Mandie Shattuck is hidden in plain sight. She is self taught painter, writer and performer currently living in Cheyenne, Wy. Her art is a response to our shifting consciousness in our ever evolving world. Her topics revolve around self awareness and empowerment. Sometimes it is goofy- there are links to other media platforms if you seek supplementary mental entertainment.
I am writing this as a “Thank You” to all of you who have touched my life, or in return, have been touched by mine.
It is easy to get caught up in ourselves; our world is very ego centric. It is easy to take things and people for granted; to forget that we are all in a symbiotic relationship.
I want to spend this post, thanking those who have imparted some influence on my course in life… which is nothing at all like I thought it would be: once upon a time ago.
Many times, I have told myself, that “I feel too much.” And it is overwhelming. However, as an empath, I just feel all the time, on such an acute scale… it is hard to describe it in detail.
For me, it has come as depressions. Luckly, I know I am strong enough to ride the storm, but, admittidly, they are annoying. No one wants to be unhappy and stifled for weeks on end.
This letter of appreciation, is for all of you who have believed in me, and supported me through my doldrums. It is for those of you, who showed up to read a post, because you needed it in the moment.
My life has been one of servatude to humanity. My work, on such a small scale, is an act of prevention and inspiration.
I know that it is realistically insane to be happy or upbeat, all of the time. Not only that… but it is hard to do. I know that we are all sorts of sensative about things, people and situations, due to our past experiences. I know that certain things can act as triggers to deeper feelings, often catalyzed in an unintentional way. I know that sometimes a stranger says the perfect thing, at the perfect time.
I write for that part of a human. I write to that part of the human. I don’t reach millions of people per day… maybe five on a really productive day. I don’t do what I do for fame or following… I do it because I have been there. Once upon a time, I needed my own medicine and there was no one to administer the remedy. Mostly because I didn’t believe in myself.
I say THANK YOU, because I know whole heartidly that there is no way we would end up connected, if we didn’t have something to connect over.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for feeling and using resources to reach connection. Thank you.
Thank you for having the strength to try and figure yourself out and do better for yourself.
I am blessed to be reaching you, who are only miles or oceans away. I am blessed to have your input and opinion based off your own personal experience.
Thank you for showing up. Thank you for allowing me space to be vulnerable. I appreciate the ability to be heard by you; my wish, is to always leave something worth thinking about; in hopes that when we leave ourselves, we leave them better than when we found ourselves.
Thank You.
If there are topics you would like to discuss, please leave a comment, and I will work on that. I want to bring you content that inspires you to come back for more. I would love a deeper dialog on here, and it is YOU, I am talking to.
When suffering from depression, or mental illness; it can be very hard to live in domestic partnerships. This is especially true, when the partner of the sufferer, has no interest in gaining coping skills to off set some of the dramatic emotional upheavals that are bound to occur.
We don’t plan our depressions; it can take years and years of self awareness to pin point all the potential triggers, as often times they tend to be more subconscious programs. Dates, places, and phrases can, and often times, will set off a new bout of despair.
When the despair hits, it leads to an overwhelming feeling of being misunderstood, and alienated. These feelings amplify self criticism; making the already annoying self critical response clock in off the charts. A pervasive weight of ” I can do nothing right.” and “It’s all my fault.”
The thoughts and feelings that you may have had on “good days” now are second guessed and reduced to illusion. That voice of illusion, says “No one really loves you. No one ever will.”
It’s hard not to feel crazy when logic and emotion collide in the confusion of depression.
This is a piece I wrote while in a domestic partnership, that led me to spending a night in jail for domestic violence. I started attending drug, alcohol, and domestic abuse classes for court.
Many times through the 7 months that I attended, I asked my partner to come with me; as I felt they were sharing a lot of useful information. I also thought it would put us on the same page, so that we could move forward, together.
However, he was not interested in those classes; which said to me, he didn’t really care about Us. It broke my heart, and inevitably we split up. For years, I wondered, “what if? What if he was invested in my desire to get better? ”
I have since had to move on from that, and accept where I am, and who I am today. I know that not just any one can handle the unforeseen upsets of the future. It will require strength, patience, and cooperation.
When Words Signal the End.
This frustration builds. This love, a lie. And I am burning for more than this disappointment.
I am yearning for more than this fear of abandonment.
Alone with these thoughts and feeling, despite the activity around me; this soul is closed. All the doors are closed.
We can’t communicate. You say my reality isn’t valid.
It really isn’t yours to judge, but you do; constantly.
You blame me for being some fucked up artist.
It isn’t that, at all.
Can’t you see, sometimes we are both wrong.
No. You control. You blame. Nothing changes.
You bribe the master, waiving possibilities in my face. Nothing is ever manifest; it finds itself as watered down truths, dripping lies from your lips.
I am down, because you keep me there.
I am mad, because you show you care, in the most fucked up ways.
Days later, you apologize; so we keep riding the storm.
Love borne Hate. Emancipation is evident. All of this too late.
I am debating my hate; trying to hold my love, but I am drowning.
It’s astounding to watch from the wings, as I take swings at your face.
Wasting time, like it’s easy to buy; when really it’s hard to replace.
I want for you to show me something real; but the wheel of life turns and this heart burns with heartache.
Love is a dish best served cold, old and mouldy upon a paper plate. Swarming with fly larvae,
It isn’t tangible; it causes vertigo as my brain starts to go south.
My mouth a cesspool of verbs and curving words; they slice like a knife, through this paper flesh.
Should I regret this venture?
It’s too late, this path paved with good intentions, gone awry.
The repetitive question; Why, why, why me?
Why this mess? Why?
I confess; I am the mess. I am the beast with talon feet. I am the rage and the endless sadness. The builder of madness and tears that never seem to dry.
I try, but you call me the catalyst… The baddest bitch, you know.
Blow by blow your words knock me down, and add to the scowling.
Sweet inner child caught in the frowning, forgetting recollections; the brief reflections of innocence.
I am just an artist, with nothing to show; but a hole in my head where I’ve let these words go.
