Tag Archives: go your own way

My Essay on Personal Experience with Resting Bitchy Face: An Aching to Rise Above It All.

I want to say it has only been a recent thing… but if I did I would be lying. In fact, the only way I could justify it, MAYBE, is to blame in on the fact that people are basically bound to live longer, and so, what is 32 years? It’s recent enough, right? I mean in the BIGGER PICTURE. And geez, don’t get me started on potential past lives… so what is 32 years of certain denial.

Maybe you have seen the recent viral videos floating aboot, in regard to And perhaps the follow up cure “FaKing It”Sadly I am one of those women. I use to call it “The Melancholy Look’, but apparently was not so catchy in these days where things are far more generalized.

Let me tell you, I know this face. I have had this face since I was born. But, what those fake commercials are not telling you is that sometimes that look is, dare I say, warranted?

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I am “hating on you.” But… I may be silently dissecting your deciscions, words, and actions in a somewhat subconscious way… and quite frankly, most people don’t do it, like I would do it… sooooooooo.

There is a lot of room for interpretation and evaluation.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not obsessed with you. No, no, no. I am intrigued. I am absolutely astounded at how absolutely oblivious we both are toward one another, on a level which is quite extraordinary. Not because it is good, or bad…. but because, it MUST; at the end of the day, make us both think… I think.

And maybe that is my problem… I think too much.

But IS there SUCH a THING? No. I also know how to not think at all. I find that a healthy balance of both is nice.

This could also explain this face. When I look at you, like you might be empty confusion bubbling over like an unattended thought… er, pot. That perhaps I can no longer understand what it is you are talking about, because obviously the only thing you observe, is, my, lack, of…smile?

On the contrary! If any of you could step beyond my face and it’s unattended looks, you would find someone, who is really quite content with silence… but also fond of laughter. And perhaps those are my two extremes.

If we can not share in depth, than I will prefer to love you in silence. If that fails and all defaults to superficial emotional fluffing… I will resort to humor.

When my face looks highly critical and judgmental… it’s because SOMETIMES it IS.

I mean, come on, I am no stranger to conflict, weirdness, and my own emotional/hormonal swings. I assess everything from the stand point of a life guard, which by no coincidence was my first “real job.”

I am assessing the situation, to know how to react. And sometimes, my synapses get fried at the fact, I realize; I HAVE NO TRAINING IN THIS ARENA of the moment.

And it’s fine. I am adaptable… but adaptability doesn’t always come with a smile.

And MAYBE IT SHOULD… right? Good Service; Good Customer Service.

But, I am not your customer. And you are not mine.

We are just people, milling about a planet, trying to figure out “What the Fuck we are Doing Here.”

I refuse to take a pill called “FaKing It.”

I refuse to smile if it is not genuine. I am not here to appease anyone through my physical face and it’s potentially programmed reactions.

I am here because I am very much observing and participating in a process of human interaction which not only feels unfamiliar, but played out.

I won’t lie… sometimes I get VERY overwhelmed with anxiety and confusion. Just like so many other people, I am figuring out how to honor my own detachments and the path of others, in their journey to overcome their own obstacles.

It is hard not to be somewhat motherly, auntish, sisterly, daughterly; to some people… and so hard to display that for others.

I do not “love” soft. I love very, very “hard.”

My heart wants the best for ALL of YOU. Regardless of who you are. I want the best for your Highest and Best.

My face may hide the fact my heart aches, to share understanding with each and everyone of you… My face shows my distaste for fighting through the myriad of superficiality, wasting such precious energy on avoidance. When really; we want to dance in understanding.

My critical nature touches you. But do not be delusional in thinking I avoid such curtsies upon myself.

I want ALL of US to experience our best. I want ALL of US to walk in the understanding that our individual love can emanate far beyond the look on our face… because sometimes love isn’t sweet or charming. Sometimes love and adoration have to sit in the observation of the whole situation… and picking through the pieces is like concentrating on a puzzle.

