I tried to be those people despite the fact; that inside, I really didn’t want to be those people.
This is neither bad nor good. It is just yet another thing that makes us different.
I’ve never wanted that lifestyle. I feel, something else awaits me. Somewhere else.
And that’s okay. I’m willing to search until I find it.
You too will find something.
The “same old, same old” routine fits you, and you enjoy it…
Maybe you always will. Perhaps it fits your comfort level.
I am still waiting on my niche.
E, You are amazing in your own ways! And so creative; please, never become so comfortable with things, that you forget to expand your mind and your inspiration.
I am stoned right now. Sitting in a pop up camper in my parents back yard.
This letter probably makes no sense, but regardless, I am going to write it.
I always thought you put on the facade of “the well adjusted funny guy,” but as I have gotten to know you; I see that even you doubt yourself at times. And sometimes “sort of comfortable” is just comfortable enough.
Spread your fucking wings, E! DOOO IT! You can!
Listen to me, BAH Miss Wyoming.
I’m sorry we couldn’t just have our sweet perfect last day. But just as our first meeting paraded as perfect, we lived a farce and tried to birth truth and perfection…AHHH, how we tried! No worries.
We loved, we were wrong and diseased in our own ways.
We learned, we lost eachother, and gained knowledge.
Luck, and blessings to you.
I gave you my love, and part of my heart… but you must know I will ask for it back sometime down the road.
You can have yours back too…ya know… for someday down the road.
Good, bad, we did it all with passion and intensity. Thanks! I don’t hate you and never will. I am glad I feel this way.
I love you, boy. And the maturity we both need is just over the hill, almost at hand. But we both know, we are going to have to let go of all we know and accept as “normal” and “comfortable” to get there.
It’s just another leg in the journey. See you at the end?
Then he clasped his hands together, smiled, and said,
“This could be a good time!”
“There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are torn apart and will suffer greatly.
“Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above water. And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate.
At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, Least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.
The time for the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word struggle from you attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”
— attributed to an unnamed Hopi elder
Hopi Nation
Oraibi, Arizona
(Here is an audio recording I made of my Ode to Water.)
Have you heard of my beautiful friend Water?
The innovator of the phrase “Let it Flow.”
You may have seen her, she gets around quite a bit
Oh that Sweet Water
She is quite the mover and shaker
She has friends all over , and all sorts adore her.
She came to be when her two gay Hydrogen Fathers approached their good friend Oxygen with the idea of creation
new life , beginning.
The conversation had been stirring that life had become a little to stagnant and sticky
The Hydrogens and Oxygen felt a need to let in a little flow
And despite their differences, felt a bit like innovators with their idea
It took a while to figure out a formula that worked…
But then those Hydrogen Fathers sandwiched Oxygen between themselves
And Water was born
Out of polarity came this Neutral Solvant
In a sense it was structured improvisation
All the elements working in their own way
Nature tending toward perfection
Despite how odd the occurrence, or how illogical it may seem
Within this improvisation was a creation of malleability
Water was a mischievous youth and a wonderful teacher
She has always been a fantastic imitator, with a photographic memory
She ran wild through the woods blessing all she could touch
Taking in everything it had to offer
Adding it to herself
And then moving on in her unique way
There was no boundary she could not reach beyond
Even when She was out of sight, she was still around
She traveled where ever her heart wanted to go
Growing large and vast
Connecting herself to everything she came into contact with
Leaving pieces of herself behind as to grow her ideas of prospective change
Magical adaptation
Ultimate mobility and convergence
Water was always ahead of her time
The other elements were a bit jealous of her ability to transmutate herself
Not realizing she was changing them, as she changed herself
In any situation or environment she touched
They marveled at her cooperative relationship to Temperature
And wondered at her ability to patiently weather all stages of her cycles
Even when she was at times Cold as Ice, she was still quite graceful
It was a common observation that she could be the most gentle of the elements
And also one of the most threatening.