How we feel, isn’t just “how we feel.” There are certain programs in place that advocate continuing the feeling of displacement. Those who are sensitive, and are proactive in working through old trauma, see examples of mental oppression in sources which we wouldn’t readily attach isolation. Check it. The world is changing, and so are we… Curriculum may not represent us….however we represent the byproduct of Academia and it’s “little lessons.” just as we are a byproduct of so many other influences… the best you can hope for when seeking education… is a fair education. This is not the case in reality…
I started writing this for Mental Health day in May, however in the depths of my doldrums, words were hard to capture. Recently I have had some conversations with friends of mine, who are also in the midst of depressive episodes in their lives, for various reasons. And in knowing that, I feel less alone; their vulnerability and willingness to talk about it has strengthened our friendships while broadening my perceptions of what it is that we are experiencing.
If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, please feel free to reach out to me. I would like to create a public dialog about these experiences and offer emotional support. Many people going through depression have a hard time talking about it, and often expend much of their energy trying to pretend that they are okay. Some of us are very good at hiding how much internal turmoil we are actually facing. Please feel free to comment and share your story and if you have found any healthy coping mechanisms that have given you some relief. If you are feeling suicidal please find help, or call The National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255, which can connect you to local resources.
It’s lonely on the inside looking out at all the smiling faces, lingering in places of joy. And in this solemn slumber I am left to wonder why it seems so easy for others to get on emotionally in positivity. Wonder what it is about me that feels so lost and out of love, despite the deep set knowing that my life is nothing but good.
See, I am not struggling from hunger, or left out in the cold to wonder where I will sleep; in fact my life feels pretty safe and secure, but this obscure stranger lurks there. This shadow that doesn’t seem to care much for my better welfare. It clouds my good ideas, and glosses over memories, twisting how I perceive the past, present and future. And that is no way to live.
In my darkest hours I have sat in contemplation at the meaningless anticipation that slowly burns inside me, for a day I have yet to see, one where I will be free of this depressive malady. Melancholy has been my mantra for too long, it’s the silently sung anthem of my attitude as of late.
And it doesn’t suit me very well. Some days it’s hell trying to smile and pretend that this mental pressure isn’t there, and that I have no cares in the world. It’s been the discussion at the tip of my tongue for too long, and suppression has started swelling, and it’s going to bust through it’s shell of deception.
Deniable, the Debbie Downer, no one wants to invite her to the party where she will largely bring others down. And despite it all I know my own ability to raise the vibration but lately it’s hard to rise to the occasion as I sit in this procrasterbationary cycle.
There is a roadblock in my view, and it skews my ability to see where my path leads, and what it means to me. I feel that at 34 I should have made more progress instead of this arrested development. There is massive pressure in the potential, and I level myself by staying away from making too many decisions. Each task of the day leaves me in wanting, each choice to make more over baring than the last.
In this depression, I want to be taken care of . I don’t want to care for others, and yet that is an unavoidable reality. There is no one to swaddle me, and hold me silently, for a moment of peace and feeling connection.
And isn’t that exactly what depression is? A feeling of isolation so pervasive that it effects one down to their core. It feels incredibly unreliable. I try to put words to it, but I find it unexplainable. I know it’s a type of depression that drugs will not fix, and therapy is no match for; realizing I just want more connection, but I can’t seem to move forward and make that happen. Feet bound in concrete, frozen from make a move toward any one direction. My synapsis on some sort of delay. Thinking today is the day, still nothing happens and I find myself waiting on tomorrow.
Education is my distraction. Information is my drug. And the more I learn about the world, the more I feel torn between throwing myself headlong into humanity; and hiding out away from reality. The push-me-pull-you of a person with sensitive strength, confused on how to assert her existence within this existence. Missed opportunities because nothing seems to light my fire. The foundation of excuses.
The fuel of my youth; a desire to be seen as acceptably intelligent, bound for successes undreamed of yet, if only I could leave the small perimeter of my home. When I finally left, I felt I was on some sort of path, but with each pursuit I would follow, there was still a hollow in my heart; a dissonance with my purpose.
Materialism didn’t suit me, so some may see me as living life like a vagabond. The only purpose I’ve held onto, is the service of humanity… but where is the service to me? I swim in a sea of information, I drown on all the options, cast out into the depths of indecision.
I can’t seem to find a conclusion, on what actually TO DO. And in this place, I miss experiences of love, laughter and adventure. Three things I adore. Somehow I always answer “no.”
“Yes” is it’s own foreign language, I can’t wrap my mouth around it.
My heart wants to know this foreign language, but my mind won’t record it.
No regrets, but I bet if I knew then, what I know now, maybe I wouldn’t feel this depression like an extremity. An extension of me I can’t seem to detach. Feeling like I know too much; I see too much, I feel too much. Overwhelmed and shut down. Emotionally paralyzed; my body can’t metabolize all this stimulation that bombards me in silence. A personal crisis, I tell myself will not last forever. Nothing lasts forever.
We all have two very archetypal images which motivate our behavior; there is the Master of the things we know we should do, and the Argumentative Teenager stuck in arrested development, who says “no” to everything, and has a penchant for self destructive behavior, just for the hell of it…(yeah, there are more reasons than the hell of it, but teenagers are rarely self aware enough to ask why…)
My Motivated Master attitude… would be kind; gentle, forthright, patient, strong, articulate, witty, full of laughter, and deeply rooted in spiritual wisdom and righteousness. My Master attitude would leave room for expansion and understanding… it would not be quick to judgment or frustration. I would have a Buddha-like smile. Basically my master attitude would be like female version of Yoda as a “cool Aunt”. My attitude would smell like fresh baked cinnamon rolls. But, let’s be honest. That is all ideal; My ACTUAL Master attitude performs much like a teacher who hates kids and always shows up hung over to class. My responses are short, and reeking of agitation. (If you were curious agitation smells a lot like hot sticky dog shit.)
So what would my Resistance look like? Probably Honey Boo Boo crossed with an angsty emo American teenager caught in the middle of a temper tantrum. So both my Master and my Resister are both huge bitches. How do I get anything done at all, you might wonder?
Let us step into my imagination for a moment to take a look at how these idealized, internalized archetypes fuck with my whole day; every day. Here is the set up. Everyday I know there are things that I SHOULD DO, and Things I HAVE TO DO, and things that I would really just LIKE to do, but somehow I have a hard time motivating myself to do any of it it.