We smile when we find the next piece. We smile when we finish and see the bigger picture… but the parts in the middle call to closer examination, and plateaus of frustration. These are valid as well.

I look forward to the natural exhilaration of finding the next piece; and in finishing the next puzzle… I look forward to the one after, I enjoy moments in between… I will think as I stand above it… I will think as I pull pieces and try them… I will continue to think when I am away… but I will smile when the small distractions show me; though I am away, which piece comes next, and how we both fit into the picture.

When You Come To My Fort

warriorI’m not the type of person, people come to for conventional comfort, when comforting is due.

Most people want a “sit-quiet-and-listen-with-a-box-of-tissues-on-hand-and-be-willing-to-hug-through-it-kind-of-comforter.”

Nope.

I am more the, “let-me-tell-you-like-it-is-because-we-all-know-this-isn’t-a-new-problem” kind of comforter.

Sometimes, I admit, it’s just too much.

I wish I could sit there and listen to all of the crying and madness about certain things… but I really, just can’t.  I have no tolerance for it, I guess.

Why?  Why so, harsh?  Why not tone it down a bit?

Well, probably because I see a MUCH bigger picture at play.  And, sadly, it is tired, old and repetitive.

WE ALL KNOW BETTER!  Really, deep down, core Soul level, we know better.  And yet, we ignore that knowing in favor of taking everything so personally.

I come across as cold, not because I don’t care.  Quite on the contrary.  However, I am irritated that I care, and I am irritated that we still keep making the same mistakes, all the while taking it so personally.

I like the tactical aspect of problem solving.  If you come to me for comfort, then you come to my fort.  In this fort I will share with you tactical solutions toward your problem.  I will not sit idly by.

You are having an internal battle.  I am here to help you with that.  I am not going to sugar coat matters.  I am going to help you survive a battle which is so familiar to so many… and that is the battle of the self/Self.

When people come to my fort for comfort, I am giving them sanctuary to listen to their Self.  Permission to listen on a Soul level.  And this is something many of my close friends honor.

This is why I pick the phone up for a really late night or early morning call.

I am with them in the battle.  I know it.  I deal with it daily… but I keep facing it.  And for my brothers and sisters in those trenches of confusion, whilst still seeking… I will be on hand.  I will help them to safety.

Everyone needs a friend like that.

Endless potential

I want you for a moment, to sit with me.

And find a silence.

And within that silence, I want you to completely forget yourself.

Like a blank slate, or a clean sheet of paper.  Flawless potential.

Let your prejudices subside into a void.  Allow your worries to dissipate like sunlight melting fog.  See this blank slate as an amazing freedom.

No past issues or circumstances weighing upon you.  No worries, or injuries to attend to.  No burdens or questions clogging your mind.  No assumptions to the preconceptions of others.  Nothing, just clean, clear, potential.

Sit with this feeling, just imagine what that would feel like.

Perhaps you have a hard time imagining…

If so, grab a sheet of paper.  Just stare at it.  Ask yourself, “if I was a clean sheet of paper, what would I be doing right now?   I would have no arms or hands, so I can not write on myself to make a list.   I have no legs to get up and go somewhere else, like the printer tray.”

“I am only subject to a draft, perhaps blowing me off the table… or a human using me for something.  Hmmm…how nice it must be to be a blank sheet of paper, just sitting there.  No one expects anything of it.  It has no job to do, until it is needed… Wow, a blank sheet of paper, has a pretty chill existence.”

Sit with that.  Imagine, just laying there all bright and clean, and chill… no worries.

Okay, great, that is a place you should become familiar with.  You may even find a little grin on your face, imagining the lackadaisical life of a piece of paper.

I mean not all paper has the same ends… right… like maybe you are a blank sheet of tissue paper… the kind that fills a gift.  A package that brings a smile or a surprise.  This is a great ends for a piece of paper  and the person it serves… but alas, it still ends up in the trash.

