Today I feel a little bit different. Last night I went through pounds and pounds of old papers and journals. The things we choose to hold on to, can be astounding. I had pages of directions for locations I have been to, disconnected numbers of old friends… even pages written by owners of notebooks that came into my possession. Most of the writing has some heavy emotional tie to it.
As I started sifting through these remnants of the past, I was hit by how much of this emotional baggage I have been carting around for the last ten years. I try to keep my load light just as a rule, but I was literally weighing myself down with pages and pages that had no real additive to the over all story.
So I lost about ten pounds last night. Ten pounds of unwanted, unmissable baggage.
My dreams were even effected by my actions, and I woke up feeling lighter than I have in a while.
I know through experience that clearing out the old, makes room for the newness. Sometimes it is an easy thing to forget, as we become attached to the objects of our desire. But soon we are reminded of discernment and to sift through the accumulation to find what really matters. A clear house, a clear mind.
Seriously… what if you found out you are an angel? Think about all the ways that revelation could go down.
I mean, you have to think that however the big reveal goes, has to be in alignment with the shock and acceptance of the Angel being revealed.
Could be really fucking nerve wrecking… earth shattering…strange.
I suppose there would have to be a recoup period… unless they use tactics which play to strengths within your acceptance… it would probably have to start with the Ego, and use it as an asset.
Right now, all I can think about is cinematic “ghost reveals.” It always seems people have a hard time finding out they are dead, especially when it is in the movies. I can only guess that finding out you are an angel is even more traumatic to some degree.
I mean if you find out you are just a stagnant spirit your options are limited…. Angels…. whew… they have BIG personalities… wings…potentially asexual genitalia….ACCESS TO HEAVEN…. big job those Angels have.
So you find out that you have A BIGGER JOB WITH MORE RESPONSIBILITIES THAN YOU DID AS A HUMAN….. What the WHAT?
I know, I know…. it’s because when you think of Angels, you think of Heaven, which seems like it should be super chill and less heavy on responsibly…. But then your big Angel brain is all like, “whoa, Heavy, heady, and Heaven all start with H-E-A… and ‘V’ SOUNDS like a ‘D’ in SOME LANGUAGES…..”
That is when shit gets fucked.
Your brain starts making all these far out connections, because now you have access to the furthest reaches of this perceived Universe….
After decompression comes debriefing. And that is like the best boring class of EVER…. you leave feeling really ENLIGHTENED… but completely Carfunkeled…. because your heart and brain and now working in tandem with your Spiritual Ego… and it is down right frightening. Not scary like, but just WHOAH, holy crap, WHOAH! energy pouring out of your words and movements…. it would be a lot to get use to.
Lucky for Angels, time is not perceived as it is here in EARth, so this works to everyone’s advantage.
You go through Angel training camp… learn the ropes… get eased into those wings.
Next thing you know you are back on EARth but in a different way… and to everyone else it is but a blink of an eye… because Time isn’t what anyone thinks it is….
And you stand there, where you left but a blink ago, a different Hue-Man. Only to be reborn in a moment with some new comprehension of your place, space and face….
Things look the same and some how different. It is refreshing with this new sense of height; the ability to separate and still be connected. The experience of renewed purpose with out a solid definition… the ability to work with the Ego and not fight it.
Words change as they flow from your lips because in this moment, EVERYTHING has meaning… and Nothing is separate from the Whole.
The mission of the Ego shifts to accommodate it’s comrades of Consciousness, Truth, Compassion and Love… The rule book changes to alleviate suffering in an uncommon and New way.
Finding Divinity presents itself as worth while and rewarding.
Well, I am home. And sort of in disbelief that I am here. It is so wierd. I went out tonight despite not sleeping for over 48 hours. I saw a bunch of people from high school. I didn’t want to talk to them; they looked really lost. The same old people hanging out with the same old people since God knows when.
I was glad I wasn’t them.
Then I started thinking… in your own little way, you are those people.
And throughout our relationship I tried to be those people despite the fact; that inside, I really didn’t want to be those people.