Honey Boo Boo: I’m bored.
Yoda: Life is stranger then fiction, young Padawan. A powerful ally is the Force. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. There is great focus in the Force.
Honey Boo Boo: I don’t even know what y’all sayin’ right now.
Yoda:You must unlearn what you have learned. The dark forces are strong within you. The way is not hidden. Refuse to see, does your mind.
Honey Boo Boo: I don’t get it.
Yoda: The reason matters not.
Honey Boo Boo: Your gibberish is weird, fairy godmother.
Yoda: Only a Jedi need know the reason. And a Jedi, you are not.
Honey Boo Boo: yer dumb! Everything is dumb but ice cream.
Yoda: Accept the anxieties and difficulties of this life. Empty your mind and let it be filled with the Force.
Maybe this is not the best example…Honey boo boo is a red neck and Yoda speaks in broken, open ended answers. I mean, there isn’t even a potential of conversation here, because of the nonsense. My actual self interaction may look a little bit more like this.
For the sake of diversity it will still be played out by my actual Master Bitch Monster and Emo Boo Boo.
–Get the FUCK outta bed, and get going!
I don’t want to.
-Up and at em you lazy piece of skin… You have a shit ton to do for me today, no excuses.
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna.
–
Cooperation with myself is not my strong set. I am not really a “team player.”
So, what’s up? Maybe I like being miserable. Maybe I am a little Sadomasochistic with myself and maybe I like doing the same old nothing. But really it would all be a lie.
Who the fuck cares?
I am about ready to beat the shit out of you, because it seems to me, that is all you are full of these days. Just shitty shit coming out of your mouth. It stinks, and I am sick of it.
Bring it on, Bitch.
Dude, you are all bark and no bite. You are lazy and pessimistic. You have no idea what it means to have a good time, or to be kind, or empathetic. You are a sad, miserable Miser, and I am tired of catering to your mood swings. You need to leave. You need to go figure some shit out before I can deal with you, again.
Fuck you, I am not leaving. I have just as much right to be here as you!
Bullshit. YOU are PLAYED OUT! People like me have had to deal with people like you since the beginning of time. The game is old, and your attitude toward me is completely unacceptable. I can’t even believe I have let you hang around so long. You’re like a heavy weight, and you sure as fuck don’t act like a friend… so why the fuck should I have to carry your heavy ass?
Whatever, Dude. You’re weak.
No, DUDE. You are weak. I have carried your ass around for so long, and all you do is keep me from really having more fun and experience in my life. I don’t know how many times I didn’t do something I really wanted to do, in order to sit at home and listen to your sorry ass cry about shit that you could change. I listened to you whine about how you are bored, and you have nothing to do. Meanwhile, I would feed you really great suggestions and you would just blow them all off with excuses. No wonder you have no friends. No wonder you have nothing more to talk about than your misery.
Wow, that’s really a low blow. Blaming it all on me, like that.
You should really take a course in self awareness and admitting your faults. I use to think you were an asset to my team. Your ability to resist temptation USE to be really admirable. But now you just resist, everything that could potentially be good for us. You say ‘yes’ to the most fucked up stuff, and you are hurting both of us.
Fuck you.
No, Fuck you! I want to play. I want to paint, and write, and sing, and dance. I want to get out in nature and move my body. I want to have nice, strong, willing friends. I want to look at myself in the mirror and not see you looking back at me with that stupid melancholy face. Here I am, taking the time to tell you, that you are fucking up with me. And I don’t want to take it any more. I have spent far too much time just listening to your sad procrastination, which has led to more procrastination. I have tried patience, kindness, support, opportunity and love. You reject all these things, so I think I am going to have to tough love you.
What the fuck is that suppose to mean.
Well, I guess, if you aren’t going to take the initiative to get the fuck out of my house; I am just going to have to ignore you.
AS IF Life itself were not paradoxical enough; IN comes Creation!
On EVERY level, if given enough attention; Creation, is… controversial.
Take God, and Evolution out of the mix. Creation is an entity and force within itself, and it is a whim of contradiction. It is always moving, and effecting even with out our intention… Creation is beyond expression and consciousness.
It could be likened to the comical mystery of whether the egg or the chicken came first. Even smallest evolutions are creations… The body creates new cells, which are creation. Those cells either function properly supporting creation, sometimes those cells adapt and that is still a form of creation. People come up with ideas and implement them; still creation.
Two people, or a person and science get together to procreate, which is still creation.
Now ask your self, “why not create?” Especially if nature does it already to the benefit as well as the detriment of other creations. Creation is an exploding, imploding system of organized chaos.
If the only thing in certain creation is consciousness, then every conscious creation should first ask why not? Creation is an expenditure of energy, so for every creation there is an effect outward from its influence.
The friction of skin upon skin, creating a burn like Sin.
Being in one of the most social of lady places; the bathroom, I queried another female patron.
“Do you have any powder, by chance?”
Answering the question with an action, she pulled a large zip-loc bag out of her purse.
“I need just enough to dry out my lack of thigh gap.” I respond with more dryness than my pasty but saturated Vaginal neighbors.
“Ohhh, hunny.. this aint’t talc… It’s coke.”
Immediately, I imagine the options of relief.
“Too expensive for my needs, but I bet the numbing sensation is worth it;” imagining the potential, I add ” I need four miles worth of ‘numb’ dryness.”
She queries, “Four miles?”
I am pretty sure at this point she is already coked out and her brain is having a hard time equivocating.
“Yeah… four miles home. I think by cab that is about fifteen bucks… and that just seems too much to me, for this podunk town….. too much, even though, I… Even though I am having thisissue.” At this point I am attempting to handle the pain with a smile… I am a liar, and this shit hurts.
Eyebrows cocked, head tilted, she questions, ” An issue?”
“A woman’s issue…”
She looks incredulous for a moment until a spark of understanding, spreads over her already tightened facial muscles.
“OOOoooohhh, Auntie Flo!”
I see she is now slightly softened by compassion and understanding.
“Uhmm… No.” I can’t help but pause, acknowledging that if that WAS the case, it would be the least of my concerns; and that is why God made toilet paper.