You could imagine you are a piece of toilet paper… it also fills a package, but comes in very handy for several other uses, not all of which are very glamorous but are useful nonetheless.  Still it ends up down a drain or in a waste basket.

You can imagine you are piece of drawing paper, that meets a hand that lays upon it beautiful sketches… or maybe less than refined strokes… and maybe that paper will sit on a fridge somewhere, or travel the world… or maybe it will end up in a closet, lost… or perhaps it will get burned or thrown away…

We are but pieces of paper, filling ourselves up to the very edges of the page.  Ignoring that we are stuck inside an unfinished notebook.  And while trying to get the most out of every minute, and every inch of potential space… we ignore how much we may be wasting, mindlessly doodling the alphabet or some such nonsense which leaves no space for the real purpose we began thinking about paper in the first place.

Endless potential.Image

Are You Kidding Me? You REALLY Believe That?!?!

“Are you kidding me?  You REALLY, believe, that!?!?!”

I don’t say it out loud to anyone… but my brain screams it all the time.
I can be seen silently shaking my head, rolling my eyes back, face toward the sky, hands rubbing my temples and forehead…

I am disbelief, shock, confusion, exasperation, resignation, and sarcastic humor…tightly knotted up on the inside and my inability to understand, what the hell people could be thinking.

A few topics which create an energetic rise in me like this, are things like “the monetary system,”  “political structures,” “religious doctrine…”

If you are a person who is deeply connected to these systems, and feel they are Truth, and necessary ..well then at some point if we discuss it, I am going to feel like smacking you in the face in hopes of waking your ass up.

These three things are the biggest fictions running our current paradigm.  Few people see through it, or fight it, because they have no better solution, and jumping into the void makes them nervous and fearful.

It’s like an abused woman staying with her abuser, because she does not know where she will go, and she is afraid she will never find love or some one who wants her.  Fucked up shit.

Life is sooo cozy for people who have found solace in these times of material quantity, and spiritual slumber.  Believing their worth can be quantified by their possessions, and bank account digits.  Owning all the proofs of material success; and yet, somehow, always coming up wanting.

Neglecting that nagging internal Truth, that the Spirit, just isn’t really THAT impressed with material wealth.

The mind will retaliate… because it is so accustomed to process and program that it COULDN’T POSSIBLY IMAGINE SOMETHING DIFFERENT… so it will argue for the point…

“But money is nice to have. ”

“If we didn’t have government, everything would be chaos.”

“They are doing this for our safety, and freedom.”

“All you have to do is accept this, and you will be saved.”

“But I give a portion back to society.”

“Maybe they aren’t telling us right now, for our best interests.”

“Well at least I have a roof over my head and food to eat.”

EHHH!  Every one of those statements keeps people bound to a reality which no longer really suits them.

Let me ask you a very sincere question…

Do you REALLY believe that the world is full of terrorists, out to usurp your freedoms?

Do you REALLY believe that  there are a bunch of people out to get US?

From what I have observed from humanity, is that most people, want to live and let live.

Most people are not inherently “evil.”  Rather those who display that sort of behavior, have usually been indocternated or imbalanced in some way which causes that reaction in the world.

So if MOST people are not bad… then why the hell do we let the minority dictate how we exist with one another?

Perhaps it is just laziness?  Partially… a large part of it is fear.
Fear of a better idea, fear of failure, fear of self, fear of peers, fear of change, fear of the unknown.

 

LOOK AT OUR WORLD!  The state of affairs is looking rather dim for those of you who still believe the old lies.

Everyday some new information or situation comes to light, with it bringing the opportunity for each person to enlighten themselves.  Most people will not take this journey because it is a painful process… and let’s face it, most people avoid pain at all costs.  And when it sneaks up, what a dominating mistress can she be.
Choosing to meet with Pain on your own terms can prepare you for the process of letting go and transmuting what once was fearful, into something invigorating… besides, battle scars are hot.