This is neither bad nor good. It is just yet another thing that makes us different.
I’ve never wanted that lifestyle. I feel, something else awaits me. Somewhere else.
And that’s okay. I’m willing to search until I find it.
You too will find something.
The “same old, same old” routine fits you, and you enjoy it…
Maybe you always will. Perhaps it fits your comfort level.
I am still waiting on my niche.
E, You are amazing in your own ways! And so creative; please, never become so comfortable with things, that you forget to expand your mind and your inspiration.
I am stoned right now. Sitting in a pop up camper in my parents back yard.
This letter probably makes no sense, but regardless, I am going to write it.
I always thought you put on the facade of “the well adjusted funny guy,” but as I have gotten to know you; I see that even you doubt yourself at times. And sometimes “sort of comfortable” is just comfortable enough.
Spread your fucking wings, E! DOOO IT! You can!
Listen to me, BAH Miss Wyoming.
I’m sorry we couldn’t just have our sweet perfect last day. But just as our first meeting paraded as perfect, we lived a farce and tried to birth truth and perfection…AHHH, how we tried! No worries.
We loved, we were wrong and diseased in our own ways.
We learned, we lost eachother, and gained knowledge.
Luck, and blessings to you.
I gave you my love, and part of my heart… but you must know I will ask for it back sometime down the road.
You can have yours back too…ya know… for someday down the road.
Good, bad, we did it all with passion and intensity. Thanks! I don’t hate you and never will. I am glad I feel this way.
I love you, boy. And the maturity we both need is just over the hill, almost at hand. But we both know, we are going to have to let go of all we know and accept as “normal” and “comfortable” to get there.
It’s just another leg in the journey. See you at the end?
Few of you may know, that I went to jail in early 2005. The charges were “domestic dispute with a misdemeanor of assault I went to jail that night for about 16 hours. It was by far one of the strangest things I have ever encountered. I don’t talk about it as a respect to the other party, who really loves his privacy on such matters. Regardless, I really do try and keep a good mindset about all things. And though the jail thing was hairy, I endured it. Upon seeing a court evaluator, I asked “what is the most the court will ask me to do?” He said community service and classes on domestic violence and drug and alcohol abuse. I got the info and got in right away. I found a community art gallery and donated my time to the cause. I wrote this piece two days out of jail… but I had to wait 7 months for a hearing with a judge. In the mean time, I did everything the was going to ask me to… ONLY I DID IT BEFORE THEY ASKED.
At the end of the trial ( there were people on the jury, who had totally bought a pizza from me a Papa Murphy’s) where I was found guilty, the judge talked to me off the record, wherein I shared this piece of writing.
She was impressed with what I had done, and said I could have my record expunged after 4 years, if no other incidence.
There has been no other incidence. I have been single for 7 years. That was my last serious relationship. It ended weird and now I have a mark on my record… why? Why haven’t I had it expunged? Because I would rather put petrol in my car, and buy a six pack then pay yet another $85 dollars into the system I found myself indebted to.
How did I win? Well I guess I cut a lot of drama out of my life after all of that, and yet, at moments knowing what I know; I find myself still fearing the law. Fuck me.
Your Honor,
I come before you a humble and humiliated part of society
my brain screams
“girls like me, don’t belong in jail”
but I compromised what allows me to be free
My reality, assault in the fourth degree
a fight
domestically
Luckily not another tragedy
just a young woman
with too much to drink
a tendency to over think
and a bottle of rage packed inside
These things I over looked
came back to bite
and now I know what a night in jail is like
I can’t remember the succession in which it all happened
Only I know
I don’t want it to happen again
I don’t want a record
or a label like criminal
Since that day
I pay for my actions
Two hundred and fifty
of my cash
goes to bail I owe
Not to mention the
broken double pane window
My brain gets lost when it thinks
of these court costs
My humiliation is evident at my job
with this broken nose
and black eye
No way to disguise.
Humbled as a daughter
who had to call home from a holding cell
didn’t go over so well 2000 miles away.
I’ve been waiting to talk to Your Honor
for weeks, just trying to think what I could do
for Deschutes County to drop these charges against me.