“No?” She repeats, but with a sense of fear… like maybe I will tell her I just found breast cancer, or one of my ovarian cysts just escaped.
“No. I have heinous thigh sweat, and…uhm… massive chaffing.” I don’t know why I am so ashamed of saying this in front of a person carrying enough cocaine to be indicted on a felony, but it is how I respond, nonetheless.
“oh. OH. OooooOOHHHHhhh!” Images percolate in her mind and her eyes get big. I like that she seems to REALLY “get it”.
“Yeah…”
“Oh, hunny… that’s rough!”
Without losing a beat… I say,
“No, it’s RAW!”
I have pulled her into coke induced empathy, and she nods knowingly. “Yeah… whew, them’s the pits.”
On a roll, I say “More like the crevasses.”
Still feeling a bit desperate and despondent about returning to the bar, I ask ” So, do you have anything else in that big, magic bag that might help me?”
She begins the notorious “Puffy Purse Scavenger Hunt.” Digging deep in its depths for something significant or (in her mind) useful.
” Uhm, well, how about…Preparation H? err… uh.. Advil?”
By the looks of it, she has a whole different set of ‘women’s issues’; the pain, numbing my verbal filter, causes me to outwardly express as much.
I am disappointed AND defeated, but she is quick to respond, “Damn straight! I do! And I don’t leave my house ill prepared.”
God Jeebus, she must be a Virgo… I know what she is talking about, because USUALLY, I AMthat lady (minus large zip-lock bags filled with illegal substances).
Agitated with my observations, I add in a whisper of “apparently…” with far too much judgement and sarcasm.
An awkward silence ensues, and I find this to be prime time to exit stage left. Besides, she doesn’t have what I need, anyway.
Betcha if I needed a safety pin, there would be one floating around in there.
Maybe, just maybe, this is my fault.
Maybe, if I was at a family restaurant, instead of this dark bar, I would have better luck with my needs.
Maybe under other circumstances I could find a nice overweight and sympathetic mother… with a small baby, and an overstuffed baby bag.
And I would ask for her help… and she would reach deep into that well stocked baby bag of hers, and pull out just ONE of ten travel size baby powder bottles; and she would hand it over with loving care, and say “Keep it. You know you’re going to need a reapplication some where down the road.”
And she would wink at me, maybe even squeeze my hand or my shoulder and I would feel safe, protected and loved.
I would respond with a smile and a humble “Thank you”; thinking my good Karma must be returning in the form of self preservation, and I would walk home properly powdered.
Instead of looking for a family restaurant, with a responsible mother carrying a plentiful baby bag; I walked back into the bar intent on the only legal numbing I know… whiskey.
They know me here and the bartender asks if I will take another double Jameson on the rocks. I say “yes and add on a pint of Fat Tire.”
My favorite short order Cook sits to my right, and says “I’ve got those, put ’em on my tab.”
“Oh you don’t have to do that… I’ve got it.” I respond with a shyness.
“Nah, you gave that warm knit hat that you made, to my friend who was sick… and that hat kept her head and ears warm all winter.”
I can’t argue with such kind logic, and thank him for the drinks.
My good Karma is not in fact going to self preservation right now; or maybe it is, it’s just my momentary perspective…. I do need these drinks right now, if only to distract my brain from the chub rub forming on my inner thighs.
“Well, thanks again. I really appreciate it.”
And I do appreciate it as I slip out the back door to the patio; to go think some more about perspective.
The Zen Buddhists say to “judge nothing.” To see all as life, without duality.
So I adopt this perspective for the moment and take a long swig of whiskey. I hold it in my mouth for a while, letting the alcohol drench all of my taste buds. Slowly, I swallow it’s gentle burn down my throat.
I let the alcohol sit in my mouth like a tincture; letting the medicinal properties seep into the porous membrane of my mouth, allowing the liquid to cross the blood brain barrier and stimulate an exquisite release of dopamine.
Anyone observing may think I am contemplating the “swallow.” Wondering why my process is less smooth and desperate as their own, as they urgently suckle the heads of bottles containing weak watery beer. They drink it like they need water, like a hungry baby at the nipple.
I am outside, and no one is here. No one to watch or judge.
The air is thick with humidity and the clouds compound into a thick grayness above; growing heavy with precipitation, the thunder begins to take over.
I smile at the age old vision of God and his army of angels rolling bowling balls down an infinite bowling lane. Each roll of thunder, a ball. Each strike of lightening, the strike of all ten pins. After some time, it begins to hail. Perhaps this is a sign of a Heavenly game of 300, and the hail is celestial confetti falling to Earths floor.
The hoots and hollers, vibrating clouds, reverberate the cheers of a job well done. The Heavenly Team has won the League Championship.
Unbeknownst to them, we sit below like ants; watching as our flowers are beat free of their petals and our cars become dented with new geography.
A few people now have gathered beneath the rain shelter. We chat about the weather, avoiding conversations that dig much deeper. It’s okay… I didn’t come for more than distraction from my physical malady; which I have almost successfully mastered, until I again remind myself of the impending four miles. Four Miles… for miles.
I take the last drink of whiskey, and chew on a couple of ice cubes as I stand to take my first apprehensive steps toward home.
Are you familiar with the action of a wrecking ball?
That is Sara Goossen in a nutshell. The lady is powerful, energetic, and ready to knock excuses out of the way. She is a bright and compassionate person who sees the potential in people and then helps individuals harness their inner bad ass. This talent is an imperative staple in her personal business model.
October 1, 2012, Sara opened Fit Body Boot Camp- Cheyenne, with 14 clients. Her goal is to change the lives of 5000 of Cheyenne’s citizens by 2017. As of April 2015, she has trained and cultivated a community of 1200 residents who are interested in adopting a healthy life style. That is an average of 400 people a year, getting active and aware in the fair city of Cheyenne and it’s surrounding areas. No small feat for this 5’3″ wrecking ball.
Sara and I got together to discuss her fitness past and her optimistic fitness future; how she came to start FBBC and some of her own trials and tribulations in the fitness process.
Before I jump into the interview, I would like to state that when you are looking for a gym, and a support system to help you change your habits; having a leader like Sara is imperative because she has run the gamut of unhealthy eating and body weight issues. She has children, she knows struggles and excuses. She has taken initiative on her own, in her own life in order to transcend her past hang ups. In turn Sara has turned hardships into valuable insight for those at any point in their fitness journey.