Right now, many people are becoming acquainted with Pain in a new way, for the first time in their lives, because they have avoided themselves for a long time.  Submersed in force fed believes.  Finding within themselves a sort of bipolar soul which  aches so much to expand and break free… yet shackled to it’s scared self, afraid of it’s own power and adaptability.

I don’t want to see this any more… but sadly only those who want to help themselves will.  I leave little bread crumbs for those who wish to explore the other side of themselves.

Slowly I have reached a point where I feel bad for those in the world, which continue to ignore their own Inner Knowing, that these structures of control, are only in place to suppress truly Higher Potential.  Watching them drain themselves in pursuit of fiction, when infinite Abundance, clarity and Truth are but a breath away.

Do not be afraid of yourSelf.  Do not be afraid of what you can not see.  But follow your heart, even if it means jumping off the edge into the Void.

The void is all potential…. and this thing you cling to is like a stuffy old box, tired and outgrown.

 

Team Project

dbu4zqhpgyRemember, Once Upon A Time… in school, when eventually the teacher would require a team project.  One in which you were not allowed to pick your own group.  Everyone was assigned to their group by the teacher.

Kids like me, hated this.

Kids like me, knew better than to “team up” with just ANYBODY.

No, I was a hard worker, which meant that I wanted to work with the other hard workers… even if they weren’t my favorite people.  I could still admire the fact that they knew how to get down to business and get things done.  I may have no real social entanglements with my team partners, but we were assured a good grade.

Then the project comes along, wherein, all that blows out the window.

In this assignment, everyone has a slacker on their team… except for maybe one lucky team, who coincidentally usually ends up with less people in the group, and they all happen to be highly intelligent and driven.  I would always wonder why I didn’t get selected for that team.

The project would begin, usually with a slower start.  The people in my group would be use to my directive nature, and sit back, and relax while I take the reigns.  I would provoke participation, only to meet a brick wall; knowing in the end, nothing I could say would change their desire to participate.

After all this I would feel used, and drained.  I would feel as though people were taking advantage of my intelligence, drive, creativity, and follow through.

I hated it.  It filled me full of resentment toward both my peers and my teachers.   Especially the teachers.

I would think, “What the hell is wrong with these people to make them think that this assigned group shit is worthwhile on these terms?”

Things like this continue to happen as we get older and out of school.  The boss who takes credit for the work of an employee, the plagiarizer of work done by great artists and thinkers, left to copy and paste into whatever the slacker can not seem to produce for themselves.  I feel like this about artists reproducing the art of someone else, exactly.

Okay, great, you can copy what some one else did, and make it look very similar, perhaps with just a tiny twist of individuality … BUT HAVE YOU NO MIND OF YOUR OWN?  NO STYLE or PERSUASION?    Are you but hollow husks painted to look like a  full head of corn?

This feeling has run into my spiritual life, which I take far more seriously than any of the bullshit we deal with on a mundane basis.

I have been very consciously aware of my connection to the greater whole of humanity for most of my life.  It is that connection alone which leaves me feeling so disconnected at the same time.  It’s as though I was born half in this world, and half in another; and most of the people around me are not interacting with that “other world.”  They don’t understand where I am coming from, or what I am perceiving.

At times it feels very heavy, because it does not just influence me, it influences us all… I just seem to take it harder than most.

In my spiritual world, I have a job.  But it has nothing to do with money, or notoriety, or even happiness.   It is a job much of being a messenger.  Sometimes I have goodness to share, and other times I am the barer of bad news.  And many times, it feels like “DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER.”

I don’t make the rules, I don’t plan the scripting….I just show up, take what I am given and disseminate it to share.  People like me are scattered all over the globe with a tedious job of taking the reigns and leading peers to take a gander at the bigger picture.  To start participating on a higher level.  But we feel in the midst of slackers, who are taking the message too personally and retaliating with spiritual sabotage;  which is such an Earthbound response to knowing that the self is wrong and needs change.