I confess I am willing to do anything
I can to lessen the charge
counseling or deferment
I don’t know yet
I ask your Honor for help
so that I can contain the stress
that made me burst outward
with violence
It makes no sense to me,
how I could act irrationally
but then again
it was that dark part
that comes out with that depressing friend called liquor
it gets that range pumping quicker
until your mind goes black
and you are ready to attack your lover
The marks on my face
disgrace me
Public Humility
evidence of the darkness that exists inside all of us
once let loose
I am only here in Bend temporarily until March 10th
Then I send myself back to middle America
I swear it’s my word and your judgement
Your Honor, I trust what you decide, will fit the crime.
I appreciate you, for allowing me, this time with you.
I can’t stop thinking… or feeling that there is something bigger that I am missing. Something BIGGER than the biggest big I could conceptualize. Everyday the search begins again. Little pieces to the bigger puzzle, leaving me empowered and confused. Addicted to the search. I have gained so many new tools in my stability that I have started to feel that rumble and shake inside telling me to move on and use this newly acquired knowledge.
I received some cash today for art. I put it in a thin necked Vodka bottle. It is harder to get it out that way. I want 500 to travel with. What is 500 bucks? Nothing. Bills in a bottle. I am almost a tenth of the way there. Not bad. Should be easy enough. I make it harder with its easy accessibility. I have to set up my own boundaries. That too should be easy enough as I seem to set some sort of boundary for myself on a daily basis. Not even the good kind. No doubt as I tackle the task of breaking the boundaries I will be learning new skills of survival.
I live very much in a now and present future oriented mindset. I aquire what I need in the moment as a way of confirming my energy in work… I think I am in the surplus. This excites me, I just yet have not seen the total fruits of my labor. This should be exciting fruition.
I have not yet traveled as much as I would have liked, to the distances I have hoped to see. This will be a future manifestation when I finally have something tangible to offer. But what is this; all these journals and pictures? Is that not tangible? Sure but it is the old journey and I am in the drivers seat for something new. I am a pioneer who has yet to pick their path for the destination.
I ask inspiration to guide me into uncharted water. I want to ride the current to a place few find because they fight the flow. Getting caught up in a cove somewhere so close to paradise. Always wondering the great “what if?” (Something I refuse to suffocate from.)
This acquisition of comfort is such a gift. I have all I need and more in this moment, but I need more movement to balance this fixture of roots. I am ready to dive deep and move forward in flow.
I ask that I am offered support, and that I be willing to accept it when it is fulfilling for everyone involved. This is truly and exciting journey.
Then he clasped his hands together, smiled, and said,
“This could be a good time!”
“There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are torn apart and will suffer greatly.
“Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above water. And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate.
At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, Least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.
The time for the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word struggle from you attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”
— attributed to an unnamed Hopi elder
Hopi Nation
Oraibi, Arizona
(Here is an audio recording I made of my Ode to Water.)
Have you heard of my beautiful friend Water?
The innovator of the phrase “Let it Flow.”
You may have seen her, she gets around quite a bit
Oh that Sweet Water
She is quite the mover and shaker
She has friends all over , and all sorts adore her.
She came to be when her two gay Hydrogen Fathers approached their good friend Oxygen with the idea of creation
new life , beginning.
The conversation had been stirring that life had become a little to stagnant and sticky
The Hydrogens and Oxygen felt a need to let in a little flow
And despite their differences, felt a bit like innovators with their idea
It took a while to figure out a formula that worked…
But then those Hydrogen Fathers sandwiched Oxygen between themselves
And Water was born
Out of polarity came this Neutral Solvant
In a sense it was structured improvisation
All the elements working in their own way
Nature tending toward perfection
Despite how odd the occurrence, or how illogical it may seem
Within this improvisation was a creation of malleability
Water was a mischievous youth and a wonderful teacher
She has always been a fantastic imitator, with a photographic memory
She ran wild through the woods blessing all she could touch
Taking in everything it had to offer
Adding it to herself
And then moving on in her unique way
There was no boundary she could not reach beyond
Even when She was out of sight, she was still around
She traveled where ever her heart wanted to go
Growing large and vast
Connecting herself to everything she came into contact with
Leaving pieces of herself behind as to grow her ideas of prospective change
Magical adaptation
Ultimate mobility and convergence
Water was always ahead of her time
The other elements were a bit jealous of her ability to transmutate herself
Not realizing she was changing them, as she changed herself
In any situation or environment she touched
They marveled at her cooperative relationship to Temperature
And wondered at her ability to patiently weather all stages of her cycles
Even when she was at times Cold as Ice, she was still quite graceful
It was a common observation that she could be the most gentle of the elements
And also one of the most threatening.