When I was a child, my grandfather told me, “If you respect water, She will respect you; If you honor Her, she will teach you to Honor yourself.”
And when I would swim within that skin of Water, I would gently pull my arms down on her
Breaking the surface tension and submersing my self inside her
Thinking always, that she would hold me and move me along
As I grew, I became closer to Water, she enjoyed the respect and came to visit often
She would follow me on all my travels and she never complained about the weather
Except to say she thought the Desert had an unspoken grudge
Which was fine, because I rarely traveled anywhere but through the Desert to some other lush region
We talked long about the Desert, and its sense of helplessness that it disguises through resilience.
Water joked that anywhere she wasn’t allowed to hang out for too long, was no place for anyone to be
Some had accused Water of being a bit of a loiter at inconvenient times
Water knows more about this Earth and everyone on it than you could even imagine.
I suppose if she was anyone else she would be a big gossip, but actually she is a fantastic secret keeper
Water remembered every conversation, every thought, every prayer
She always knew my worries and needs
And when recognized would become the most brilliant amplifier
She absorbed every change, flowed through every integration
When others didn’t want to be like anyone else
Water was always totally herself, meaning to say
Water wanted to be EVERYONE and EVERYTHING always, and forever
Which is exactly what she is
Everything and nothing
She loves when you gaze within her shimmering eyes to see your own reflection
Because you are her, and she is you
She was born knowing that
It is her mission to share that knowledge, hence all of her worldly travels
From the tiniest blood vessel to the widest sea
She’s been there, all up in it
Sometimes she shares the beauty she has experienced through her snowflakes,
little perfect geometric shapes
Water captures prayers and praises and changes them into the most beautiful little expressions
And if you stare at the sky and attempt to catch them on your tongue
Did you know you are taking inside of yourself; someone elses prayer or affirmation as it falls back to earth.
You are sharing a piece of someone else, which has inherently been recorded and crystallized by Water?
When you bathe in water you are sitting in a collection of thoughts and experiences and eliminations.
And Water is in bliss when you finally see it for yourself
Water tells us that just as she must come, she must go
And as she gathers along her way, she must release
She reminds us that as we take time to eliminate her from our bodies, through exertion and elimination
She says it’s good to consciously get rid of old thoughts that are no longer serving us
And that it is also a process in the cycle to appreciate and honor
At times it may seem Water is stressed out by life
Angered by the sight of pain and dis-ease
And she will come wailing in from the sky hitting eyes of passers by as they run for shelter
In her seeming helter skelter
And people curse her for reigning down
Thinking, something as gentle as water should never create waves
But some days she can’t help herself. She can be a catalytic force to be reckoned with.
It would be ridiculous to think one with such a brilliant memory would remember to be gentle all the time
Think of all the pain and destruction she has seen not at her own hand
Like tears in your eyes sometimes things need to be washed away
To clean house and start over
She has shared so much of herself with us
And we have unconsciously given back so much crap
That at times it seems like she is attacking
But She, just as we, at times need to purge
What most fail to see is the lesson of our own reflection
Our willingness toward emotional pollution
Our blames and lack of solutions
Our anger at our environment and ourselves
Our desire for help
But our unwillingness to change
What if change just means perspective
Water has been teaching us the whole time that our ability to handle all of this is within our control
But we let go of our cooperation some time ago
Slowly there are those hoping to win it back
They see the potential of fluidity in humanity
They understand the plan at the hand of Water
They want her to guide us
Because she cut her own path
And she constantly goes back to Source
She learns and takes with her wherever she goes
She flows freely, changing environmentally, adding to biology
Always giving back
Constant cycles
Her consciousness is ALL of US
We can not exist with out what she has to offer
Her filing cabinet is the planet,
It is the record keeper and proof that she was here and somehow, someway made a difference
Now is our chance to share our appreciation for Water
If everyday we choose to Bless her, she will be more willing to share her secrets with us
The first secret is this, you are never far from Truth and change than when this you do
Say, “Water, Great recorder keeper, Great Transmutator, Blessed Giver of Life
I honor You, I thank you! I love you, for you are the cutter of the path, the source of moisture to the Earth, Vapor of the Rainbows, A silent White morning Evident in our Sky
You flow around me, through me, and back to the Earth
Constantly changing , and yet always staying in some form
Water, I bless you, I honor you
Thank you Great Teacher
I walk in the path of respect for You”
Thank her daily, and her secrets will seep inside of you
One must ask first for her knowledge
It is part of sacred development to learn to ask for it
And then to be willing to receive what She has to offer
She teaches her lessons many ways, and one must not judge it with any sense of duality
Water is not good or bad
She is what she is.