I have to deal with two sets of requirements like taking an Advanced Placement Course.  I have to still mingle with those who don’t grasp the headier concepts.  I have to find patience in dealing with their avoidance.  It really fucking wears me out sometimes.  Imagine living life 24/7… no breaks.  This is the spiritual emotional job I have.  Sometimes people think I am callous, but really I just have little patience anymore for purposeful ignorance.

Now maybe the teachers who are setting us up in these groups… whether physical or spiritual, know something I have not yet grasped.  I mean they must know who strives , and who the slackers are.  They must observe how people catalyze one another, whether for better or worse.  And perhaps it is their experiment toward some sort of social change…. maybe they just think it’s a sick/funny joke.  Either way, we are told, that we will never be given more than we can handle.  I am waiting to see how THAT plays out.

Lately I have felt a tipping point.  I don’t want to help the slackers any more.  There is no excuse for their slacking.  I want them to see that their slacking effects us all, and it puts extra and undue stress on those of us who are already trying to keep balance.  I want to trust that the teachers really know what they are doing, and that they are doing what is best for everyone… but at times those waters are murky.    Lately those waters have been murky.  I want to cash in my chips and to say to hell with it.

But I can’t.  I am not allowed to.  I have to “follow through.”  It’s getting harder, not easier.

If we could all just agree that we are in this together, we all have a spiritual job to do, and show up for… my life would seem less like a losing battle.  I bet you yours would too.

Well then since We are Angels, Shall we Ascend?

Heal Yourself, Heal the WorldSo you found out your an Angel…. now what?

I mean, you don’t necessarily physically FEEL any different…  You may not detect any proof when you look in the mirror… there are no wings sprouting from your backhole.

You haven’t manifested anything from the unknown, instantaneously, or teleported anywhere.

What now?  What do you do?

If you have felt the calling of being an Angel, then NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO SLIP ON YOUR CLOAK OF DIVINITY!

It’s time for you to BELIEVE you are INFINITE.

Now, mind you, not because I say so…. no, no, no, no.

Rather, because there is that SOMETHING inside you which has been speaking to you, even when you were a child.  It was a voice in your heart which did not go away, but may have gotten suppressed and muffled over the years.  Years full of older people, telling you that “it’s all in your imagination.”  and “just be normal like everyone else.”

When I was a child I felt like I was the weirdest one ever born. You probably felt the same way.  So you and me, were sitting next to each other, avoiding eye contact; when our souls just wanted to interact and share Truth.  There were no elders to cultivate these opportunities…

If you listened to your heart through out the years, when others didn’t… slowly you would meet others like you, who continued to listen to their heart.  And taking in the wisdom of Elders, we never had as children, we began the conversations.

We are all in the middle of this conversation.  But so many things in this world are distracting us from listening.  The world without Spirit, is calling to “listen to the bombs” , “listen to the fearful cries,”  “look at the horror before you!!”  “conjure fear from what you see and hear.”

And our hearts want to look away.  But it’s hard to, because what else is there to look forward to?  At least that is what the Distractors want you to believe….

COME BACK TO YOUR HEART, SWEET ANGEL!

What does your heart say?

Mine says ” I WANT TO GO HOME!  This place ISN’T right.  WE are SO MUCH MORE than we allow ourselves to be.”

“Turn away from the Distractors.  Listen to your heart, like a child, like an Angel.”

“Know your divinity and find comfort in it.”

If you believe in Ascension, then now is the time to let go of what is, this distracted horror.

To focus Higher.

There are those of Us, who have known that the only reason We are Here, Now… is because We were needed in order to remind the other parts of  Ourselves ;  WHO We REALLY ARE, and to clarify, what we ARE NOT.

We ARE slaves by choice.

We ARE ignorant by choice.

We ARE STUCK BY CHOICE!

But choice can set us free.

It has been our double edge sword, this thing we call choice.