It may be easier for certain people to take her ethic very seriously because she didn’t start out on this lifestyle right after high school or college before having children; when most women’s bodies are still in that youthful metabolism. She wasn’t always healthy. It was a choice that she had to dedicate herself to; which meant a long road of challenges that led to the changes that are evident in her today.
Let’s find out more, shall we?
March/April 2015; back in the game after a 2 month break.
STATS
AGE: 28
HEIGHT: 5’3″
WEIGHT: 145.3 lbs
FAVORITE EXERCISE: RUNNING STAIRS, WORKING THE BACK, AND SQUATS
LEAST FAVORITE EXERCISE: BUILDING CLIMBERS
Breaks are temporary… This lady is out to GET IT DONE!
Let’s talk about your fitness past, eating disorders, all that stuff.
It goes so far back, it’s disturbing… so, okay, 10 years old; my mom told me I needed to stop eating granola bars because they were making me fat and at that point in time I had just finished some book, I can’t remember the title of, and it was talking abou this girl who would throw up, because she was so fat. So…I…followed suit.
Thank God for Children’s Literature, right?
Yeah, I was like, “Well, now I am well informed and I can solve this problem.
(Sara reminences with awkward laughter.)
So, at ten years old that started fourteen years of just roller coaster disordered eating; ranging the spectrum of binging and purging to just starving myself. When I got pregnant with my son, when I was sixteen, I kind of just said “Fuck it. It doesn’t matter if I am skinny; it doesn’t matter if I am fat…I am pregnant. I can eat whatever I want and have no guilt.” I gained 50 pounds when I was pregnant with him, and I lost ten. I lost some weight nursing, but after I stopped nursing him, I continued the disordered eating cycle.
Just picked it up where you left off?
Yep, just picked it up right where I left off. And I knew… I was an athlete in high school, I knew about nutrition but it’s not something that I ever listened to because disordered eating was so much easier than learning how to feed myself. At nineteen I married my now ex-husband, (my daughters’ father) and gained all that “happy weight” I maxed out the scale before we got married, at 197 lbs…. so, I looked like a cow in my wedding dress.
None of this happens over night… it takes time to get to either end of the spectrum. Which one would you prefer to be closer to?
Thank god for girdles….
After that we were trying to get pregnant with Emma, and couldn’t get pregnant… couldn’t get pregnant. We tried for two years, and I finally went to the doctor and asked “what is going on?” I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and the doctor told me that I had to make a lifestyle change, or else…. “you’re going to end up with diabetes; you are more apt to have certain types of cancer, you are just going to get fatter, your thyriod is going to peter out…” All the things that go along with PCOS… “This is your future. You either make a change now or enjoy your future where it is headed.”
At that point I sought help because I knew my disorder was no longer a sustainable way to live life. It wasn’t mentally or emotionally healthy.
So I lost about 20 lbs. and we got pregnant with Emma through a series of fertility treatments. When I was pregnant with Emma I only gained about 20 lbs and then I lost it all right away. At that point they (the doctors) said “Well you are probably not going to be able to have any more children, so don’t worry about it.” And I thought, okay, cool; I am just going to go back to doing the whole weight loss thing, because I still had fifty pounds to go.
So I lost another twenty pounds, and then I got pregnant with my daughter Ileena… BOOM! I remember going to my dads house and saying, “Well… I am pregnant again just when I was gettting my ‘sexy’ back.” My grandma looks at me and says “Well honey, maybe that’s the problem.”
Double edged sword on that one…
Yeah! So I got pregnant and did that whole thing and I only gained fifteen pounds with Ailena , and I lost that all right away. November 2009 I found Body For Life, Bill Phillips, transformation.com ; whom I heard about from my step-mom. So I thought, I am going to try this thing. (Everybody thought I was crazy for starting during the holidays.) It was pretty easy; three days of lifting, three days of cardio, all high intensity intervals. By doing that the next three months I was able to loose the rest of the weight. About half way through that three month process I was like “Ya, know, I want to help other people because I can do this as some one who has struggled their whole life with eating well and taking care of themselves … I can help some one else do this.”
I got my personal training certification.
How long did that take you?
It was about four months and about that time I was working for my dad as his administrative assistant amoung other things. I decided that I would try this training thing before and after work, and see what happens. I did that and it just blew up, so in June 2010, I quit my job working for my dad and I started training full time.
I was doing a lot of one on one training and two boot camp sessions at a local gym. I was making money, doing something I love. I worked there for two years and I left because there were some issues that made it neccessary for me to get out of that environment. I decided, I am just going to start my own place; I left and they came after me with for violating my no-compete/ no-solicitation agreement.
Looking back, I was so mad at the time. I was furious, like how could they do this? How can this stand up? Well, it stood up because I had solicited the people who had signed up with me, but were also their clients. I had to take a year off of training and I went back to working for my dad for a year and within that year I knew I needed to do something. I was miserable.
When you are following a life of passion and suddenly it is taken away; it’s like the wind has been knocked out of your sails. You don’t even feel like a human being. I started looking down in Colorado for places I could move to and open up. I was doing all this during the same time I was being sued and working for my dad; I also had gotten a divorce from my kids father. It was everything that could go wrong, did.
I was at an impass; like shit, what do I do?
I looked down in Boulder and I spent about six months driving back and forth, just looking for a location I could open up. I encountered road block after road block.
By this point I had already talked to the CEO of Fit Body, who has been a long time friend. I told them, I want to do this but I have to wait until this year is up or I am screwed.
Was that part of your Non-compete agreement? Did you have a time limit to wait?
Yes, that was the year. One year to the day, October 1, 2012; we opened up with fourteen clients. I was just so excited to be open and be able to do what I love to do. That’s it… the rest is history. Here we are today; looking for another space, a bigger place… sitting down with the bank and talking about bigger loans.
The beginning bare bones of a fitness fortress in the making.
That’s pretty quick, only three years.
Yeah, less than three years actually.
How do you know the CEO of Fit Body?