The reflection of the observer
Blessed to have her as a Great Teacher
Always blessed to be her Student
But this too is perspective,
Water has been known to manipulate change in the perspectives of others
The difference is in the conscious realization
Which is when she says to you “let it flow. Just let it go and ride with it.
Take a deep breathe, keep your eyes open and drop off the edge
Get really, really wet
Don’t fight the current, watch out for obstruction
Once upon a time, a bad nasty thing happened between this girl and some guy. They once were madly in love, but then the ruins of Truth set it… it was a pheromone attraction full of lessons in abandonment and respect. All escalating in to a night neither would forget, but he would never mention… and I, well, I would use it as a good bar room ice breaker.
The night in question, was tinged in inebriation. As sometimes things go, an after work cocktail poured strong, and a long conversation with a co-worker, biding time as to not go home to an angry beau. One drink turned to three, before I felt the need to leave.
The drive felt so sober. I obeyed all the laws, and pull up next to our lawn, it was about 2 in the morning. I left the lights on in the car, and opened the door, when a blue suit pulls up. He questions me about my connection to the car, smells liquor on my breath and issues a sobriety test. I fail to spell my own last name correctly… luckily he is easy on me, unable to prove I was driving.
The beau of my home exits, and admits this is my residence, the police bid me good night, and warn to stay inside. Then my “lover” walks me to the threshold. He tells me to sleep on the couch, disappointed in my behavior. I am warned not to bother this one who is to wake up early. I lay on the couch, somewhat blacked out and all I can guess is my contacts needed removal, and my bladder needed empty, but when I enter the bathroom, he yells at me “TO LAY DOWN OR I WILL LAY YOU DOWN” but none of that is on the 911 call.
Somehow, some way, this starts a brawl. I hold on to his hair tightly, afraid he will hit me, and all is a tussle until he pulls away. Tufts of hair lay on the carpets and on the tile. It gets crazy, and the dog goes wild. My man says, I need to leave, but not in my car, not with my keys. He says he is going to pull the plugs, and I am raging, blacked out and dumb. I pull at his shirt and boxers in the January rain, I fall of the stoop and he stumbles onto my face.
I crunch, my nose, broken, eye sockets shocked. I am bleeding and he retreats to the house, locking me out. Picks up the phone, dials 9-1-1, and this is when the fun really starts. I am pounding on the double pane window, asking to be let in. My eyes are swelling, and there is blood on my chin. I am scared, adrenaline filled, I know someone will go to jail. Eventually that pounding on the window is enough to break both panes. Glass dispersed, and yet a piece remains.
In my chest. the side of my left breast, over my heart. The last shard of all of that chaos and love. Somehow since 2005, that tiny piece of glass has survived in my tissue, and now it is starting to abscess. I am ready to get rid of this last piece of him and me. Tucked ever so violently in to a sacred place. His face I only see in dreams.
I hope he is on a path with truth and love, I hope he understands what we both have done, and is working at becoming a better man. I know daily I strive to be a better woman, and a better lover, to consciously enter into communication.
So as this wound sort of blisters and breaks, I take back a piece of my heart that was breaking for him, and all of our mutual sins. Final stages of healing bring me free wheeling into my personal reality, it’s finally good to be home.
So you found out your an Angel…. now what?
Madge Midgely 