We have seen our options, our potential paths played out in a plethora of ways with so many faces.

We have reached so far, for so much, for each other.   But what have We actually done for ourselves as individuals?  We have waited on martyrs and saviors, aliens, and governments.

We have individually, each been asleep to the fact that we are not just humans being.

Though we have taught ourselves to master that role.  The cloth no longer fits.  And it is restrictive.

Save yourself in a righteous way.  Treat Yourself with dignity and Divinity.  Then you will be able to TRULY treat others with Divinity.

None of Us were born perfect in this creation.  We had choices to make, and lessons to learn.  We had to choose not to buy into insanity.

Some of you are just awakening to the insanity, and it is potentially very scary.  Do not feel overwhelmed or angry.  Cast fear to the side.

Angels do not live in fear, they live in their Mission.  The Mission may be at times caught in distraction, but the Mission will not fail.

Angels don’t have the same choice as a humans.  Angels have Missions.

They have already chosen the side they work for.  Everything else, is just in the details.

 

asccension

F*$K THIS! (may be considered full of foul language… but I say it’s context is right on)

Image                                                                                                                             Excuse me for being brash… crude; crass, rude, un-Kosher, un-classy, and perhaps even UNACCEPTABLE…. but I am pretty sure I am not the only one, IN THIS BIG yet small World… who at times, thinks; Fuck This.

Fuck it all!  Fuck this, fuck that, and use a whiffle ball bat!

I can’t say what moments bring you to that point, but I DO know I have ’em.  I struggle.  I look at the accumulation of all that is, and see its potential to be so much more… and in the same glance I see all the hurdles and blocks that restrict the way.

I see it every day.  And some days, I feel like a champion. I love a challenge and I am ready to meet any one that may come, head on.  But some days, I just wanna say “Fuck THIS… it isn’t worth my time/energy/creativity/life force.”

It isn’t because I am lazy… but rather because everyday I wake up, I rise with the belief that “Today will be better!  Today I won’t have to give looks of confusion or redundant disbelief, because they will get IT too!  And perhaps today will be the day of harmony!  Finally we can all just get over ourselves and GET ON with Our Next Big Task.”

I get, like two minutes into my day, only to realize….uh well, today probably isn’t THAT Day.  And I know this because I am the first person I encounter in a day… and if I am not, for some reason, bliss-ed out… well chances are no one else is.

There are many philosophical discussions on perspective.  How our perspective, colors and influences the World we see and interact with it.  Cultures far older, honor a system of reflection.  The greater I AM, IS ALL and WE ARE IT, and IT IS US… and so it goes.  Perhaps no One Person is Perfect…but between the collection of our experiences, together we can create a symbiosis of Perfection through Our unique expressions and perceptions.

Anyway… along those lines,  many cultures talk about an up coming “Golden Age.”  A proverbial time many have found intriguing for the fact they feel the same aching, internally, in which says…”Fuck This.”

It doesn’t have to be rude, or mean.  It doesn’t have to even relate to laziness or cowardliness..  Rather it comes from a conclusion, which is far headier than most want to admit to.  It comes down, or rather UP to seeing a bigger picture; which quite frankly may invoke a desire to shit ones pants.

It is the acceptance of our collective nature in a Source, far more multifaceted than modern cultures and religions have given it credit for.  When the Hindus talk about having 33 million Gods in their belief… but One Absolute…  They could be very close to the Truth.  I mean if we are all made of the same star dust; and If We look at Ourselves, We see many faces of God. At that point it seems weird to have such superficial divisions.  (Except for the fact that there are have been those who wish to enslave humanity, knowingly.  And only for nefarious reasons… which we are observing and taking emotional action toward…)

Some of Us are only just now recognizing the repetitive nature of existence.   It’s lessons, our participation, and It’s steadfast nature in conveying impressions of Truth through any avenue.  It is unavoidable.

For some of us,  It seems We have been struggling, consciously, longer than others.