The fitness industry is so small, it really is. So if you don’t know every one you soon will if you stay in it long enough. I met him doing a master mind. I was in there with the two founders of Fit Body Boot Camp, Steve Hochman and Bedros Keuilian. I was in Steve’s Master Mind and through that I met Bedros. We had several conversations and talked on the phone several times, emailed back and forth; He called me up one day and said ” What’s it going to take to get you to open a Fit Body? And I told him, “You know what it will take, you know what I am up against right now. It’s going to have to take one hell of a deal and some patience and that is where it’s at.” So he said “Alright, let’s make it happen.”
At this point it was going from licensing to a franchise, so they were looking for people and I just happened to be one of those people.
Do you get together with other gym owners?
I do know a lot of the Fit Body owners simply because we get together quarterly; every three months, usually in San Diego or Chino Hills, California. There is a great community with in Fit Body, even from a corporate structure coming all the way down to the clients. It’s nice that we can just continue to pay it forward. It’s pretty cool, and a very unique situation.
Would you like to talk about your competition stuff?
OH YEAH! Sure! I don’t want to bore you to tears with business.
I first competed in August of 2011, I also ran the Denver half marathon in October 2010, and after that I gave myself permission to never run again. (laughter.) I find it really useless and painful. It turns out I am better suited for lifting heavy things than go fast.
2011 looks good on Sara Gosseen!
Did you do this on your year of sabbatical?
No, it was right before everything blew up in my face. Then I competed in my second figure show August 2013.
2013 looked even better!
Did you win anything?
I did. I placed 5th in the second show, I was pretty excited about that. Granted there were only six figure competitors, so I was 5th, but I was happy to have something to take home, regardless.
My first show I did there were 36 figure competitors, and I think I finished 34th. So I was like, “I think I have improved!”
‘High Knees” are different than heinies… make sure both are in good form!
Were these in Wyoming?
The one in 2011 was in Loveland, Colorado. The Warrior Classic, and the other one was in Wyoming, and that was the Jay Cutler Classic. And that Dude, is a Big Dude. I have a picture of him somewhere.
Not only is Jay Cutler bohemoth, but he makes Sara look like a tiny lil tea cup. Jay Cutler Classic 2013.
He was there?
Yeah, he is huge! He is a moose of a man! My head is as big as his shoulder!
He could pick you up in the palm of his hand!
Honestly I am getting the bug again, to compete. I am trying to weigh out the time commitment that it takes, along with my other obligations to see what it will take… if it’s something I can feasibly do right now while keeping everything else balanced. I do love competing .
If you wait to have your own place, you could put on your own competition, in house competition. Then you won’t have to go too far.
That is one of the most fun things about competition; you get to meet so many interesting people from all over the country. People who are busting their asses just to get super lean for just a minute. It literally lasts a day. You deplete enough to have a six pack for a day, and then you gain 20 pounds the next day because you drink water. It’s crazy.
It would be interesting to time lapse a person going through the build up to competition, and then the 24 hours afterward. Once you get the tanner off, and start drinking water again, it’s like what the hell? You blossom like a flower.
You still eat, you carb load the day of to fill out your muscles because you have depleted to the point that you have taken all the glycogen and striped your body of literally everything. It’s not something you want to do often because it is kind of dangerous, BUT, it’s still fun to push your mental ability and physical barriers. That is big for me, because I love the challenge.
Are you a challenge junkie?
I totally am! I love the personal challenge. Competing against other people is fun, but figure prep is anywhere from 2-5 months.
It’s kind of interesting that you have struggled with disordered eating which is in and of itself sort of an addiction, and pushing your body to a limit and challenging it, but not in a very healthy way. And here you have turned your addiction around to a healthier way of expressing it. Yet, there are still these extremes that you go to.
It totally is. What I think helps me with competing and the lifestyle of body building is the structure that it provides. It’s like a security blanket. You take some one with an eating disorder who has struggled with that their entire life, and you say, “you don’t have to struggle, here is some structure. Have a nice day.” It’s like, “okay, this is safe.”
Then the biggest struggle, is will power to be able to keep on the regamine.
Yeah, it’s like any other fitness goals… as long as you have that dead line… the finish line at the end; it makes it that much easier. It’s not like you have to do this for a lifetime or else… It’s here is your dead line, and then you reset the goal. And that is something that is really, really exciting for me.
Through competing I learned to accept my body, where ever it is; whether I am 120 pounds or 145. I am still strong, I am still beautiful and I am still worthy of love and acceptance and success. That is one of those things that I have accidentally learned through the process. It is a by product.
I know a lot of people who compete who struggle with that mindset. Like if they don’t have a six pack they are done for. They are like “Oh My God, My Life Is OVER!”
It basically boils down to bulemia or dysmorphia. It’s all activated on the same brain wave length, same neurological pathway. It’s been nice to find freedom from that as I have gotten older. To not be stressed out about the numbers, to see yourself and be like “You look good!”
IT’s a good example to your kids, too.
I hope so. Sometimes I wonder, “am I ruining these little people?”
Mommy, Wife, Business Owner and Encourager of the Masses… what can’t this lady do? Photo courtesy of Lacey Dippold Photography
Instead of “You’re the reason mommy has a drinking problem,” it’s more like “You are the reason mommy has an exercise problem.”
That’s funny beacause when I took two months off earlier this year, my kids were like “what is wrong with her?” I did not feel like myself. I felt like I was insane most days; like absolutely bat shit crazy.
You needed to be exerting yourself.
Yeah, I needed that rush of endorphins and I think it was something that I had always taken for granted because I have been doing it for so long, it’s just been part of my life for so long. When I completely took it out, I had no idea the impact it would have on me. Not just physically but spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I got to tell you, the week we started working out again, my husband and I; He was like “Gosh you are so much easier to be around.” And I knew he meant that in the sweetest way possible, instead of being a jerk, and I was like “I know, trust me, it’s easier to be in my head.” I went to the doctor and I asked am I schitzophrenic, what is going on here? And she said “I think you are depressed.” And I just needed exercise.
So tell me about your favorite success story to come out of here.