When I was a child, my grandfather told me, “If you respect water, She will respect you; If you honor Her, she will teach you to Honor yourself.”
And when I would swim within that skin of Water, I would gently pull my arms down on her
Breaking the surface tension and submersing my self inside her
Thinking always, that she would hold me and move me along
As I grew, I became closer to Water, she enjoyed the respect and came to visit often
She would follow me on all my travels and she never complained about the weather
Except to say she thought the Desert had an unspoken grudge
Which was fine, because I rarely traveled anywhere but through the Desert to some other lush region
We talked long about the Desert, and its sense of helplessness that it disguises through resilience.
Water joked that anywhere she wasn’t allowed to hang out for too long, was no place for anyone to be
Some had accused Water of being a bit of a loiter at inconvenient times
Water knows more about this Earth and everyone on it than you could even imagine.
I suppose if she was anyone else she would be a big gossip, but actually she is a fantastic secret keeper
Water remembered every conversation, every thought, every prayer
She always knew my worries and needs
And when recognized would become the most brilliant amplifier
She absorbed every change, flowed through every integration
When others didn’t want to be like anyone else
Water was always totally herself, meaning to say
Water wanted to be EVERYONE and EVERYTHING always, and forever
Which is exactly what she is
Everything and nothing
She loves when you gaze within her shimmering eyes to see your own reflection
Because you are her, and she is you
She was born knowing that
It is her mission to share that knowledge, hence all of her worldly travels
From the tiniest blood vessel to the widest sea
She’s been there, all up in it
Sometimes she shares the beauty she has experienced through her snowflakes,
little perfect geometric shapes
Water captures prayers and praises and changes them into the most beautiful little expressions
And if you stare at the sky and attempt to catch them on your tongue
Did you know you are taking inside of yourself; someone elses prayer or affirmation as it falls back to earth.
You are sharing a piece of someone else, which has inherently been recorded and crystallized by Water?
When you bathe in water you are sitting in a collection of thoughts and experiences and eliminations.
And Water is in bliss when you finally see it for yourself
Water tells us that just as she must come, she must go
And as she gathers along her way, she must release
She reminds us that as we take time to eliminate her from our bodies, through exertion and elimination
She says it’s good to consciously get rid of old thoughts that are no longer serving us
And that it is also a process in the cycle to appreciate and honor
At times it may seem Water is stressed out by life
Angered by the sight of pain and dis-ease
And she will come wailing in from the sky hitting eyes of passers by as they run for shelter
In her seeming helter skelter
And people curse her for reigning down
Thinking, something as gentle as water should never create waves
But some days she can’t help herself. She can be a catalytic force to be reckoned with.