Perhaps this is where competition really stems.  If there is an “end,” then most likely it is “Source.”  Why shouldn’t we rush, and push each other to get there? Like Spiritual Sperm finding the Etheric Egg. Most of Us are in for the long haul, but many of Us are reaching Our own thresholds in a way of in-explainable proportions.

The game is just an old rehash, kids. From every parallel and perpendicular; every story has been played out, far too many times…. EXCEPT,  the ones that include Ascended Masters.

No one gets tired of imagining themselves as some sort of Savior… meanwhile defaulting in  realities mind fuck, in such a way that it relies on some one else to take the proverbial reins and Save, what could be seen as a Sinking Spiritual Ship that is the Hopeless Human.

And that is what separates those who say “Fuck This,”  and mean it as a mantra of not giving up… and those who say the same words, with different tones, resonating in defeat and complete submission to the moment, with out regard to the end result which comes in it’s own way, unprovoked.

I, was a child, who never really liked just chatting about the weather… but I sure did enjoy talking about having control over it.  These are conversations of sages and the Future.  I am by no means calling myself a Sage.  But I will admit to being a voice of the Future, and Let me tell you; The Future is Now.

Sure, sure, sure… people have been saying that for a long time… but never in history (this time around) have We been able to reach such a critical mass of people, so quickly, who see through the bullshit; and know better than to wait on a Savior. THEY= YOU, know You have the ability to Save Yourself/ Us.   You/We are just waiting on the 100th Monkey to pick up the straw, and go with it.

I know at some point, We will get our 100th Monkey… and I will not give up hope.  Just as, in turn I will say;  The journey has been crazy and worth it… and I am here to endure it.  But at times I find We have neglected Our Own Divinity too long.  It’s time to hop on Our Own Soul Train… We have had time to reflect on our past, we have been given opportunities to endlessly rehash… But Now, a new sun on a new horizon, and it is calling Us.

No more fussing and fighting.  Time is calling for Re Uniting.  And we are the ones to live in the New Sun, We are the Ones who bring the blessings of Eternal Guiding.

When I say Fuck This… I honor where we have been… and I get it.

Do You?

When I say I want to move on, it is because my Soul says We Are Bound for SO Much MORE!

May you Master the Fuck Out of This Experience in order to be Confident in moving into the Next .

What if You found out You Are an Angel?

heartSeriously… what if you found out you are an angel?  Think about all the ways that revelation could go down.

I mean, you have to think that however the big reveal goes, has to be in alignment with the shock and acceptance of the Angel being revealed.

Could be really fucking nerve wrecking… earth shattering…strange.

I suppose there would have to be a recoup period… unless they use tactics which play to  strengths within your acceptance… it would probably have to start with the Ego, and use it as an asset.

Right now, all I can think about is cinematic “ghost reveals.”  It always seems people have a hard time finding out they are dead, especially when it is in the movies.   I can only guess that finding out you are an angel is even more traumatic to some degree.

I mean if you find out you are just a stagnant spirit your options are limited…. Angels…. whew… they have BIG personalities… wings…potentially asexual genitalia….ACCESS TO HEAVEN…. big job those Angels have.

So you find out that you have A BIGGER JOB WITH MORE RESPONSIBILITIES THAN YOU DID AS A HUMAN….. What the WHAT?

I know, I know…. it’s because when you think of Angels, you think of Heaven, which seems like it should be super chill and less heavy on responsibly….  But then your big Angel brain is all like, “whoa, Heavy, heady, and Heaven all start with H-E-A… and ‘V’  SOUNDS like a ‘D’ in SOME LANGUAGES…..”

That is when shit gets fucked.

Your brain starts making all these far out connections, because now you have access to the furthest reaches of this perceived Universe….