My favorite one, honestly, is from when I very, very first started. He followed me when I opened Fit Body. His name is Austin, he was 16 when he came to me he was 386 lbs. and he was tall and huge. He knew he had a problem. He was home schooled so he didn’t have a lot of interaction with other kids. The reason he was home schooled was because when he was in school, the other kids were just horrible to him because he was so big and kind of awkward and quiet.
He would come, every single day to Boot Camp. At that point in time, they were 1 1/2 hour sessions, he would show up at 6:00 AM, every day. And even if he couldn’t do it, he would struggle through it.
He asked me, “what do I eat? how do I do it?”
His mom was onboard, but I didn’t see her much. Sometimes she would come and walk while he did Boot Camp. Every now and then she would come talk to me, well when I took the year off, Austin started power lifting and he took his focus off the weight loss. Then he came over to Fit Body when I opened, and he brought his mother with him, and they did it together.
It was just so, so, so cool. He ended up losing 110 lbs by the time he was 19. Then they moved to Oregon. He was such a great, great kid. It was just so cool to see how he was able to influence his mom because it’s usually the parents who influence the kids. He was able to influence his mom after two years of going at it by himself.
Was she also over-weight?
Yes, she was, but such a nice, nice gal. I look back on those two, especially Austin and I think “That kid could have made every excuse in the world because teenagers do, adults do. Teenagers learn from what the adults model.” He just was like “I am tired of this. I am tired of being the ‘fat kid’. I don’t mind being a ‘big kid’, I am 6’3″. But I am tired of being the ‘fat kid'”
The last Halloween he was here, he dressed up as The Hulk; and that involved taking off his shirt, and painting himself green, and walking around with out a shirt on. Two years prior to that you would have never seen him do that. It was so cool to see him blossom from this awkward quiet, video gamer (indoor) kid to this little ball of life and energy, and sass.
It was fun to not only see his journey of weight loss but also to see how he grew as a person. To see him evolve into an adult from a kid that just didn’t want to be fat and made fun of.
Do you stay in contact with him?
I do. I stay more into contact with his mom because he is a young adult now and all over the place.
It would be interesting to see if he takes a career in Fitness from this influence. It seems like people who a great at teaching come from a past of being ostersized.
So, we have touched on this, but obviously Fitness has a positive effect on your homelife.
Oh God, yeah! The kids are like “Mom, go work out, you are driving us crazy.” It is also nice though, because my husband and I can share it together. Every morning Monday through Saturday we go work out together, and then go to work and do our thing. It’s been a good bonding experience for us too. Although it did take us three years for him to come and work out with me. The first time we exercised together, he was having a bad day and we were just friends at the time. I was like “he’s having a bad day, just go lift, and he will be fine.” Well a half hour in, he is dry heaving on himself, and I was like ” I thought you were in shape?” Well, after that he didn’t come back to work out with me for three years. And he comes to boot camp, and he makes it through the whole thing, and after that he said “I am going to have to wait until you are ‘deconditioned’ a little before we can work out together.”
He took the oppertunity while I took two months off to “even the playing field.”
Since then it has been nice, in the last couple of months to have that morning time with my husband because we have five kids… we need that time together. It’s nice to have that time and cheer each other on.
What are some of your future goals?
Really my mission is just to help people and it always has been. I am in the business of changing lives and if I am not changing lives, then I am doing something wrong.
Watch out folks….
YOU RUINED MY LIFE THROUGH EXERCISE!
Ha, ha! Oh man, if some one said that to me, I would have to reevalute everything. I really do just want to leave an impact on this world. And, Cheyenne… God Bless it, and all of it’s citizens; (but Cheyenne) is a FAT city. Overweight, unhealthy; spiritually, mentally and physically. People are over worked and under paid, or over worked and over paid. They have little or no time for their families , no time for themselves; no time to do anything. So we have people spinning their wheels, but for what? At the end of the day if you don’t have your health, you have nothing left. I don’t want to out live my children. I see obese kids around and I want to slap their parents. I don’t want to beat the kids, but I want to slap the parents. It makes me so mad. But then I look at it, and you have to change the lives of the parents before you can change the lives of the children. At the end of the day, it is our job as adults to make those responsible decisions. It isn’t easy, but it is our responsiblity.
It’s in my heart to change the health of this community, if not the entire community of Wyoming, but that’s a long way off down the road. I want to continue to make a difference in peoples health and in their lives.
Thirty minutes of exercise might not seem like much, but it can change how a wife treats her husband. She is in a better mood, she feels better about herself, she feels more attractive… she actually wants to be with her husband instead of saying ” I don’t see what you see, at all.”
It changes how a mother treats her children because she has more energy, she will want to take them to the park, or go hiking and do stuff. Or maybe she is just in a better mood and doesn’t want to paddle their butts just for being little people.
It is just fitness, it is just a work out… but it can change EVERYTHING. I have seen it with myself. I saw it when I started my journey years ago and I still see it today. If I don’t work out, I need to work out because I start feeling ‘cagey’ inside. Anxious.
What has your biggest triumph been in your personal fitness journey?
I think just staying the course. Every day is a new day. I can’t say one event has been a real defining moment in my health and fitness journey. I think it just staying course with the lifestyle. I mean sometimes I fall off, just like anyone. I go on a little cookie diet, when I feel stressed, and then I gain eight pounds and then I have to lose it again. At the end of the day just knowing that I am doing what I need to be doing is just great. But when I am not doing that I can tell a difference. So for me, it’s just committing to the lifestyle.
Is there anything you would want to change?
No. Not really because I believe even the hard stuff is lessons. And I think I am far more grateful now toward some of the hardships that I went through. When you look back at it, it just gives you an oppertunity to learn about yourself; to learn about others and the way the world works. Hardships are often self inflicted. So if anything it’s just learning about who I am and who I want to be and who I do not want to be. It’s just about growing up.
Would you like to give any tips or inspiration?
It’s just about consistency. You have to pick and plan and be consistent. It doesn’t matter what your plan is, as long as it has some good foundation of physical health, mental health and spiritual health. Even if it’s CrossFit or lifting or body building or boot camp; whatever it is, I think it’s just about picking something that works for you and stick with it. I know Boot Camp isn’t for everyone. I wish it was. At the end of the day finding something that works and sticking with it long enough to get results. So many people just go about their life by starting a new program every two weeks, saying “But I am just not getting results.” and I am like “Dude, it’s only been two weeks. Do you know how long it took me to lose 70 pounds?”