It would be ridiculous to think one with such a brilliant memory would remember to be gentle all the time
Think of all the pain and destruction she has seen not at her own hand
Like tears in your eyes sometimes things need to be washed away
To clean house and start over
She has shared so much of herself with us
And we have unconsciously given back so much crap
That at times it seems like she is attacking
But She, just as we, at times need to purge
What most fail to see is the lesson of our own reflection
Our willingness toward emotional pollution
Our blames and lack of solutions
Our anger at our environment and ourselves
Our desire for help
But our unwillingness to change
What if change just means perspective
Water has been teaching us the whole time that our ability to handle all of this is within our control
But we let go of our cooperation some time ago
Slowly there are those hoping to win it back
They see the potential of fluidity in humanity
They understand the plan at the hand of Water
They want her to guide us
Because she cut her own path
And she constantly goes back to Source
She learns and takes with her wherever she goes
She flows freely, changing environmentally, adding to biology
Always giving back
Constant cycles
Her consciousness is ALL of US
We can not exist with out what she has to offer
Her filing cabinet is the planet,
It is the record keeper and proof that she was here and somehow, someway made a difference
Now is our chance to share our appreciation for Water
If everyday we choose to Bless her, she will be more willing to share her secrets with us
The first secret is this, you are never far from Truth and change than when this you do
Say, “Water, Great recorder keeper, Great Transmutator, Blessed Giver of Life
I honor You, I thank you! I love you, for you are the cutter of the path, the source of moisture to the Earth, Vapor of the Rainbows, A silent White morning Evident in our Sky
You flow around me, through me, and back to the Earth
Constantly changing , and yet always staying in some form
Water, I bless you, I honor you
Thank you Great Teacher
I walk in the path of respect for You”
Thank her daily, and her secrets will seep inside of you
One must ask first for her knowledge
It is part of sacred development to learn to ask for it
And then to be willing to receive what She has to offer
She teaches her lessons many ways, and one must not judge it with any sense of duality
Water is not good or bad
She is what she is.
The reflection of the observer
Blessed to have her as a Great Teacher
Always blessed to be her Student
But this too is perspective,
Water has been known to manipulate change in the perspectives of others
The difference is in the conscious realization
Which is when she says to you “let it flow. Just let it go and ride with it.
Take a deep breathe, keep your eyes open and drop off the edge
Get really, really wet
Don’t fight the current, watch out for obstruction
In my dream I was told that nothing was gonna happen, nothing was going to change, that the biggest deception of all, believing the world will rearrange.
And in my dream I thought to myself, well if nothing changes, than I refuse to go on, because I have a purpose inside that tells me I have to keep keepin’ on.
The East and the West are melding and lines have only been drawn in our minds. This Red Electric Skywalker will teach you to walk the thin line, then how to absolve what you find.
In physicality we have demonstrated demonology, we have played the part of duality, it has been inside of you and me for as long as we remember.
But when you slumber there are chances to rise above it. To see what it has done to us. You’ve chosen your own symbology, decided what it means to be: Human.
But the Spirit in you, the one you haven’t given much credit to, has been on the sidelines this entire time guiding you through the mucky muck, when you thought it was just random luck.
Face it, we have been coerced to see the worst in ourselves and one another. We understand now the possibility that lies within negativity.
It’s become so blatant to see all around us. We have fussed, and fought; been internally wrought with confusion. We have ignored our own solutions. The little hiding gem beneath the soiled dirt, beyond the pain and hurt, is love.
Just love unconditional.
When you dig down to find it, you will be guided by the light it gives. And when you finally hold it in your hands, you understand the duality of man, and how to transcend it. We weren’t left here with out devices to find love when the time was right. So now, it is time for the light to absolve us. To lighten the load below us. To walk the clouds of confidence that lift us in love.
For the things you do not love in yourself, there is solution. Change yourself in internal evolution, let your cells speak of revolution, for they are fighting back. When the vibrations of the lower start to choke you, let Universal Unconditional Love, stroke you back to health.
You are a potential wealth of love. No one can give it to you, find it for you, or tell you exactly where to go… but if you listen without judgment, that heaven sent map will guide you on your individual way, to the place of your hearts calling.
So to those who dismiss the greatest mission we have ever had, well they just haven’t found theirs yet.
Let go of the things you’ve been told forever, walk through the stormy weather with a smile. All the while knowing, that this motion is the needed emotion to making the world a little bit better.
Today I feel a little bit different. Last night I went through pounds and pounds of old papers and journals. The things we choose to hold on to, can be astounding. I had pages of directions for locations I have been to, disconnected numbers of old friends… even pages written by owners of notebooks that came into my possession. Most of the writing has some heavy emotional tie to it.
Madge Midgely 