After decompression comes debriefing.  And that is like the best boring class of EVER…. you leave feeling really ENLIGHTENED… but completely Carfunkeled…. because your heart and brain and now working in tandem with your Spiritual Ego… and it is down right frightening.  Not scary like, but just WHOAH, holy crap, WHOAH! energy pouring out of your words and movements…. it would be a lot to get use to.

Lucky for Angels, time is not perceived as it is here in EARth, so this works to everyone’s advantage.

You go through Angel training camp… learn the ropes… get eased into those wings.

Next thing you know you are back on EARth but in a different way… and to everyone else it is but a blink of an eye… because Time isn’t what anyone thinks it is….

And you stand there, where you left but a blink ago, a different Hue-Man.  Only to be reborn in a moment with some new comprehension of your place, space and face….

Things look the same and some how different.  It is refreshing with this new sense of height; the ability to separate and still be connected.  The experience of  renewed purpose with out a solid definition… the ability to work with the Ego and not fight it.

Words change as they flow from your lips because in this moment, EVERYTHING has meaning… and Nothing is separate from the Whole.

The mission of the Ego shifts to accommodate it’s comrades of Consciousness, Truth, Compassion and Love… The rule book changes to alleviate suffering in an uncommon and New way.

Finding Divinity presents itself as worth while and rewarding.

Just imagine, if You found out You are an Angel.Image

Sleep

sun

Almost an atmosphere animated

Blustery billowing and bellowing

I’m counting lovers

instead of sheep

In these sheets I struggle to sleep

Remembering these

threads of me

Woven at times

Incongruously

And the sheep I know

skip no fences

In their defense, it is electric

Much like my synapses

A bit too spastic at these times of night

Still I fight for rest, I am unable to own

Nights long past, not spent alone

But in this loneliness I have comfortably grown

Sleep will come when my lonliness I postpone

Aug 2002

11E,

Well, I am home.  And sort of in disbelief that I am here.  It is so wierd.  I went out tonight despite not sleeping for over 48 hours.  I saw a bunch of people from high school.   I didn’t want to talk to them; they looked really lost.  The same old people hanging out with the same old people since God knows when.

I was glad I wasn’t them.

Then I started thinking… in your own little way, you are those people.

And throughout our relationship I tried to be those people despite the fact; that inside, I really didn’t want to be those people.

This is neither bad nor good.  It is just yet another thing that makes us different.

I’ve never wanted that lifestyle.  I feel, something else awaits me.  Somewhere else.

And that’s okay.  I’m willing to search until I find it.

You too will find something.

The “same old, same old” routine fits you, and you enjoy it…

Maybe you always will.  Perhaps it fits your comfort level.

I am still waiting on my niche.

E, You are amazing in your own ways! And so creative; please, never become so comfortable with things, that you forget to expand your mind and your inspiration.

I am stoned right now.   Sitting in a pop up camper in my parents back yard.

This letter probably makes no sense, but regardless, I am going to write it.

I always thought you put on the facade of “the well adjusted funny guy,” but as I have gotten to know you; I see that even you doubt yourself at times.  And sometimes “sort of comfortable” is just comfortable enough.

Spread your fucking wings, E!  DOOO IT!  You can!

Listen to me, BAH Miss Wyoming.

I’m sorry we couldn’t just have our sweet perfect last day.  But just as our first meeting paraded as perfect, we lived a farce and tried to birth truth and perfection…AHHH, how we tried!  No worries.

We loved, we were wrong and diseased in our own ways.

We learned, we lost eachother, and gained knowledge.

Luck, and blessings to you.

I gave you my love, and part of my heart… but you must know I will ask for it back sometime down the road.

You can have yours back too…ya know… for someday down the road.

Good, bad, we did it all with passion and intensity.  Thanks!  I don’t hate you and never will.  I am glad I feel this way.

I love you, boy.  And the maturity we both need is just over the hill, almost at hand.  But we both know, we are going to have to let go of all we know and accept as “normal” and “comfortable” to get there.

It’s just another leg in the journey.  See you at the end?

Love you still and in my heart