How long did it take you?
Beginning to end it took three years. Granted I got pregnant twice in between, but it took me three years to lose that 70 pounds. It’s not going to happen over night.
After spending all this time taking other peoples measurements; when do people, on average see a difference for themselves and accept that change is occurring?
Typically eight weeks, especially for women. I call it an 8 Week Miracle. Literally nothing on the scale can change and inches may not change, but may be your clothes fit differently. For whatever reason the inches may not change, your body fat may not change, and then one day you wake up and somewhere between the bedroom and the bathroom, you realize you lost your ass. It’s like it’s just fallen off somwhere and you hop on the scale and you are down ten pounds from the night before. And you will be like “what the hell? My scale must be broken.”
So you call in a spouse or a loved one and you have them hop on the scale and it says what it always says to them, and you hop back on there and it says the same thing, “you are down 10 lbs.”
You have to trust the process, long enough. Not just “half commit.”
“Oh I am just gonna work out for eight weeks and hope that everything is going to happen. You have to have a plan. Have a plan of attack and exicute it flawlessly. Even if you have one bad day, okay, perfect; get back on the band wagon, but don’t let that one bad day or one bad meal derail you for the next six months.
So I think that is the key. Consistency. You have to be consistent, no matter what. And that goes with anything; if it’s fitness related, or business related, or if you want better relationships. What ever it is, BE CONSISTENT! STICK WITH YOUR PLAN! Things WILL change.
In summery; Knowledge, is the awareness that all action has a reaction, and Wisdom, is using that awareness to your advantage whilst utilizing all available resources.
Fit Body Boot Camp works because of the significant insight that the program lends through collaborative Wisdom and Experience.
Fit Body Boot Camp is calling out more of Cheyenne to get involved in their fitness; and during the month of May we are taking extra efforts to expose residents to the opportunity. If you have been following this blog and you are tempted to try it; COME ON DOWN! Let them know you read this blog and that it has helped you to take the first step in health and wellness; or if you are new to town and looking for a fitness community and this seems up your alley, come take a test drive.
If this article interests you and you would like to read more, check out these related blogs. And as always I appreciate “likes”, comments, suggestions and subscribers; so please feel free to interact. And remember kids, Fitness is great, but Burpees SUCK!
Keep in mind while reading this, as if it was one of those 1:30 second commercials for some new prescription drug, like Botox.
To Those Of You, who know Motivation can be hard to come by; To the down trodden and sick of being slovenly, To those who live in fear of their full potential… To those who know it isn’t going to be easy.
Fitness isn’t instantaneous, it won’t happen over night. Persistence requires practice in patience, it is slowly accrued through determination and mindfulness.
Sometimes it’s going to be hard, and your first inclination will be to give up; but you won’t because you hate how your past life style felt. You have experienced the rush of endorphins, you have felt satisfied by the sweat on your brow. Daily you feel you have accomplished something meaningful.
Fitness is about the commeraderie of a job well done, especially if it was challenging. It’s noticing the laundry feels lighter, and the hike up a few flights of stairs no longer leaves you winded. It is the joy in hauling in 10 grocery bags, like it ain’t no thing.
Fitness is showing up even when a warm bed seems like the preferable idea. It’s bundling up for a walk or jog, even on the coldest days. It’s eating clean and getting your nutrients.
There are going to be excuses, and obsticles, daily. Some days it won’t happen at all. It may cause you to feel guilty when you don’t work out one or two days in a row. You will have many moments of self justification, and self judgement. There will be days of successes. New bodily abilities will be aquired.
With Fitness, it may seem to take a long time before you really start to see a difference in yourself. Not because things aren’t changing, but because it takes time to adjust to actually seeing yourself IN your new lifestyle. It may be aggrivating, at times, and a pain in the ass at others (for various reasons.) You will have a love/hate relationship, but it will totally be worth it.
You will be adding time to your biological clock while assisting your body at reversing the damage of an unhealthy lifestyle.
By embracing Fitness, you will be setting a good example for your children, and those around you. It will open doors to new experiences and people. It will make the impossible, possible.
When adopting Fitness, your body will be sore, and sweaty; you will look like hell, red faced and exillerated. You will be taking a proactive movement in your bodies chemical out put. Some times you will feel high on bodily produced “feel good” compounds. Some days you will feel you can tackle any thing that may get in your way. Other days, you may feel you just want to rest, rest, rest.
Oh, Fellow followers of the Fitness train, you may often ask yourself, “when will I be perfect,” and you may find frustration at the highs and lows of the path that follows. ( And, You WILL have highs and lows.) You will realize life is the same but different. You may aquire a new sense of confidence.
Prolonged exposure to Fitness can cause changes in perception and strange urges, such as; an increased desire to walk places or ride a bike, to dance like no one is watching in public places, excitement at the thought of entering a marathon, uncontrollable desire to buy a new bathing suit, a strong addiction to yoga pants or exercise clothes and various types of complementary footware, as well as the inclination to travel to new countries and climb historically tall mountains.
Once infected with Fitness, one may find it hard to eat certain foods, or to sit still for long periods of time. Fitness can even cause dry mouth, increased heart rate and dehydration. It is always best to drink water with Fitness, and to supplement with good nutrition.
If you or someone you know has Fitness in their life, you should definitely hang out together and get the most of your time together, hand in hand with Fitness.
Fitness is for all ages and abilities, however Fitness can be intimidating to people with heart conditions, bad joints or low levels of coordination. People with these conditions should consult a doctor before getting busy with Fitness.
Fitness is an over the counter perscription, and can be found nearly everywhere. It can available in more than 1000 varieties. There is no one size fits all Fitness, so ask around to see what kind of Fitness will suit your needs.
Fitness requires patience, persistence and positivity to be fully effective. Bad attitudes and self deprication hinder the positive effects of Fitness, and can cause fatal side effects like eating disorders, low self esteem and dysmorphia.
Do not take Fitness when highly intoxicated or suffering from narcolepsy.
Consult your doctor if you experience pain while on Fitness.
For more information about Fitness, Google: Fitness.
Madge Midgely 